To break up with my best friend

[slippersandtoast]

I think I've pretty much reached the point where I think I need to do this, but I feel like a complete bitch for doing so.

I look after her DD morning and evening, and she sleeps over sometimes. It's reached to stage where of DD is hurt or something, she runs to me first as BF doesn't respond. BF takes me for granted when I'm doing that, doesn't tell me when she's coming back, expects to be fed everyday when she does turn up. She'll send me random texts asking me to wash her dishes or help with her house while she is at work. When she does come over, she's moody and just sits on her phone or goes to sleep. She moans that she "has to" be here everyday, despite the fact that her needs are the reason she is here everyday. It's like having a third teenager. If I try and challenge this, she loses her temper, everything is my fault, I'm selfish, I can't tel her what to do...

However, as much as that picture is painting a really depressing story and everyone will be screaming at me to cut her off, it's really not that easy. We've supported each other through a ridiculous amount of shit, we have wonderful trips out and holidays, we share families. She has MH problems, which is why I've ended up doing the physical support around her house.

So, am I just a complete bitch, do I need to be supportive and stop being so selfish?

Or am I right, should I stop fighting for this friendship that is starting to feel toxic - and if so, how do I let go of the "but we have been friends forever and have millions of memories and one day it will be good again" feeling?

Or can there be an in between somehow? We enjoy events and trips but I stop being her personal maid (and yes I know I've pretty much allowed this).

Wow that was a lot...I'm sure I'll think of other things as we go along!

What are you getting out of this friendship? The support from the past, is that ongoing? I suspect this has gone on so long that she has forgotten just how fortunate she is to have your support

I don’t think YABU. She isn’t treating you like a friend, more like a nanny but I assume you’re unpaid?! You could try sitting her down and saying that things need to change, redefine the boundaries but I imagine this dynamic suits her so she’s unlikely to want to change!

I had to drop a friend who I realised treated me badly. You can’t hang on to a friendship that causes you grief just because of a previously positive history. She’s using you.

My situation is no longer ongoing so I don't need support. She does genuinely need me to do most of this stuff, practically speaking - she works shifts and doesn't drive etc.

When I try to back off and say I need a break, or when I got a new job recently and needed to leaver earlier for a bit, she broke. She starts off with "fine I don't need you" but I always end up getting sucked back in.

I just can't change my mindset of hoping things will be how they used to and I know she needs help. When she got pregnant as a single mum she couldn't cope with the idea and I promised I would help her.

She owes me money too, and I can't afford to cut her off in a way that means I wouldn't get it back. That sentence sounds sooo bitchy.

What about your own life op? Do you have kids? Work etc?
She is taking the piss out of you. If she has MH issues she needs professional help. If she can't cope with her child then social services need to be made aware.

I work PT and have two older DC. MH services have discharged her, as have SS - with a care plan that stipulates DD is safe because BF does x y z.

She doesn't need YOU to do these things at all. She needs a child minder and a cleaner.

If you get nothing out of this friendship (and I don't mean financially), it's time to move on.

I think I've reached that point. But I don't know how. I don't know how to not get sucked in, I don't know how to not feel like a bitch. And what if I'm wrong - she's just stressed and soon our friendship will be back to normal? I'm comparing a few years of shit, while she's been through shit, to a lot more years of a very good friendship.

Read back what you have written here OP - what would you advise a friend to do... ? I think its clear the friendship needs, at the very least, some sort of break and some honest talking, or you will keep on like this probably for years, but obvs its your call

It's not a bitch to want your own life back. It's not being bitchy to want your own money back. It's not bitchy to say 'enough'.

Start putting yourself first. it's not being bitchy; it's what most people do. She needs to start looking after herself, rather than you doing it.

You are not the bitch.

I feel it. I really do.

How much money does she owe you, OP? Realistically, do you think you will ever get it back? You sound miserable, could you cut your losses and write the debt off?

Take a step back if you can. Make yourself less available. To put a different spin on things - you're enabling her. She has no incentive to sort her shit out for herself as she knows you'll do it for her. So stop. Tough love and all that.

You need time to plan, so don't try to rush. But try and make a week when you're busy all the time (including time for yourself, and you alone, among the busy-ness). Arrange to meet her for a coffee that week, but that's it. Do you have to look after her daughter every day? Maybe continue with the mornings (if not too inconvenient) but you're busy in the evenings. She'll need to sort something else.

There is no possibility of honest talking. She genuinely thinks I am the selfish one. She says she has no friends because she is always here - yes she is, but collecting DD or having her meals etc. The rest of the time she works. When I ask her to put her phone down and have a chat for a bit, I'm controlling her. When I say dinner is ready, she tells me I can't treat her like I'm her child and tell her what to do all the time. If I tell her I can't do something, she says she doesn't need me, fuck off then, I'll find someone else and then won't speak to me until she realises she actually hasn't got anyone else.

I've tried to take a step back. I got a new job before Christmas and so genuinely had to change things, but she just kept on and on at me each day until I relented "just this once".

I know I need to back off but I just feel so nasty for doing so, and end up being sucked back in each time. I know that sounds pathetic, but I can't turn off caring.

Re money - it's a debt she pays the monthly payments on. She just has it in my name as she was a student at the time. I couldn't afford to let it go atm.

Hi OP,
As they have discharged her with the stipulation that you are there to help her,did you agree to any of this with the MH or SS?I
Either way,before you withdraw,inform them so she has some help.
She is not your responsibility and neither is her dc.
I think,long term,you will be doing what's best for her by contacting the mental health team as she is clearly not coping and needs more support....professional.....support.
Take a step back but make sure she knows you are still her friend but can no longer do all of what you are doing.
She probably won't accept or like this but be firm.agree to meet for a coffee or trips out on neutral ground,i.e.somewhere where she can't drop her dc off and leave or go to sleep.
I can see,after a period of six months of so,with the right help,she will come through this and thank you for breaking this very negative chain.
Good luck

This person isn't a best friend. You are both adults and need to behave like it. That means personal space, cooking and cleaning for your own families not being codependent. You are not helping this situation, I wouldn't dump her but I would be clear where the lines are now. You still love her but you are not her parent/maid/husband! It will be awkward for a bit but just be available in the right way after she's finished having a strop about the new rules!

She wouldn't agree to meet me at other times, as she would use the fact that because I aren't helping her, she doesn't have the time to do that. Don't get me wrong, we still have meals/trips out and they are nice. It's just the daily shit is breaking me.

When I went on holiday for a week last year, she didn't take DD to school. Ditto her house. If I don't do it, it's horrendous.

Spotsandstars you have it so right. She's dependent on me and I can't draw the lines anymore. I just want a normal friendship. I wouldn't mind about the time she spent here, as my DC are older so I get plenty of quality time when she is working and once she has gone home - I just want it to be a nice time.

What are you? Her mother? When she says you can't treat her in a certain way you need to tell her - your house, your rules. If she doesn't like it she can go home. I think you need to start working on the response that I always see on Mums Net, 'That doesn't work for me'. So for example BF: Can you have my daughter this morning. You: No, that doesn't work for me today. BF: Why not you always have her You: I know but it doesn't work for me today. BF: Can I drop her off early tomorrow then. You: No, that won't work for me tomorrow. - No apology, no excuses, no reasons. Good luck. (p.s. I would do it in stages - e.g. tell her that with the new job and childcare is all too much. From half term you will no longer be able to do it.

I don't think she has given you much choice to be honest other than to cut her off. If she would talk about it then you could cut down what you do for her, but it sounds like you've tried those conversations and it doesn't work. Could you try writing a letter explaining where you're coming from and what you're prepared to do for her and her daughter? And give her time to digest it before you talk it through? Otherwise I think you have to just walk away. It doesn't sound like a friendship she sounds like she thinks you are her parent and she is taking out all her frustrations and rebelling against you as you are safe

I agree you need to contact SS or whatever team said she could cope because you were helping her, and say you can't help any more

You were stupid to let her put a debt in your name.

She is no friend, she is a user. It sounds like she doesn't even like you. If you stop doing everything for her she will stop paying her debt and you will be up shit creek.

And she knows this. If you can't make the payments you will have to suck it up for however many years until the debt is paid. How much is it?