To break up with my best friend

[slippersandtoast]

I think I've pretty much reached the point where I think I need to do this, but I feel like a complete bitch for doing so.

I look after her DD morning and evening, and she sleeps over sometimes. It's reached to stage where of DD is hurt or something, she runs to me first as BF doesn't respond. BF takes me for granted when I'm doing that, doesn't tell me when she's coming back, expects to be fed everyday when she does turn up. She'll send me random texts asking me to wash her dishes or help with her house while she is at work. When she does come over, she's moody and just sits on her phone or goes to sleep. She moans that she "has to" be here everyday, despite the fact that her needs are the reason she is here everyday. It's like having a third teenager. If I try and challenge this, she loses her temper, everything is my fault, I'm selfish, I can't tel her what to do...

However, as much as that picture is painting a really depressing story and everyone will be screaming at me to cut her off, it's really not that easy. We've supported each other through a ridiculous amount of shit, we have wonderful trips out and holidays, we share families. She has MH problems, which is why I've ended up doing the physical support around her house.

So, am I just a complete bitch, do I need to be supportive and stop being so selfish?

Or am I right, should I stop fighting for this friendship that is starting to feel toxic - and if so, how do I let go of the "but we have been friends forever and have millions of memories and one day it will be good again" feeling?

Or can there be an in between somehow? We enjoy events and trips but I stop being her personal maid (and yes I know I've pretty much allowed this).

Wow that was a lot...I'm sure I'll think of other things as we go along!

you know what you need to do but i can see you care about the impact that would have on her DD. I think you need SS on side here they need to know what the impact on your withdrawal from their lives would have on the child and ensure they are monitoring appropriately.

She is an abusive user MH issues or not

Yes. And the impact on her. I care about them both and I think I still want a friendship at the end of this! I don't think any changes can happen overnight.

You are enabling her to have this dysfunctional lifestyle. I really think some tough love is needed her to wake her up and see that she cannot treat anyone like this, let alone a supposed best friend. Stop feeding her for a start. You are not her mother. Have your dinner over with by the time she collects her dd, if possible, and don't make extra. Does she pay you for childcare? If not then ask for a contribution to her daughters care - if even just to cover the daughters food. When she collects her dd have her ready at the door with her coat on and just don't have her coming in to sit on her arse eating your food for the evening. Seriously, you need to stop allowing this to carry on. She needs to go home to her house and clean it herself, spend some time with her daughter outside of being with you and your kids. Just don't be so available to her.

How old is she?

From what you said it sounds as if she was considering a termination but you assured her that if she was a single parent you would help. She is therefore expecting you to provide that help almost as if you are her partner rather than her friend.

Not to slag off parenting styles before anyone shouts me down. They don't spend any quality time together if this happens. She would put DD to bed watching a film and have a bath herself and go to bed. The only thing this would achieve is DD spending time alone.

No she would never terminate. She wasn't expecting a pregnancy and could not cope with the idea in any way. But I didn't mind that level of support - I think I'm seeing that it is more about her attitude.

Why are you both acting as though you are responsible for her?? How did it evolve from a friendship to this? It's absolutely nuts - I really don't know how people find themselves in this position. If a friend was trying to treat me like this I would tell them to get stuffed.

Why on earth do you agree to all of this?! She’s not your responsibility!

How much is the loan?

I don't even know. I shouldn't feel guilty for having a night off. I should be able to say hi without worrying. I don't know how it's ended up like this - or how to get out of it. I know it's my mess and I've created it.

If she could not cope with the idea in any way then maybe the support could have been to help her consider termination. Not that anyone would want to be without the little girl now but it could be that she has always struggled with being a parent and always will.

To look at FB, she's the perfect mother with the perfect life? Is it wrong that that pisses me off? No one would believe what it's really like.

Yes, I was thinking foster carer too! You said she's like your own, and like a sister to your children. Could you find out how much you might be able to get paid being a carer and see if this could offset her debt? Then you could suggest that since her child spends most of her time at yours anyway, she might as well move in. It's obvious that your friend doesn't really want the responsibility of a child anyway. Tell her that she'd have more money and time and that when she comes to visit once or twice a week you can all have a lovely family time together. Then she can keep her house as she likes.

You're a diamond OP, the world needs more people like you. Best of luck.

What a lovely thing to say! Thank you!

I feel like a bitchy, selfish, idiot at the moment!

The issue is that your bf is either unable or unwilling to care for her child and her home. However she does seem to be able to hold down a job which suggest to me she is unwilling rather than unable.

You obviously care for her DD and have a very good bond with her. SS have seen that the current set up ensures the child is being cared for adequately which is their ultimate goal. However this set up no longer works for you.

I would go back to SS and say the situation is untenable now and you cannot continue as it is. They will need to re-assess the situation and put other plans in place. If you still wish to look after her DD but not clean their home and feed your friend daily i guess that makes it more complicated but i am sure there will be a way through it all.

You sound like a lovely caring person.

.

I don’t think it’s your job to make it go nicely if you decided to apply to be the little girls foster carer. It would be your job to care for her, which you’re already doing but being abused by her mother at the same time.

I know you said she’d been signed off from Ss so I assume you were in contact with them in the past. Is there a case worker you could call to discuss this with?

I think you have to face up to the role you have played in creating this situation or at least allowing it to happen.

You told her when she was pregnant and didn't want to even entertain the idea of having a baby that you would help her manage as a single parent.

You took out a loan in your name to pay for something for her.

You provided free childcare so that she could go to work.

You must have had your reasons for getting so involved in her life.

Much more than just friendship. You were being kind, you wanted to help your friend, you love the little girl. But you have involved yourself so much that to now withdraw all that help would be devastating to her.

I can see that she is being difficult. But I can also see from what you say that she has mental health problems, obviously had an abusive partner, never wanted to have a child and is reluctantly reliant on you.

You got into this mess together. And now you don't even know what you want.

You need to either cut her off and inform social services and say good bye to the money for her debt, or you could give her the option of being her paid childminder-no meals for her ever day only dd, or you offer to be her official foster career until she is back on her feet and figures out what she wants. She sounds like she doesn't want this child or to be a mother and even resents you looking after her. She isn't capable of looking after her and that isn't fair on the child. At lease if you foster her, it will be a paid job.

I agree with PPs.

Talk to SS about becoming official foster family. See what they say.

Your "friend" cannot be a parent to her child, that is clear. She can live in filth if she likes, but she cannot have a child living in filth and it is not at all right that you should be her skivvy.

If the DC lives in your house, with everyone's agreement, then that will be best for everyone.

If your "friend" then says she'll manage alone, SS will eventually end up taking her child into care anyway, it sounds like.

I don't know. That's why people start threads isn't it - to work things out in their mind when you can't talk about it IRL.

School have raised issues re attendance. They set up a child plan at one point. It made her bombard me for more help in case she got into trouble.

She doesn't tell SS what it's really like. She tidies before they visit, she tells the story of her perfect life that the rest of the world sees.

That's the problem though, by bailing her out of every mess as think she's fine and is coping. It also stops her from having to face up to her own reality.

Now she has a job and isnt a student anymore, can she get a loan in her own name for the total amount owed on the one in your name, and then transfer the money to you and you pay it off in full?. Then she just repays the same amount each month but to the new loan that is in her name. Maybe you can sell it to her that she can refinance for a lower rate or something, or you need to free up your credit for another project?

I would focus on untangling the financial ties first, then work out how to set boundaries that work for you. If she strops off, it wont matter so much as now. Then maybe she will adjust her behaviour towards you and you can rescue a relationship

*ss not as. Bloody autocorrect.

You have been told numerous times now to contact SS so you either do that and back away from your friend, or you continue with this ridiculous set up for many years to come, most likely getting worse as the dd grows up and doesn't want to know her mother - that will be your fault too in your friends mind.