To break up with my best friend

[slippersandtoast]

I think I've pretty much reached the point where I think I need to do this, but I feel like a complete bitch for doing so.

I look after her DD morning and evening, and she sleeps over sometimes. It's reached to stage where of DD is hurt or something, she runs to me first as BF doesn't respond. BF takes me for granted when I'm doing that, doesn't tell me when she's coming back, expects to be fed everyday when she does turn up. She'll send me random texts asking me to wash her dishes or help with her house while she is at work. When she does come over, she's moody and just sits on her phone or goes to sleep. She moans that she "has to" be here everyday, despite the fact that her needs are the reason she is here everyday. It's like having a third teenager. If I try and challenge this, she loses her temper, everything is my fault, I'm selfish, I can't tel her what to do...

However, as much as that picture is painting a really depressing story and everyone will be screaming at me to cut her off, it's really not that easy. We've supported each other through a ridiculous amount of shit, we have wonderful trips out and holidays, we share families. She has MH problems, which is why I've ended up doing the physical support around her house.

So, am I just a complete bitch, do I need to be supportive and stop being so selfish?

Or am I right, should I stop fighting for this friendship that is starting to feel toxic - and if so, how do I let go of the "but we have been friends forever and have millions of memories and one day it will be good again" feeling?

Or can there be an in between somehow? We enjoy events and trips but I stop being her personal maid (and yes I know I've pretty much allowed this).

Wow that was a lot...I'm sure I'll think of other things as we go along!

MH services have discharged her. She's far from well but that's not the kind of help services can offer anymore, it's pretty much emergencies only.

I love DD like my own. I was there when she was born and have looked after her everyday.

Fairenugh. That's why this is so hard - I don't know what I want. I want it to be nice again, don't know if it can be, don't know if I should wait and support, don't know if I'm a bitch for walking away.

If you changed "friend" for "partner" in this scenario, everyone would tell you he's abusive and to LTB. She is abusing you OP and taking advantage of your good nature

This all sounds very one sided to me. It sounds like she takes you for granted and is actually quite selfish. I think you need to step back from the situation and put yourself first. I've been in situations like this and when the time came that I needed my friend she was too busy. Think about you and make a break

"When I ask her to put her phone down and have a chat for a bit, I'm controlling her. When I say dinner is ready, she tells me I can't treat her like I'm her child and tell her what to do all the time. If I tell her I can't do something, she says she doesn't need me, fuck off then"

If someone posted here about their partner treating them like that, the responses would be LTB. Mental health issues don't mean it's ok to treat your nearest and dearest like shit. In your case, you're actually keeping her afloat so her behaviour is beyond acceptable, and the message you're sending to your own children is that they have to accept crap behaviour from a "friend".

Does she pay you for minding her child and feeding herself and DD, doing her housework etc.?

"Re money - it's a debt she pays the monthly payments on. She just has it in my name as she was a student at the time. I couldn't afford to let it go atm."

So you don't actually owe this money, she does?! But you're liable for it although she's not a student any more. I think you need some professional advice on this completely unfair situation. Do you have anything in writing?

Wow. Yes.

But I don't know how to stop.

Nothing in writing. This was when the friendship was good and I was happy to help. I'm an idiot.

I think you'd be better off becoming her DD's official foster carer if possible, then the Local Authority would at least pay you for caring for the DD. Your 'friend' then gets to visit once or twice a week only. You get to put in place a routine for yourself.

Then your 'friend' has the ability to sort her shit out WITHOUT your help.

I know the answers would ltb. But there is a child involved, who is not yours. In relationships you would take the child too. I know you can’t save everyone and need to make a decision on a way forward.

Do you think SS would assist?

I've often wondered if this would be the result if I told the truth about what I really do and out up with. BF wouldn't allow it though, I don't think.

Ehlana
I was also thinking that. But assume that is not what op wants as SS have asked her to do this in the past when things get bad.

I had someone like this they manipulate you into helping them then they treat you like dirt get rid it won’t be pretty but be firm and move house if possible

She is neglectful of her child. You cannot go on with this - it is not fair on you. Ss need to step in now.

Mummy. Yes this. I am genuinely concerned about the emotional effect of not being in this child's life.

How long are the repayments due to go on for?!

That's why this is so hard - I don't know what I want. I want it to be nice again, don't know if it can be, don't know if I should wait and support, don't know if I'm a bitch for walking away.

So you don't mind looking after her dd or feeding them all, it's just her attitude about it all that is getting you down?

slippers
Cross post. Is this something you would contemplate then? As you say you’d need to be honest with SS.

My goodness you are her bitch not her friend.
I hope you can read back what you have been writing. She sounds abusive.
How much does it actually cost you to have her in your life?
Neither of you have boundaries. I'm horrified that you have allowed her to treat you so badly.
No gratitude for everything you do for her and her dd.
You need to rethink what you want from this so called friendship

So basically the only time she she has parental responsibility is when the kid is asleep!
If she doesn't take her child to school if you won't or can't, and her house becomes a shit tip then ss will surely step in again.

Can't child's father have custody? Are her parents around?

If she manages to hold down a job, she can do her own fecking housework!

Another cross post. Then I think you will need to be honest. If you are then they can properly assess the situation.

If you were a foster carer, I imagine you’d get money for this. Am I right? Then you could clear the debt this way perhaps.

Fairenugh. Yes, I think so. When I started this arrangement, it worked well. We all spent time together happily, she got what she needed, I was thanked and respected. I think that's the key change in the last couple of years. If I felt appreciated then I don't think I would mind all the extra work because I do love them both. I just want the shit to end.

@slippersandtoast Somewhere there is still a friendship and we have nice events. I don't want to cut her off completely. I just want my life back

Write to her and let her know how you feel. You want a friendship.

No possibility of changes in contact for father. No extended family. She works long hours - her excuse for the house.

I'd happily be her foster career but I can't imagine it would go nicely.

You have become her mother/maid. She is your ungrateful teenage daughter/princess. You have allowed this to happen. She uses your feelings for her dc to manipulate you into doing her cooking and cleaning, Cinderella. She's not a nice person to her child or to you.

I know. I just don't know how to undo it.