To break up with my best friend

[slippersandtoast]

I think I've pretty much reached the point where I think I need to do this, but I feel like a complete bitch for doing so.

I look after her DD morning and evening, and she sleeps over sometimes. It's reached to stage where of DD is hurt or something, she runs to me first as BF doesn't respond. BF takes me for granted when I'm doing that, doesn't tell me when she's coming back, expects to be fed everyday when she does turn up. She'll send me random texts asking me to wash her dishes or help with her house while she is at work. When she does come over, she's moody and just sits on her phone or goes to sleep. She moans that she "has to" be here everyday, despite the fact that her needs are the reason she is here everyday. It's like having a third teenager. If I try and challenge this, she loses her temper, everything is my fault, I'm selfish, I can't tel her what to do...

However, as much as that picture is painting a really depressing story and everyone will be screaming at me to cut her off, it's really not that easy. We've supported each other through a ridiculous amount of shit, we have wonderful trips out and holidays, we share families. She has MH problems, which is why I've ended up doing the physical support around her house.

So, am I just a complete bitch, do I need to be supportive and stop being so selfish?

Or am I right, should I stop fighting for this friendship that is starting to feel toxic - and if so, how do I let go of the "but we have been friends forever and have millions of memories and one day it will be good again" feeling?

Or can there be an in between somehow? We enjoy events and trips but I stop being her personal maid (and yes I know I've pretty much allowed this).

Wow that was a lot...I'm sure I'll think of other things as we go along!

How'sit going Slippers? Have you seen CF friend? Or the DD? (Or SS?)

SS have seen her, as I've had plenty of abuse about it. Our friendship is definitely over, and she says I can't see DD ever again. She hates me. I feel distraught.

for you. This is NOT your fault. You were in an awful situation and you have done the right thing for her dd. Please try and hold on to
that, you have been the saviour of her dd.

Except now DDs life is much worse, she never comes home and is being passed around elsewhere instead. She was used to being here all the time.

And I've lost the people that were so dear to me.

Oh slippers you’ve done nothing wrong. You helped as much as you could for as long as you could and you loved as much as you had. She’s the architect of her own misfortune as well f she’d simply been grateful and appreciative of your support you wouldn’t have burnt out. You absolutely in the right contacting SS, her poor DD needs a support network around her and unfortunately her mother sabotaged the set up with you so that support needs to come from elsewhere. She’s a very vulnerable youngster. I hope SS act swiftly and you get some reassurance as to the arrangements being made to support her.

Are SS condoning her being ‘passed around’ or is something happening about that?

Her daughter’s stability is paramount here.
Sorry you’re going through this Slippers

I have no idea what's been said, but nothing seems to have changed.

Will SS not discuss this with you?

You were trusted to have a huge roll in the child’s life when it suited them and her ‘mother’ - maybe you should point this out if they won’t.

No they won't. But they didn't seem that concerned either. But judging by BF behaviour, you'd think something major has happened. I don't know.

Have they taken her DD into care perhaps?

No she's around enough for that not to be the case...even if she did only come home for about 12 hours one night last week. And I'm sure I would have heard much more about it than I have if that was the case. So far, I'm just "fucking scum" who reported her.

You did the right thing, though OP. You really did.

The poor DD - hopefully SS are looking out for her.

This is so sad OP. I'd wondered how things were going. I wish I had some better advice

I'm really sad. I really miss them. All we used to do and all we had planned. And knowing I'm hated for it, is just unbearable.

You need to keep yourself busy, to take your mind off it.

I know. I try to. But I'll think of something that I would have just text her and we would have laughed about, or I'll see something she bought me, or memories on FB. It's like leaving an actual relationship. But I did nothing wrong and she hates me. I don't want to just walk away. Pathetic as it is, I want it to be how it once was.

I understand. It will take time, you're grieving the loss of the friendship that you once had. But it's in the past, and you can't get it back. She's not the friend that she once was, and hasn't been for a long time.

You're just going to have to go through the process. Perhaps look up coping strategies for grief, they might help you.

This so terribly sad. I hope her DD is okay and someone will tell you what's going on for your peace of mind. You're amazing.

Oh, OP, I've just read the thread and your posts are making me cry. Please, please don't blame yourself; you've been utterly selfless in all of this. Your heart must be breaking right now so please take your time to grieve the loss of the relationships you had. Thinking of you.

I’m so sorry this is how it is right now. It’s dreadful. I had a very good friend and her little boy in my life that I had a similar relationship with (though for very different reasons) and I totally understand how devastated you are feeling.

I hope that she gets the help she needs and that she comes to realise that her DD needs to see you and have you in her life. Her too really.

Or maybe SS will step in and ask you if you’ll look after her?

I think I would try to find someone from SS who grasps the situation better and can be more ‘on it’ than just ‘she’s not being badly abused’. I get they're beyond busy, but it doesn’t mean we should accept kids like this being over looked.

In the meantime try to keep yourself busy with things you didn’t have the time and freedom to do before and drive your kids and wanting to spend loads of time with them 😁

It really is breaking. I want to be angry at her for her behaviour but I can't. I'm just so sad that she hates me and I can't see DD. I wanted to move things out of sight that reminded me of her but I realised that everything in my house was either bought by her, or when we were on our trips. This is turning out to be harder than leaving my husband!

You really must keep yourself busy at the moment.
Maybe get a bit more pro-active and start contacting SS daily instead of mourning this freeloader‘friend’.
I understand you’re really upset at the moment OP, but moping won’t change a thing. If you want to maintain contact with this child, you have to make your point very clearly to the child’s social worker.
If they don’t respond, don’t give up, go to their manager and so on.
If you give up too easily it’ll just look like you don’t care.
Both the mother and SS were more than happy for you to play a huge stabilising influence in this child’s life, and now she’s not seeing you at all.
I’d be questioning the SW as to how that is in the child’s best interest. Which should be their main concern.

I've been the little girl in this situation so my view is going to be different. While it probably was not your intention you have become an enabler ,so much so that you have colluded with her in lying to professionals who could have helped. While many people are telling you what a great freind you are, I disagree, because enablers are often complicit in abuse and often make things worse.

My young life was full of enablers, there was no limit to the number of people who claimed to be helping and supportive. What that actually meant was they made it easier for my family to act abusively and they expected to be thanked for it. I won't ever thank them.

Oh but I've never hidden the truth from anyone. SS and MH services were quite happy - and asked me to do these things. All my interventions were care planned.

Op doing her pots, making her tea and being sworn at were not care planned. You looking after her dd could not have ever been a long term thing and was not care planned to be so. Social services would not have been happy with the dd being at your house every day. They did not ask or arrange for you to do these things because it's not workable and it's not acceptable.

There are many families struggling and while there are limited services to help, social services are not setting up care plans with neighbors.