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AIBU?

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Original poster

To break up with my best friend

310 replies

slippersandtoast · 22/01/2019 11:03

I think I've pretty much reached the point where I think I need to do this, but I feel like a complete bitch for doing so.

I look after her DD morning and evening, and she sleeps over sometimes. It's reached to stage where of DD is hurt or something, she runs to me first as BF doesn't respond. BF takes me for granted when I'm doing that, doesn't tell me when she's coming back, expects to be fed everyday when she does turn up. She'll send me random texts asking me to wash her dishes or help with her house while she is at work. When she does come over, she's moody and just sits on her phone or goes to sleep. She moans that she "has to" be here everyday, despite the fact that her needs are the reason she is here everyday. It's like having a third teenager. If I try and challenge this, she loses her temper, everything is my fault, I'm selfish, I can't tel her what to do...

However, as much as that picture is painting a really depressing story and everyone will be screaming at me to cut her off, it's really not that easy. We've supported each other through a ridiculous amount of shit, we have wonderful trips out and holidays, we share families. She has MH problems, which is why I've ended up doing the physical support around her house.

So, am I just a complete bitch, do I need to be supportive and stop being so selfish?

Or am I right, should I stop fighting for this friendship that is starting to feel toxic - and if so, how do I let go of the "but we have been friends forever and have millions of memories and one day it will be good again" feeling?

Or can there be an in between somehow? We enjoy events and trips but I stop being her personal maid (and yes I know I've pretty much allowed this).

Wow that was a lot...I'm sure I'll think of other things as we go along!

OP posts:
Original poster
slippersandtoast · 22/01/2019 14:52

Would SS really step in for the reasons I have listed when it all looks ok from the outside? Will I just be causing a pointless shitstorm?

OP posts:
pasturesgreen · 22/01/2019 14:52

The thing is, while it may not seem like that to you, your own DC are missing out. Their mum is - understandably - stressed and worried about the situation, and you're spending money on your "friend's" DD (the meals and childcare you provide) that could be better spent on your own family.

I'm sorry, this is going to sound cold hearted, but you need to take a good hard look at the situation. This woman is not behaving like a best friend would: she is seriously mentally unwell and needs professional help and support. As many others have said, however well intentioned, you're enabling her and preventing her to access the help she needs by masking the symptoms. Get professional advice with regards to the debt and then distance yourself.

woolduvet · 22/01/2019 14:58

Re the money, tell her you need to take out a loan and you can't with her debt tied to your name, so she'll need to clear it.
What about putting boundaries in place, you pick her up and give ch an early tea, when mum comes she's at the door ready to go. (Not sure if I misread that you're giving mum tea too and they're staying til bed?)
You need to slowly put things in place that means bf has to start to be a parent.
I can see how much you care for her.

Original poster
slippersandtoast · 22/01/2019 15:08

She knows I'm skint atm, I've asked for some cash she owes me back today and she says she can't.

Yes I feed them both.

OP posts:
Original poster
slippersandtoast · 22/01/2019 15:10

She's just told me that if I'm being selfish and refusing to collect DD tonight, then at least I can collect her from work so she has time.

OP posts:
WunderBlah · 22/01/2019 15:13

text back

No.

crimsonhair · 22/01/2019 15:14

She is refusing to collect her child and you know she is a heartless bully. I would call SS asap.

HelenUrth · 22/01/2019 15:16

You'll end up with MH issues yourself OP. You can't let this go on.
I feel for you and your family, and of course this poor little girl, it's heartbreaking. But nothing will change until you change something.

NoSquirrels · 22/01/2019 15:16

If you talk straight with her, what happens?

If you say - "Friend, you need to start being a better more responsible parent. You need to change your work hours to be able to be around more for DD, and you need to make sure the house is clean with electricity on the meter and clean clothes for DD. I can't keep doing this all for you. If you can't do it, we need to talk to SS."

What happens if you say that?

WunderBlah · 22/01/2019 15:16

Would SS really step in for the reasons I have listed when it all looks ok from the outside? Will I just be causing a pointless shitstorm?

You won't be causing a shitstorm. The shitstorm is already happening, you are part of the camouflage. Camouflaging a shitstorm is no way to resolve a shitstorm. You are enabling.

NoSquirrels · 22/01/2019 15:17

Please ask to talk to the safeguarding lead at the DD's school in confidence.

Mumofaprinny · 22/01/2019 15:21

Yes, they have been involved with her before so they will look into it. Take a step back, don’t clean the house and let them really see what she’s making her child live in!

woolduvet · 22/01/2019 15:33

"We arranged this, so no it's you who is being selfish. "

Fairenuff · 22/01/2019 15:38

She's just told me that if I'm being selfish and refusing to collect DD tonight, then at least I can collect her from work so she has time.

This is your opportunity to text back I am not being selfish. I told you that I would not be available this afternoon. I have other commitments.

That's it. Why is it so hard for you to do that?

Sparklesocks · 22/01/2019 15:39

From your posts I can see how exhausted you are OP. I know you don’t want to hurt your friend but you need to think about your needs too. Is this what you want your life to be? Doting on someone who takes advantage of you in every way she can? You deserve happiness too, not just her. You deserve to have that time for yourself and your DC.

StrongTea · 22/01/2019 15:50

Nightmare, what type of job does she have? How can she cope at work if this is her attitude?

AbsentmindedWoman · 22/01/2019 16:03

This is crazy.

How long were you friends before she became hateful to you? How on earth does she have the gall to be so horrible when you are holding her whole life together?

What is her diagnosis?

jay55 · 22/01/2019 16:16

She needs to get a loan in her own name and use it to repay the one in yours.

TwoBlueFish · 22/01/2019 16:25

You really do need to contact social services. She’s basically doing nothing for her daughter apart from be an adult presence in the house at night. Could you suggest private fostering to her while she gets herself together a bit more, reconnects with MH services, sorts her house, goes on a parenting course etc. Does she contribute anything towards costs for feeding her and her daughter? Could you maybe take her daughter to her house one afternoon a week and talk your friend through cooking the evening meal, playing with her daughter etc?

The way she’s treating you is very very disrespectful, I think you’re her “safe person” that she doesn’t have to put on a front for so all the crap comes out.

Original poster
slippersandtoast · 22/01/2019 16:35

I dote on the child not the mum.

OP posts:
GetOffTheTableMabel · 22/01/2019 17:09

I really feel that you are in an abusive relationship. I can understand why this is difficult and that you love her dd but your friend is abusing you every bit as much as if she were an abusive partner.
You say that you have had many good times together. You obviously believe that she is troubled rather than a bad person but this behaviour has to stop.
Are you frightened of her? What do you fear will happen if you say something along the lines of “I am happy to keep collecting your dd and caring for her but you may not speak to me like that. Decide whether you want to behave in a kind and friendly manner towards me. If you don’t want to, then don’t come inside. You do not have to be here. It’s your choice. If you choose to be here, you need to be pleasant.”
What would she do if you drew a line and said “I love you friend but I will not be spoken to like that”?

Original poster
slippersandtoast · 22/01/2019 17:38

Oh I've said that a million times. It's a problem with my expectations and not her attitude.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 22/01/2019 17:45

Can you withdraw in little ways? No picking up, for example? If you aren’t there to do pick up, she’s bound to fail to do it at which point SS will at least take it seriously. She sounds like she needs SS help. You can’t live your life for her which is what it sounds like currently.

AhNowTed · 22/01/2019 17:50

This is utterly ridiculous.

OP she's not your best friend. She's not even a friend. She's a user. Of the highest order.

Start saying no. At least she might start to appreciate what you're doing for her. She just expects.

And you're martyring yourself to someone who doesn't deserve it.

"I'm not here for pasta. Your selfish" SERIOUSLY 🙄

Aeroflotgirl · 22/01/2019 17:55

You need to start saying no and distance yourself, she is a total user.

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