To break up with my best friend

[slippersandtoast]

I think I've pretty much reached the point where I think I need to do this, but I feel like a complete bitch for doing so.

I look after her DD morning and evening, and she sleeps over sometimes. It's reached to stage where of DD is hurt or something, she runs to me first as BF doesn't respond. BF takes me for granted when I'm doing that, doesn't tell me when she's coming back, expects to be fed everyday when she does turn up. She'll send me random texts asking me to wash her dishes or help with her house while she is at work. When she does come over, she's moody and just sits on her phone or goes to sleep. She moans that she "has to" be here everyday, despite the fact that her needs are the reason she is here everyday. It's like having a third teenager. If I try and challenge this, she loses her temper, everything is my fault, I'm selfish, I can't tel her what to do...

However, as much as that picture is painting a really depressing story and everyone will be screaming at me to cut her off, it's really not that easy. We've supported each other through a ridiculous amount of shit, we have wonderful trips out and holidays, we share families. She has MH problems, which is why I've ended up doing the physical support around her house.

So, am I just a complete bitch, do I need to be supportive and stop being so selfish?

Or am I right, should I stop fighting for this friendship that is starting to feel toxic - and if so, how do I let go of the "but we have been friends forever and have millions of memories and one day it will be good again" feeling?

Or can there be an in between somehow? We enjoy events and trips but I stop being her personal maid (and yes I know I've pretty much allowed this).

Wow that was a lot...I'm sure I'll think of other things as we go along!

And when I've rang in the past with my concerns, they ask me to take DD into my care until things are sorted

No social worker would suggest this. You're not a qualified foster parent and have no authority to remove her child.

I think you need to see a psychologist to discuss this before you are pulled back in. Your thought process is not normal at all!

Oh but I've never hidden the truth from anyone. SS and MH services were quite happy - and asked me to do these things. All my interventions were care planned

Op you are not being truthful. If you had not hidden anything there would be no reason for the recent call. You openly say you wonder what would happen if you told them the truth.

And when I've rang in the past with my concerns, they ask me to take DD into my care until things are sorted

SS have just taken information. Haven't heard anything from them. All contact has stopped

I've often wondered if this would be the result if I told the truth about what I really do and out up with. BF wouldn't allow it though, I don't think

She doesn't tell SS what it's really like. She tidies before they visit, she tells the story of her perfect life that the rest of the world sees

If I call SS, there will be a massive fallout. I need to get everything right to create the least problems

And I worry about the fallout SS would cause. I don't think BF would allow me to foster

Would SS really step in for the reasons I have listed when it all looks ok from the outside? Will I just be causing a pointless shitstorm

SS were only happy with that here as he had his own bed and belongings here

There is something off about this whole thing and you are not being straight. I've read the the thread carefully and it seems you offered to be an unofficial childminder for your freind. You do not give any examples of her mistreating this child in any way. Your complaints are about how she treats you.

I do not accept in a million years that you were involved in any care plan.I do not accept social services were happy this child had a bed and belongings at your house. I do not accept that a social worker told you to take this child into your care.

What exactly are your concerns about this little girl?

@sprouts21

It is quite possible that SS asked the OP to take the girl in while things get sorted. I have seen cases and made measures of residence for children who, at that time, cannot stay at home. For a million and one different reasons.
If the OP and her friend have a close almost family relationship and there is trust and stability in the OPS house for the little girl, then yes, she would have been asked to care for the little girl. It would have been a temp measure and any long term care of the little girl by the OP would be done under kinship care. But there hasn't been a more long term care plan done. I also disagree that the OP wouldn't be involved in the care plan, again, after looking at and questioning hundreds of care plans, it is most likely she would have been involved in the care plan.

Thanks witch. That's pretty much how it went. And because SS weren't involved very much, they didn't realise the extent of what I was doing.

Yes my post was about my treatment by BF, but if I was talking about a marriage then people would have all been shouting about abuse at me.

For now, I'm just devastated that stepping back meant I've lost all contact.

It's must be horrible not being able to see the little girl, however, you have done the right thing. Although your intentions were for the best, it has enabled her. Plus, Ss are already aware of the stability you can provide and of the relationship you have so if it does get to the stage where they are thinking about care away from home, then they know you. And the little girl knows you.

I know it's hard but me patient and trust that they will do what's right.

Could you start slow for your own sake. Next time she says can you pick up Dd you say you can't that day. Then the next time, you're busy. Rather than a big I can't do this anymore full stop.

Ah, just seen there's four pages so my suggestion might be pointless.

I have a chance to read the whole thread now I can see my advice is pointless. Apologies for that. You have done absolutely nothing wrong, you have done your best by a child who has been plainly neglected

take some time for yourself and your own family and wait to see who contacts yobe it your ex friend or social services and then make your decision about where you go from here. But take some time for yourself and your own children.

Ah thank you. I am trying. And part of me is enjoying the freedom and time. But part of me is so devastated and I wish I'd never done anything now.

Witch I'm familiar with kinship care, but I don't believe a social worker asked the op over the phone to take the child into her care without any assessment or discussion with the parent. The op says social services weren't involved very much which seems odd if they were so concerned they were looking for a carer for the child.

Op I am not disputing the fact that your freind has behaved very badly. But I cannot see anything in your posts that indicate the child is being abused.