To break up with my best friend

[slippersandtoast]

I think I've pretty much reached the point where I think I need to do this, but I feel like a complete bitch for doing so.

I look after her DD morning and evening, and she sleeps over sometimes. It's reached to stage where of DD is hurt or something, she runs to me first as BF doesn't respond. BF takes me for granted when I'm doing that, doesn't tell me when she's coming back, expects to be fed everyday when she does turn up. She'll send me random texts asking me to wash her dishes or help with her house while she is at work. When she does come over, she's moody and just sits on her phone or goes to sleep. She moans that she "has to" be here everyday, despite the fact that her needs are the reason she is here everyday. It's like having a third teenager. If I try and challenge this, she loses her temper, everything is my fault, I'm selfish, I can't tel her what to do...

However, as much as that picture is painting a really depressing story and everyone will be screaming at me to cut her off, it's really not that easy. We've supported each other through a ridiculous amount of shit, we have wonderful trips out and holidays, we share families. She has MH problems, which is why I've ended up doing the physical support around her house.

So, am I just a complete bitch, do I need to be supportive and stop being so selfish?

Or am I right, should I stop fighting for this friendship that is starting to feel toxic - and if so, how do I let go of the "but we have been friends forever and have millions of memories and one day it will be good again" feeling?

Or can there be an in between somehow? We enjoy events and trips but I stop being her personal maid (and yes I know I've pretty much allowed this).

Wow that was a lot...I'm sure I'll think of other things as we go along!

I think you either need to speak to Children’s services, or if you can’t face that, then the school safeguarding person. Make a list of all that you’re doing and what has happened previously when you have stepped back / been away. And say that you are going to step back and she is likely to need some help. Then the school can be prewarned to act as soon as the signs of neglect show.

Good luck OP

I know. 3 more years.

3 years!

She has you over a barrel then.

Nothing you can do about it.

I don't see how you can be made responsible for her coping. If you have an agreement to look after her dc whilst she works then could you carry on with that but stop feeding her and doing her housekeeping?

I have stopped doing her housework, despite the relentless requests - but I'm getting worried about the state of her house as a result. She just ignores it and goes to bed but that's not healthy for DD!

She arrives back to collect DD at dinner time and brings DD at breakfast time, so I couldn't not feed her while we all eat. She hangs around then until DD bedtime.

You’re not the nanny or unpaid hired help. SS will advise on this. Enough!

SS know exactly what I do. He thinks it's lovely we are all so close and that BF and DD are lucky to have me.

Maybe you could talk to someone from SS since you are intrinsic to the care plan. You have become a significant person, both practically and emotionally, to her child. Your friend clearly needs support but at present it is all being provided by you. From your posts she is in a bad place and needs professional MH input.
Presumably she has no family or other close friends to share the responsibility. You must feel backed into a corner by her needs and demands. Cutting her off completely may not be the answer but maybe you should arrange to take a short break with plenty of notice and see how she copes. How do your family feel about the time you give to your friend I wonder, her being around so much must affect family life.
I'm sure you'll get replies from people with more specific suggestions as to where to find support for your friend.

And when I've rang in the past with my concerns, they ask me to take DD into my care until things are sorted.

Can you think of ways to break up the cycle gradually. You say she is always at yours - so instead of her having to come to you to pick her dd up could you drop her off at her house. You could say you have an appointment to go to and you will drop her dd to her house on your way back?

As for her house being a state - well so what if it is? If she doesn't mind it that way - it's not your job to clean it up. If she wants it a state then let it be.

OK, just saw your last post. SS is right, you ARE lovely but that's not the point. Tell them it's too much for you and you're considering withdrawing your support. Make it clear that you mean it.

Beezie my DC love the child like a sibling. By the time they have come home from their activities, eaten and done homework, BF has gone so it all works out in that respect. All the children involved are happy. I'd certainly be reacting quicker if they expressed concern.

I did take a break last year - one term time and one holiday time. She didn't take DC to school, her house became disgusting, they barely ate, they just stayed at home the whole time; except when she worked and DD was sent to her dad's.

Somewhere there is still a friendship and we have nice events. I don't want to cut her off completely. I just want my life back.

SS didn't sort things though, did they? Poor DD, is she at nursery or school?

I can't tell any lies. She can see my house so would know if I was really home. I've taken DC out for tea before just to pretend I'm not available.

DD is lower school.

You need to get her to sign a legally binding contract agreeing that the debt was hers and that she agrees to continue to cover the costs (get some legal advice on this). Make sure it's properly, legally. witnessed. Then when she's done this, break up with her. She's going to suck you dry.

Which bit do you want to stop then?

You've stopped cleaning her house for her and you don't want to stop doing the dinner for them all, so what else is there?

Her DC can't be your problem anymore. I know that sounds harsh, but SS can't keep passing the buck to you. You're knackered. You have your own life and your own time/life constraints.

Schools are often quick to flag up concerns about absences. I guess they too think that everything is fine because you are giving so much support.
Do you want to say what the situation is with the father? Don't list more than you want to. Such a mess and a child, as so often, stuck in the middle of it all.

I think you probably need to contact SS and tell them you can no longer cope and will withdraw support completely unless they support you.

She’s not a friend, she’s manipulating and abusing you. This is like an abusive relationship more than a friendship.

You need to contact SS and explain you can’t help her anymore then sit her down and do the same. Tell her you have your own life and family, you can’t raise hers too.

It sounds like such a horrific situation. She sounds so selfish.
Does she engage with mental health? Does she want help, attend appointments, is she on medication?
If she's engaging and genuinely trying to gain control of things then maybe I'd think slightly differently but if she's not then she's just taking you for a ride.
How do you feel about dd being in your care?

Re father - non mol and strict court order re contact. No possibility of me contacting him or him having extra time.

Also to echo what a PP said. It is in SS best interests to support you here. You might have to bang a few drums. But they need to be supporting you because it's you otherwise it's 2 families struggling that will need their support