To break up with my best friend

[slippersandtoast]

I think I've pretty much reached the point where I think I need to do this, but I feel like a complete bitch for doing so.

I look after her DD morning and evening, and she sleeps over sometimes. It's reached to stage where of DD is hurt or something, she runs to me first as BF doesn't respond. BF takes me for granted when I'm doing that, doesn't tell me when she's coming back, expects to be fed everyday when she does turn up. She'll send me random texts asking me to wash her dishes or help with her house while she is at work. When she does come over, she's moody and just sits on her phone or goes to sleep. She moans that she "has to" be here everyday, despite the fact that her needs are the reason she is here everyday. It's like having a third teenager. If I try and challenge this, she loses her temper, everything is my fault, I'm selfish, I can't tel her what to do...

However, as much as that picture is painting a really depressing story and everyone will be screaming at me to cut her off, it's really not that easy. We've supported each other through a ridiculous amount of shit, we have wonderful trips out and holidays, we share families. She has MH problems, which is why I've ended up doing the physical support around her house.

So, am I just a complete bitch, do I need to be supportive and stop being so selfish?

Or am I right, should I stop fighting for this friendship that is starting to feel toxic - and if so, how do I let go of the "but we have been friends forever and have millions of memories and one day it will be good again" feeling?

Or can there be an in between somehow? We enjoy events and trips but I stop being her personal maid (and yes I know I've pretty much allowed this).

Wow that was a lot...I'm sure I'll think of other things as we go along!

I left a relationship of 2.5 years. It was hard. But I felt unappreciated and wasn't happy in it.

Leave Op - there doesn't need to be a big falling out. Start saying no first of all. Especially to her daughter being over every day- sign your dd up for a new club etc so you're not avaliable.

Take longer to answer her calls. say no to met ups.

My DC don't need me for clubs etc. She knows my lifestyle. She knows I'm available.

Currently having issues re tonight. I told her last week I had plans.

God idea re sorting finances out first. I know that's a selfish way of looking at it, but I do need the money.

I think anything needs to be done slowly, if not to try and salvage the friendship, but for the sake of DD. If I call SS, there will be a massive fallout. I need to get everything right to create the least problems.

Currently having issues re tonight. I told her last week I had plans.

So what exactly is your childcare arrangement with her? You have her dd every evening but if you can't she has to arrange alternative childcare?

What does she do if you are ill, or would do?

I collect DD from school clubs. I finish work an hour earlier than her and my journey time is an hour less. Take her to mine and feed, bath, sometimes bed. For BF to collect adds an hour to their journey and DD gets home more like 7 than 5.

I'm off this week and planned last week to meet a friend tonight. She knows this.

I actually don't think I've been ill while DD has been alive lol.

So you firmly tell her that you need her to collect dd at whatever time suits you this evening and if she doesn't that you will be contacting SS tomorrow as this arrangement is no longer viable. Stand up for yourself because she's just taking the piss.

I said the same last night. I had planned to paint all day and knew I wouldn't feel like going out to do the school run. I told her last week I wanted to be able to be free on my week off.

I got begging texts all day because of the weather and her bad day etc and that she would come for tea and have a cosy evening with us.

I collected DD and made tea. I was met with "I came here for pie not pasta, why am I here for this?" She sat on her phone, told me off when I told her she was being rude, and I ended up telling her to go home.

Drum. She wasn't even available when dad bought DD home from contact at the weekend. He ended up bringing her to me as neither of us could get a response from her.

I know she won't respect me seeing my friend tonight so I'm not giving in. I gave her plenty of notice.

OP this sounds toxic, you really need to cut her out for now. It doesn’t have to be forever but there needs to be a gap where she learns not to depend on you and to do things for herself.

Then, a year or so down the line when she’s hopefully got things back on track and can see the wood for the trees again, I would hope she would see how badly she treated you and would come and apologise, otherwise you could reach out to see how she is and if she’s changed, or you might just realise that actually you’re better off without her in your life.

The current dynamic is really unhealthy - for you, for her and for all the kids involved. Please put a stop to this now, for their sake if not for your own. She is NOT your responsibility.

I feel so sorry for that little girl - her Mum doesn't care about her and that's obvious.

I really think this friend is quite nasty but also a vulnerable adult who should not be solely responsible for a child.

By this arrangement nothing will change. This friend will stay the same because what will motivate her to change? If she gets what she wants she has no motivation to be nicer.

You shouldn't have to baby her and tell her when she's being rude - she should just give you respect.

I think you should tell SS the whole truth and tell them if you aren't there she doesn't look after her daughter. Tell them that you're willing to foster her so she can get the best of life.

Because you're the only good thing in her life.

OP, understand you don't want to be drastic and have very legitimate concerns about your friend's child. But I honestly don't think little steps are going to work. You have to remove the opportunity for her to take the piss.

Don't cook for her, cook for her child before she arrives

If she isn't around to take in her DD when dad wants to drop off, then tough that's the dad's issue.

Keep a record of every time she breaks an agreement and risks leaving her DD unattended if you don't swoop in. Take it to SS.

If you truly care about her as a friend then stop enabling and give her the kick she needs to sort her life out. She doesn't deserve your kind heart and it certainly sounds like her DD deserves better.

Oh what a lovely thing to say. I think that's why I've allowed it so long. I know how much I love her and I want her to feel cared for. And I worry about the fallout SS would cause. I don't think BF would allow me to foster.

How can you be friends with someone who neglects her child? How can you even LIKE her?

Because I remember the good days and I know she's not well.

DD doesn't like contact. Father wouldn't have more than the order due to work and other family. He isn't allowed at the school. When they stood on my doorstep there is nothing in me that could have sent that poor child away.

What a headfuck of a situation.

You are doing this for love of a child. If you start there and work outwards it may change your approach. I can't say I wouldn't have done the same in your shoes.

Start with SS, insist things must change, she needs help other than you, she is not being truthful about how bad it is at home. Help.

See if she can take out credit to repay the debt. Explain that you are in deep shit financially and need her help.

Work on the boundaries. The kid's wellbeing matters so feed her only. Stop doing anything for the grown up who needs to learn how to do things for herself. You can do this without confrontation, if collection time is in time for dinner then move dinner to an earlier time and have a fed coat wearing kid by the door ready to go home with her mother. Reply to requests to gatecrash your family time that you can't tonight sorry. No explanation needed.

Consider having the kid full time if it comes down to the wire, could you manage? There is every chance once you stop helping the mother she will spend even less time parenting, maybe even spiral working out how to do anything without you, and you may feel no option but to pick up the slack for fear of harm. If this is inevitable you could head things off and accept you have another child.

Hopefully she will get the help she needs and stop being a jackass but without a crystal ball you seem to be all that kid has.

Look after yourself, start saying no to her, you are not her maid or nanny. She is using you, and needs proper support if she has MH problems.

I would absolutely bring up her daughter if that's what it came to. Not an issue.

The issue with your scenario is that I would often be sending the girl home to a house with no gas and sometimes no electricity, no food and no attention. That's why I'm happy for her to stay until bedtime. That's why my head is fucked!

This is getting a bit "cancel the cheque" but I also think you need you need to talk to SS directly and tell them everything that you've told us here about how much you do and your willingness to care for DD without the involvement of her mum. I know you are worried about the fallout but honestly it's up to them to make sure the DD is cared for, not you, unless you are officially made her foster carer. This is for the good of your friend and her DD, think of it that way.

You are a pearl among women to have done all this for her and her DD and I hope she realises one day how badly she is treating you. But she probably won't, and it's best to try and start making your peace with that, mourning the friendship that once was, and do everything in your power to start disengaging and get DD onto SS's radar.

"You are a pearl among women to have done all this for her and her DD and I hope she realises one day how badly she is treating you. But she probably won't, and it's best to try and start making your peace with that, mourning the friendship that once was, and do everything in your power to start disengaging and get DD onto SS's radar."

I think you've found my issues - finding peace with all this.

I just want to make sure her DD knows she is loved, rather than suddenly abandoned.

Even if the worst comes to the worst and your friend cuts you off, you will always be able to write to the DD, send her presents, etc. Even if you keep in contact with the father or grandparents you can stay in touch with the DD. If that happens I bet you anything she will come looking for you in years to come and when she is older she can make that choice if she wants to. She will know who was responsible if she is cut off from you.

But SS and school need to know everything. At the moment they are labouring under the apprehension that all is well, the house is tidy, DD's attendance has improved and you and the mum are friends. You need to indicate that that's all due to you, not her, and you're not willing to do it anymore unless you are a foster parent - but conversely, you are completely willing to take on that role if that's in the DD's best interests.

MISapprehension, that should say!

Making your peace with the ending of the friendship will be harder. It will be a lot like breaking up with an abusive partner - how do you reconcile yourself to the loss of the wonderful person they were at the start, or before they got ill, or before they became an alcoholic, or whatever. What you're really doing is mourning the loss of the future you imagined where you and that person are still friends (or lovers, in the case of an abusive partner). You need to write down all the bad things that she does - the language, disrespect, taking you for granted, mistreatment of her DD. Remember that this is who they are now, not the person who was such fun and a good friend before. You can remember them with fondness while protecting yourself from this new person and their behaviour. Build up your self-esteem, value yourself, your gifts and talents and your caring heart, and you will realise that you deserve better than the way she is treating you now.

I have read your comments and also think that you are enabling your friend in not sorting help for herself. If I were you I would insist on becoming foster care for that little girl because she needs stability. Once you have that sorted then SS have to provide help for your friend to became well again. She won't gett better if you carry on with current arrangement. Tough love and a sensible care plan. Maybe your friend will never be able to care for her dd, this is the unknown part of the future.
Addiction to social media (if that is what she suffers from) is curable. Is she using your wi-fi? Change that password today.