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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School using dd to help support sen children

293 replies

Jammiebammie · 21/01/2019 16:01

Rubbish title sorry, couldn’t think what else to put. I don’t think iabu but would really appreciate some input.

Bit of background, dd2 (11) is in p7 and has an anxiety disorder, she sees cahms for this. She also has cfs and does struggle a bit some times. Youngest dd is disabled and although sad to admit, it does impact on dd2s anxiety quite a lot and we are working hard to help her deal with this.

At school, dd is a great student and we’ve never had any issues with her in that respect. Shes a house captain, always has good work and is often called upon to help teachers etc.
Dd has been on the receiving end of bullying which took forever to sort with the school, but it has improved this last year.
I have had many meetings with the school for dds health and well-being, she sometimes needs to take herself off for ‘cool off times’ where she has been stressed, or finding things too difficult (we had issues with her self harming which was heartbreaking, but she seems so deal with really well atm)

Sorry for long post there, but didn’t want to drip feed.

Before Xmas, dd was asked to look after a little girl in p1 who has additional needs. This was at break and lunch times for the period of a week. Dd found this very difficult, she had to sit with her girl and make sure she ate lunch, didn’t scream and a few other things. I wasn’t happy about this as dd seemed so stressed about it, but she begged me not to phone the school, as it only lasted a week and the school holidays were looming I did respect her wishes and I just let it go.

Today she comes home in tears and has told me for the last week she has been given a little boy within additional needs to look after. This has been since last week and they want her to do it for another 2 weeks, every single break and lunch time. She has been told to tell him not to kick and hit people and to be on alert for his behaviour. He was hitting her today and spitting in her face and she has to just ‘deal with it’. She has to feed him lunch and took him to the toilet too.
She was told that there weren’t enough support teachers to help, and as a house captain she has a responsibility to help the school.
To say I am fuming is an understatement! She doesn’t want me to phone but I will tomorrow, I can’t believe they have put this on a child who needs extra support at home, and dealing with a disabled sibling this is the last thing she needs. It’s also not fair on the children who she has been asked to watch, their needs aren’t being met, dd isn’t trained to deal with any of these issues and it is so wrong and lazy of the school to ask student to take this on (I suspect there are other p7s looking after younger children but I haven’t confirmed this with dd).

Is it even legal for the school to do this? If it was my younger dd being looked after by another student and not her support teacher I think I would be just as mad, but the fact they are well aware of dd2s struggles and have plans in place for when she is overwhelmed, I just can’t beleive this.

Any ideas of how I can speak to the school to rectify this? Any legislations I can quote? I obviously won’t go in all guns blazing and will get proper facts from the school first, but surely this can’t be acceptable.

Sorry this is so long, well done if you got this far!

OP posts:

jacomax · 21/01/2019 16:03

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TeenTimesTwo · 21/01/2019 16:07

I think if this was occasional, like 1 session a week, this could be OK. The school could sell it as helping develop leadership, responsibility etc.

But not every break/lunch for a week or more.

I think I would start by approaching the school, checking you have it correct, and saying you do not want your DD to do this

too many sessions
too much responsibility
sibling at home, needs to not have caring responsibilities at school too
DD1 anxious and it isn't being positive for her

I wouldn't get cross or quote legislation on a first meeting.

FuckOffMeadowSoprano · 21/01/2019 16:08

That is absolutely outrageous and of course you should complain to the school.

babydreamer1 · 21/01/2019 16:09

I don't know anything about legislation but I don't think it matters tbh. Just go in and tell them that your daughter will no longer be assisting any other children as it's not her job, and most importantly she doesn't want to. Tell her if they ask her to, she is to politely say no, go and enjoy her break and ask them to call you if there is a problem. Reiterate that she won't get in trouble for refusing as you will sort it out.

jacomax · 21/01/2019 16:11

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Returnofthesmileybar · 21/01/2019 16:13

No ducking way is this right. You don't even need legislation just go in and tell them it never ever happens again and it doesn't effect her as house captain either. It's completely unfair for a child to miss out on any breaks to mind other kids, fuck that! Not even once a week, I wouldn't give a shiney shit what way they sold it!

Original poster

Jammiebammie · 21/01/2019 16:13

Thank you for replies, I think dd doesn’t want to say no as she is worried about getting into trouble, she honestly wouldn’t say boo to a goose and certainly wouldn’t tell a teacher if she isn’t happy about something.

I agree once a week would be acceptable, but not in the way this has been done.

I certainly won’t get angry when I contact the school, but I will let them know I’m unhappy about this arrangement. Ok, I won’t quote any legislation while I’m there, but I really am interested to hear their reasonings for this.

OP posts:

strawberriesandsugar · 21/01/2019 16:15

Ffs that is a lot for a grown qualified adult. Let alone a child.
You must contact the school. This is awful

jacomax · 21/01/2019 16:16

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MarchionessOfMayhem · 21/01/2019 16:18

I was your daughter. It isn’t a nice situation to be in and must be worse for a child with anxiety. Please speak to the school and get this sorted out ASAP. I’m sure this would break safeguarding rules if nothing else.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/01/2019 16:21

This seems extreme.
At dds school they have a 'buddy' system where a y5 is paired with a reception child to 'look after.' Dd (y5) absolutely loves it, loves the responsibility, it seems to be win win.
Could that be what the school is aiming for?

Original poster

Jammiebammie · 21/01/2019 16:22

jacomax she said she got her lunch with the boy, but didn’t have time to eat it as he kept running off! I didn’t even think to ask if she managed to get to the toilet herself. This is honestly ridiculous, isn’t it.

OP posts:

chillpizza · 21/01/2019 16:22

Wow! The school are using her as a staff member. She’s missing her lunch and break to get spat at! That’s wrong on so many levels and no offence meant but knowing that she has a disabled younger sibling at home they should be giving her extra support not making her look after disabled children so she again no offence never gets a break.

Original poster

Jammiebammie · 21/01/2019 16:24

arethereanyleft the school do have a buddy system, and they have a couple of monitors picked each week, and a ‘worry’ bench where children could sit if they have no friends at playtime or are worried about something, and the monitors go and help. That is actually quite a good system, but this is something completely different, and both children dd has dealt with during this time have had quite severe behavioural problems.

OP posts:

Returnofthesmileybar · 21/01/2019 16:24

Wouldn't say boo to a goose
Precisely the reason she was chosen I suspect

mummyhaschangedhername · 21/01/2019 16:25

I think like other have said once a week Maybe is skills building. However, she is being asked to manage behaviour of children who are clearly aggressive. School have a duty of care to protect your daughter and she has been assaulted (spat at) by a child and told to deal with it. That's not acceptable at all. But everyday makes it even more shocking. You need to put it in writing so that if they don't respond the way you like you can take it higher.

April2020mom · 21/01/2019 16:25

Time to complain. I recommend talking with the school. Personally I think that you should definitely ask what they aim to achieve by doing this?

Original poster

Jammiebammie · 21/01/2019 16:26

chillpizza no offence taken, that’s one of my main issues, my disabled dd attends the school too (she’s off currently after having another big op) but they know how much care she needs and how much it affects dd2.

OP posts:

jacomax · 21/01/2019 16:26

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chillpizza · 21/01/2019 16:28

Could she be classed as a young career herself? Might be some legislation within that about how the school is mean to help her which would be the complete opposite of what they are doing.

mummyhaschangedhername · 21/01/2019 16:28

I will add our school have a buddy system, that seems to work well. The children volunteer for it and will do occasional play ground duties. They sometimes help out at events they PTA run and we always reward them for that (free popcorn or something), but we would never expect them to manage behaviour.

I have two children myself with additional needs, I would be horrified if I found out a child has been put in to manage their behaviour.

jacomax · 21/01/2019 16:28

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MrsJayy · 21/01/2019 16:30

Does the school run a buddy system primary 7s go and help out with P1s?
It could be something along those lines clearly your Dd is struggiing with it you need to contact the school to tell them what your Dd said.

Waveysnail · 21/01/2019 16:30

Tell the school that your dd will not be doing this type of duty from now on and tell dd your taking this decision out of her hands as you don't want her doing this. A and I speak as a mum of kids with additional needs - I would be horrified to find p7 is being made to do this

DishingOutDone · 21/01/2019 16:31

I really am interested to hear their reasonings for this - well, because they can.

There was that documentary before Christmas, "School" on BBC2 where the cuts in SEN provision were examined (albeit secondary schools) and the teacher said one of the ways she coped was by sitting children who needed extra support (that was not funded) next to an NT child, and getting that child to provide the support. This is pretty standard practice in secondary schools and I've seen it go wrong but parents are often reluctant to mention it as they feel sorry for the child without the support they need.

Course if everyone actually complained rather than just hearing their reasoning, and maybe if people wrote to their MPs about funding in schools, which would support schools in general ...?

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