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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

School using dd to help support sen children

293 replies

Jammiebammie · 21/01/2019 16:01

Rubbish title sorry, couldn’t think what else to put. I don’t think iabu but would really appreciate some input.

Bit of background, dd2 (11) is in p7 and has an anxiety disorder, she sees cahms for this. She also has cfs and does struggle a bit some times. Youngest dd is disabled and although sad to admit, it does impact on dd2s anxiety quite a lot and we are working hard to help her deal with this.

At school, dd is a great student and we’ve never had any issues with her in that respect. Shes a house captain, always has good work and is often called upon to help teachers etc.
Dd has been on the receiving end of bullying which took forever to sort with the school, but it has improved this last year.
I have had many meetings with the school for dds health and well-being, she sometimes needs to take herself off for ‘cool off times’ where she has been stressed, or finding things too difficult (we had issues with her self harming which was heartbreaking, but she seems so deal with really well atm)

Sorry for long post there, but didn’t want to drip feed.

Before Xmas, dd was asked to look after a little girl in p1 who has additional needs. This was at break and lunch times for the period of a week. Dd found this very difficult, she had to sit with her girl and make sure she ate lunch, didn’t scream and a few other things. I wasn’t happy about this as dd seemed so stressed about it, but she begged me not to phone the school, as it only lasted a week and the school holidays were looming I did respect her wishes and I just let it go.

Today she comes home in tears and has told me for the last week she has been given a little boy within additional needs to look after. This has been since last week and they want her to do it for another 2 weeks, every single break and lunch time. She has been told to tell him not to kick and hit people and to be on alert for his behaviour. He was hitting her today and spitting in her face and she has to just ‘deal with it’. She has to feed him lunch and took him to the toilet too.
She was told that there weren’t enough support teachers to help, and as a house captain she has a responsibility to help the school.
To say I am fuming is an understatement! She doesn’t want me to phone but I will tomorrow, I can’t believe they have put this on a child who needs extra support at home, and dealing with a disabled sibling this is the last thing she needs. It’s also not fair on the children who she has been asked to watch, their needs aren’t being met, dd isn’t trained to deal with any of these issues and it is so wrong and lazy of the school to ask student to take this on (I suspect there are other p7s looking after younger children but I haven’t confirmed this with dd).

Is it even legal for the school to do this? If it was my younger dd being looked after by another student and not her support teacher I think I would be just as mad, but the fact they are well aware of dd2s struggles and have plans in place for when she is overwhelmed, I just can’t beleive this.

Any ideas of how I can speak to the school to rectify this? Any legislations I can quote? I obviously won’t go in all guns blazing and will get proper facts from the school first, but surely this can’t be acceptable.

Sorry this is so long, well done if you got this far!

OP posts:
Binglebong · 03/02/2019 10:59

Buck passing is never good but there is no way the senco could have signed off on this alone. The leadership team is part of this.

If you're worried about this woman getting blamed then as you see her with dd2 just mention it. "I'm sorry you got shoved under the bus with this. I dont think for a moment your suggestion was for anything other than a buddy system and someone took over and ran with it. You know the challenges with these kids better than anyone so you're the last person who would leave helping them with other children!

Thanks again for all you do with dd2, it is appreciated".
Keep it light, let her know you dont think it was and that someone higher up HAD to have signed off on it. It will make working with her tor dd2 easier. If she really was responsible then you've got it out of the way easily. If she wasnt then she should know she's being used as a scapegoat and that you at least dont believe it.

Sorry garbled but hopefully understandable!

Jammiebammie · 03/02/2019 12:04

Thanks so much everyone.

I was feeling so down about this all but you’re right, they’ve stopped it now and they are looking in to it and there’s nothing more I can do.

It’s so interesting to hear from teachers too, and how the school were so wrong here, or at the very least went about it the completely wrong way. I was never asked permission for dd to do it, so I highly doubt permission had been asked of any of the smaller kids parents.
I don’t know the boy or his family so I wouldn’t be able to have a chat with them myself (there’s 4 p1 classes anyway) but I really hope that the school deal with this appropriately.
Do you think it would be out of the realms of possibility, if I ask the depute to include in one of the newsletter emails that it was an oversite on their part, an apology of sorts? That way parents would be aware that this had been going on? I’m probably over thinking now.

I like bingles suggestion of saying that to the senco, I know if she started this then it would have come from a good place. I never thought of replying that she’d need the ok from higher up too.

Feeling calmer about tomorrow already, and thanks for well wishes for me and dds - you’re all bloody brilliant Flowers

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/02/2019 12:45

They will never put it in the newsletter! That’d be admitting what they did was wrong, they wouldn’t shoot themselves in the foot like that.

TheMaddHugger · 03/02/2019 12:53

can you perhaps post it on a school facebook page ?

🌸🌼🌺

Tjzmummabear · 03/02/2019 13:43

Hi as a qualified teacher that's not on. Op if she is getting spat at that is a health risk. Hiv and Hepatitis is in saliva. If it was my daughter shed be pulled out of that school and is be sending a solicitors letter. What you describe isn't a buddy system

mummyhaschangedhername · 03/02/2019 15:22

It would be unlikely the school would be happy to print it out like that. Depending on the investigation it may need to be kept close to the chest right now.

It does seem unprofessional to blame everyone on one person though, but perhaps this person did take it upon themselves to do this. However, I guess my biggest issue would be the consistent failures after you raised the concerns. 1. You put a note to the teacher 2. You repeatedly spoke to the office 3. The amount of time and "sessions" that have happened since you raised your concerns.

Yes things like this could have been down to the the SEN coordinator and are very misguided. But it's the poor process from there out that escalated this. I think that's what my issue would be.

Mudmonster · 03/02/2019 15:34

@Tjzmummabear HIV is absolutely NOT spread through saliva at all.

LannieDuck · 03/02/2019 15:50

Wow, glad this has got sorted.

I agree with all those upthread who pointed out it was only girls who had been asked to do it, and all the problems of women failing to progress in the workplace because they're too involved in less-glamorous tasks. And of it (almost) always being women expected to pick up the caring duties.

It's all connected, isn't it? How on earth do we let it happen even at school? If all P7 are asked, then it should be boys and girls. If all the monitors are asked, it should be boys and girls. At least then boys could be paired with boys and go into the right toilets with their mentees!

Regardless of gender politics, glad you got it sorted. And hope your other child is better now.

CokeAndCrispsAndDip · 04/02/2019 18:21

How did today go OP?

Tjzmummabear · 06/02/2019 20:59

Erm hiv is present in saliva as is hepatitis

Tjzmummabear · 06/02/2019 21:01

It won't transmit hiv

HIVpos · 06/02/2019 21:22

@Tjzmummabear you said
Hi as a qualified teacher that's not on. Op if she is getting spat at that is a health risk. Hiv and Hepatitis is in saliva .

You are inferring here that HIV and hepatitis can be both transmitted by spitting. As a teacher you should know not to make inferences that are untrue. So why mention this at all?

Whilst it might be true that the HIV virus might be present in someone who is HIV positive (who is not on medication) - even with a high viral load, saliva, due to its enzymes, renders it unable to infect anyone.

As for hepatitis...well it’s not my speciality so I’ll let you DYOR, but here are ways that hepatis is transmitted:

Hepatitis A is transmitted by contaminated food and water and is thus fecal-oral. Fecal-oral means that feces has somehow contaminated a food or water source. Fecal-oral transmission is more common in developing countries and rare in developed nations like the United States and Western Europe.
Hepatitis B is transmitted by blood, needles, and sex. Hepatitis B can also be passed along during delivery from a mother to her newborn.
Hepatitis C is transmitted by needles and blood.
Hepatitis D can only be transmitted to a person who already has hepatitis B. Hepatitis D is transmitted by blood, needles, and sex. Hepatitis D can also be transmitted during delivery from a mother to her newborn.
Hepatitis E is transmitted by means of contaminated water. Like hepatitis A, hepatitis E is fecal-oral.

MrMeSeeks · 06/02/2019 21:49

It won't transmit hiv

But that’s what you inferred Confused does not help the confusion and myths around HIV

TheMaddHugger · 11/02/2019 07:02

@Jammiebammie

How are you and the family and DD ?🌺🌼🌸

TheMaddHugger · 15/02/2019 08:22

(((((((((((Hugs))))))))💐🌸🌺💐🌻💐

Jammiebammie · 16/02/2019 11:58

Thank you @TheMaddHugger Flowers

The school have actually been good since, both dd and I have received apology letters from the head teacher, and they have completely shut down this ‘programme’. I spoke to the senco (who I previously said was lovely) and she was upset that it had affected dd so much, but she’s not been used as a scapegoat thankfully and the school have definitely taken responsibility which I’m really glad about. Dd has been a lot happier too.

Littlest dd isn’t doing great but we’re going to try and do a phased return to school with her next week, onwards and upwards Star

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 16/02/2019 12:14

Very relieved to see this update. 🌻💛Star

KarineAimee · 16/02/2019 12:40

So glad the school have been so reasonable. Thank you for the update.

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