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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School using dd to help support sen children

293 replies

Jammiebammie · 21/01/2019 16:01

Rubbish title sorry, couldn’t think what else to put. I don’t think iabu but would really appreciate some input.

Bit of background, dd2 (11) is in p7 and has an anxiety disorder, she sees cahms for this. She also has cfs and does struggle a bit some times. Youngest dd is disabled and although sad to admit, it does impact on dd2s anxiety quite a lot and we are working hard to help her deal with this.

At school, dd is a great student and we’ve never had any issues with her in that respect. Shes a house captain, always has good work and is often called upon to help teachers etc.
Dd has been on the receiving end of bullying which took forever to sort with the school, but it has improved this last year.
I have had many meetings with the school for dds health and well-being, she sometimes needs to take herself off for ‘cool off times’ where she has been stressed, or finding things too difficult (we had issues with her self harming which was heartbreaking, but she seems so deal with really well atm)

Sorry for long post there, but didn’t want to drip feed.

Before Xmas, dd was asked to look after a little girl in p1 who has additional needs. This was at break and lunch times for the period of a week. Dd found this very difficult, she had to sit with her girl and make sure she ate lunch, didn’t scream and a few other things. I wasn’t happy about this as dd seemed so stressed about it, but she begged me not to phone the school, as it only lasted a week and the school holidays were looming I did respect her wishes and I just let it go.

Today she comes home in tears and has told me for the last week she has been given a little boy within additional needs to look after. This has been since last week and they want her to do it for another 2 weeks, every single break and lunch time. She has been told to tell him not to kick and hit people and to be on alert for his behaviour. He was hitting her today and spitting in her face and she has to just ‘deal with it’. She has to feed him lunch and took him to the toilet too.
She was told that there weren’t enough support teachers to help, and as a house captain she has a responsibility to help the school.
To say I am fuming is an understatement! She doesn’t want me to phone but I will tomorrow, I can’t believe they have put this on a child who needs extra support at home, and dealing with a disabled sibling this is the last thing she needs. It’s also not fair on the children who she has been asked to watch, their needs aren’t being met, dd isn’t trained to deal with any of these issues and it is so wrong and lazy of the school to ask student to take this on (I suspect there are other p7s looking after younger children but I haven’t confirmed this with dd).

Is it even legal for the school to do this? If it was my younger dd being looked after by another student and not her support teacher I think I would be just as mad, but the fact they are well aware of dd2s struggles and have plans in place for when she is overwhelmed, I just can’t beleive this.

Any ideas of how I can speak to the school to rectify this? Any legislations I can quote? I obviously won’t go in all guns blazing and will get proper facts from the school first, but surely this can’t be acceptable.

Sorry this is so long, well done if you got this far!

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 21/01/2019 16:31

Email the school and ask how much they intend to pay their new 11 year old teaching assistant.

MrsJayy · 21/01/2019 16:31

Oh xposted with a somebody else.

abbsisspartacus · 21/01/2019 16:32

She has to help him use the toilet? How old is she ?

Sirzy · 21/01/2019 16:34

Ds is autistic and requires support throughout dinner (and the rest of the school day) I would be fuming if I thought another child was being used to do this. It’s not fair on either party.

LayTheTableMabel · 21/01/2019 16:34

This is so wrong. I work as a 1:1 with children with SEN in a mainstream school and whilst we have a buddy system for the children I work with we make sure that the children buddying the child with SEN never do it for more than a day at a time (even if they want to) because they need to be carefree and not feel responsibility... Also there is always adult supervision. So if I have SEN kids for lunch, they may have friends join them but I am there until another adult comes so I can go for my lunch. It sounds like your dd is being used for lunch cover 😒

crimsonlake · 21/01/2019 16:34

I can see why you are not happy with this but I think there is another reason behind why the school has done this. She likes to help, they have given her jobs in the past ( this is often used by teachers to keep pupils on task in the class/ make them feel important and motivated ) and she needs time outside of class for cooling off. I think they have given her this responsibility to keep her busy out of class times. Does she normally enjoy playing with a group of friends during this time , does she mix well with her peers?

Paperdolly · 21/01/2019 16:34

There’s giving the experience of ‘buddying’ and taking advantage when you’re short staffed/lazy. This is the latter and could be a serious breach of school responsibility for health and safety for either child.

3out · 21/01/2019 16:34

If I was the mother of the child your DD is supervising I’d be fairly miffed, too.

Our school does assign P7s as buddies to the P1s, but it’s not a 1:1, and they wouldn’t feed and toilet children, and there’s always a playground monitor (staff member) at break time. Also, I know that classmates have been very astute as to when our DD is becoming stressed (ASD) and will give her a rub on the shoulder at the very earliest signs, but this is friendship and not an assigned role, unlike the situation with your DD

Original poster
Jammiebammie · 21/01/2019 16:35

Oh my god this is getting worse, I’ve just asked dd if she managed to go to the toilet (thanks jaco) and she said she couldn’t leave the boy to go, and she couldn’t take him in the girls toilets. She asked to go after lunch and the teacher told her she should have gone at lunchtime..so dd sat back down.
I think ive actually got steam coming out of my ears, going to be hard keeping my composure tomorrow, I’ll be honest!
I’m writing everything down now so I don’t forget anything.

OP posts:
Fr3d · 21/01/2019 16:35

Your poor child. That is crazy.

Dd' s class take it in turns to play with the SEN boy in her class but it's shared out so maybe once a fortnight and the kids all still get their breaks etc

DishingOutDone · 21/01/2019 16:36

I think they have given her this responsibility to keep her busy out of class times - yeah, stop her stuffing her face with lunch and going for a wee eh? Hmm

Sirzy · 21/01/2019 16:37

Dd' s class take it in turns to play with the SEN boy in her class but it's shared out so maybe once a fortnight and the kids all still get their breaks etc

And even that is horrible. Basically turns that poor child into someone others are being forced to play with and some sort of item for a rota

mummyhaschangedhername · 21/01/2019 16:37

Playing with a child and managing another children behaviour are completely different things though. She isn't being a buddy she's been a TA.

Fr3d · 21/01/2019 16:37

Try and calm down! Step back. Ask when is she to eat her lunch/play/Toilet etc? Good idea to write it down. Try and keep calm, keep the upper hand

PinkGin24 · 21/01/2019 16:38

Absolubtly NOT OK whatsoever!? I would be fuming! It is not your daughters job to keep an eye on any children let alone ones with SEN.

A simple 'my daughter is no longer babysitting other pupils, please no longer ask her to'

Fr3d · 21/01/2019 16:38

Sirzy, DD loves it, it's like an extra break. But yes, it could be bad in some situations. And he has a ft TA

Original poster
Jammiebammie · 21/01/2019 16:39

She’s done buddying before (nursery children moving up to p1) to help settle in, but all of p7s did that and it was one or two lunchtimes in total, and more of a ‘friend’ thing and the p7s were given movie time as a reward.

Dd has a good group of friends at school, fits in well with everyone and teachers all seem to like her, I can’t see this as being a support to her at all, quite the opposite.

OP posts:
jacomax · 21/01/2019 16:40

This reply has been deleted

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ReaganSomerset · 21/01/2019 16:41

Complain above the head too, go straight to the top. Totally unacceptable.

GoldenSyrupLion · 21/01/2019 16:41

Jesus H Christ, that's outrageous. Tell them your DD is to do NONE of this, EVER.

PanamaPattie · 21/01/2019 16:41

This is not acceptable - even once a week is too much. I hope you sort this issue out. The school are taking the piss.

RCohle · 21/01/2019 16:41

Good luck tomorrow OP, I would be fuming in your shoes. That is far too much for any child, let alone one in your daughter's situation.

YeahSorryBoutThat · 21/01/2019 16:43

This child is NOT your daughters responsibility- he is the schools and they are letting him down badly, as well as your poor dd. They are failing. in their duty of care to both, IMO.

I don't have any specific advice, but good luck. Is the toileting issue perhaps a safeguarding one? (I have no idea, just throwing it out!) Why should your dd have to go into the boys toilets?

MrsJayy · 21/01/2019 16:43

You are probably right this is upsetting and stressing her out tell them that ask them what is going on.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 21/01/2019 16:43

You need to send an email tonight, so it's all down in writing. Then go in tomorrow or call in the morning to request a meeting asap. Refer them to the email and ask for an initial reply in writing which can then be discussed in person, again so it's all in writing. And don't give them an inch.