Friend doesn't realise being a SAHM is a privilege, or AIBU?

[notasahp]

Ok have name changed for this just in case I get flamed and this thread follows me around

I have a friend, let's call her A, and we both had our first DC around the same time (few months apart). I went back to work after 10 months because if I don't work bills and mortgage don't get paid. My DH works too but living in the South East we need two salaries to make things work.

A is married to a banker who makes really good money, enough for her to have the CHOICE whether to work or not. She's chosen to be a SAHM.

Problem is she complains to me all the time about how exhausted she is and doesn't realise actually what a privilege it is to be at home with your young children without worrying about money. If her DC has had a bad night sleep for example, she doesn't have to get up at 6am for work regardless the next day, she can take it easy at home and maybe even nap while her baby naps!

Does my friend not realise how lucky she is? Or am I just bitter and jealous?

I think this is very much a grass is greener type situation.
I am a sahm. Lucky enough to be so. But my youngest is disabled and has a degenerative disease so this is my life now and I assure you it isn't easy. It's hard work and it's bloody lonely but who else is betrer equipped to care for him than me

Do you realise how lucky you are to have a roof over your head? Steady salary? Husband? Child? Etc etc. Do you start conversation reiterating what you love about your life? Does saying your husband annoyed you today mean you are not grateful for him? Most are lucky to have blessings, we all have difficulties, she is confiding in you, she needs your support and empathy, not judgement. For what it's worth staying at home would be a prison sentence for me, not blessing, we are all different.

@PurpleDaisies

I doubt it. My job wasn't the sort of job that would have given them the adult conversation and alone time many SAHMs crave. But it worked at the time for us.

Having a choice is a privilege but it’s not always that much of a choice - I was sahm to my first but I’d have struggled to work as my dh at the time worked away a lot - plus I felt guilty as he was a high earner so we didn’t need the money and I felt I “should” stay at home. I struggled immensely and was very depressed as I felt I’d lost my identity and frankly I’m not a natural mum until children are older (think 3ish!).

In fact I found it so hard that I only agreed to dd2 with current dh if I could go back to work part time after maternity.

Having done both they’re both tough - everyone should be allowed a moan!

On balance staying at home was the right thing for me and my kids, and I do feel lucky that my dh earns enough that enables that. But at least once a week I wish I had been in a job that I loved enough, paid enough and was flexible enough to have made working the better option! Because I do know plenty of mums that work and have a good work life balance and I envy that.

What about sahm to multiple children. Doing the school run with a baby/toddler?
They still have to be up ready and out the door by a certain time then it’s the middle of the day and then back to somewhere again by a set time.

Sometimes it’s not really choice as such it can very easily become the case of working costing the family so that families are better off with one in work and one at home with tax credit top ups.

If you worked out minimum wage at 30hours a week then nursery costs for my local nursery which is cheap you wouldn’t earn enough to pay for a week for one child.

I'm a sahm with a 3yr old and a 7 month old. I'm exhausted. I don't stop all day. My dh gets home at 7pm and does bedtime with 3 yr old, I make our tea. Then get baby to sleep. If I'm lucky I might get to sit down for an hour in an evening. I don't get any time to my self. I have friends that work. I am sure they are also exhausted. It's called having young kids.
I get so sick of hearing how easy my life is. It isn't easy just different from working parents.

It maybe a privilege depending on your approach. I'm a SAHM, married to someone who earns just above minimum wage and works his behind off for that.

We made a choice that I would stay home and that has meant some sacrifices on the way. We don't do big overseas holidays, we holiday in the uk, I don't have miles of clothes, or fancy nails etc and neither of us drink or smoke. Our children are never short changed we are simply careful. Maybe we have lower expectations or just different ones.

There are days I would sell my soul and more to wee in peace, not share my lunch with an enthusiastic toddler and the dog and not talk about upsy blooming daisy.

Everyone has good days and bad. Every situation can bring it's own stresses and what seems like a breeze from your view at work maybe the very thing bringing a SAHM to the edge of her mental wellbeing and the same in reverse.
Everyones choices are unique to them.

I haven’t rtft but let her have a moan
It’s not always easy either way

I’m a sahm I hate it.

You are still allowed to complain if you are fortunate in some way.

Having said that, she sounds like a pain in the arse and very rude not to consider who she is talking to.

DH earns a lot (seven figures) and we have 4 young DC. Nobody can believe that I work (around 25-30hrs/wk): everyone assumes that I’m a SAHM.

Yes I could be. But that would destroy me. I’d be frustrated and bored. I need to work. I choose to work.

So for me, being a SAHM wouldn’t be a privilege at all. It’d be a punishment.

We’re all different. And it’s very easy to assume everyone else has it easy.

I think being a SAHM is a privilege...for my DH!!
With me at home he doesn’t have to start late/finish early to help with the school run. He doesn’t have to take days off if the DC are sick. He doesn’t have to get home from work and start thinking about what to have for dinner. He opens the wardrobe door in the morning and always finds clean shirts there.
I do all that as part of my job as a SAHM. It’s not the most intellectually exhausting of jobs but emotionally? By the end of the day I’m done!

Ok so varying opinions and I probably am BU. I just think that I'm doing just as much as she does plus holding down a job I.e. work all day then rush to nursery to pick up, still have to make dinner etc. I feel like I don't have any downtime.

I understand completely when the choice is taken away from you to stay at home or not like because of childcare costs but I think when you have the choice it's an absolute privilege that not a lot of mums these days have.

you need to think about whether you are really living the life you want to op, you can change the 2 salary SE rate race - it's not easy, but it's maybe worth thinking about if your life is making you sad and grumpy. I echo all the other people saying part of friendship is listening to the other person's moans with a good grace and suggesting help or just listening, if you can't do that without it eating you up then you're no longer friends.

Tbh this has been done to death.

Basically some women will find that being a SAHM is much easier than working. And others will find going to work full time easier than beinga SAHM.

Some women feel like they HAVE to be at home with their dcs (otherwise they aren’t a good mum, they are delagting parenting to someone else, the list goes in). So they do it even though they wouod prefer to be at work. This can be coming from scietal pressure or pressure from their DH.

Some women believe it’s essential to carry on working and have your financial independence. And wouod feel awful at the idea of have to depend on their DH for finances. So being a SAHM wouldn’t be a privilege at all.

What I can hear from you is that you wouod really have hoped to be at home and not have to work. And that’s an ok way to feel. Just dint put those feelings into your friend A because she night well have a very different ideals what is right fo her.

Of course, that even before looking at how her child is, the fact she will have EVERYTH8NG to do, incl all the nights when you are able to share the load with your DH etc ....

Can’t you both be allowed to be tired and find life challenging sometimes? It doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate what you have it just means sometimes life is hard whether you’re at home with your children or not

I work almost full time from home running my own business and also home educate my 10 year on on the days they are with me (the majority of the week). I am envious of both full time stay at home mums who don't have to worry about money, and full time workers who can crack on and do their job in peace.

I think we all make the best choice for our families. I'm a SAHM and like a previous poster this works for us although we have made lots of compromises to allow for this for a few years. I would like to think a friend wouldn't cast any judgements on me for this and allow me to have an occasional whinge. I would love to drive her fancy BMW SUV and be able to go shopping for new clothes every month but I can't. But that's fine and I'm very happy that she can buy nice things for herself.

If you are doing as much as she does, then more fool you.

Why isn’t your DH taking half of the work on HW, parenting, gett8ng up at night etc etc? You are bith working full time, you shouod be splitting everything else in half too.

But that has noth8ng to do with your friend, her being tired or not, maybe, enjoying being a SAHM as much as you THINK you wouod.

Being a SAHP cannot possibly be a privilege when some people are forced into it due to finances.

It's fine to wish you'd been able to make that choice.

I am sure she is grateful that she can, but fuck me I found my brief almost SAHM stint really hard going at times and yes I moaned including to mates who'd gone back to full time work (who had gone back to work sustain a far fancier lifestyle than my own).

It is quite possible that she is doing what she feel she ought because they are in a position in which they can live on one income.

It doesn't matter whether one is harder than the other or if you see sahm parenting as a privilege or not. Even people with perfect lives have the right to be tired or stressed and want to have a moan. I don't understand why she has to be respectful of your feelings. She is your friend. Shes finding things tough right now. Why shouldn't she speak to you about it?

When I went back to work after having 14 months off with DD1, I missed her like mad, but it was so much easier in so many ways! I could drink a cup of tea and go for a wee, I didn’t have someone demanding my attention all the time. I would have preferred to have stayed at home but It definitely wasn’t the easy option.

I’ve done both and both are hard in different ways. You won’t get far in your friendship if you can’t accept that she has as much right to a moan after a hard day as you do. I’m fortunate to have friends in different scenarios who all support each other. We don’t bitch about the full timer that it’s easy for her because she has money, we don’t moan that the part timer has the best of both worlds, we don’t say the SAHM has it easy... because we know that whatever path you have taken being a woman in 2019 is tough and we want to love and care for each other. Mums need to stick together!