Friend doesn't realise being a SAHM is a privilege, or AIBU?

[notasahp]

Ok have name changed for this just in case I get flamed and this thread follows me around

I have a friend, let's call her A, and we both had our first DC around the same time (few months apart). I went back to work after 10 months because if I don't work bills and mortgage don't get paid. My DH works too but living in the South East we need two salaries to make things work.

A is married to a banker who makes really good money, enough for her to have the CHOICE whether to work or not. She's chosen to be a SAHM.

Problem is she complains to me all the time about how exhausted she is and doesn't realise actually what a privilege it is to be at home with your young children without worrying about money. If her DC has had a bad night sleep for example, she doesn't have to get up at 6am for work regardless the next day, she can take it easy at home and maybe even nap while her baby naps!

Does my friend not realise how lucky she is? Or am I just bitter and jealous?

[IsItThatTimeAgain]

You have different children, this makes a world of difference. My friend and I have similar approaches to parenting and similar temperaments.

However I have a bottle fed baby with a very easy going temperament who loves to sleep. I honestly don't feel there's enough for me to do to justify staying home and my salary will help us get a bigger mortgage. It would be a joy though to stay at home with her.

My friend has a EBF baby who likes a good whinge and only likes to sleep 2 or 3 hours at a time. She can't wait to go back to work.

What kind of baby you have makes a world of difference in how difficult and exhausting you find it.

It's worth noting that I'm on a medication that causes exhaustion so I'm usually tired even when I've done very little. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sounds like your friend has at least 2 kids so that's a whole other ballgame.

[Cheeeeislifenow]

Second thread I have seen today designed to make women judge each other's choices and lifestyles is there something in the water?

[SweetheartNeckline]

She is using the word "exhausted" but she doesn't necessarily mean not getting enough sleep. It can mean fed up or mentally worn out or touched out or a bit run down. She is still allowed to find aspects of her choice (and who really knows how much of a free choice it is and what pressures there may have been from her family, in-laws or husband?) difficult and feel the loss of her former identity. She is allowed to have mixed feelings, too, or indeed to have tried SAHM-ing and be in the process of deciding it's not for her.

[MarshaBradyo]

You are not doing as much as she is plus more

You are doing x hours at work plus home time

Ok you probably have it a bit harder but there are pros and cons to each

[HolyBumoley]

I have done both. Having a job was shit because I wanted to be at home with the DC. However, having a job was also easy (relatively), in that I got to wee in peace and could eat a sandwich at my desk. It was a high-powered job, which I left because I was able to (thanks to DH). Being at home with small people is far, far harder work. I wouldn't change anything about it, though, and I very rarely moaned about the minutes that felt like years.

[DonCorleoneTheThird]

I just think that I'm doing just as much as she does plus holding down a job

Unless you are taking your baby to work with you, no, you are not doing as much because someone else is taking over the childcare.

You are privileged to be able to afford to work. Many women can't afford to, childcare + transport and no help means they would lose money if they were at work.

[Youmadorwhat]

As someone who was a sahm (out of choice) for 5 years AND as someone who has gone back to work for the last 6months I can honestly say 100% being a sahm is the most draining job I have ever done, I was so tired and emotionally drained it was horrid! Don’t get me wrong I LOVE my kids but it was CONSTANT. Now, I get to do a job (teach),talk to adults, have a break and a lunch in peace and collect my children at the end of it all ready for them with a fresh mind! 🙌🙌💕

[MarshaBradyo]

This thing of Wohms saying they are doing as much as a Sahm is and more is wrong

[Clarissaintheway]

I never understood why mothers can't go to the toilet on their own. I have 4DC and this has never been a problem.

Lock the door, firmly say 'go away i'm on the loo' repeat as necessary. Do not engage. They soon stop. If any of them call me now I just say 'on the loo' and they bugger off until I come out. No need to martyr yourself for the cause

[Yerroblemom1923]

For many it isn't really a choice. Go back to work and all your wage is eaten up on childcare expenses! I did some PT jobs while my dd was under 5, went self-employed once she'd stared school (so as to work around her school hours) and now she's 10, and more independent, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and increase my hours.

[Crazybunnylady123]

I’m a sahm. I was made redundant when I was pregnant. We manage on one salary. It’s hard we don’t get to go out much, no holidays and I can’t spoil myself in anyway. I miss being around people and working. But equally I’m bringing up my daughter so no child care costs. It’s temporary I’m hoping to get work when she’s older. We get by that’s our decision and it’s not an easy one. I love her very much but not working is a sacrifice. But a worthy one. I do often feel looked down on for not working.

[fruitbrewhaha]

You're right, it is a privileged, a privilege for her husband.

He probably works long hours so all the nursery drops offs and pick ups would fall on your friend if she wanted to work. What about if the child is too ill to go to nursery, banking can be pretty ruthless, if he is expected to be at his desk, there's no excuses, so again this falls on her. Is he expected to entertain clients, stay out late etc. He is very lucky to have someone at home who will shoulder the burden of house/childcare so he can concentrate on creating third world debt or whatever.

[User758172]

It’s not a competition. I’m a SAHM to 3 and I do everything house and child related. I am exhausted most of the time.

[CountFosco]

You might think she has the choice to stay at home but maybe she'd rather have maintained her career and independence and kept working. Maybe she feels vulnerable and bored and isolated and in a situation she never wanted to be in. You never know the full reality of her situation so cut her some slack.

[Ribbonsonabox]

YABU she is your friend? Surely your friend should be able to tell you if shes tired? And sahm do get tired whether or not they are in a better position than you. Do you think she should never complain about anything? Looking after kids is hard and draining. You may not feel it is as hard and draining as whatever it is you do but that doesn't mean it's a walk in the park. You dont sound like a very nice friend tbh.

[Drogosnextwife]

I would absolutely love to be a sahm and be able to live of dh salary, will never be possible though.

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

I think you might BU to assume it's a privilege or positive choice, without knowing all the facts.
There could be lots going on to make her feel like she doesn't really have a choice...and like anything, when your choice is taken away, it's easy to feel trapped and resentful. Maybe her job didn't pay enough to cover childcare so she feels it would be pointless to go to work to lose money? Maybe her husband works really long hours meaning she would have to do all drop offs and pick ups and night duty. Maybe he feels like because he is a high earner then the kids and house are her responsibility so he doesn't give her any help at all even on weekends and she is exhausted and fed up of doing her role without a break 24 / 7

If however she has a supportive husband and good childcare and could easily go back to work as many hours as she wanted in a career she loves, but is choosing to stay at home and then moan about it, then maybe you have a point

[SweetheartNeckline]

This thing of Wohms saying they are doing as much as a Sahm is and more is wrong
Agree - wrt most SAHP set ups I have come across it completely devalues childcare and is offensive to whoever is looking after the WOHP's child while they work. It is however true in certain circumstances such as if WOHP works while preschoolers are in bed, or strictly school hours only.

However I also think the cries of "I don't get a lunch break" (many WOHP work through there's to finish early for school runs) and "SAHP have snot wiped on them while they are getting dressed" (so do WOHP but they might have a meeting to go to or a tighter schedule to leave home) are silly.

[mindutopia]

No one should be chronically complaining about a life they’ve chosen, regardless of whether they are at home or not. Life is not meant to be lived in misery. Some people can’t afford to work. Some people can’t afford to stay at home. If you have a choice and you are so unhappy about that choice that you make a big show out of how unhappy you are, that’s not good.

I’ve both been at home and worked full time with small children. And I much prefer working, even when life is hard and I have a very long commute (currently commute 3 hours). It’s still a breath of fresh air to go to work. It’s not really a choice per se, but I would still choose it if it was. So I don’t make a big show of it.

[KiteMarked]

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Probably best to distance yourself from her if you are both comparing yourselves to each other and thinking you're coming up short.

[Pernickity1]

I was a SAHM since my first was born and just recently went back to work (DD1 is 2.5 and DD2 is 14 months). I can honestly say I find working so much easier than being at home. I know it won’t be that way for everyone but for me work is like a break. I have a stressful, deadline based job, but even so I still felt so much more stressed and exhausted as a SAHM so I think you are being a little unreasonable OP.

It can be mental torture being at home with young children, isolation and loneliness can also play a part in how draining it can be. Give your friend a break - she most likely knows she’s lucky to have the option and could be feeling guilty that she’s finding such a “privilege” so difficult.

[Cheekylittlenumber]

Having a SAHP isnt always a privalage. Well for us we could have chosen to have both of us work and live in an expensive area but we decided to move out so that one of us could be at home with the kids. It was a choice, but we live frugally to make it work.

My DH is unskilled so his salary wouldnt have covered childcare for our 2 DC, plus his hours are long and inflexible as are mine.

We’re lucky that in that pit choices work well for us, but I wouldn’t judge or compare as family who have both parents working- everyone has different circumstances and experiences.

[Ribbonsonabox]

I mean what if I was your friend and every time you complained 9f being tired I told you that right now in some places across the world there are girls who aren't in school because they have to walk 10 miles to get water for their family? If everytime you complained you were broke I told you there were people with the choice between starving or freezing because they couldn't afford both food and heating, here in the UK?
I mean technically I'd be right. But I'd also be an absolute bellend and a shit friend.

[Inertia]

Do you take your baby to work and simultaneously do your job AND feed, entertain and clean up/change your baby? Do you spend your working hours delving into the depths of the high chair to retrieve half chewed rice crackers whilst also conducting business with colleagues?

When you have pre-schoolers, looking after them and cleaning up after them generates work that somebody else does when your child is in childcare while you work.

[quizqueen]

You chose to live and work in the SE and you knew your bills were high before you made your decision to go ahead and have children. Don't complain about your choices. Years ago I chose to be a SAHM in the SE too. We didn't run two cars, we didn't have foreign holidays or any sort of lavish lifestyle, no SKY tv etc. We visited family in other parts of the country instead and were content with our lot in life because that is what we chose to do. Your friend has lots of money, good for her but it doesn't mean she has to be any happier than you..