Friend doesn't realise being a SAHM is a privilege, or AIBU?

[notasahp]

Ok have name changed for this just in case I get flamed and this thread follows me around

I have a friend, let's call her A, and we both had our first DC around the same time (few months apart). I went back to work after 10 months because if I don't work bills and mortgage don't get paid. My DH works too but living in the South East we need two salaries to make things work.

A is married to a banker who makes really good money, enough for her to have the CHOICE whether to work or not. She's chosen to be a SAHM.

Problem is she complains to me all the time about how exhausted she is and doesn't realise actually what a privilege it is to be at home with your young children without worrying about money. If her DC has had a bad night sleep for example, she doesn't have to get up at 6am for work regardless the next day, she can take it easy at home and maybe even nap while her baby naps!

Does my friend not realise how lucky she is? Or am I just bitter and jealous?

[Jaxtellerswife]

Being an adult is exhausting.
Whether you have children or not, work or not. Life can be knackering and it's better to listen to each other and know everyone finds whatever they have hard sometimes.
Sometimes we all need a rant

[BaconAndAvocado]

I was a SAHM until my DCs were 4 and 2 and I was more than ready to start phasing myself back into the world of work.

Was it a privilege? For me, yes. I felt extremely lucky to have those early years at home.

[tellmewhenthespaceshiplands]

Rosie I would like my daughter to follow the path that's right for her. Like many on here I started a family fairly late in life after working many years to get financially into a position where we could manage for me to be out of work for what's a relatively short space of time. When I stopped working I'd got pretty senior but the job would be totally incompatible with being a mum.

My DD knows this and knows mum used to have a job she loved and was good at. She knows I will also be going back to work (don't know what yet!) in the near future. At the same time she values how I support us in different ways being at home. As does DH.

I'm sorry if a similar path didn't work for you

[RomanyRoots]

Rosie

I had a good career and gave it up when I had dc.
I have no regrets at all, as it was right not only for the family but my mh.
My dh has supported us all this time and he's amazing.
I have loved being a sahm and the family have really benefited through our circumstances.
However, I'll openly admit to worrying that dd would be a sahm, so I guess I'm hugely hypocritical, but go easy it really was mh.
I want her to be happy whatever she decides but as hugely talented I'd feel she'd wasted her talent and opportunities. I wouldn't tell her this though obviously.
She talks about not having children or a partner, so who knows.

[RoseGoldEagle]

I work 3 days a week, we would be ok financially if I didn’t work, but I couldn’t be a full time SAHM. I love the days I have with DC but my days at work are definitely easier than days at home with a toddler.

[Worsethingshappen]

To be honest you do sound a bit jealous and bitter. I am a SAHM, though have also worked 80% of full time.
I definitely find it harder at home. Though to me being at home with my children means a lot so we would have downsized or moved elsewhere if we had to, so that I could stay at home. As it is we have made huge sacrifices with regards to my career and financially. We are always in debt, no savings, no holidays, infrequent new clothes etc.
I think you are being unreasonable.

[jessstan2]

Your friend is just tired, op, a lot of stay at home mums find it exhausting, they have more energy going out to work! Like you, I needed to work but I have to say I loved working, part time for quite a while and eventually full time. I enjoyed my time off at home more because I did work and I was definitely a livelier parent than I would have been otherwise.

Don't be jealous . Your friend will have her ups and downs at times being at home and you won't be boring.

[JungianMum]

It wasn't a privilege for me. I felt like earning enough to pay for childcare and still break even was the privilege because only then was it a choice. For me I was cornered in to sahm, or that's how I felt.

Now Im working (still can't afford childcare) but I feel luckier at last if not privileged.

[Notwhoyouthink35]

I agree with you. I’ve got 4 DC, always at least worked part-time. I would have loved to have been a SAHM and believe it is an absolute privilege.

[InfiniteVariety]

I was able to be a SAHM because my DH was a very high earner. My sister always made it very clear she resented it terribly - I put up with years of barbed comments from her and from our DM who also seemed to feel it was "unfair". It ruined my relationship with both of them. Don't let this happen to you with your friend

[Delatron]

If her husband works long hours I doubt it is a choice, more of a lesser of two evils.

Having been in a similar situation; a husband who works long hours and travels, trying to work full time with two small kids is a nightmare. Staying at home with two
small kids and sacrificing your career is also hard. She doesn’t sound like she loves it so don’t assume she feels like it’s a ‘privilege’

[InfiniteVariety]

Sorry I should have said that my sister worked and our DM provided her childcare

[soulfulsun]

Might find this interesting: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.popsugar.co.uk/parenting/Survey-Says-Staying-Home-Kids-Harder-Than-Working-45271408/amp

[StoppinBy]

Another one of these threads.... goodee! I bit my tongue on the last one but all this SAHM is a luxury crud is getting annoying!!

My husband was on a modest income (approx. $50,000au) and I was on modest to low income (approx. $30,000au) when we married, we lived on one income and put the rest in to our mortgage, we didn't go on expensive holidays and we drove cheap cars, we went without lots of things we would consider unneeded extras. This was so we could afford to live on one income when our children came along.

We now live on one wage in a reasonable priced house despite wanting to get out of town and have some decent land, most of our holidays are camping holidays, we rarely go out for meals and a lot of the activities we do with our children are free or cheap.

We chose to live within our means and for many years below them despite not being high earners so that we could afford to have a SAHP, it is not some luxury that was just handed to us, we worked and planned hard for it.

Luxury is something that you treat yourself to that you truly do not need like an expensive holiday, and expensive car or a house cleaner, having a parent at home to raise your children is not a luxury it is a gift to your children, it is mentally draining and damn hard work, going to work every day then leaving to go do something else at the end of the day is easier IMO than doing the same thing day in day out .

[Hopelessromantic91]

Personally I agree with PP who say women need to stop comparing these situations.

Getting grief from the other sex about motherhood is bad enough, surely?

[Pinkbells]

I am a SAHM, by choice thanks to savings/investments, and I would agree to part of what you say - it's not a walk in the park, so there is lots of work to be done, sometimes more stressful than a 9-5 job, but on the other hand you have flexibility, and so yes, if you are up all night with a poorly baby then assuming they are knackered and sleep the next day then you can too (and no-one cares what you look like!

[Pinkbells]

And I meant to say that I feel very privileged to stay at home with them, I have never once taken that for granted.

[Linguaphile]

I think it's the choice that's the privilege. Sometimes SAHPs also don't have a choice either; I would have liked to go back to work, for example, but the childcare costs for twins would have been more than my salary, and my husband didn't make enough for us to comfortably take the financial hit in order for me to have a few hours of adult time each day. I would have given my back teeth to hand two screaming babies off to someone else for a few hours and felt quite jealous of friends of mine who were able to go back. I certainly wasn't sleeping in and taking luxurious daytime naps.

[crazychemist]

You do seem a little envious I’m afraid.

If you’re her friend, of course she wants to have a little moan to you now and then. Being a SAHM is boring a lot of the time, and it is often isolating and lacks stimulation and adult company. I love my three days of work, even though it barely covers the cost of childcare that it causes! I consider it something that I do for myself. If I was a SAHM all week that would be a sacrifice I would be making. Perhaps that’s not the case for you and you feel differently, but she might be like me. It’s a choice, but it’s not necessarily a privilege.

Women could do with an awful lot less judgement from others about parenting. Men rarely seem to come under fire for their choices about working or staying at home.

[MadeForThis]

It's not a competition. Both working mums and sahm's can get tired and stressed.

[thegreatbeyond]

I have a clingy toddler and a husband who makes decent money but can disappear out of the country for work at very short notice. A part-time job would be quite relaxing. I'd get breaks, and people wouldn't climb on me as I ate my food etc...

[cementpointing]

i was jealous of mums who earned enough to make it worth it going to work - i didn't earn enough to cover 2 sets of childcare.

she's lucky she doesnt have to work and you're lucky to be able to work.

[paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking]

FGS what does it matter to anyone what anyone else does ? I have been both and everything in between.

Right now being a SAHM doesn't feel like a privilege. DC 3 was twins, one has special needs. I gave it a good bash for 4 years but DH & I couldn't handle the appointments, the frequent sickness and then trying to give fair time to our other children. I loved my job and never intended to be a SAHM but something had to give.

I feel fortunate being a SAHM was an opportunity and I'm not unhappy but privileged is pushing it.

[londonrach]

Every child baby is different. Being sahm can be harder work than being at work if you have a toddler and i work for nhs dealing with patients. I found looking after a baby was simple but i had a good sleeper (be hell if baby didnt sleep) and choose to bottle feed so husband and i could share feeding. Toddlerhood ive found is mentally exhaustive but vvvv enjoyable too. Theres no competition here op.