Friend doesn't realise being a SAHM is a privilege, or AIBU?

[notasahp]

Ok have name changed for this just in case I get flamed and this thread follows me around

I have a friend, let's call her A, and we both had our first DC around the same time (few months apart). I went back to work after 10 months because if I don't work bills and mortgage don't get paid. My DH works too but living in the South East we need two salaries to make things work.

A is married to a banker who makes really good money, enough for her to have the CHOICE whether to work or not. She's chosen to be a SAHM.

Problem is she complains to me all the time about how exhausted she is and doesn't realise actually what a privilege it is to be at home with your young children without worrying about money. If her DC has had a bad night sleep for example, she doesn't have to get up at 6am for work regardless the next day, she can take it easy at home and maybe even nap while her baby naps!

Does my friend not realise how lucky she is? Or am I just bitter and jealous?

[Boulty]

YANBU she is lucky that she has a choice

but... she could still be shattered being a mother is hard... especially when children are at home all day...

once they are at school being a SAHM is a doddle

[MrsBombastic]

You were right to change your name, SAHM will flat you alive.

No YANBU. I've had the luxury of trying both and being a working mum is far harder.

You could tell her to try working AND running a household (in a humorous fashion) or you could ignore her.

Depends on the likelihood of her seeing your point of view and changing her ways.

[Delatron]

Maybe she thinks you’re privileged to be able to go to work? Maybe her husband works long hours and is no help and she’s sick of the drudgery. Maybe she misses her career and is worried about her future?

Friends should suppprt each other.

[3timeslucky]

She can be exhausted and also realise that it is a privilege to have the financial choice that she has.

Would you feel better if she pre-fixed every statement with "I realise it is a privilege to be able to choose to stay at home but ..."? Or would you be complaining that she keeps going on about the privilege she has?

[1ndig0]

Why is this even a competition?

Some SAHMs have harder circumstances than others; some jobs are harder than others.

One person’s idea of “hard” will be different to the next person’s.

Some people are bored to tears in office environments etc, while others thrive. Some people are bored to the back teeth at home, while others love it.

Each to their own. Life and friends are not a hardship competition. And anyone can get tired and have a moan from time to time.

[Purplegecko]

Not really the same but I'm the only one out of my parent friends who works. They post really snarky things on Facebook about how they "didn't have children so someone else could raise them whilst I go and live my life". They're all married or in relationships and as a single mum I need to work to actually feed and house my child. I'm not out on a jolly whilst "someone else raises" my child. That being said. Even if I was married or living with a partner who helped financially, I'd still choose to work. I hated being at home all the time and enjoy working. I don't think you are being unreasonable, I think you're frustrated that she's doing what you wish you could and that you feel it's unfair of her to complain about the situation you'd LOVE to have and that is totally normal and understandable.

[Sleeplikeasloth]

Deadpoet, you'd still be doing the exact same things if you worked, just in less hours. You are not providing childcare during the day.

Children don't magically get to school, clubs, have help with homework etc if you work. Neither do meals magically appear or hills pay themselves.

With small children, they generate more mess whilst at home, and a sahp provides childcare during the day. You don't.

[rainbowbash]

yes, it’s a privilege to be able to afford to stay at home with your children but it’s also hard work.

Dont you think this is still much easier than shouldering all this on top of a stressful job? *

[Fatizo]

It may help OP to think of her friend doing a different kind of unpaid job, where she constantly looks after the baby, herself, the house and god knows what else. I am not a SAHM but work pt and sometimes I find my high stress job gives me a bit of a break from my other unpaid job at home. Each has its rewards and drawbacks. Why can’t she complain? It’s all relative and having enough money doesn’t make daily parenting struggles disappear. Who knows, she might think you re lucky to have a career that she put on hold.

[Deadpoet]

I’m a SAHM. I have 4 children and it’s exhausting, even more so as they get older. I think people think I sit on my bum most of the day drinking tea whilst they’re all at school. I’m busier now than when I used to work full time. DH is self employed and works 7 days a week until all hours ( we are also in the south east) it’s his job to provide and everything else is my responsibility. School runs, cleaning, washing, sorting bills, after school clubs, taking the older two to their jobs at the weekend, lifts to town/friends houses and helping DH when he needs it, the mentally draining side is real too. Sorting out their woes and worries ( especially enjoyable with a moody 15 year old ) helping with homework. My brain has to go from year 4 maths to A Level maths in the blink of an eye. Yep it’s pretty tiring.
Yes, it’s a privilege to be able to afford to stay at home with your children but it’s also hard work.

[Fiafymhlant]

Yes, she is privileged to have the choice to stay at home with her child/ren. However, that doesn't mean that it's an easy job for her and that she isn't exhausted. I stayed at home with my children until the youngest was about 2 and the eldest had gone to school because it would have cost more in child care than what I would have been earning, also DD would scream for hours at a time if left with anyone but me until around that age! I then went back to work part time to fit around the kids (the odd day when DD was in nursery or MIL would have her) and am now full time as both kids are now in school. I found fitting work and children in very difficult, but I was still exhausted before I went back to work as well. I think it's a close call and like previous people have said, it's not a competition about whose life is the most miserable. Show empathy to your tired friend, then get all your complaints off your chest to her as well!

[Sleeplikeasloth]

• indepee = independently.
  
  Thanks predictive text

[dustyparadeground]

You are not being unreasonable however you both should be better friends to each other. You should listen to her and she should listen to you. If it's all one way maybe she's not the friend you think she is.

[Sleeplikeasloth]

Meh, I work part time, and to me looking after my toddler is a holiday compared to work.

Yes she accompanies me to the toilet a lot, but who cares. She's seen it all before, and I don't care if I'm alone there or not (equally I'm happy to chat to my husband on the loo(wee only though!).

Yes I have lunch with a toddler. Great. I get to spend some quality time with someone Iove. Sometimes it's just us, sometimes we have lunch with friends. At work, lunch (on the rare occasions I get a lunch break) it's usually quick and solitary. I much rather lunch with my daughter.

I can tidy when she plays indepee, or sometimes if she's watching something or she 'helps' me and we make a game of it.

And we get to go out and have fun with friends, go on day trips, I can go shopping in the day.

It's glorious.

I don't just love my daughter, I really like her as well so 99% of the time I really enjoy spending days together with her rather than thinking of it as drudgery. And I have none of the stress of work. The worst that might happen is a tantrum over something silly, which is water off a ducks back compared with the stressful life changing decisions I have to make with work.

Saying that, everyone is allowed a moan from time to time.

[Delatron]

We’re all different but I too found working in a high pressured, sales driven environment easier than being at home with a baby and a toddler.

Though my conclusion was that as a women, with small children, any option is difficult. Not so for the men eh and that is what we should be arguing about, not amongst ourselves.

[danni0509]

@katykins85 Bollocks is work harder than staying at home! I work in a very demanding role with violent sex offenders- I choose to do this FT as I findit less draining than being at home with 2 toddlers all day. You may call it a privilege but i call it hell 😂

[dottymac]

I am a sahm and I honestly don't know how working mums keep all the plates spinning. I don't envy you as I can't even manage well with what I do. However, I envy that you get to have more variety in your day than I do as I have my kids hanging off me 365 days a year. I love them but that is draining. I think it's about balance really, I'd like to eventually go back to work part time and make more time for hobbies etc, but no one with kids has an 'easy' life, regardless of your work/home situation. We all have challenges and are trying our best to cope and succeed in what we are doing.

[aariah08]

I’m so sorry 😐.
Outsourcing was the wrong choice of words. I just meant that in paying somebody to care for the child means you are acknowledging that caring for a child is in itself a job. I’m probably not explaining myself eloquently again, but like I said in the message I think mums need to stop judging one another.

[Purplejay]

Having the choice whether to work or not and not having to worry about money is a privilege.

I was envious of the SAHMs when I went back to work, even though it was part time (best of both worlds?). I also went full time before I really wanted. The opportunity came up and My H (STBX) was contributing very little. I am now glad of the money as I can just about support DS with no input from his dad.

Anyway, your friend is lucky, yes, but can also be knackered, need support and is entitled to complain.

[Springmachine]

I know some SAHM who are not married to wealthy people and are in fact struggling.

They still get exhausted and stressed.

I work part time and love that I do

Everyone is different

[onemorego2019]

Agreed. The mental load of full time working and having children is exhausting in itself...that's before they wake in the night! It absolutely is a privilege in her circumstances. She probably is tired but she doesn't have to function her brain at a working level - employers have an expectation of performance . That's incredibly hard at times and often misunderstood.

[rainbowbash]

While you are at work, I assume you are outsourcing the care of your child to someone else

I don't see work just as 'outsourcing' childcare. Imo, working is part of taking care of the child. My DC need to be housed, fed and dressed which requires £££. How else could I fulfill the care part if I wouldn't go out and earn money

[smellsofelderberries]

DH and I decided that I would be a SAHM before we had kids, and birth injuries have meant I couldn't return to my old line of work without risking my health (but I recognise I had the privilege to make the choice for my health as a lot of other women wouldn't have had that luxury). DH's career is now such that I'm not sure how I would manage to get back into the workforce in a different field as he is gone 13 hours a day, so going forward school holidays etc will fall to me. Even though we chose this, and I love being at home, I am counting the days until DD receives her free nursery hours so I can get some headspace back.
From the outside I look very privileged (I am! I know I am!) but there have been other frustrating, very personal and intimate reasons I haven't been able to return to the workforce and I don't share those reasons with people. So keep in mind that could be an issue too.

[aariah08]

While you are at work, I assume you are outsourcing the care of your child to someone else (eg.daycare/nanny) Do you not value the job they are doing? Just because you are at home doesn’t mean you are not working!
What really frustrates me is when people say they don’t have a choice.
Maybe you dont have a choice living the lifestyle that you chose, but my partner and I made the choice that I would be a SAHP and we have had to make sacrifices to do so, eg we rent, we don’t go on holidays, eat out much etc, but that is our personal choice. Whether you work or stay at home your making sacrifices for that lifestyle. The sooner we stop judging each other the better!

[aquashiv]

I love my career and my kids. When I'm with then 24/7 its exhausting. As the mental energy required to be fully present in their lives doesn't compare to an enironment with boundaries and respect.
Parents that can do that have my utmost respect I need my career for mental outage. The children know I'm far happier working.