Friend doesn't realise being a SAHM is a privilege, or AIBU?

[notasahp]

Ok have name changed for this just in case I get flamed and this thread follows me around

I have a friend, let's call her A, and we both had our first DC around the same time (few months apart). I went back to work after 10 months because if I don't work bills and mortgage don't get paid. My DH works too but living in the South East we need two salaries to make things work.

A is married to a banker who makes really good money, enough for her to have the CHOICE whether to work or not. She's chosen to be a SAHM.

Problem is she complains to me all the time about how exhausted she is and doesn't realise actually what a privilege it is to be at home with your young children without worrying about money. If her DC has had a bad night sleep for example, she doesn't have to get up at 6am for work regardless the next day, she can take it easy at home and maybe even nap while her baby naps!

Does my friend not realise how lucky she is? Or am I just bitter and jealous?

[HippyMama90]

Could it be she spends all day every day with no one but a baby to talk to do she is taking her chance to vent when she speaks to you?.

As a SAHM I know it can be exhausting but things still need doing wether you want too or not

As for sleep when baby sleeps, when does that ever work!, probably as realistic as saying well you could nap in your lunch break.

[nuitdesetoiles]

The logistics of organising childcare, holiday cover etc can be almost like a job in itself. And trying to battle through traffic in dark, rainy, grim conditions to get to nursery/after school care on time is hellish and extremely stressful plus trying to coordinate the parents evenings/school assemblies and multitude of other things that need attending to.

I'm very "time poor"...the house was a lot cleaner and more organised in my sahm days even though the kids were tiny. I do manage the school run most days but have to be smart, full make up, hair styled to hot foot it straight to work. After work there's far less time to cook tea, chores, activities and help with bloody homework! I think how hard you find it is a mixture of things which includes the nature of your job plus (and this is contentious) how busyness is perceived. All the sahms I know have their kids in bed earlier than mine....no exception. They simply have more time in the day/evening to do what they need to do.

[everydaymum]

Having the financial situation to allow one parent to stay at home is great but being stay at home parent is hard work. Just because someone chooses to be a sahm or sahd doesn't mean they can't have a whinge.
It's like saying someone who chose to be a teacher can't whinge about the kids they teach.

[winniestone37]

It's not a competition and your obviously jealous you can't stay at home too. I think you're being unfair tbh.

[nellieellie]

Mmm. Well, I’m a SAHM. Yes, We are lucky to have that choice. BUT, looking after children, especially at that age is exhausting. My DH has a long hours stressful job, but when DCs were small, he acknowledged going to work was easier than being home and looking after kids. I envied him his 40min train journey - he could READ A BOOK. An avid reader, I read nothing from the birth of eldest until the youngest DC was about 3. Also, he had LUNCH BREAKS. I would stuff a fruit and nut bar down while sorting out kids. Sleepless nights AND getting up at 6am, always feeling as though I could fall asleep if I stopped....YABU.

[timetoriseandshine]

No your not just bitter and jealous, it's a massive privilege to be able to be a SAHP.
In an ideal world that's what I would be if given the choice

[Momo18]

I'm a sahm. I can tell you right now that going to work was a break compared to being at home. My kids argue, there is always drama, always some mess created to sort, when they sleep I clean or do some sort of organising, paperwork, shopping etc. I can honestly say going to work and only have one job, rather then trying to juggle three at a time was easier. Sure working mum's have it hard in a different way, they have a home to run and a job to do as well. Why be bitter about her? Even if she had no reason to struggle she clearly is, we all cope differently in different situations.

[PolarBearkshire]

Most SAHM are more tired than working mothers - staying at home all day every day with a child is not actually easy - you dont even get a chance to sit on a loo alone just like others said! Thats why most men prefer to go to work than to stay with a baby for a day...nevermind years.
Routine and challenges are different. Giving the kindergarten or nanny all the job to feed dress walk play with your child EVERY DAY is much easier and less draining emotionally than doing it yourself every single minute.
Would be good if you stop thinking you are the most hard working and SAHM are not.
Why do you think nannies look so tired after a working day? If they even didnt have to wake up at night with the baby? Because they actively engage with a baby and care for its every tiny need- very demanding mentally.

[Darls3000]

I've done both and currently working full time as my DD is now 9. SAHM is much harder IMO. And my DD was pretty well behaved. It's relentless and largely unrewarding. When I went back to work I missed her like crazy but I never envy the mums I leave at the school gate in terms of them having the whole day empty ahead of them.
Try not to compare as you will only feel sad. Realise how lucky YOU are. Also, I think this is more about her having the CHOICE that irks you.

[aquashiv]

I love my career and my kids. When I'm with then 24/7 its exhausting. As the mental energy required to be fully present in their lives doesn't compare to an enironment with boundaries and respect.
Parents that can do that have my utmost respect I need my career for mental outage. The children know I'm far happier working.

[aariah08]

While you are at work, I assume you are outsourcing the care of your child to someone else (eg.daycare/nanny) Do you not value the job they are doing? Just because you are at home doesn’t mean you are not working!
What really frustrates me is when people say they don’t have a choice.
Maybe you dont have a choice living the lifestyle that you chose, but my partner and I made the choice that I would be a SAHP and we have had to make sacrifices to do so, eg we rent, we don’t go on holidays, eat out much etc, but that is our personal choice. Whether you work or stay at home your making sacrifices for that lifestyle. The sooner we stop judging each other the better!

[smellsofelderberries]

DH and I decided that I would be a SAHM before we had kids, and birth injuries have meant I couldn't return to my old line of work without risking my health (but I recognise I had the privilege to make the choice for my health as a lot of other women wouldn't have had that luxury). DH's career is now such that I'm not sure how I would manage to get back into the workforce in a different field as he is gone 13 hours a day, so going forward school holidays etc will fall to me. Even though we chose this, and I love being at home, I am counting the days until DD receives her free nursery hours so I can get some headspace back.
From the outside I look very privileged (I am! I know I am!) but there have been other frustrating, very personal and intimate reasons I haven't been able to return to the workforce and I don't share those reasons with people. So keep in mind that could be an issue too.

[rainbowbash]

While you are at work, I assume you are outsourcing the care of your child to someone else

I don't see work just as 'outsourcing' childcare. Imo, working is part of taking care of the child. My DC need to be housed, fed and dressed which requires £££. How else could I fulfill the care part if I wouldn't go out and earn money

[onemorego2019]

Agreed. The mental load of full time working and having children is exhausting in itself...that's before they wake in the night! It absolutely is a privilege in her circumstances. She probably is tired but she doesn't have to function her brain at a working level - employers have an expectation of performance . That's incredibly hard at times and often misunderstood.

[Springmachine]

I know some SAHM who are not married to wealthy people and are in fact struggling.

They still get exhausted and stressed.

I work part time and love that I do

Everyone is different

[Purplejay]

Having the choice whether to work or not and not having to worry about money is a privilege.

I was envious of the SAHMs when I went back to work, even though it was part time (best of both worlds?). I also went full time before I really wanted. The opportunity came up and My H (STBX) was contributing very little. I am now glad of the money as I can just about support DS with no input from his dad.

Anyway, your friend is lucky, yes, but can also be knackered, need support and is entitled to complain.

[aariah08]

I’m so sorry 😐.
Outsourcing was the wrong choice of words. I just meant that in paying somebody to care for the child means you are acknowledging that caring for a child is in itself a job. I’m probably not explaining myself eloquently again, but like I said in the message I think mums need to stop judging one another.

[dottymac]

I am a sahm and I honestly don't know how working mums keep all the plates spinning. I don't envy you as I can't even manage well with what I do. However, I envy that you get to have more variety in your day than I do as I have my kids hanging off me 365 days a year. I love them but that is draining. I think it's about balance really, I'd like to eventually go back to work part time and make more time for hobbies etc, but no one with kids has an 'easy' life, regardless of your work/home situation. We all have challenges and are trying our best to cope and succeed in what we are doing.

[danni0509]

@katykins85 Bollocks is work harder than staying at home! I work in a very demanding role with violent sex offenders- I choose to do this FT as I findit less draining than being at home with 2 toddlers all day. You may call it a privilege but i call it hell 😂

[Delatron]

We’re all different but I too found working in a high pressured, sales driven environment easier than being at home with a baby and a toddler.

Though my conclusion was that as a women, with small children, any option is difficult. Not so for the men eh and that is what we should be arguing about, not amongst ourselves.

[Sleeplikeasloth]

Meh, I work part time, and to me looking after my toddler is a holiday compared to work.

Yes she accompanies me to the toilet a lot, but who cares. She's seen it all before, and I don't care if I'm alone there or not (equally I'm happy to chat to my husband on the loo(wee only though!).

Yes I have lunch with a toddler. Great. I get to spend some quality time with someone Iove. Sometimes it's just us, sometimes we have lunch with friends. At work, lunch (on the rare occasions I get a lunch break) it's usually quick and solitary. I much rather lunch with my daughter.

I can tidy when she plays indepee, or sometimes if she's watching something or she 'helps' me and we make a game of it.

And we get to go out and have fun with friends, go on day trips, I can go shopping in the day.

It's glorious.

I don't just love my daughter, I really like her as well so 99% of the time I really enjoy spending days together with her rather than thinking of it as drudgery. And I have none of the stress of work. The worst that might happen is a tantrum over something silly, which is water off a ducks back compared with the stressful life changing decisions I have to make with work.

Saying that, everyone is allowed a moan from time to time.

[dustyparadeground]

You are not being unreasonable however you both should be better friends to each other. You should listen to her and she should listen to you. If it's all one way maybe she's not the friend you think she is.

[Sleeplikeasloth]

• indepee = independently.
  
  Thanks predictive text

[Fiafymhlant]

Yes, she is privileged to have the choice to stay at home with her child/ren. However, that doesn't mean that it's an easy job for her and that she isn't exhausted. I stayed at home with my children until the youngest was about 2 and the eldest had gone to school because it would have cost more in child care than what I would have been earning, also DD would scream for hours at a time if left with anyone but me until around that age! I then went back to work part time to fit around the kids (the odd day when DD was in nursery or MIL would have her) and am now full time as both kids are now in school. I found fitting work and children in very difficult, but I was still exhausted before I went back to work as well. I think it's a close call and like previous people have said, it's not a competition about whose life is the most miserable. Show empathy to your tired friend, then get all your complaints off your chest to her as well!

[Deadpoet]

I’m a SAHM. I have 4 children and it’s exhausting, even more so as they get older. I think people think I sit on my bum most of the day drinking tea whilst they’re all at school. I’m busier now than when I used to work full time. DH is self employed and works 7 days a week until all hours ( we are also in the south east) it’s his job to provide and everything else is my responsibility. School runs, cleaning, washing, sorting bills, after school clubs, taking the older two to their jobs at the weekend, lifts to town/friends houses and helping DH when he needs it, the mentally draining side is real too. Sorting out their woes and worries ( especially enjoyable with a moody 15 year old ) helping with homework. My brain has to go from year 4 maths to A Level maths in the blink of an eye. Yep it’s pretty tiring.
Yes, it’s a privilege to be able to afford to stay at home with your children but it’s also hard work.