Friend doesn't realise being a SAHM is a privilege, or AIBU?

[notasahp]

Ok have name changed for this just in case I get flamed and this thread follows me around

I have a friend, let's call her A, and we both had our first DC around the same time (few months apart). I went back to work after 10 months because if I don't work bills and mortgage don't get paid. My DH works too but living in the South East we need two salaries to make things work.

A is married to a banker who makes really good money, enough for her to have the CHOICE whether to work or not. She's chosen to be a SAHM.

Problem is she complains to me all the time about how exhausted she is and doesn't realise actually what a privilege it is to be at home with your young children without worrying about money. If her DC has had a bad night sleep for example, she doesn't have to get up at 6am for work regardless the next day, she can take it easy at home and maybe even nap while her baby naps!

Does my friend not realise how lucky she is? Or am I just bitter and jealous?

[DustOffYourHighestHopes]

What Ribbon said, above.

Privileged people get to be tired. Who can they complain to if not their friends?

[LeSquigh]

I work between 48-60 hours a week which includes some nights and I have a toddler and another child and fuck me, it is a rest to go to work. I have to work because we couldn’t afford for me not to but even if we could I would ALWAYS choose to go to work as it is a damn site easier (and you may be surprised if you knew what my job entailed!) in addition to wanting to earn my own money and not be reliant on my DP.

[MycatsaPirate]

I've done both. Neither was harder than the other, both roles had their issues.

But you forget that you leave your house in the morning and don't have a child to pick up after all day. You get a lunch break, you get a hot drink, you get to make a phone call, you get to pick your child up clean and ready for dinner, bath and bed. I know, I have been there.

DD2 I was at home and still had to get up to get DD1 to school rather than breakfast club.

Then had that bloody long boring day ahead of me. Babies don't do much and then once they are toddlers you are just repeatedly picking fucking toys up and feeding them. You get to avoid the boredom and the tediousness because you get the whole weekend to spend enjoying time with them. It's not like that all week, it's really soul destroying especially if you have no support network.

You should give her a break. My DD2 has autism. She didn't sleep through the night until she was 4. I was fucking exhausted for four years and that's without a job.

[WetWipesGoInTheBin]

YABU

My OH is doing shared parental leave at the moment and finding out that being at home full-time with a baby plus caring for an 8 year old with a disability and another relative whose health is worse than we thought is no fun. My baby is easy but even then she goes through days when she isn't.

Oh and you should be glad you are working. If your friend went back to work once her children go to school she would find herself back at the bottom of any career she was in or wants to go into. In addition if her OH walked out on her - and it isn't rare for marriages to break down - she would have to fight to get money from her once adorable husband and even then she will find that judges are limiting how long spouse support lasts.

[TwitterLovesMAPs]

I was a SAHM for a while.

I was exhausted. I was bored. I was probably a bit low-level depressed. I hated the imbalance between DH and me. I felt like a domestic drudge, while he got to put on smart clothes and leave the house every day and do interesting things with other adults. I certainly didn’t think to myself every day that I was so lucky I was able to be at home with the kids (even though I do acknowledge I was lucky). It was just my day to day life. My normal was being at home with demanding small children all day and feeling a bit shit about myself and jealous of my husband. It’s probably the same for her. Unless she’s getting facials and mani-pedis in her front room every day while the nanny looks after her DCs?

[Rosiemadras]

Those that are SAHMs, is that a path you would like your daughters to follow? Give up your career and make yourself vulnerable and dependant? It is a privilege to some extent but from personal experience consider the long term.

[elle1111112]

Ok so varying opinions and I probably am BU. I just think that I'm doing just as much as she does plus holding down a job I.e. work all day then rush to nursery to pick up, still have to make dinner etc. I feel like I don't have any downtime

I don't understand people who choose to have kids then play the suffering olympics about how hard it is, how there's no down time. It'd be like me adopting six Pitbulls and complaining all day about how hard I have it taking care of my Pitbulls, how I have to walk them, feed them, etc.

Like you made the choice to have to go to Nursary to pick them up, make them dinner, have no downtime. Do people not realise what they're getting into before they have kids?

[Brainfogmcfogface]

I feel like I don't have any downtime

Op when exactly does a sahm have downtime? I’m one and even now I have a 4yo spralled accross me asleep. Do you get break time at work? Because I sure as hell don’t. I go days without adult conversation that isn’t all about kids. And even after bedtime I’m thinking of what we can do tomorrow to entertain and keep busy, so yes yabu.

[nos123]

No, it’s not always a privileged choice women make. I can’t actually afford to go to work because it wouldn’t be worth the childcare costs. We’re now living solely off my partner’s low income, which is incredibly difficult. Yes, maybe he could have stayed home and I could go to work but I cope much better with the baby so switching dynamics doesn’t make sense. I love caring for my baby but most days I’m lonely, bored out of my mind and don’t see anyone all day until my partner comes I from his 10 hours at work (understandably, he’s not much in the mood for talking when he gets back). I have no means to make friends in the area other than “mum groups” which intimate me. I’d like to have the option of working part-time at least. I have ambition for a career but feel completely stuck.

Just don’t lump all SAHM together because that makes me bitter.

[secretuser]

I'm a SAHM and I agree with the posters who've said the choice is the privilege.

My DH has a good job and works hard to earn enough for us to live on one income, however I had to leave the area I grew up in and all my family and friends so that he could continue running his business. I feel like I've 'earned' my privilege to have the choice to be a SAHM because I had to upsticks to make it happen. It has been really hard not having my mum and sister nearby and having to make a whole set of new friends, but I really wanted to stay at home when my children were small so that's the way it had to be.

It's not all fun and games being a SAHM, as much as I'm happy with my choice. I made a few great friends when my first was small and then had to start all over again when they returned to work and I was lonely again. My DH has to work hard and has job pressures but on the other hand he has never had to do too many night wakings not has he had cottage pie spat in his face by a toddler. Swings and roundabouts.

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

Comparison is the thief of joy- Theodore Roosevelt

[EssentialHummus]

Some days it’s an absolute privilege. Other days it’s so mentally draining and lonely that you could just weep.

and

Having a choice is the privilege.

These sum things up for me. I work freelance around 16 month old DD - so either the best or worse of everything, depending on your perspective. I love it (generally) but for every day we spend out doing enjoyable things together there's another where I'm grumpy/bored/desperate for a break/counting down the hours.

[SoftSheen]

I just think that I'm doing just as much as she does plus holding down a job Unless she also has her DD in full time nursery, then no, you're not.

Caring for a 10 month old having a bad day, especially one that has woken up multiple times the night before, can indeed be exhausting.

[ladybee28]

How are women still having this flaming conversation?

It is SO OLD and SUCH a cliche.

It's tough being a SAHM, it's tough being a working mum, it's tough being a step-parent, it's tough being a mum who works part-time, it's tough being a mum with multiple jobs, so how about we all stop bitching and comparing and bloody pull together to support one another instead of griping and comparing and debating who gets the pity party?

OP, you're doing fucking fantastically working and raising your kids at the same time. So is your friend. So next time you see her, high five her, give her a hug, and be exhausted and wonderful and hardworking and different and flawed and brilliant together.

[rebelrosie12]

I chose to be sahm...And yes I feel lucky but my god sometimes I would love to be able to go and work in an office sometimes. It is tiring. Relentless. Sometimes unrewarding. Many times you sacrifice progress in career etc. Can be lonely and isolating.

Being a mum is hard. Being a sahm is hard, being a working mum is hard. Yadbu.

[MsTSwift]

God the earnestness “is it a path you would like your daughters to follow”. All the sahms I know myself included had good jobs before their career breaks to be there when kids are tiny and are in good jobs now kids older. It’s not a permanent path of doom that many wohm seem to want!

[costacoffeecup]

I'd be quite sympathetic to be honest. I couldn't do it and I hope I never have to, I do two days a week at home and that's plenty. I love my job though.

It doesn't sound like she's very happy in her choice, maybe you should suggest she gets a part time job next time she whinges about it? That might focus her mind a bit on what she really wants to do!

[Xenia]

Why don't they have a nanny? Lots of housewives with a rich husband do.

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

I couldn't be a SAHM, children are hard work and demanding all the time, and you don't get adult conversation or a lunch break. At the same time, I do find it difficult getting up for 6am when I've had a bad night with my son e.g. if he's ill. One is not harder than the other, just different with different challenges.

[adreamofspring]

I’ve done both and I agree wit you but...she’s allowed to moan and so are you and so is every mum! That’s why we have mumsnet!

I saved up to have a couple of years at home when the DTwins were 2 and I prefer it; I would probably quit work if didn’t feel so cagey about not having an income of my own.

live and let live. You can’t know what’s going on at home - maybe her husband’s useless or her kid is SN.

Also, I had the reverse from my Sil who was a SAHM who said I had it easier because I wasn’t at home all day (she also said having twins was easier than having one child) and it made me feel shit. It also made me think she was an out of touch self absorbed twat... you don’t want to come across like that

[Lonelyheart2020]

Yabu just because it’s differnt to what you do doesn’t mean it’s better, I’m a stay at home not by choice I would love to go out and do something else haha

[Piewife]

Regardless of what's harder to do (which will vary by person of course), it is a privilege to have the choice either way.

[SalemtheBIackCat]

I think it's a bit of both. Being a SAHP is hard. But she also needs to accept that it would be a lot harder if she had to worry about paying bills.

[cadburyegg]

I’m coming to the end of my second maternity leave so I’m not a SAHM but it means I am home a lot of the time at the moment. I work part time anyway and even before I had my second I positively looked forward to my working days because they were so much easier. My ds1 was a very active baby/toddler and as a preschooler, whilst he is lovely and gorgeous he is still very demanding. When I am/was at work I could have a coffee in peace, go out to lunch with work colleagues, sit down for more than 5 minutes, eat treats without having to hide them, not have to make lunch for anyone but me. Etc etc.

I’m bloody knackered today and it’s sunday. If i’m up all night with baby DS2, no I don’t get a chance to nap when he naps or have a “chilled morning” because I have DS1. If he is in nursery that day, yes I might get a bit of a break but I have to get up at 7 to get them both ready for the nursery run, even if I do get to come home afterwards.

One of the main benefits of working is if I am ill I can call in sick to work, the kids can go to their usual childcare arrangements, and even if I have to get them there I can still come home and collapse into bed for the rest of the day.

So YABU.

[Amanduh]

I think staying at home with a baby all day is more exhausting than work.
As someone said.. it’s not a competition ffs.
However... nap when the baby naps is probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my life since being a mum. As if it’s that simple 😂😂