Friend doesn't realise being a SAHM is a privilege, or AIBU?

[notasahp]

Ok have name changed for this just in case I get flamed and this thread follows me around

I have a friend, let's call her A, and we both had our first DC around the same time (few months apart). I went back to work after 10 months because if I don't work bills and mortgage don't get paid. My DH works too but living in the South East we need two salaries to make things work.

A is married to a banker who makes really good money, enough for her to have the CHOICE whether to work or not. She's chosen to be a SAHM.

Problem is she complains to me all the time about how exhausted she is and doesn't realise actually what a privilege it is to be at home with your young children without worrying about money. If her DC has had a bad night sleep for example, she doesn't have to get up at 6am for work regardless the next day, she can take it easy at home and maybe even nap while her baby naps!

Does my friend not realise how lucky she is? Or am I just bitter and jealous?

[Pinkkahori]

I was a SAHM for many years. I had one friend in particular who never stopped going on about how lucky I was that I could afford to be a SAHM. Somehow she never noticed the sacrifices I made. My first dc had some health issues, not very serious but meant she was unwell a lot, with several short hospitals stays a year.
It made more sense for me to be at home but meant we lived on a tight budget. We didn't go abroad on holiday for 10 years. I rarely bought new clothes etc. We couldn't afford to buy a house. Because I never complained to her about those things she assumed we were very well off because I was at home.
She owns a large house, is a compulsive shopper and spends a fortune every 6 weeks on her hair.
So I would say being a SAHM is a choice but don't assume it's always a privilege.

[Purpleartichoke]

It is both a privilege and an exhausting job.

[anniehm]

They are different lifestyles but one isn't easier than the other. I was a sahm and it's mentally and physically draining in a different way - meeting the needs of a baby is hard, a toddler even trickier, you never get a break 24/7/365 and my dh worked 12 hour days 6-7 days a week and frequently traveled (not was he well paid so I had to scrimp and save, I didn't have a work permit only a spouse visa!). It's not top trumps on whose life is harder, it's different and you don't know what happens behind closed doors, perhaps she didn't even want to stay home?

[TakeMe2Insanity]

If you are working you get to:
Have a lunch break
Go to the loo alone
Drink hot drinks while hot
Generally not get toys thrown at you
Go to shops alone in your lunch break
Get commuting alone time to read

If you stay at home you get:
Get dressed and someone vomits/wipes snot on you
Get things thrown at you
Tidy up and then in the next second the room looks like a bombsite
Generally dps won’t help much at night as stay at home mum can catch up on sleep (um when?)
Have your own personal stalker

Pros and cons! Honestly the grass is not always greener

[Chosenbyyou]

My 21 month old is a pain in the backside. Today has been a long and draining day.

I do not have that Sunday feeling of dread - I will be glad to be at work tomoz for a day off?!!

I could be a SAHP but I would be a worse parent for it. I would not have said this after my first baby who was much easier and a dream toddler!

Our friend made a choice but she probably didn’t realise how tough it could be. Give her support :)

[Booboostwo]

It can be really exhausting and boring and isolating being a SAHP. She may well be thinking how lucky you are to get out of the house, use your brain, interact with other adults and eat lunch/go to the toilet in peace.

However not much is gained by comparing miseries. People’s lives are difficult in different ways.

[MuddlingMackem]

Hmm, you say she had a choice to be a SAHM, but did she really? If her husband is a banker, what kind of hours does he work, is his job compatible with her working too? Maybe their family circumstances meant that if they wanted a child it would only work with her being a SAHM, even if she would have preferred to go back to work. Do you know, have you discussed this with her? Maybe you're actually resenting each other because you each are doing what the other would prefer!

[gamerwidow]

Having choices is a privilege it is no fun to either be forced to work to afford to or forced to stay at home because you can’t afford childcare.
That being said looking after babies and small children is exhausting whatever your circumstances and she’s allowed not to love every second of it and have a moan as much as anyone.

[Thesearmsofmine]

It’s not a competition, she is allowed to have a moan and that doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel lucky to be able to be a sahm.

[TheBigBangRocks]

Some people are complainers by nature. Very common to hear a person with no job make out how hard done to they are or that's it's harder than being at work. Not sure teachers, surgeons, social workers etc would agree.

[riotlady]

Sure, having the choice whether or not to stay home is a privilege but that doesn’t mean she’s never allowed to complain again. Babies are tiring!

[saintava]

I've been both, a SAHM mum with a husband who worked all the time and did nothing at home and a single mum who works full time and does everything at home, they're both hard work and tiring! Just different.

[PurpleDaisies]

Concentrate on improving your own situation, not judging her view on hers. She’s clearly having a tough time at the moment.

[Biancadelriosback]

I definitely would quit work in a heartbeat to be a SAHM if I could. I'm still not over the fact that we can't afford for me too. Its all I want to do. I don't really care about my career ATM. I understand where the OP is coming from. It's like when you're desperate for something and someone who has that thing complains about it. Yes it (often) is a privilege but remember that some people out there are doing it as necessity and would like to work!

[Merename]

I agree the choice is a privilege and whether SAHP is depends on you. Before I had kids I imagined I’d love it but now no way. It’s hard, hard work to be with kids all the time. I felt a relief at going back to work and drinking a hot cup of tea, finishing an uninterrupted adult conversation, wearing nice clothes, being someone other than mum. Your path is tiring too but I think you’re forgetting the realities of what she actually must deal with every day.

[Tiptopj]

I think working v SAH are different type of exhaustion. Being a working mother
is definitely physically more tiring- work don't care if your baby had a bad night, your mornings and evenings are a rush and you have to cram in a lot more on yours days off to compensate but being a SAHM is mentally more tiring- your focus is on the child all the time, it's lonely and sometimes boring and there's hardly any down time which you do get at work through lunch breaks etc.

I also think it's always harder when what you're doing isn't through choice e.g. working because you have to pay bills and SAH because working just isn't feasible

[tinytreefrog]

When my kids were little worked stresses me out far more than being home with my toddlers, I loved being with them, every second of it. I loved messy play and building dens and welly walks in wet weather. I HATED having to hand them over to someone else to go and do a job I didn't particularly enjoy just to make ends meet. I would have given anything to be able to stay at home with them full time. So it did used to get to me when I'd hear SAHMs complaining about it, I would have swapped on a heart beat.

[tinytreefrog]

*work stressed. Sorry fat fingers!

[Lavenderee]

It’s only a privilege if you want to do it.
Some days it’s an absolute privilege. Other days it’s so mentally draining and lonely that you could just weep.

[TheValeyard]

Everybody's different - I when ours were old-school i worked a compressed week using flexi-time. This meant two days home and three (long) days in the office. It was great that work could accommodate me like this, but it was difficult. Frankly, I found the days at home a piece of piss compared to the days at work.

[TheRealShatParp]

I think the privilege your friend has is being able to choose, most of us don’t have a choice. I work 3 days a week and honestly, I find it easier than when I am not working and I work in a stressful environment. Being a SAHM must be tiring. But I get your frustration with her moaning about it.

[PurpleDaisies]

So it did used to get to me when I'd hear SAHMs complaining about it, I would have swapped on a heart beat.

I bet many of them would have swapped with you in a heartbeat.

[GiveMeTheEasterEggs]

Having a choice is the privilege

I agree. I have no choice but to be a sahm for the time being. No matter how we cut back we would still be at a loss after paying childcare.

[Marshmallow91]

YABU.

I'm going to be a SAHM because I have no other options. I'm long term disabled and unfortunately had to give up a career in banking 3 year's ago because working was no longer an option for me.

Being able to choose is a privilege, but so is being able to go to work at all. Stop moaning about your life and comparing, and get on with the choices you made.

You could be a SAHM, if you downsized and moved, or changed your lifestyle, so please don't play hard done by, because of your own choices.

[TheValeyard]

old-school should be pre-school. My DCs aren't very old school, a liking for Fleetwood Mac notwithstanding.