Friend doesn't realise being a SAHM is a privilege, or AIBU?

[notasahp]

Ok have name changed for this just in case I get flamed and this thread follows me around

I have a friend, let's call her A, and we both had our first DC around the same time (few months apart). I went back to work after 10 months because if I don't work bills and mortgage don't get paid. My DH works too but living in the South East we need two salaries to make things work.

A is married to a banker who makes really good money, enough for her to have the CHOICE whether to work or not. She's chosen to be a SAHM.

Problem is she complains to me all the time about how exhausted she is and doesn't realise actually what a privilege it is to be at home with your young children without worrying about money. If her DC has had a bad night sleep for example, she doesn't have to get up at 6am for work regardless the next day, she can take it easy at home and maybe even nap while her baby naps!

Does my friend not realise how lucky she is? Or am I just bitter and jealous?

When I went back to work my DC was 10 months old.
I remember the first day, sitting in front of the screen, sipping a cup of coffee at 11 and thinking " and they pay me for this!"

Agree with most on here, I’ve worked and been a sahm for a few years before returning to work again. Going to work, even when tired is allot easier!

Choice is privilege. That being said many of us can make changes that allow us a broader range of choices. I’m thinking of cutting way back on household expenses to allow one partner to work part-time or stay at home. Everyone needs to moan at times... you having a job doesn’t mean you are allowed to be the sole moaner.

You'd hate me OP. I'm a SAHM and I have a nanny. However my eldest son is disabled and spends a lot of time (around 40% of the time) in hospital. And at home there's a lot of equipment, medication, physio etc, which is why I need the help. I do count myself privileged in the extreme that we can afford for me not to work, and childcare on top of that. But as well as being grateful, staying at home is not what I would have chosen, and I miss work a LOT. So, I would say that having a the ability to choose is the greatest privilege really. And please don't go there with the 'nap when they nap' thing. It literally never happens.

When friends of mine had their baby, they were doing a job share between them, so they were both doing the same job every other week. They both said that staying at home with the baby was the hardest time, going to work was the easier option. I was lucky enough to be a SAHM, even though it left us short of money. Not only was it hard work, with no break, but I found it very isolating.

Not RTWT but my initial reaction was that you're assuming she doesn't realised she's privileged. Whether the rest if it is true is irrelevant.

I think people start questioning or judging what others do because deep down they're unsure/unhappy with what they're doing.

@rainbowbash - we live in the ME and I'm not allowed to work...

Im a sahm, my husband works away and i have no extended family for childcare, i simply have no other option, I hate this attitude towards sahm its so ignorant

I stayed home because it was cheaper than paying to work with two kids. We also paid for some childcare, which benefited me and the kids. Although I can’t say I enjoyed it, bloody hard work, I much prefer going out to the office, even compared to once they were both in school.

We were lucky to afford it but we also planned well. Not impressed at DH friends expecting our sympathy because “they both had to work”. No they chose to financially burden themselves with a huge mortgage for a bigger house while we made do in our flat.

I work part time and full time people snap at me when I complain I’m tired. They thing I’ve no right to be tired and must swan around on my days off. Reality is I’m a single parent and my children are with their dad on the days I work so when I’m off I look after them and take them to school and activities. I’ve one child who loves on less sleep and is usually up a couple of hours before I see as being a reasonable getting up time. She’s getting better at keeping herself busy but as soon as she steps foot down her bunk bed ladders I wake up. I’m a parent programmed to sleep lightly when my kids are home. I work 2 days as a teacher and am studying for a masters which is 1 day of teaching at uni then any spare time I have I’m often writing essays and studying.

I guess it’s the same argument. I’d agree it’s a privilege to stay at home and lol after your children and not worry about money. But that’s usually the view of the working parent who wishes they could afford not to work so they could stay home. For those sahm it’s possobly a privilege to go to work and be independent of your children and bring in your own money. It may be they stay at home through choice but may be forced due to child care costs not making it a viable option to work. Or childcare costs would cancel out work and a choice is made between which to do. The grass is always greener.

Having the choice is of course a privilege. It doesn’t mean that the choice she’s made is the easy choice.

So you go to work and never complain about that? What, ever?
I'm living proof that you can live in a very nice house in the South East and be a SAHM. It's affordable because we choose to have a nice house but don't have glutenous food bills (don't eat meat), we research any purchases and generally get a good deal on everything.
A SAHM IS a job and the 'pay' you receive is being able to be there for your children and all the things that you think that your friend is currently luxuriating in.

The difference, as I see it, is that as a working parent you have to fit everything else (spending quality time with your child(ren) and your partner; household chores; life admin; any social life) into a much more limited allocation of time. No baby is perfect, but if you are at home, all day, you can find 2 minutes to put on some washing, load the dishwasher, put away a grocery order etc. I would happily trade a coffee break at work for the equivalent time to get stuff done at home. So whilst I’m not saying being a SAHM is easy, you do have a time advantage over the time poor mums who are working and away from the home .... So whilst both choices have their challenges, I think being at home offers more flexibility in terms of how you manage your time, and I think that is what OP was getting at?

I think being a SATM is bloody hard work, and when you've got 2, 3 or more kids I can't imagine how draining it would be.

To a degree, I think it is a privilage - i only say that, as I would love to have had the choice, which i simply didn't, it didn't even cross my mind.

Saying that, like others have said, yes I went back but had MIL who took my DS for me, plus SIL close by who helped, and a flexible employer who let me work from home frequently.

So, as everyones circumstances are different (its not just as simple as working mum or stay at home mum), I think you have to try to stay balanced....yes your mornings might be tough, but think of the times you get to grab a coffee (or even a wee!) in peace at work, have a great meeting or learn something new that you would never get at home.

I love bedtimes, putting my LO in the bath and reading his story is the best bit of my day- whereas my SAHM friends say by that point they are close to a nervous breakdown and have even prerecorded the bedtime hour to trick their kids to going to sleep earlier!!!

I love my kids dearly but would not feel privileged if I stayed at home with them every day. I would probably feel that I was going crazy! I feel privileged to be able to work in a job that I find rewarding at the same time as being a mum.

I would love to be a SAHM but have to work due to finances. I wouldn’t say either option is easier though, they both have their challenges. Maybe if I was at home all day I would want to be back at work, hard to say. I think it’s the fact that she has a choice and you don’t that maybe you feel upset about? In any case, we all have things we like to complain about, no matter what our lifestyle is but isn’t that what friends are for?

I’ve done both and for many men I think work is a whole heap easier but my experience is that working mums usually still do the lions share of the house stuff and cooking etc so get a rough deal.

Being a SAHM can be a privilege if it’s what the woman wants and they can afford it but I know at least two women who desperately
Want to work again but the childcare costs make it impossible.

So it’s swings and roundabouts

For your friend if there are buckets of money and she has a cleaner and Ocado deliveries and meals out then she’s probably having an easier time with just one young child at home than you are but if there are other older kids too and she’s juggling it all with a husband who is never home at a decent time and expects her to do everything and cook his tea in an immaculate kitchen then she’s probably worse off

It’s all relative

I think you are BU your friend moaning about being exhausted doesn’t mean she doesn’t think she is privileged to be a SAHM. I’ve worked part time as a mum and am now a SAHM to two children. Both have their own different challenges and both are tough. When I worked part time I was desperate to be a SAHM but it’s hard work and while I feel immensely lucky and love my children to bits it is hard to understand how relentless and lonely it can be too until you’ve done it. My children have both been terrible sleepers and I’m honestly not sure which role is hardest after a rough night. What I never stopped to think about before I became a SAHM is that the time away from your children gives you the time and headspace to be yourself and not just a mum and when you come home you really appreciate your little ones, not of course that I don’t appreciate my children but I definitely feel like I’ve lost a bit of my identity while I’m in the thick of it. As a SAHM I also rarely get a second to myself I miss my child free lunch breaks, a cup of tea on my own and commuting time to and from work where I could read or listen to a podcast. I have no other childcare other than my husband so my little ones are with me every second of every day and it is exhausting. My husband is a really hands on Dad and had four weeks at home with us last year before starting a new job and declared my role exhausting and that he was off to work for a break and there was no way he could do it. What I’m saying is there is no easy option or perfect solution. Both have their pros and cons and sacrifices. Having small children is exhausting no matter what. I’m immensely lucky to stay at home though we’ve made lots of sacrifices in terms of a smaller house, uk holidays, very little money for treats, new clothes etc for us though the little ones don’t go without. Working would allow me more of a sense of identity, make me really appreciate the time with my children and give me more variety and mental stimulation not to mention some extra income. Motherhood is hard why compare, friendship is about support not who has it hardest! Unless you take your child to work you are absolutely not doing the same as your friend plus working!

I guess not having to work to the scheduling and demands of a workplace make staying at home easier. A toddler won’t put you on a disciplinary for serving snack 5 minutes late or hanging out the washing after dinner instead of before. Turn up late at work for a meeting or fail to make a (say) 12 o’clock deadline with paperwork and it’s a different story. I’m part time and definitely find days off catching up with the shopping and going to toddler groups etc easier. Yes I have school run but I can throw on jeans and leave the washing up if I’m day off unlike work days when I have to get DS2 to breakfast club and DS3 to nursery and be suited and booted and ready for a full day out of the house. I’m aware others may disagree.

I worked and i was a SAHM.

It was easier to work bc as a SAHM, i never had a moment to myself. No lunch with friends, no breaks. No time to catch my breath.

However, i think that doing both has its own set of difficulties.

I believe that everyone carries a "bag of rocks" and nobody has a perfect life. Believe me, i'm old and I've learned many times that the people who looked most put together were the ones who were paddling fastest under the water.

YANBU. It’s a bit boring at times but, the 12 months I had off with my first born, were the easiest since I left university. I was lucky with how DC1 slept through but, compared to working 70+ hour weeks, it was far easier.

I went back to work when DS1 was 6 months old. I started at 4 days a week and dropped eventuallly to 2.5 days. It was without a doubt considerably more stressful than being a SAHM. There were many arguments about whose day was more important when he was sick, the times when he had pneumonia 3 times and needed hospital treatment. Then he had to be peeled off me screaming every single day for the whole time he was at nursery. The time he went on total hunger strike as he could not cope with the toddler room and had to be collected. He used to cry “not those clothes” when I woke him up wearing my work clothes. When I had DS2 I did not go back to work (at least not to a formal job like I had before) and whilst not easier it was a lot less stressful and I definitely felt like it was a luxury I was lucky to have. That didn’t mean it wasn’t hard, repetitive and tedious sometimes but I wouldn’t change it if I could do it again (although very much wish we could have afforded to do it after DS1 and often wonder how much psychological damage the nursery did to him- even at 6 months he learned to control his bowels and never ever did a poo at nursery...he was there from 7.45 until 4.30). I also very much envied my husband the time he had to read his book on his commute and his private toilet time!! I guess there will always be times when the grass seems to be greener elsewhere but I am very glad I had the luxury of being at home when mine were young and was able to take them to school and pick them up. Am loving being back at work now they are older (12 and 16) though.

YABU, lots of parents (especially single ones) can't work because it's not financially beneficial. Lots of mothers struggle with depression and loneliness, made worse by being a SAHM.
It's not easy. Going to work it's a break for a lot of parents.