Friend doesn't realise being a SAHM is a privilege, or AIBU?

[notasahp]

Ok have name changed for this just in case I get flamed and this thread follows me around

I have a friend, let's call her A, and we both had our first DC around the same time (few months apart). I went back to work after 10 months because if I don't work bills and mortgage don't get paid. My DH works too but living in the South East we need two salaries to make things work.

A is married to a banker who makes really good money, enough for her to have the CHOICE whether to work or not. She's chosen to be a SAHM.

Problem is she complains to me all the time about how exhausted she is and doesn't realise actually what a privilege it is to be at home with your young children without worrying about money. If her DC has had a bad night sleep for example, she doesn't have to get up at 6am for work regardless the next day, she can take it easy at home and maybe even nap while her baby naps!

Does my friend not realise how lucky she is? Or am I just bitter and jealous?

I've done both, working full time as a single mum when my two eldest were tiny, and paying out for childcare, which was hard work, because I came home and wanted to spend some quality fun time with my kids, and then when I got married and had two more children, I became a sahm, and its bloody tiring!

Can't people just stop with the comparing and listen to their friends, and not make it into a rivalry? Or find other friends that you're not jealous of. xx

Tbh I was bloody glad to get back to work. I would never chose to be a SAHP.

I was a sahm for 14 years. Started because my employer conveniently forgot that he’d agreed to me working part time after dc1. Full time wasn’t an option. 50 mile commute and 24 hour duty solicitor on-call rota

Stayed at home because I was unable to find an alternative job that would have covered childcare costs and a certain amount of pressure (dh and mum) to do so.
I admit that I felt very jealous of people who could work. Adult conversation, able to go to loo, lunch breaks, basically just being treated as a human being rather than a machine for feeding and changing nappies. Permanently exhausted-dc1 was one of those babies that needed feeding every hour day and night for first 6 months

I certainly wouldn’t have been amused by someone telling me I was lucky to have this privilege. Equally I did not enjoy being given the feeling by working mums that I was a failure because I was “only “ working 24/7/365

OP

Give your friend and yourself a break,it's not a competition.

Since becoming a mum with my eldest 14 years ago I've worked full time,part time,from home and have been a SAHM on more than one occasion too and I can categorically tell you that at no point has any of it been easier than any other parts of it.Its hasn't mattered if I've worked or not or how many hours I've worked or how I've worked them,ALL OF IT has been damn hard.Being a SAHP is not a privilege and having a job is also not a privilege either,there are parents out there who would love to would but can't because they can't afford childcare and don't have family/friends willing to help.

Work is loads less exhausting than stay at home parenting

I saw it as a privalage to have a good well paying job to go back to, to have great childcare and a husband who did fifty fifty, so my choice was the privalage. I think the sun shines out my daughters back side, but I certainly woildnt have felt privalaged to give up my job and only do child care and housework. Others feel the opposite.

The fact you're not happy with your choices, and having a baby is a choice, doesn't mean you get to judge others and be mean.

Focus on your own happiness. If she's struggling she's struggling. Being a stay at home parent isn't all rice crispie cakes and dancing in the rain.

I’m sure being a SAHM is exhausting
But it is a privilege that I will never be able to have.
The two are not mutually exclusive

I did the sahm thing for a year on maternity leave with dd 3 at the time and a baby. Was one of the best years of my life! Once after the initial hectic few weeks. Since then I've worked part time...now both are in school and have been for a while I have time off in the week but the juggling with childcare is tough as dh works away. My job (mental health) is very emotionally draining and debilitating...found being with both dc easier even when they were tiny.

Being a sahm with preschoolers and younger is hard work I think. But sahm who's kids are in school who moan about being "busy" (unless they have other caring responsibilities) don't realise how bloody privileged and entitled they are...they're not busy. One of the things that annoys me about where I live...lots of gym mummies complaining about how to fit the personal trainer and their lunch date in before pick up..

Being a SAHM has its own challenges, which are often v different to working outside the house. As others have said, it shouldn't be a competition...
But, if you have to work, and would love to be able to stay at home, it can feel like it would be a luxury. I certainly felt like that when i had to go back. And, to hear friends complaining how hard it was, was really difficult.

Working mums don’t do everything a SAHM does + more either! SAHM is thankless & unpaid & you never get time off. Or feel bad if u do, at least if u work u can pay for time off ie childcare, when I started back at work I loved my 20 min commute with no one nagging me & tiny bit of “me time”. Some people cant afford to work cos it costs more to go to work. For some work is a privilege for some SAHM is. No point being judgey. And nap when baby naps! Biggest fallacy ever! That’s the only time to have a cuppa or load dishwasher & do chores. I was SAHM for 4 yrs. am glad but boy it was tough!! Work billion times easier!

The fact she can ‘choose’ is the privilege.
But I also agree with a lot of what you also say.

Part time work isn't a bed of roses either...glances and side eye from colleagues when you can't attend a certain meeting or similar and moans from dc when you're not there every day at school. Plus part time hours are rarely scoped properly...usually do more than your share...feel like you're not quite doing your best at either...

Being a mum is fucking exhausting whether you work or not. You are being unreasonable

Think there’s a fair bit of looking back with rose tinted glssses when ppl remember their children early years. Doesn’t mean they didn’t struggle, they’ve just blocked it out lol!

I've done both and working is infinitely harder. As a working parent I had to run the house plus commute to work, handle a very stressful high pressure job, on hardly any sleep.

Even on nights when I'd been up with a sick child, had close to zero sleep, I had to be up, dressed, looking professional, in the office and was expected to deliver work at the highest level, for very demanding international clients.

Staying at home was so much easier.

Depends on your job I suppose.

I'm 'privileged'. DH is high earner. I haven't worked for 6 out of the last 7 years. We have a 3yo ds. I CANNOT WAIT to be able to work again.

Smith - what prevents you from working. With a high earning DH, I guess childcare costs aren't the issue... just curious why you consider yourself not able to work.

I hear you OP.
Being a sahm isn’t easy, but I agree it’s a privilege to stay home with your children without the stress and worry of bills not being paid/being evicted/starving to death.

Being a mum is hard- I’m always full of mum guilt that I’m not doing enough for dd, that I do too much for dd, that’s we don’t have the holidays or Xmas gifts her friends families have, that my dd sometimes acts spoilt in light of what she does have... its part of the mum package.

My dd knows I work hard, she knows the value of money and I’ve set a great example of a strong work ethic. She knows I sacrifice everything to provide for her.
The child of a sahm will know their mum gave up their career, independence and marbles to care for them when at times it’s mind numbing.
Different lessons but same theme- let’s all just be nice to each other and ourselves. We’re all doing what we think is right, we’re all trying our best and we’re all probably getting it wrong most of the time regardless! Xx

I suppose it depends how much you enjoy work & how appreciated you are there. My job is very stressful,, I work difficult shifts, often on a few hours sleep & have to perform to a high standard & deal with some very difficult issues. But I love it, it’s very satisfying & I feel appreciated. I live my kids but don’t feel appreciated for the hard work & especially not the domestic drudgery. So much more cleaning & tidying & preparing meals when you’re there all day. Is lovely working & being able to afford takeaways when tired or nicely preprepped healthy food. I enjoy & appreciate my time with my children lots more. I am part time tho my part time hours are nearly the same as the average normal working g week. Full time would be a struggle

I think the attitude of your DH or DP when you are a SAHM matters. Some Dads can't wait to do bath time etc , but some are out working long hours, so can't help. Then they need to rest or unwind doing their hobbies at the weekend. As being a SAHM isn't really a job it must mean so you don't need a break at the weekend not that I'm bitter.

I agree anapple, both working means things shared better & not one person lumbered with all the crap. And def the working person feels they’ve earned time off when in reality the SAHM has worked harder & needs time off more

The grass is always greener on the other side.

Choice is a privilege - absolutely. But don’t forget that privilege is relative. You think your friend is privileged. Someone else reading your post might well think you were privileged to be able to afford a mortgage in the South East. Someone in a less developed country might, in turn, think that person was privileged to live in the UK. And so on and so forth. And your rich friend probably looks at others who have better/easier/more monied lives than she does and thinks they’re privileged. Focusing on what you have and making the best of the choices available to you is the only way to go....

I’m a SAHM and I’m afraid it’s attitudes like yours that make people like me feel that they can never express anything other than blissful contentment. Being at home all day is hard, being solely responsible for a child (or 3 in my case) all day long is draining, we know we’re fortunate to be able to stay home with our children as we wish but it doesn’t mean that we don’t have days ‘in the job’ just like you where we feel exhausted, unappreciated or a bit directionless. Particularly when society tells us we should feel guilty for sacrificing our careers and not going out to work but we should also feel guilty if we do.

YABU
I am a SAHM, not because I 'choose' to, but because I have 2 year old twins and a 1 year old baby as well as a 6 year old child. Why? Because it's too expensive for me to put my 3 younger children in nursery so I can work.
I am better off at home, putting my career goals on hold whilst I watch my friends with 1 child progress in their careers. I am often lonely and have nobody to speak to, I see only my children, have no help raising them apart from DH. No babysitter, never get a break, constantly interacting with my children, teaching them, tidying, cooking, finding ways to entertain them etc.

Don't get me wrong, I adore my children and love that I can afford to be home whilst DH works but I would love to be able to go to work and catch a break every day.

Parenting isn't a competition, it's horrible that you consider your friend basically selfish for having a moan about being tired. It is hard being home! There's nothing easy about it. Cut her some slack and actually emphasise with her. Being at home is harder than being at work!

I don't regret my decision as I am taking time out for such a short period of time but I do often wish I could go back to my previous marketing manager role where I could sit in my office in peace and quiet, drink as many coffees as I wanted and get my work done.