Friend doesn't realise being a SAHM is a privilege, or AIBU?

[notasahp]

Ok have name changed for this just in case I get flamed and this thread follows me around

I have a friend, let's call her A, and we both had our first DC around the same time (few months apart). I went back to work after 10 months because if I don't work bills and mortgage don't get paid. My DH works too but living in the South East we need two salaries to make things work.

A is married to a banker who makes really good money, enough for her to have the CHOICE whether to work or not. She's chosen to be a SAHM.

Problem is she complains to me all the time about how exhausted she is and doesn't realise actually what a privilege it is to be at home with your young children without worrying about money. If her DC has had a bad night sleep for example, she doesn't have to get up at 6am for work regardless the next day, she can take it easy at home and maybe even nap while her baby naps!

Does my friend not realise how lucky she is? Or am I just bitter and jealous?

You are just bitter and jealous.

And preachy.

And it's not a competition.

Being a stay at home mum is NOT easy!!!! I did it for a while, going back to work saved my sanity.

I absolutely agree that being a SAHM is a privilege. It's not a choice that is open to everyone and your friend is in a very lucky position.

That said I don't think that means she can't have a bad day.

I think anyone constantly moaning about anything would get wearing after a while, so yanbu for finding the repetition annoying.

Ok have name changed for this just in case I get flamed and this thread follows me around

So, you already know you are being goady and unreasonable. WTF is it with women judging the choices of other women and bitching about them? It's dull and uncalled for. Just stop it.

There are difficulties for working parents. There are difficulties for sahp. Both are "allowed" to find it difficult. What, she should just shut up and shove her feelings down because of your judgement?

It’s not a privilege, it’s a decision by that family.

My eyes were opened on this when I was talking to a women whose wife stays at home while she worked in a £££ job. She said she loved that her wife could be at home with their children and that she could focus on her job (which she loved) and not have to worry about the children during the working day or washing/cooking etc/household management etc. I had always assumed that secretly my husband resented it when I was loafing about in bed whilst he rushed off to work (I was a SAHM while mine were not at school - which was tough as they are so demanding at that age and then have worked part time since then).

I think it’s great if you have a choice but I wouldn’t describe it as a privilege. Once your children are at school, particularly once they are teens I personally do think it is a bit to not work at all or if you absolutely don’t need the cash then do a decent amount of voluntary work. BUT that’s just because a) I would be bored to tears alternating between being at home/gym/coffee/walking the dog which is what my non-working friends seem to do and b) I would feel guilty about the packed, draining work days my husband had compared to mine spent filling my time with fun activities.

Isn't your friend lucky to have you there, counting her blessings for her?

Comparison is the thief of joy. HTH.

You sound jealous of your friend

I was at home with a reflux baby who screamed for an.hour, about 3 times a day, and who did not nap unless I walked him in the buggy

Yeah, very relaxing times those were

Oh no, wait, I was on my knees with PND whilst DH was going on lots of business trips.

Happy memories

Not

Problem is she complains to me all the time about how exhausted she is and doesn't realise actually what a privilege it is to be at home with your young children without worrying about money. If her DC has had a bad night sleep for example, she doesn't have to get up at 6am for work regardless the next day, she can take it easy at home and maybe even nap while her baby naps!
YABVU OP
I have done both. My job is non stop, I swallow my lunch on the go pretty much.
Going to work was always a break.
Mentally exhausting staying at home. I am now never alone. Never.
I am lucky yes, as we are lucky to have a DC, it doesn't make it any easier
If she is not a friend you want then just make others

I absolutely agree that being a SAHM is a privilege. It's not a choice that is open to everyone and your friend is in a very lucky position.

It's not that much of a choice when you would be paying out more in childcare than you earn, and having to do everything else yourself before and after work because your partner works away, is it?

You just can't make such a generalized sweeping statement, there are too many variables!

Sorry OP but you do sound bitter and jealous.

Being a SAHP isn't easy for many, many women. Some thrive on it, others not so much (I fall into the second category!). Whether it's a choice or not isn't really relevant. To flip it around, if she could feely choose to stay home then she may have felt great guilt at the idea of choosing to return to work when the income wasn't actually "needed"...
Technically I could be a SAHP, but I chose to return to work part time, as for me that was by FAR the easiest option.

There are a myriad of different circumstances that mother's face, either with freedom to choose what they want (or think they want), or with no real choice in the matter... IMO it's best not to judge and presume you have it "worse", it's all relative really.

With regards to rushing home to make tea, can your DC not eat at nursery, to take the strain off a bit? I do drop off and pick up when working, which is hard at times, so understand the feeling of tearing around endlessly! But there are little tweaks you may be able to implement to make life easier.

These threads pop up all the time and I think they are fuelled by jealousy.

It's mentally draining being at home all day

I get what you're saying but it's not a bed of Roses being a SAHM

Also, not a bed of Roses being a working mum. Life's not perfect. Just be loving and supportive of other women's choices

Who made you the parenting police OP?

It’s not a competition for who has the hardest life. Everyone is entitled to say they’re having a hard time.
Being a sahm is exhausting as is being a working mum.

Op what would you like your friend to say? I had a lovely lie in as baby didn't get up until 8 - we both had breakfast then we jogged through the park to baby class - where Delia was fascinated by the parachute - we had coffee with a friend and the girls were soooo cute together - look at the pictures. Then we had salmon for lunch - of course Magda had cleaned the house while we were out so it was fab. Delia went down for a nap like a dream so I spent a couple of hours learning Italian for the summer holiday and updating instagram. After nap we ran around the park like astronauts and came home and made a spaceship den and blew Jupiter bubbles. Delia played with her tasteful wooden kitchen while I cooked us dinner. Bath story bed. My life is the best so much fun. Every minute. I am so lucky. Is that better?

RicStar that made me laugh (close)

Hmmm... I personally think that those who work part time have the right idea. And that's in no way a dig at those who work part time - it's an acknowledgement that childcare is relentless and I couldn't do it full time. And both parents working ft is an incredibly difficult juggling act, I know because I do it. The ideal is to get a break from both the relentlessness of childcare and the pressures of working ft. That's why I fully intend to drop my hours within a year.

Ricstar - you missed out the bit where her dh comes home, gives her a big kiss and tells her how much he appreciates and respects her being a sahm

Uh not true at all. Bad nights sleep = have to awake early with dc and paint a smile despite them keeping you up all night.
It is exhausting, and I say that as a lp.
You sound jealous.

Who looks after your dc op? Is their job a piss take because they are at home with the kids too... It is a job paid or not. Your own kids or not. And I say that with 3 dc and one on the way and I work from home.

I work part time so kind of get the view of both, personally I find being at home with my DC much more tiring than going to work. I always joke I go to work for a break.
I can understand as a work in mum who doesn't get as much time that with their DC that they would feel that way, but it is exhausting been at home all day and it isn't as relaxing as people think, there is still housework to be done and if the DC wakes up at 6am you still have to be up wether you have had a good night or not, I actually find it worse to be home all day in that scenario than be at work, at work it is easier to keep going, without a little person that depends on you needing you and sapping that last little bit of energy out of you while fighting you during their nappy change, because they don't want to eat what you have given them or they don't want to go to sleep and you are desperate for them to so you can have 5 minutes to sit or have a nap yourself.

‘Nap when baby naps’ is often bollocks. Many babies won’t nap unless they’re being continuously moved around or bounced or are in someone’s arms.

I had a ‘high needs’ baby like this and trust me when I say, work is much easier than raising her ever has been . Honestly it’s not a walk in the park being home with children all day long, it’s mentally draining.