Friend doesn't realise being a SAHM is a privilege, or AIBU?

[notasahp]

Ok have name changed for this just in case I get flamed and this thread follows me around

I have a friend, let's call her A, and we both had our first DC around the same time (few months apart). I went back to work after 10 months because if I don't work bills and mortgage don't get paid. My DH works too but living in the South East we need two salaries to make things work.

A is married to a banker who makes really good money, enough for her to have the CHOICE whether to work or not. She's chosen to be a SAHM.

Problem is she complains to me all the time about how exhausted she is and doesn't realise actually what a privilege it is to be at home with your young children without worrying about money. If her DC has had a bad night sleep for example, she doesn't have to get up at 6am for work regardless the next day, she can take it easy at home and maybe even nap while her baby naps!

Does my friend not realise how lucky she is? Or am I just bitter and jealous?

It depend on how comfortable they are financially. It you can stay at home get help with cleaning and afford to go out to some classes etc then it helps, but anything can become a grind. There are different levels of banker so it really depends.

Unfortunately my DH is not a banker of any level, works long hours and I'm a SAHM due to costs and practically of childcare. My previous industry doesn't do part time. We struggle for money on one income. I don't have a car, can't afford any classes or things to do. I can't afford any clothes and I have to cut our hair myself. And we don't have sky or holidays My child has sleep issues still at 2.5 yrs and I have to look after all the house stuff too. We have a large mortgage which yes is maybe our choice, but we live in SE. Maybe if you looked at our house you would think I'm privileged.

I think it's lovely to be there and be a SAHM for my child but it doesn't mean it's easy for everyone. I do wish I could work part time or just had the option.

Having children is exhausting full stop.

I found my time at home with DD exhausting. Equally, as a working mum I'm exhausted but in a different way. Sure when I'm at work I have to deal with the stresses of colleagues and clients but when I was at home I had to deal with terrible twos and threenage behaviour. I prefer work stress to that but that's just how I'm wired.

One thing to remember is regardless of whether your life is actually harder than hers, her days aren't any easier because of that. DD has a disability and we are fortunate it doesn't affect her profoundly. Others have it harder than us but that doesn't make my worst day any easier. I hear people complaining of issues and I would love it if their seemingly minor issues were the worst I had to deal with. But that doesn't make it easier for them.

Stop projecting your envy on to her and support her when she is having a tough time. That's what friends do.

Jealous much?

Having available childcare is a privilege.

Nasahm yanbu she does what a lot of sahm's do , wants to feel she's hard done by !

Green eyed monster. Scroll on....

When the boys were small I worked p/t, and that has challenges of course, but the bliss of the nanny arriving and my being able to just walk out of the front door! I then became a SAHM and it was very challenging but I could also see how challenging it was for friends who were mums and continued to work. Cut your friend some slack, OP 🤗

I have been both a full time working mum and a SAHM (currently at uni so only out for 4 hours a week), and honestly it was easier working full time. However I do realise how lucky I am to have all the time I do with my babies.
Being a SAHM is a massively hard job with no real appreciation because people do think you have it easy.

I think it's easier to go to work than be a SAHM.

Oh God no. I’m a WoHM. DH and I both work 4 days per week to help cover childcare and both take an equal share of childcare / housework etc etc.

When I see my friends who are SAHMs they look permanently knackered; looking after small children and babies is bloody exhausting!

I find it hard to sympathise with your friend. Work full time plus extra. Life is stressful, crazy and never have a minute from the second I walk in the door til about 9.30pm. I guess the grass is always greener but yes it is a privilege to be able to stay home. I have friends who don’t work and when they say they are too tired to do anything, I feel so angry! Their kids are in school all day!!! Grrrr, guess I am jealous but I like my job.

I go to work to relax twice a week! Staying home is hard and tiring and draining. Stop being jelly 😂

And not all babies are the same!! My darling was a great baby (except for refusing to nap unless I was walking him in the pram) but was generally cheerful, so mat leave was fun for me. Another friend had a baby who would no stop crying. I remember feeling so sorry for her (and admiring her for not going bloody crazy) x

I have a very stressful job. Sometimes i get physically assaulted, other times I deal with a lot of mental illness and aggression and I was desperate to go back to work. I find working a lot less mentally draining.

TBH it depends on your profession or job. I worked part time and it was much easier that being at home with babies/toddlers.

A few things to consider :
a) being a sahm parent is often the harder option in terms of whether u get a break /not and is often more non stop. At least u get a lunchbreak/cup of tea/loo break at work.
B) for some, the cost of childcare is prohibitive and people would just be working to pay for childcare and wouldn't really "make" any money.
C) your friend might be "lucky" but being a sahm /p is hard work which is one of the reasons i went back to full time work.

It is exhausting. Don’t be jealous. Work is hard. Staying at home is hard. Don’t make it a competition; try and support each other.

I’ve done it both ways. It’s swings and roundabouts. I went back to work after DC1 but became a SAHM after DC2. There were things I missed out on while working but although I was at work all day I was less mentally drained. I stupidly thought SAHM, no problem. Yeah...no it’s exhausting because those small humans need entertaining and stimulating and if you’re not earning you are responsible for all the housework and cooking etc which is increased by the fact that you and a child are home all day. The baby bit is actually not too bad until they are walking but once they are walking you are constantly picking up after them. Not to mention that suddenly you have no adult conversations or personal time. There is no half hour lunch break to just sit and leisurely eat and you can’t just go to the toilet when you want without an audience unless you happen to be going during nap time. But that said like I said its swings and roundabouts. When the baby is ill there’s no calling into work because the baby is sick and can’t go to nursery. However when you are sick you don’t get to take the baby to nursery then come home and lie on the sofa home I’ll from work. You still have to be a mum all day.

I'm a SAHM and I agree and disagree. I agree it's a privillage to be able to stay at home and I am EXTREMELY lucky to be able to stay home and look after my kids. But being at home doesn't mean I get to take things easy if we have a rough night. Again every woman is different and I don't k ow what her personal life is like but from my perspective it isn't like that.
But again on the other hand I'm not there when she is moaning. If it was about everything, i would have to make a comment.

Firstly I’ve been a SAHM & a working Mum & personally found being a SAHM is infinitely harder.

You also do not do ‘everything’ she does - the nursery does for you what she does whilst you are at work, then presumably you do similar things in the evenings/nights/weekends.

On the odd occasion that my DH decided to either ask ‘what on earth’ I’d been doing all day OR try & tell me working was harder than being at home he was lucky to keep his genitals intact. I’d suggest OP you try & stop the green eyed monster & respect and understand that everyone is different, being a SAHM has pros & cons & your friend is as entitled to find it just as hard as you do - parenting is fucking hard full stop.

Imagine if a man came on here to spout about what a privilege it was for his wife to be a SAHM!

I feel as mothers/parents there are enough articles or 'experts' telling us what we should or shouldn't be doing. Rather than bringing each other down for choosing to work or stay at home, or choosing to raise our children a different way to someone else. We should be rallying around and patting each other on the back for doing a great job. There are pros and cons in each situation and we should not compare with others.

I think you are doing a fab job being a working parent but also your friend is doing a fab job being a stay at home parent as well.

:-)

I was a sahm for 4 years. Not a privilege when we couldn’t afford childcare for me to go back.

I am a sahm... my partner runs his own business works night and day. I get up at 5 when my partner leaves 4 work i am on the go all day cooking cleanin shoppin and school run. I spend most of my time with no adult company. My partner comes in about 8 i do his dinner.Then the weekend comes and let him have a rest as his job is pychical and he needs it or he would just burn out he only has a sunday off. My partner makes good money and wouldnt be able to work the way he does if i didnt stay at home. Dont always think its a choice 4 a woman 2 stay at home its what works best 4 ur family.

these threads usually get lots of posters telling you how hard it is to look after a baby yada yada yada....

I have done both - SAHM (well, was made redundant and technically unemployed but hey) and working outside home. I really struggle to comprehend how Sahm can be hard(er). You have all day to get your stuff done. Granted, a baby is work as well but when you work with and have DC, you still need to cook dinner, do the cleaning, laundry, shopping, admin in the few hours that you have when u come back from work (on top of tired DC wanting attention). And you are yourself knackered from the school/nursery runs, commute and work after an early start as opposed to a lie in. I found bring a Sahm so much easier (and one of the DC has ASD and LD and pretty high needs).

It depends on the job. In my profession most working mums that I speak to find being at home on maternity leave far easier than being a working parent. I certainly found being at home far easier.