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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Inlaws are pressuring me after I've given birth.

292 replies

InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 09:37

I recently gave birth to twins and it was very traumatic. I don't want to talk about the details but I don't want to drip feed either so I'll leave it at it was as awful as it's possible to be without anyone dying. One baby may have disabilities, we don't know yet.

I don't feel like I want visitors. I'm a very private person and I feel like I was robbed of the birth I wanted and my babies first weeks, as we were all in hospital. I want to get to know my babies at home, away from the outside world. I want to sit in my pyjamas cuddling my babies and watching rubbish films, undisturbed. I want to establish our bond and make sure after being in hospital they know I am their mum.

My husband is Asian and it's customary for extended family to stay over, cook for you and help with the babies. People have assumed they will be doing this but it's my idea of hell. I don't want my babies being passed around and I don't want to have to host people or feel I can't relax.

I've told DH but they keep hassling him asking when they can come over. I overheard one person ring him up and lay into me, saying I'm being horrible and I chose to marry an Asian man and should accept this as coming with the territory and that it's not fair of me to upset the family. They also said that they want to bond with my babies and me wanting to bond with them first is selfish and not fair on them.

I know if I agree to visits they won't respect my boundaries. They give unsolicited advice all the time, including criticisms of me for not breastfeeding any more and telling me to go back to work and give the babies to others to look after. I've told DH this really annoys me and i can't be bothered with it while I feel vulnerable, and I want to enjoy my babies while they're little instead of stressing over this.

DH agrees but also feels torn as he knows what's expected and I feel like I'm upsetting him. What compromise can be had here?

OP posts:
BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones · 19/01/2019 09:40

It won't be a compromise. It would be you sacrificing what you need right now to placate someone else.

You've already had your world turned upside down, just keep doing what's right for you just now Flowers

toddle · 19/01/2019 09:41

I don't feel you need to make any compromise as long as your babies, your husband and yourself are all happy with the current arrangement. Ok they are family but you are family first and foremost to those babies your wishes should come before you trying to make anyone else happy especially after such a traumatic event.

Hope you recover well soon and things start to settle

FenellaMaxwell · 19/01/2019 09:43

You said first weeks, so how old are your children now? Can’t you just give them a date of when they can visit, and make it clear that it’s just a day visit? You are going to have to agree to visits sometime, so why not set an agreed date in the future and then they’ll stop asking.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 09:43

My husband does agree but he says he does feel a bit put out when I see my own mum. My own mum had a traumatic birth with me and helps me with things like washing up and I don't have to "host" her. I've said MIL can come, who I get on with, but it's the extended family who are angry.

OP posts:
TulipsInbloom1 · 19/01/2019 09:44

Have his family met the babies yet? Even just a quick pop in for a cuddle?

Fightthebear · 19/01/2019 09:44

So sorry about how the birth went Flowers

Could you organise a day visit instead, so they feel involved? No way to anyone staying over though.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 09:45

MIL FIL and my own parents have met them but no one else yet.

OP posts:
FenellaMaxwell · 19/01/2019 09:46

And how old are they now?

Needthesunshine · 19/01/2019 09:46

How old are your babies?

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 09:47

12 weeks. 88 NICU days due to the birth so they've not been home long.

OP posts:
Bambamber · 19/01/2019 09:47

I would invite your MIL and the rest can just wait

RandomMess · 19/01/2019 09:49

It's great that you are comfortable with PIL coming around as well as your own parents. Thank DH for his support with the extended family and as soon as you are feeling up to having other people visit you will let him know.

Do you think you could speak to MIL and thank her for brung a great MIL and for understanding that you are not up to the traditional family visits. That it's so great she respects you as a DIL. And mother to DTwins? Hopefully she will then be in a better position to tell the rest of her family to STFU.

ThanksThanksThanksThanksThanksThanks

FenellaMaxwell · 19/01/2019 09:49

I’m a bit confused as 88 days is more than 12 weeks - how long have you been home?

Sosounhappy · 19/01/2019 09:50

I would just say they are vulnerable to germs limited visitors for a month

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 09:52

Random I'll try and talk to her as she's quite reasonable.

Fenella they're 13 weeks tomorrow. Ones been home a week the other two days.

OP posts:
Hsmumma · 19/01/2019 09:52

I would say they can visit but for the day only or whatever period of time you are comfortable with. If you get on well with your MIL can she not have a word with the extended family? It sounds like your babies haven’t been home long at all, every parent needs time to get into the swing of things once you get home. Hope you are recovering well and your babies are ok!

BejamNostalgia · 19/01/2019 09:52

Have they been around at all? The way you speak about seeing your Mum makes it sounds like they haven’t or have only been once or twice.

I do think your DH has a point, because you are effectively telling him that he can’t have his family around but you can.

You don’t have to host, you can make that clear. I’m a bit confused though, because you say they want to come around and help and cook, then you say you’re expected to host.

I have twins and I fear you’re making a rod for your own back with this too. You’re going to need all the help you can get.

Bluestitch · 19/01/2019 09:52

Sod that. You've been through a trauma and only just got your babies home. You need time to recover and bond, establish a routine. You've welcomed both sets of grandparents, that's more than enough for now. The others can visit when you're ready (except the person who was nasty about you on the phone!)

Jamiefraserskilt · 19/01/2019 09:54

You do what you need to.
Criticism of your decision based on their tradition is shite.
You married an Asian man so presumably you are from a different culture where privacy after birth is ok. They must respect your decision as the parents have the final say.
Hard as it is, your dh must stand firm with you. They need to back off and let you heal. Name calling is not acceptable and he should not allow that kind of abuse from his family towards you.
He chose you and until you are ready for the onslaught, you must do what you feel is best.
As a gentle compromise, his parents could stay in a hotel locally and pop in for a few hours to meet the children when you are ready. On the understanding they behave. That way they get to meet them but you control the timing and input. Your dh must police his parents to ensure they respect your boundaries though.
Wishing you all well and congratulations on the birth of your twins x

Bluestitch · 19/01/2019 09:55

Xpost one has only been home 2 days! No they can sod off. I agree with the pp about saying they are too susceptible to germs for the next month.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 09:56

Benjam in DHs culture, the DIL has to host the extended family. I don't even know all the customs as DH rarely practices them.

OP posts:
JasperKarat · 19/01/2019 09:57

You've only been home a week you've all had a very traumatic time and PIL have visited as well as your parents, if you can get MIL on side as a PP suggested that might help as she can fend off the extended family.

Jamiefraserskilt · 19/01/2019 09:57

Sorry, x posted. Surely the inlaws are the most important visitors and can see the situation. Let them explain to his extended family.

florentina1 · 19/01/2019 09:58

This really gives me the rage, when families think their ‘rights’ outweigh those of the mother and baby. Putting all this extra stress on you at this time is really not on. Could your husband visit them and try to explain face to face the trauma you have suffered.

My first was also in hospital for weeks after his birth, and being robbed of those first few weeks is very hard. The only person who understood was my MiL. She was. Amazing but my mother and my cousins just invited themselves and sat for hours while I just wanted to sleep. They watched my every move and one cousin complained because I would not let her 11 year old daughter push him up and down the street in his pram. None of them had experience of a premature baby and just let me know how pathetic they thought I was.

Dollymixture22 · 19/01/2019 09:59

Say there is a risk of infection with a large number of people visiting.

You are doing amazingly well, and your in laws have been to visit the babies.

Everyone else needs to calm down! They are being incredibly selfish- it annoys me when people (of any culture) use cultural differences as a defend for poor manners.

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