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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Inlaws are pressuring me after I've given birth.

292 replies

InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 09:37

I recently gave birth to twins and it was very traumatic. I don't want to talk about the details but I don't want to drip feed either so I'll leave it at it was as awful as it's possible to be without anyone dying. One baby may have disabilities, we don't know yet.

I don't feel like I want visitors. I'm a very private person and I feel like I was robbed of the birth I wanted and my babies first weeks, as we were all in hospital. I want to get to know my babies at home, away from the outside world. I want to sit in my pyjamas cuddling my babies and watching rubbish films, undisturbed. I want to establish our bond and make sure after being in hospital they know I am their mum.

My husband is Asian and it's customary for extended family to stay over, cook for you and help with the babies. People have assumed they will be doing this but it's my idea of hell. I don't want my babies being passed around and I don't want to have to host people or feel I can't relax.

I've told DH but they keep hassling him asking when they can come over. I overheard one person ring him up and lay into me, saying I'm being horrible and I chose to marry an Asian man and should accept this as coming with the territory and that it's not fair of me to upset the family. They also said that they want to bond with my babies and me wanting to bond with them first is selfish and not fair on them.

I know if I agree to visits they won't respect my boundaries. They give unsolicited advice all the time, including criticisms of me for not breastfeeding any more and telling me to go back to work and give the babies to others to look after. I've told DH this really annoys me and i can't be bothered with it while I feel vulnerable, and I want to enjoy my babies while they're little instead of stressing over this.

DH agrees but also feels torn as he knows what's expected and I feel like I'm upsetting him. What compromise can be had here?

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 19/01/2019 10:35

Could you tell them that the hospital have said minimal visitors, due the the risk of infection.

User758172 · 19/01/2019 10:36

You’ve done your best. If they still don’t want to accept your decision after knowing all the difficulties you’ve been through, it’s not because their customs are important, it’s because they’re selfish, self-centred people.

Bluestitch · 19/01/2019 10:36

That's what triggered the phone call saying I was selfish.

Somebody who responds like that to a post outlining what an awful time you've been through isn't someone who is going to be a considerate or helpful visitor. Stick to your guns.

User758172 · 19/01/2019 10:38

I’d wash my hands of the situation. Don’t waste another minute worrying about them. You’ve got better things to be doing. They are your husband’s problem, not yours. Concentrate on you and the babies and let him deal with his family.

Maelstrop · 19/01/2019 10:38

I do think your DH has a point, because you are effectively telling him that he can’t have his family around but you can.

Both sets of gps have been round. Would help if you at least read the OP’s posts.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 10:39

(Not that you'd have to go all in, but presumably you and your husband find a balance between the two that you're both happy with)

We do usually do a mix. My husband isn't a fan of many traditions but we observe Diwali and other festivals and attend most weddings and events. Similarly I'm Irish Catholic by birth, like DH I'm not strict about it but go to mass occasionally and on Christmas Eve. It works for us and we both accept and celebrate each other's traditions.

I asked DH how he would feel if my dad started insisting on making my DH go to mass every week like he does because "he married a Catholic girl" and he said he understood what I was getting at and that he agrees it's annoying but he isn't sure how else we can tell them other than what we've done and doesn't want to cause a row.

OP posts:
Yulebealrite · 19/01/2019 10:40

I agree that when you do eventually do the big family party thing, that you should ask mil to host it.

Coronapop · 19/01/2019 10:41

You sound very sensible and it is good that your DH supports you. Just stick to being as assertive as you can to him about your needs and let him deal with selfish relatives. Both sets of parents have seen the babies, which is as much as any reasonable person could expect given the circumstances. Take you time doing what you feel is right with the babies. DH should ideally tell relatives to stop phoning and say that he will contact them in a few weeks when you feel more comfortable with visits.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/01/2019 10:41

But they absolutely do NOT have your "best interests at heart" - if they did, they'd back the fuck off and let you do what you need to do!

They in no way have YOUR interests at heart, only their own. THEY are the selfish ones for trying to put their own interests above yours.

Perhaps your DH should try telling them that.

IsItThatTimeAgain · 19/01/2019 10:42

It's ridiculous for them to try and act like you're the problem by saying you married an Asian man so should have known what that would entail and just put up shut up.

It cuts both ways.

They knew he married someone from a different culture therefore should have expected things to go differently then it would if his wife was Asian. 🤷🏻‍♀️

PatPhoenix · 19/01/2019 10:42

He doesn't have to cause a row. He just has to look after you and the babies and say as little as possible when people go on at him. Agreed that your MIL is probably your best asset here. Very best wishes for the next few months.

Yulebealrite · 19/01/2019 10:43

There can only be a row if both parties argue. Dh shouldn't argue. He should state his position and give the obvious reasons then just repeat like a broken record "it's not up for negotiation. That is what we have decided and need."

Hiphopopotamous · 19/01/2019 10:43

TBH if they've only been out of NICU less than a week I'd not want lots of visitors anyway in case of germs. Lots of winter bugs going around and people get selfish wanting to see the kids and not thinking about spreading disease.
Maybe you could say that the hospital consultant said to limit people seeing them? A little lie that would give you more time?

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 10:44

They don't realise they're making me feel even less like having them over by doing this because if they can't respect me on this then what else will they try to undermine me on?

OP posts:
Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 10:45

I will be saying they're at risk of bugs and so no one can stay too long and pass them around either.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 19/01/2019 10:48

I think it feels for these relatives that you have had your babies for three months but for you, one of them has only been home for two days, which is nothing.

It is completely understandable that you just want to settle at home for a while.

Bearing in mind you did ask for a compromise I would suggest a visit by maybe three people in two or three weeks time. As a start. And duration specified at the outset ie two hours! Not a day!

But if she is nice, I agree with others to keep mil onside.

Best of luck to you with it all.

Maelstrop · 19/01/2019 10:49

Just say doctors advised few visitors currently due to risk of infection. Who is harassing you? Aunt/uncle/siblings? Definitely get mil on side to tell them where to go.

perfectstorm · 19/01/2019 10:50

You've had both sets of grandparents. You've had a horrific and terrifying start to motherhood. The reality is that the babies' well-being depends on your own, so looking after yourself right now is looking after them, and anyone who can't see that is putting their wants over the babies' needs.

I would talk to your MIL, since she does sound nice, about your concerns. If you're up to it within the next week, I'd have siblings over, if there are any? But just for an afternoon, and explain that you and the babies are still not up to more.

I'd set a date, say in 3 months, for a large family party, if that's doable on cost or practical grounds - is there space at your in-laws? Hire a cheap hall? A Catholic one, if you're feeling petty! That way there can be a celebration and introduction into the family, when everyone is stronger.

I'd also go with immediate family only being medical advice with such fragile babies, for germ control reasons. If anyone argues with that then they are instantly in the wrong!

Mousewithascarf · 19/01/2019 10:50

When DGD came home after being in NICU her consultant advised Dd&DSIL not to take her out till her due date and to put a note on her pram saying she was premature and to please don’t lean in to her pram.

That was in summer so not even cold, flu and norovirus season and he obviously still considered infection a big risk to her then. On the grounds of this being the peak time of year for illness I’d not want extended family visiting and passing the babies around. You’ve had a really rough time of it and haven’t had your babies home long. Keep getting DH to say grandparents only for visits. It’s not what he needs either to keep having to explain and justify the situation but it needs doing for your sake and the babies health. So sorry you’ve been through hell. DD had a hellish twin pregnancy and one was stillborn. The last thing you need after trauma is demanding relatives who can’t grasp just what you’re going through. Put yourselves first and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for doing so Flowers

onedream · 19/01/2019 10:51

Congratulations on your twins, my husband is also Asian and I'm not..when we came home with our first born within 2 hours I had 20 ppl sitting in our living room while struggling with myself on toilet..unfortunately no one asked me how I feel my husband didn't realized at that time how I felt and that this is not norm from where I'm coming from..next following days and weeks I had members of his family coming unannounced, sitting at ours for hours, watching tv, eating food they brought with them..long story short since then we moved to different town and I'm pregnant again..this time I will definitely speak up how I want things to be done..I know they will all want to come and stay overnight as we live a bit far away now but I will be in charge of who is coming and when and if anyone doesn't like it they can you know what..it's my way or no way and I already said that to my husband..
I would advise you to do the same, to be honest, sooner or later they will all come but make sure it's on your terms and when ever you feel ready..I would speak to your husband and your MIL if she looks she is reasonable and try to find a way how to do these visits so everyone is happy and mainly you feel happy with who and when is coming..good luck wish you all the best x

Posterbook · 19/01/2019 10:51

If they practice a whole family approach to raising children and welcoming newborns they genuinely might not see that hosting would be unwelcome. Different culture, but I had a Eritrean friend who was astonished at how much new mums do on their own here, back home pretty much her entire female family moved in when she had her first and it was very much a team effort. Of course there were differences - washing and cooking etc for her back home was not as easy as here, and no such thing as health visitors.

It sounds like you've got a really balanced approach with your family so I hope they can work it out - it's easy for posters to say screw them but you really don't need the stress of family feud on top of everything else! Is there an authority figure if your husbands family you/mil can get on board? Anyone they'll listen to without question? I'm guessing DIL isn't high in the pecking order (regardless of that being wrong, its not something you have control over RN)

perfectstorm · 19/01/2019 10:51

I think it feels for these relatives that you have had your babies for three months but for you, one of them has only been home for two days, which is nothing.

I think this is exactly the problem, yes. I'd try to get MIL to appreciate this one, so she can explain it to them. Effectively, they spent the last three months in a technological womb - not with you in the same meaningful sense they seem to assume. This needs to be your time, now.

perfectstorm · 19/01/2019 10:55

Incidentally, if they're Sikh then it is very hard for your DH to stand up to them, I do get that. There's a big cultural emphasis on respect for elders, is my understanding from a friend married to a traditional Sikh, and for their son to stand up to his uncles and aunts (some of whom won't be blood relations, in his family, but as good as) is really a cultural no-no. So it can get complicated. But... he has to find a way to do so diplomatically, if the situation is like that (sorry if wrong faith here, but it sounds very similar).

perfectstorm · 19/01/2019 10:56

Sorry just saw Diwali was mentioned, so yes, wrong faith! Apologies.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 10:57

Mouse Sorry to hear about your daughters twin. Flowers

I think that they are taking it very personally as if it's a rejection rather than me not wanting anyone really except our own parents. I haven't had friends over and don't want to, so it's nothing personal.

My other issue is they never turn up on time, sometimes three hours late, and stay for ages which is really frustrating when I'm knackered and just want to focus on the children. But me and DH have a codeword that I can slip into conversation and he will make them leave which we will use for when we do have visits.

OP posts: