My Inlaws are pressuring me after I've given birth.

[InlawIssuesAgain]

I recently gave birth to twins and it was very traumatic. I don't want to talk about the details but I don't want to drip feed either so I'll leave it at it was as awful as it's possible to be without anyone dying. One baby may have disabilities, we don't know yet.

I don't feel like I want visitors. I'm a very private person and I feel like I was robbed of the birth I wanted and my babies first weeks, as we were all in hospital. I want to get to know my babies at home, away from the outside world. I want to sit in my pyjamas cuddling my babies and watching rubbish films, undisturbed. I want to establish our bond and make sure after being in hospital they know I am their mum.

My husband is Asian and it's customary for extended family to stay over, cook for you and help with the babies. People have assumed they will be doing this but it's my idea of hell. I don't want my babies being passed around and I don't want to have to host people or feel I can't relax.

I've told DH but they keep hassling him asking when they can come over. I overheard one person ring him up and lay into me, saying I'm being horrible and I chose to marry an Asian man and should accept this as coming with the territory and that it's not fair of me to upset the family. They also said that they want to bond with my babies and me wanting to bond with them first is selfish and not fair on them.

I know if I agree to visits they won't respect my boundaries. They give unsolicited advice all the time, including criticisms of me for not breastfeeding any more and telling me to go back to work and give the babies to others to look after. I've told DH this really annoys me and i can't be bothered with it while I feel vulnerable, and I want to enjoy my babies while they're little instead of stressing over this.

DH agrees but also feels torn as he knows what's expected and I feel like I'm upsetting him. What compromise can be had here?

Seems you've missed the bit where the OP says "In DH's culture, the DIL has to host" then Cherries. Despite you being Indian, sure as anything, your family does not represent ALL Indians, nor the way all Indian/Asian families do things.

planespotting

Op posted this on the first page - "they're 13 weeks tomorrow. Ones been home a week the other two days."

you married an Indian man. Did you really do no research into his family and culture first? Stuff like this sticks especially considering you’re already an outsider.

Could just as easily say he married a non Indian woman. Can you imagine the outrage, and rightly so, if someone white referred to my DH as an "outsider"? Understanding and acceptance goes both ways and people can't just demand that their culture gets to dominate mine or that their culture is more important than my wishes after the birth of my children.

Nothing you've said sounds remotely blended. I don't like people cooking for me. I don't like people hosting parties in my house. I don't like people holding my children when they've been so unwell.

Why is it me who has to change, why can't DHs family compromise, especially as DH isn't even keen on it.

My 2nd cousin married a non-Indian woman who has welcomed my family with open arms blending traditions. She had PND, she had preclamsia but was willing to ask for support from the inlaws and willing to blend cultures — we’ve had 6 day ceremonies and christenings, head shavings etc. She learned how to cook Indian food and has her in laws come to stay for 6 months every year. This cousin’s kids are the first anyone ever remembers — they’re loved and accepted in ways my cousin’s kids aren’t.

Op stick to your guns. The above is frightening.

cherries i can see that is the norm for you and you are ok with it but it's very scary for the rest of us. And yes, it's our way or the highway.

oh well in Indian families we want to go and see the baby so we will, regardless of how the mother feels

Something similar was said on that phone call.

I was quiet and let DH deal with it but told him that if anyone says that to me, or in my own house, or just turns up then I will not be polite and they will be promptly escorted out.

and has her in laws come to stay for 6 months every year
That is one of the scariest things I have ever read on Mumsnet. I just cannot imagine the horror.

It is very very important that after such a traumatic time you are given the space and support to feel ok with your babies. That means that you and you alone decide when you are ready to have other people in your home. What they expect because it's their culture is far less important. You are the mother. So I'm giving you permission here and now to ignore the pressure they are putting you under and do what your instincts tell you is right.

Cherries- do you also have experience of managing the blend of cultures while also negotiating the traumatic birth of twins and your own recovery while the babies are in neonatal intensive care, and coming to terms with the lifelong changes that having a disabled child would bring?

Cultural expectations can be negotiated in due course- when a seriously ill baby has only been home for two days, that's really not the time for extended family members to be making demands.

I’m Asian, as in Indian. It’s customary all over India during the last weeks of your pregnancy to go off to your mums, have baby from mums house, stay there for forty days post partum. You’re meant to stay in bed mostly to recover and bond with baby, you have a masseuse who visits daily for both you and baby.

After the forty days your husband comes for you with gifts from all his family for you and kids (gifts are gold jewellery). And takes you home.

There’s nobody from your in-laws demanding bonding with your baby’s and expecting you to give them your baby. Your dh’s family are lying if they’re of Indian origin.

Cherries your brand of cultural blending sounds very stifling and one way. How come it always seems like the mom Asian is the one that has to fit in

@frazzledasarock - it’s been 12 weeks since the babies were born

Just state your case. Because they were premature, doctors have advised limiting contact with too many people until they are stronger. You are following their advice and will only allow visits from extended family when they are strong enough. Then leave DH to deal with their whinges and tell him not to involve you or discuss their gripes with you. You don’t need the pressure and he should respect that.

My 2nd cousin married a non-Indian woman who has welcomed my family with open arms blending traditions. She had PND, she had preclamsia but was willing to ask for support from the inlaws and willing to blend cultures we’ve had 6 day ceremonies and christenings, head shavings etc. She learned how to cook Indian food and has her in laws come to stay for 6 months every year. This cousin’s kids are the first anyone ever remembers they’re loved and accepted in ways my cousin’s kids aren’t.

I think that your cousin is probably a lot happier and the family life is much more peaceful than your 2nd cousins....

Stand firm and ask your husband to do the same.

This if your baby and your family. You get to make these decisions, not your husbands rude, entitled extended family.

You've offered to have his mother round, like yours comes, because she's isn't rude and entitled. That sounds perfectly reasonable and a good compromise.

Congrats on the twins and I hope they're both doing well.

@Inertia - yes i have. Indian women are more likely to have complications during pregnancy and have signifcantly underweight babies. It’s why most tend to get monitored more often.

@explodingkitten - my cousin is miserable actually.

DH and I take the view that it doesn't matter what ethnicity or religion someone is, you respect them and treat them fairly. Which is why between ourselves, it's never been an issue that we are from different backgrounds. It's only the extended family that take issue with it. My dad is a pretty devout Catholic but he doesn't push it on me and DH and demand that we do as he says, which I respect. Even MIL doesn't do that. What annoys me the most is these are extended relatives!

My partner is Bangladeshi and I found it hard when we first blended families, it was a massive shock with all of our differences. I had my first with him back in April, I had a really traumatic birth, the family organised to come and stay with us and have his head shaved and look after us. I found the whole thing really daunting and was scared it would ruin my bonding and the time I wanted with just me, my dp, ds1 and newborn. It actually turned out to be the nicest experience I’ve ever had, they looked after me, cleaned, cooked, let me nap and I actually really enjoyed seeing my newborn have all these people round loving him and also gave me time to spend some time with my dc1.

I’m someone who is very private, hate hosting and people doing stuff for me and I didn’t want that to change. So it really opened my eyes to a different life I could have and actually really enjoyed.

They should respect your feeling though, the things they have said are unacceptable and inconsiderate but maybe it because they feel pushed aside and are feeling hurt especially as it sounds your babies and yourself were in a lot of danger.

Just to add I have a child from a previous relationship and they all treat him and my my newest and the rest of his cousins exactly the same, they adore them and would never make them feel different because we are white or because one of from a different father.

My babies weren't just underweight Cherries. One had APGARS of 1 at 1,5 and 10 minutes and needed a hell of a lot of awful procedures. That I'm sitting on my sofa with her on me right now is a miracle and I don't want our days together to be a memory that's tainted by other people's selfishness.

you married an Indian man. Did you really do no research into his family and culture first? Stuff like this sticks especially considering you’re already an outsider.

Have they done no research into the risks of infection to premature babies? Culture doesn’t trump medical necessity, and every culture is flexible enough to realise there are exceptions to every rule.

This situation is exceptional and if any family members can’t understand that, they are not worthy of having their feelings/culture taken into consideration.

Pocket That's very interesting that you ended up enjoying it. I could see myself enjoying it later on when the babies are older, just not necessarily now

@Cherries101
It may be 12 weeks since the babies were born, but Op posted this on the first page - "they're 13 weeks tomorrow. Ones been home a week the other two days."
bangs head against wall

There is no legal or moral obligation on you to adopt their ways rather than vice versa. I also like my own company. Why not fix a 1 hour slot for 2 weeks' time when they can come into the living room only to see the babies. Say to your husband if they arrive on time and leave within the hour then you will consider another visit in 2 weeks time.

This is your family and your life.

Our last ones were twins although luckily born at 40 weeks without problems and I wanted peaceful time alone with them. i did go back to work in a couple of weeks but that is working from home so not a big issue and both grandmothers travelled hundreds of miles for an early visit but only for a few hours as they know how hard it is with young children. The grandparents should always take their lead from the mother.

Also if you give an inch now they will take a mile so don't set any precedents for extended long boring stressful visits. If when the twins are bigger your husband wants to take them out to his parents for 3 hours (only) on a weekend afternoon to see his family so you can get 3 hours of sleep then that's fine.

I am Indian and had a NICU baby. After three months in NICU the last thing you want is your baby catching anything and ending up back in hospital. Luckily all of my extended Indian family understood this and stayed away until he was stronger. They are being selfish idiots wanting to visit very sick babies at this time of year.

@InlawIssuesAgain - I understand but this overprotectiveness won’t go away, and having people who care about you will help and foster their relationship with the family. My sil for example stayed with my mum after both babies (growth restriction, severely premature, both babies were around the 1-2 pounds mark). If the babies are tiny your mil can lead the family and demand they not hold etc.