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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Inlaws are pressuring me after I've given birth.

292 replies

InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 09:37

I recently gave birth to twins and it was very traumatic. I don't want to talk about the details but I don't want to drip feed either so I'll leave it at it was as awful as it's possible to be without anyone dying. One baby may have disabilities, we don't know yet.

I don't feel like I want visitors. I'm a very private person and I feel like I was robbed of the birth I wanted and my babies first weeks, as we were all in hospital. I want to get to know my babies at home, away from the outside world. I want to sit in my pyjamas cuddling my babies and watching rubbish films, undisturbed. I want to establish our bond and make sure after being in hospital they know I am their mum.

My husband is Asian and it's customary for extended family to stay over, cook for you and help with the babies. People have assumed they will be doing this but it's my idea of hell. I don't want my babies being passed around and I don't want to have to host people or feel I can't relax.

I've told DH but they keep hassling him asking when they can come over. I overheard one person ring him up and lay into me, saying I'm being horrible and I chose to marry an Asian man and should accept this as coming with the territory and that it's not fair of me to upset the family. They also said that they want to bond with my babies and me wanting to bond with them first is selfish and not fair on them.

I know if I agree to visits they won't respect my boundaries. They give unsolicited advice all the time, including criticisms of me for not breastfeeding any more and telling me to go back to work and give the babies to others to look after. I've told DH this really annoys me and i can't be bothered with it while I feel vulnerable, and I want to enjoy my babies while they're little instead of stressing over this.

DH agrees but also feels torn as he knows what's expected and I feel like I'm upsetting him. What compromise can be had here?

OP posts:
explodingkitten · 19/01/2019 10:16

I'd be tempted to go NC with the ones laying it in to you tbh. Fuck that "you married an asian" shit. He married a european, so equally they need to understand that.

RangeRider · 19/01/2019 10:17

I appreciate that but I don't want free childcare or anyone passing the babies around as I want to get to know them. I didn't have children so someone else could have them.
Yes, but think of all those £50 notes you're missing out on Hmm

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/01/2019 10:17

I would talk more to PILs and try to get them to "gatekeep" this situation for you.
YANBU at all - you are in the right of it, and they are YOUR babies, not the extended family's.
Your DH doesn't do much in the way of traditional things by the sound of it, so he doesn't need to bow to the pressure now either.

There will be time for them to see your children WHEN you are ready and WHEN they've been at home for longer than they have.

Hopefully your MIL will be able to help you out with stopping the pressure.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 10:18

DH has stuck up for me to them but they keep repeatedly harassing us about it.

I pointed out that equally he married out of his culture too, so I don't see why I should have to sacrifice everything.

OP posts:
User758172 · 19/01/2019 10:18

Your DH needs to be your adversary here. He needs to be the gatekeeper. You shouldn’t have to be worrying over his family - that’s his job, not yours. You’ve been through a terrible time and have every right to enjoy your babies in peace. Whatever it’s customary for his family to do, that comes secondary to your needs and those of your babies. They know you’re home and safe now - they should leave you in peace.

If they have problems with that - let him deal with them. It’s not your responsibility. Don’t be railroaded into doing anything you don’t want to do. This time is so precious and you don’t want to look back with regret.

Congratulations! Flowers

Jayfee · 19/01/2019 10:21

I completely agree with you. You need to feel relaxed and safe now and not have to deal with this pressure.

AwdBovril · 19/01/2019 10:22

Your DH married someone from from your culture, so he should respect your cultural norms & needs, too. Has anyone pointed that out to them?

AwdBovril · 19/01/2019 10:22

Ah, X-post. What did they say to that?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/01/2019 10:23

He should stop answering the phone to them then - but this is where your MIL could step in and tell these relatives to bloody well leave you both alone.
It's ridiculously entitled of them to think that their "rights" to see the babies override your needs as a little family.

Angrybird345 · 19/01/2019 10:24

The culture aspect is bollocks - sorry. You do what suits you, you have had the short time with delivery and NICU etc, followed by your DH.

I would get MIL over and get your DH, or midwife, to reinforce the need for few visitors etc at the moment.

Could you schedule a time for family to come over then have a friend pose as a midwife to visit and chuck them all out?

Hope you stay strong.

flumpybear · 19/01/2019 10:24

YouR DH needs to step up here. Are your babies even meant to be having a bit 'party' so early? Sounds like lots of bugs to me!
Perhaps you could invite your mum and MiL to host a small gathering of close family members from both sides - no kissing and have your mum and MIL ensure they act as gate keepers when you/your husband need to slope off with them to sleep etc?

category12 · 19/01/2019 10:24

It goes both ways - you married someone of an Asian culture, but he married someone of a British culture. It is not the case that his should trump yours. I would stick to your guns for now, but maybe plan for some sort of compromise stay-over weekend visit in a month or two's time.

sophiec123 · 19/01/2019 10:24

If they are harassing you about it, I'd just simply be honest! A big weight off your shoulders! Text his mum and say "feel free to come and meet the babies but I would prefer if you came on your own"

Text the other family members and say "hi guys I know you're all super excited to come and help me out and meet the babies and I do really appreciate it but I would like to have a couple of weeks just sorting myself out and the babies, as they haven't been home for longer than a week"

If they don't accept this or complain then win win, you don't have to see them

ehohtinkywinky · 19/01/2019 10:26

Sorry for all you've been through. Extended family are not a priority right now.

I would ensure the PIL don't feel left out (whilst giving yourself the time and space you need firstly) and ignore the rest.

User758172 · 19/01/2019 10:27

they keep repeatedly harassing us about it

By phone, by text? Ignore the calls, ignore the messages. Your DH needs to deal with this - not you. Seriously. His family - his problem.

Unbelievable behaviour on their part. Total selfishness. I’m astounded that anyone would hound a new mother like this in the name of their customs. It’s inexcusable! Shock

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 10:28

Just that they had my best interests at heart and can help me and that it isn't fair for me to upset them.

OP posts:
bigspagbol · 19/01/2019 10:30

Deepest sympathies. I was in your position after the birth of my twins 11 months ago! I didn't have a traumatic birth mind you , but having a baby is a big deal and I understand you want to relax.

YANBU. I think it's selfish to want to come over you don't want visitors.

Now they are "harder" work we have to ask people to come over.

Tell them to fuck off or just stay in your bedroom when they come over. Annoying.

In all seriousness, they are excited to see your babies, but they should control this urge and put the mother, and therefore the children first.

Maybe schedule a time, get it over and done with and enjoy the rest of your day then. Might be easier. But YANBU.

User758172 · 19/01/2019 10:31

But they don’t mind upsetting you, the new mother who’s been through a tough time? Alrighty Hmm

danceyourselfsilly · 19/01/2019 10:31

Sending you hugs OP so sorry you are going through this.
DH needs to get his parents to deal with these family members in no uncertain terms. Get him to step up asap! and you carry on doing a brilliant job with your babies. Good luck xx

medusa83 · 19/01/2019 10:31

Are you living in the UK OP? If so then your DHs family should have at least some understanding of British cultural norms and your DH should tell them to be more accommodating. Maybe explain that what they see as being supportive is very stressful for you as you just want go be left alone.

Agree with the poster explaining you've had a traumatic time, that you have had very little time to bond and you need to do so privately, but this won't be forever, and you will be in touch when ready.

StylishMummy · 19/01/2019 10:31

@InlawIssuesAgain firstly, you have my absolute sympathies for a horrific birth and extended NICU stay, I've had 2 severely prem girls and they were both nearly 3 months old before they came home. We alllwed immediate family ONLY for the first fortnight and only 1-2 hours at a time. Then by invitation only did we invite friends and extended family. We also checked everyone was 'well' and had washed their hands. We had eye rolling and tutting and being called precious but none of these people had had babies in NICU. It's traumatic and my babies didn't feel like 'mine' until they'd been home for several weeks.

You do what's right for you and your babies, ignore the fucking stupid in-laws! You, DH and DTs matter now

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 10:32

I put a post on my Facebook outlining some of the difficulties I and the children had and that for this reason, we hope people can understand and respect our privacy in the coming weeks and be patient with us.

That's what triggered the phone call saying I was selfish.

OP posts:
Posterbook · 19/01/2019 10:34

Another vote for getting MIL on side. Get MIL and PIL to lay the law with family that its a medical reason not to have lots of visitors. Medical authority carries weight and is harder for them to argue with.

I can't help but wonder if you're being treated a bit differently because you're non-asian, ie the issue of them being in NICU etc has been overlooked and family are quick to assume you're saying no because they think you're going to ignore their family norms. (Not that you'd have to go all in, but presumably you and your husband find a balance between the two that you're both happy with). Im not suggesting his family would do that intentionally but they might be looking for slights that aren't there, if you see what I mean.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 10:34

Stylish people don't get what's it's like having babies in the nicu unless they've experienced it do they? It's hard to explain.

OP posts:
ThanosSavedMe · 19/01/2019 10:35

Screw them.

The grandparents on both sides have seen the babies. The babies have not been well, you’ve not been well. Screw the rest of them. I would tell them that the longer they harass you, the longer it will be before they’re invited.

When you’re ready to see them, I would recommend somewhere neautral. Not your home so no one has to host. Or if you feel that adds even more pressure, your dh can host and if anyone says anything, chuck them out.

It won’t be easy as you are obviously not rude and uncaring like these people. But give them a taste of what they’re giving you and dh.

Congratulations on your babies, I hope you can start enjoying them and all those glorious baby snuggles.

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