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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Inlaws are pressuring me after I've given birth.

292 replies

InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 09:37

I recently gave birth to twins and it was very traumatic. I don't want to talk about the details but I don't want to drip feed either so I'll leave it at it was as awful as it's possible to be without anyone dying. One baby may have disabilities, we don't know yet.

I don't feel like I want visitors. I'm a very private person and I feel like I was robbed of the birth I wanted and my babies first weeks, as we were all in hospital. I want to get to know my babies at home, away from the outside world. I want to sit in my pyjamas cuddling my babies and watching rubbish films, undisturbed. I want to establish our bond and make sure after being in hospital they know I am their mum.

My husband is Asian and it's customary for extended family to stay over, cook for you and help with the babies. People have assumed they will be doing this but it's my idea of hell. I don't want my babies being passed around and I don't want to have to host people or feel I can't relax.

I've told DH but they keep hassling him asking when they can come over. I overheard one person ring him up and lay into me, saying I'm being horrible and I chose to marry an Asian man and should accept this as coming with the territory and that it's not fair of me to upset the family. They also said that they want to bond with my babies and me wanting to bond with them first is selfish and not fair on them.

I know if I agree to visits they won't respect my boundaries. They give unsolicited advice all the time, including criticisms of me for not breastfeeding any more and telling me to go back to work and give the babies to others to look after. I've told DH this really annoys me and i can't be bothered with it while I feel vulnerable, and I want to enjoy my babies while they're little instead of stressing over this.

DH agrees but also feels torn as he knows what's expected and I feel like I'm upsetting him. What compromise can be had here?

OP posts:
CountFosco · 19/01/2019 09:59

I'd get your PILs to deal with them since you get on well with them. If they and you and DH present a united front it will have to be listened to.

You were a patient too and have been through an upsetting situation. This is not a 'normal' birth situation and you should be cut some slack by the extended family.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 19/01/2019 09:59

I think getting both your MIL and DM over to talk about this issue with you and your OH would be a good idea. So that everyone is on the same page and can help support you with your needs, and liaise with the extended family. Because what they're doing is wrong and is causing you unnecessary stress

RangeRider · 19/01/2019 09:59

Ones been home a week the other two days.
At this point the usual 'No is a complete sentence' should be replaced by 'Fuck off is a complete sentence. And they need to understand that DH married a non-Asian woman so he and they need to accept that this comes with the territory. Your babies aren't a commodity, they're 2 little living creatures that have had a really tough start to their lives. They and you come first. Not the 'this is how we do it in our family' brigade. Invite who you want round - DM, DMIL, everyone, nobody. It's up to you & DH as a unit - and if one of you says no then it's a no. Bugger them.

kilburnfrenchie · 19/01/2019 09:59

Sorry you’ve had such a tough start.
in about 2 mins someone will come along and tell you that the only thing that matters is what you want because you are mum. But you’ve asked for compromise ideas- which means everyone gets a bit of what they want so you need to give a bit.
I would suggest let them come once or twice a week for an afternoon and let them cook/ bring food/ pass babies around/ make all the nonsense comments about everything you are doing wrong in their books. Go have a shower/ nap if you feel like it while they are there. If one or other baby needs to feed/ needs a break take them. Don’t feel the need to host- tell
DH to do that or tell them that you are not feeling up to it. And don’t take what they say to heart. They think you should feed more- ah well. They think the babies are too hot/ too cold whatever- ah well. You are mum- you decide. What they say is water off a ducks back.
Once they have gone have a laugh with DH about it and the ridiculous stuff they said / did and enjoy the remaining 5 full days and 2 half days of the week and do what you want to do- rubbish movies/ pyjamas/ cuddles etc.

OfficeSlave · 19/01/2019 09:59

I would feel exactly the same, having people you have to host is exhausting. You've just been through something traunatic and you deserve to relax, enjoy your babies, and have some head space to breathe. They need to get a grip and get some respect. Explain to MIL if needed, how you feel and why. It is YOUR choice, your house, your body, your children, your right to be in peace and acclimate. You have every right to just 'be' after a major life event. Keep talking with your husband, let him know you know this is hard on him and that you appreciate him holding your corner and sticking up for you.

This will be good in instilling boundaries with these relatives for the future. Do not accept any guilt trips from them.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 10:01

Florentina it's so horrible! My mum is very understanding because she had a huge PPH with me, and got separated from me after birth because she had to have emergency surgery and leave me with my dad. She developed PND because of it and never had any more children as it was so bad. So she understands how I feel.

Extended inlaws have mostly had normal births and don't get it.

OP posts:
sackrifice · 19/01/2019 10:02

He married a non-Asian so they have to accept that you have your customs. And one of those customs is making your own decisions about your own babies.

I'd tell your husband to tell them to back off or you will keep a log and each person that asks gets another week added onto the time when you feel ready to come out of your baby bonding hibernation before they see the babies.

FenellaMaxwell · 19/01/2019 10:03

Well that’s fine then! You have been back all of 5 mins. Just say “we’d love to see you, still finding our feet and the babies are sill vulnerable to infection at the moment. How about 3 weeks on Saturday?” Or something?

ChoccyBiccyTastic · 19/01/2019 10:04

Agree, try and turn MiL into your advocate, if you can. Let her into the 'inner sanctum', and see if you can get her to tell everyone else to get stuffed. Set a date in a couple of months for an official 'meeting party'. Maybe MiL could host and save you the washing up?

Flowers for the traumatic birth and congrats & best wishes for your little ones.

kilburnfrenchie · 19/01/2019 10:04

Sorry just saw that one baby has only been home 2 days! Agree about using MIL to help organise/ police! And suggest setting a date for a visit in a 2 / 3 weeks for extended family. Then they can plan for that & leave you alone meanwhile.

Cherries101 · 19/01/2019 10:04

You’re really missing out by not having your DH’s Asian family around. Asian mils tend to go overboard in terms of free childcare, will cook and clean for you, families will give £50 notes like candy etc for the first time they see your kids. Your mil would have done this for the rest of the family and would want you to experience it too — it’s a concept of ‘give and take’ relations. It’s even perfectly okay if you want to stay in bed as it’s the kids they’ll want to see.

I agree with your DP. If you have your mum around it’s not fair that he can’t have his mum around the kids. You either need to facilitate contact with both or reduce contact with your mum because at the moment it’s highly unfair.

Bluestitch · 19/01/2019 10:05

Make sure your husband knows that being denied some breathing space and the chance to bond after everything you've been through is a huge risk factor for you getting PND and that your mental health is more important than relatives getting to pass your babies round.

Cherries101 · 19/01/2019 10:06

Also you wouldn’t necessarily be aware if any of the Asian side had problem births or PND because it’s often considered a private thing and if discussed is only discussed amongst women.

newcamper · 19/01/2019 10:06

I had the same thing with PIL expecting to stay and help. I also had traumatic birth. I did not want it. Hubby had to tell her, very clearly, that we were not ready for that. She came for day visits but not overnight. I was worried she would hold it against me but at the end of the day, this was my experience not hers. She got over it. I love everything to do with my children having different cultural backgrounds but will not accept something that doesn't feel right.

Your MIL will LOVE the babies and will get to know them over time. She does not need to be resident now and your hubby needs to take this on for you. He needs to explain and lift that burden for you.

Poppylizzyrose · 19/01/2019 10:07

They need to respect your wishes. What about your bond with the twins? You have to care for them 24 hours a day. I’d go down the germs route though and try and put it kindly. I love having help with my one dd! Don’t burn bridges with a family that does sound like they’d help you out in future. I do think they need to wait though.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 19/01/2019 10:08

Can you dh set up Skype? You don't have to be visible but if they want to 'see' the dc they can. Your health, mentally +physical is more important right now than customs. Your dh needs to tell them that. If he isn't practising he is a hypocrite imo.

glenthebattleostrich · 19/01/2019 10:08

Bollocks cherries. Also try reading, both grandma's have been to visit.

If they want you to show respect to their culture they need to give some respect back. When they bring up the culture thing turn it around. Why is it their cultural norms must be followed, what about yours? Why can't they adapt to yours, after all your husband chose to marry a non Asian woman.

It just tell them to fuck off, your babies are only just home and they can visit when you invite them, have a little consideration for what your family have been through and back off. It they can not meet your children and have a very limited relationship with them.

Bluestitch · 19/01/2019 10:10

It’s even perfectly okay if you want to stay in bed as it’s the kids they’ll want to see.

OP doesn't want to be away from her babies! She makes it very clear in her OP that she is desperate for time to bond after they've spent so long in hospital. And apart from the fact that she says her MIL has met them and is welcome, there is nothing wrong with a new mother wanting her own mum around more in the early days. You call it highly unfair, childbirth isn't fair and equal.

mummmy2017 · 19/01/2019 10:10

Get your in laws on side.
Explain that the germs are too much too risk, get your MIL to stand up for you and how the baby safety must come first.

Yulebealrite · 19/01/2019 10:10

I normally think it's a bit ridiculous and precious to exclude everybody like some mumsnetters seem to want, however the grandparents are included in your case and even if they weren't, given your circumstances it's not unreasonable to need time and space to sort yourselves out. You've gone through hell and need to adapt to everyday life without added pressures. Just be calm but assertive. Get mil on board too.
Yes you've married into their culture but he's also married into yours. This shouldn't be about culture though. It's about what you actually need right now.

SnuggyBuggy · 19/01/2019 10:11

The level of entitlement some people have towards other people's babies never ceases to amaze me

user1474894224 · 19/01/2019 10:12

2 days you have had one baby back!! 2 days. Of course you don't want to host. Just say no. Let mil and fil come and take photos so they can boast. Then set a date when extended family can meet the babies (could you arrange for this to happen at mil house? So you can turn up for a couple of hours and then leave.... My OH is Chinese and we have a 1 month celebration. You may not feel ready by then....so set a date that makes you happy.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 10:12

Cherries I appreciate that but I don't want free childcare or anyone passing the babies around as I want to get to know them. I didn't have children so someone else could have them.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 19/01/2019 10:15

I'd use MIL as your secret weapon. Let her know that you consider her to be part of the 'inner sanctum' and ask her to be a co-gatekeeper with your DH.
Maybe, if you feel up to it, ask her to host an afternoon where you bring the babies to her house for a max of 4 extended relatives to meet? This could be in 2/3 weeks time, when your babies are stronger and better equipped for all of the attention.
It's vital that you and the babies get strong together. If that means a few more weeks of peaceful solitude then that's what must be.

Prickle2 · 19/01/2019 10:15

Your husband needs to grow some balls and put his wife first ahead of his interfering family. Who cares what his family thinks, your wishes are more important here.