My Inlaws are pressuring me after I've given birth.

[InlawIssuesAgain]

I recently gave birth to twins and it was very traumatic. I don't want to talk about the details but I don't want to drip feed either so I'll leave it at it was as awful as it's possible to be without anyone dying. One baby may have disabilities, we don't know yet.

I don't feel like I want visitors. I'm a very private person and I feel like I was robbed of the birth I wanted and my babies first weeks, as we were all in hospital. I want to get to know my babies at home, away from the outside world. I want to sit in my pyjamas cuddling my babies and watching rubbish films, undisturbed. I want to establish our bond and make sure after being in hospital they know I am their mum.

My husband is Asian and it's customary for extended family to stay over, cook for you and help with the babies. People have assumed they will be doing this but it's my idea of hell. I don't want my babies being passed around and I don't want to have to host people or feel I can't relax.

I've told DH but they keep hassling him asking when they can come over. I overheard one person ring him up and lay into me, saying I'm being horrible and I chose to marry an Asian man and should accept this as coming with the territory and that it's not fair of me to upset the family. They also said that they want to bond with my babies and me wanting to bond with them first is selfish and not fair on them.

I know if I agree to visits they won't respect my boundaries. They give unsolicited advice all the time, including criticisms of me for not breastfeeding any more and telling me to go back to work and give the babies to others to look after. I've told DH this really annoys me and i can't be bothered with it while I feel vulnerable, and I want to enjoy my babies while they're little instead of stressing over this.

DH agrees but also feels torn as he knows what's expected and I feel like I'm upsetting him. What compromise can be had here?

Stick to your guns. This is your time to bond with your babies. You can never get this time back so do it exactly the way you want.

Ignore culture and traditions. I'm Irish catholic too and it's very traditional to have family close. Visiting constantly while you make them endless cups of tea.

Let them all fuck off.

Your babies. Your choice. Your life.

Don't feel guilty for wanting some time alone to cuddle your babies. No one else has just lived through what you did.

You might feel like welcoming everyone in a week or two. Or you might not.

Your choice

Actually I think it would be a good idea to call your mum and ask her to come and stay with you, rather than you moving yourself, 2 babies and all the paraphernalia associated with that. Your MIL will still be welcome to come and visit too of course (as she's been reasonable) but your DH can either support you or go back to his parents, as he appears to have started to be part of the problem. :(

You really shouldn't have to deal with this level of stress at this time - it's awful that it's still happening. I totally agree with you telling your MW or HV about it - and switching phones off would be a really good plan as well!

Canadian hugs 🤗. Get MIL on your side and get her to tell the extended family to leave you alone! That the babies have strict orders to have minimal contact with people by the Dr due to flu and cold season. That down the road you are more the will I g to have a xyz function IF they back the f’ off.

Cuddle and love on your babies. Do the same with your DH. You guys, especially you have been through a very stressful time. Put your phones on DND and change the message to “ as per medical advice we are hunkering down with our littles. If this is an emergency please text and we we’ll get back to you as soon as we can.”

Ask your mom and MIL for help as needed and wanted.

Ask your HV and GPfor help regarding your stressful birth and the babies nicu stay. It’s better to deal with potential PTSD issues or other mental health issues early then let them fester.

Last but definitely not least, give yourself grace. It’s been a tough few months. You finally have both babies home. Be kind to yourself and your spouse. Remember to do small things just because. To be gentle with yourself a and kind to yourselves.

What Asian culture is this?
Most Asian mothers I know are left to bond with their babies while family cooks and cleans etc.

And who are the extended family?
If my brother’s wife had just given birth to their baby, I’d be really sad at not being able to just pop in and see my little niece or nephew for weeks.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound unsympathetic. It sounds like the op has had a really difficult time.

I'm Asian and i didn't want people to visit until babies were 12 weeks. I just told people no. Tell your MIL that the babies are at risk of getting very ill with too many visitors. Doctors orders!
She can and will help you. Your DH is being pathetic so leave it to her.
Also you don't host when visitors come. Culturally your MIL and husbands sister in laws do that as you traditionally you would live together.

I had an Asian Dp, I have many Asian friends and I've never heard of family wanting to come over and stay after having a baby.
I do know whenever I've been to see a friends baby that usually the mother or mother in law is there to host the visitors so that the new mum can rest.
I don't think you should be expected to host, what would you think of giving them an hour to come over see you and then leave?
it is a compromise on both parts and seems fair?
Tell DH he will need to lay down the rules and say babies are still not well and so only an hour to come see them.
My exdp and I are still friends and I went to see his newborn with my DH, his baby wasn't doing too well and the extended family were there making sure the new mum got her rest and that we peeked in to see the baby then the sil took us downstairs to have a cup of tea and then we left.
I fully understand that you're the new mum and want time with your babies but it seems like this situation may make a permanent dent in your relationship with in laws. Make sure DH or MIL know that guests are only to stay and hour and say that if not then next time you won't be willing to compromise at all.
When I had my babies I stayed upstairs when people visited and DH either took baby down for literally no longer than ten mins or it was someone I was comfortable with they came and sat with me for a bit while my MIL made tea and coffee but I do appreciate that I did have a different situation to you.

And who are the extended family? If my brother’s wife had just given birth to their baby, I’d be really sad at not being able to just pop in and see my little niece or nephew for weeks.

The emotional well-being of a new Mother and the health of her vulnerable baby takes so much more precedence than people feeling sad for fucks sake.

Knittedgnome well of course it does but I don’t see why ops dh can’t introduce his children to his own family? Does he have no rights at all?
Fair enough, you don’t need to host and have all and sundry come and visit but if her dh wishes his family to meet his children then there may be a compromise.

If my brother’s wife had just given birth to their baby, I’d be really sad at not being able to just pop in and see my little niece or nephew for weeks

Tell you what, when you go through an horrific birth, have two dangerously prem babies and have only just got them home, have a think about whose feelings count. FFS!

So you think that the OP, who has went through the very difficult birth and is most likely very distressed at being parted with her babies, should ignore her feelings, in order price that fathers have rights too? What kind of man would put his ‘rights’ before the feelings of his wife, under these circumstances, just to please extended family. Any man that would behave in such a manner would completely lose any respect I’d have for him.

*in order to prove.

I actually did go through a traumatic birth where I nearly died. My baby was taken into special care and I was in a high dependency unit for a week. Poor dh was traumatised and my toddler missed me and really upset.

I was glad of dh’s family supporting him and my toddler and they wanted to see the new baby.
I was more than fine with it even though I didn’t want to be bothered by visitors myself.

Of course it’s not the same situation as the ops and I’m just giving my opinion like everyone else here.
No need for people to get riled

Of course it’s not the same situation as the ops

Exactly! What worked for you, doesn’t work for her, so why can’t you see that, instead of guilting her about the father’s ‘rights’. I’m honestly shocked that you don’t have more empathy.

I do have empathy and I know that an experience like this can really affect you. The mother and babies should be utmost priority.
I’m just trying to put across the view that the babies’ family may want to just meet the babies. This family could have been worried and just as involved with op’s dh, offering support. Or they may not have been. I don’t know.
That’s all I’m doing - offering a viewpoint but it’s the viewpoint of op and her dh that matters and if they can come to a compromise.

Crikey, I have read the whole thread OP and I think you should
(a) get off MN for a while as this thread has some batshit crazy ideas on it
(b) reconnect with your DH, who until now has been very supportive - keep acting like a team
(c) ask your MIL to spread the 'Doctors orders' word, she sounds great

Race aside, this sounds like any overbearing extended family. Don't let it turn into a racial problem, think of it just as a 'some family members are idiots' problem, and you'll face up to it much better. Otherwise you'll get bogged down in the kind of idiocy Cherries is talking about.

Best of luck

OP stick to your guns. You won’t get this time back. If your relationship with the extended family takes a hit, then it will be worth it because you need this time with your babies. You can repair the relationship with OH’s family later but for now that can’t be your priority. Good luck