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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Inlaws are pressuring me after I've given birth.

292 replies

InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 09:37

I recently gave birth to twins and it was very traumatic. I don't want to talk about the details but I don't want to drip feed either so I'll leave it at it was as awful as it's possible to be without anyone dying. One baby may have disabilities, we don't know yet.

I don't feel like I want visitors. I'm a very private person and I feel like I was robbed of the birth I wanted and my babies first weeks, as we were all in hospital. I want to get to know my babies at home, away from the outside world. I want to sit in my pyjamas cuddling my babies and watching rubbish films, undisturbed. I want to establish our bond and make sure after being in hospital they know I am their mum.

My husband is Asian and it's customary for extended family to stay over, cook for you and help with the babies. People have assumed they will be doing this but it's my idea of hell. I don't want my babies being passed around and I don't want to have to host people or feel I can't relax.

I've told DH but they keep hassling him asking when they can come over. I overheard one person ring him up and lay into me, saying I'm being horrible and I chose to marry an Asian man and should accept this as coming with the territory and that it's not fair of me to upset the family. They also said that they want to bond with my babies and me wanting to bond with them first is selfish and not fair on them.

I know if I agree to visits they won't respect my boundaries. They give unsolicited advice all the time, including criticisms of me for not breastfeeding any more and telling me to go back to work and give the babies to others to look after. I've told DH this really annoys me and i can't be bothered with it while I feel vulnerable, and I want to enjoy my babies while they're little instead of stressing over this.

DH agrees but also feels torn as he knows what's expected and I feel like I'm upsetting him. What compromise can be had here?

OP posts:
SalemTheBlackCat · 20/01/2019 08:55

@Cherries101 Firstly, she said Asian, not Indian. Regardless, that is disgusting attitude you have and I am so glad that I am not in your family. Unfortunately some cultures from countries that are third world don't have the same humanitarian and sense that others such as English and Europeans do. Maybe the OP's family and yours could learn from this. The MOTHER and babies should always come FIRST! Extended family does not have ANY rights to see the baby/ies. You and the OP's family are being barbaric, primitive and self-centred. If getting 'help' means I must put up with self-centred people who don't give a flying beep about how I feel, my welfare, the health and wellbeing of my children, I would rather not take your 'help' at all, if it is based on such self-centred pre-conditions. I gather the mother lives in the UK, and if you do too, perhaps learning how things are done best can perhaps help your family change and evolve for the better. I cannot believe you think extended family (who can see the baby on birthdays and Christmases etc) should rank higher than the wellbeing of MOTHER AND CHILD. What a selfish, backward and barbaric tradition that is, one that needs to be stamped out imo. Any extended family who barged over me to see my baby would be banned from my house, so if they wanted to shun me back they would be more than welcome to until they learn how to behave like civilised human beings. They wouldn't need to shun me because they would get one chance and that's it. They either behave like civilised human beings in a European country and see the baby when I, the MOTHER, says it's ok, or they are banned from my house if they can't set aside their barbaric and self-centred disgusting behaviour and attitudes.

SalemTheBlackCat · 20/01/2019 09:01

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BunsOfAnarchy · 20/01/2019 09:17

My husband is Asian and it's customary for extended family to stay over, cook for you and help with the babies
in DHs culture, the DIL has to host the extended family.

Erm, what? Ive bever heard of a dil being expected to host post birth?! Ive also never heard of extended family staying over?!
Im Asian. All i know is we're not supposed to leave the house for 5 weeks ish so mum and baby can recover. And those 5/6 weeks should be as little visitors as possible as baby needs to as close as possible to mum at all times and need skin on skin with their mum.
I only had my mum around (MIL unfortunately passed 18 months before i gave birth). I didnt drive for 6 weeks. I said no to visitors barring immediate family now and again for this whole duration.

Get your MIL over and your DM. F everyone else. And get MiL to sort her extended family out.

GunpowderGelatine · 20/01/2019 09:20

I detest it when people think cultural traditions give them the right to stamp all over the feelings and needs of a person. OP you are vulnerable, a new mum and have just gone through a major medical trauma, YOU are the most important person here and you have every right to refuse visitors. They'll have another 18 years to bond with the baby, be kind to yourself and be insistent that visitors come o YOUR terms. I hate that people think they're visiting a new baby - no, you're visiting the mum too, she isn't just a vessel to be tossed aside once baby is born, have some respect.

BunsOfAnarchy · 20/01/2019 09:20

@SalemTheBlackCat
Calm the fuck down. You really are teetering on the edge of ignorance in your posts

GunpowderGelatine · 20/01/2019 09:21

both parties are equal

They're really not, not when one has pushed two babies out or had surgery and is vulnerable, hormonal etc. The men can sit their arses down for this one

KoshaMangsho · 20/01/2019 09:23

Yes no DIL is expected to host post birth. Everyone is expected to do things FOR the post partum woman. My MIL and DM cooked, cleaned, washed, shopped and made me endless cups of tea. After both births I stayed in bed and lazed for a good month just feeding and occasionally taking a walk (both winter babies). If people came then MIL and DM handled them, fed them, I would come out for a bit, chat, hold up the baby and disappear to feed again. Moreover every day they would hold my baby so I could have a couple of good naps and then both would go to bed early and be up at 5 am and take over again. I remain v grateful for that support. So many of my (non asian) friends had husbands who had to go back to work at 2 weeks and were then left all alone, bleeding, leaking milk, in pain having to cope with their newborn or with a newborn and a second child. I can barely comprehend having to do that because I was so spoilt.

Holidayshopping · 20/01/2019 09:28

OP-How does it work in your DH’s culture when there is both a mother and a mother in law nearby? Do they both move in-with all manner of extended families or does the mother get priority and the MIL take a back seat?

If so, can they accept that your mother is providing all the support you need so they need to take a back seat?

AnotherEmma · 20/01/2019 09:44

Congratulations on the birth of your babies and I'm sorry it was a traumatic birth and difficult start. I hope they go from strength to strength.

Difficult in laws are stressful at the best of times and unfortunately they tend to make tough situations even harder! But FWIW I think you're doing admirably well, you are being reasonable and assertive, and the good thing is that your DH is sticking up for you even though it's difficult for him.

Some advice though - it sounds as if he is trying to justify, argue, defend. He needs to stop doing that, stop engaging with them. Just tell them what you and he have decided, end of discussion. Repeat if necessary.

"I overheard one person ring him up and lay into me, saying I'm being horrible and I chose to marry an Asian man and should accept this as coming with the territory and that it's not fair of me to upset the family. They also said that they want to bond with my babies and me wanting to bond with them first is selfish and not fair on them."

Who is this person, by the way? I think I'd want to make sure that person was the last to be invited over and meet the babies!

Your PILs have visited and met them so you're not excluding the people who really matter.

Anyway, hope you can enjoy this time with your precious babies. Putting phones on DND is a good idea!

SnuggyBuggy · 20/01/2019 09:44

Something being cultural doesn't make it right

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 20/01/2019 09:51

@perfectstorm Thank you! Just trying to offer a bit of support to this poor lady.

Tellem2 · 20/01/2019 10:04

@SalemTheBlackCat cue on the coloniser mentality... Tell us more about how they are 'uncivilised' Hmm

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 20/01/2019 13:42

Well today's the day I finally cracked and ended up bursting into tears outside my house in my dressing gown. Don't know how much more i can take.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/01/2019 13:47

Oh that's not good, Inlaw - did people turn up to your house despite everything?

Wordthe · 20/01/2019 13:53

That sounds very distressing, you must do everything you can to protect yourself

Wordthe · 20/01/2019 13:57

the problem is that when a culture is patriarchal and based on reverence for the elders it therefore follows that the youngest females matter the least

that's why you have been branded as selfish for wanting to bond with your children before the extended family has a chance to, this is seen as a inferior person (ie you) putting herself above the wishes of the superiors and it must not be allowed, it's a threat to their entire mindset

AnotherEmma · 20/01/2019 14:13
Flowers

What happened?

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 20/01/2019 14:16

Argued with DH and don't feel like he's o. My side even though he says he is. Feel isolated and alone. Like no one is listening to me.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 20/01/2019 14:23

Sad Flowers
Can you spend an hour or two with your mum or someone else who gets it and is completely on your side?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 20/01/2019 14:24

It sounds like staying with the wife’s mother for a few days is normal in this type of circumstance for Asian culture.

Can you and the babies go and stay with your mum for a few days? Hopefully with your husband too but right now you need someone you are confident is on your side to be your “gatekeeper”.

Wordthe · 20/01/2019 16:46

you shouldn't have to play tug-of war-with your in laws to get your husband's loyalty

Gazelda · 20/01/2019 16:53

Give your HV a call in the morning. Tell her how things are.

I bet she'll be 'instructing' you to look after yourself and the babies and let everyone else stew in the upset of their own making.

She'll be telling you that your dh needs to tell his family to back off.

She'll tell you to unplug your phone and to put a note on your front door 'newborn babies sleeping, please do not knock (no visitors).

She'll tell you that no one else matters except you 4 and that unless your dh starts backing you up and dealing with this on your behalf, he risks his wife developing PND. He should be putting your needs before anyone else's and insisting that his family respect your wishes.

OnceInARedMoon · 20/01/2019 17:55

Omg! What kind of extended family are we talking about here... your dhs siblings or aunts, uncles and cousins?
The person who ripped into you wouldn't be welcome in my home full stop ever if I was you!

Oh you poor love, can you ask your mum or mil for help? Perhaps they will 'respect' an older generation telling them to back off.

💐 congratulations on your babies!

Tweety1981 · 20/01/2019 19:45

Yep . Go and stay with your mum ( or someone on your side of the family ).

And no , in Asian culture you DONT have to take your husband with you .. just the babies... Smile

Bluearsedfly36 · 20/01/2019 20:06

Awww OP, how awful for you. Go and stay with your mum and let your DH stew for a few days. You need rest, not hassle. Having one baby is hard enough, thinking of you xx