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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Inlaws are pressuring me after I've given birth.

292 replies

InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 09:37

I recently gave birth to twins and it was very traumatic. I don't want to talk about the details but I don't want to drip feed either so I'll leave it at it was as awful as it's possible to be without anyone dying. One baby may have disabilities, we don't know yet.

I don't feel like I want visitors. I'm a very private person and I feel like I was robbed of the birth I wanted and my babies first weeks, as we were all in hospital. I want to get to know my babies at home, away from the outside world. I want to sit in my pyjamas cuddling my babies and watching rubbish films, undisturbed. I want to establish our bond and make sure after being in hospital they know I am their mum.

My husband is Asian and it's customary for extended family to stay over, cook for you and help with the babies. People have assumed they will be doing this but it's my idea of hell. I don't want my babies being passed around and I don't want to have to host people or feel I can't relax.

I've told DH but they keep hassling him asking when they can come over. I overheard one person ring him up and lay into me, saying I'm being horrible and I chose to marry an Asian man and should accept this as coming with the territory and that it's not fair of me to upset the family. They also said that they want to bond with my babies and me wanting to bond with them first is selfish and not fair on them.

I know if I agree to visits they won't respect my boundaries. They give unsolicited advice all the time, including criticisms of me for not breastfeeding any more and telling me to go back to work and give the babies to others to look after. I've told DH this really annoys me and i can't be bothered with it while I feel vulnerable, and I want to enjoy my babies while they're little instead of stressing over this.

DH agrees but also feels torn as he knows what's expected and I feel like I'm upsetting him. What compromise can be had here?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 19/01/2019 11:01

Cross-cultural marriages only work if there's give and take. You can do it all your way but that's the truth.

Hospitaldramafamily · 19/01/2019 11:05

If they are criticising and demanding now when the babies are only just home then it'll get worse if you give into them now. It's up to your DH and maybe MIL to explain that these are different circumstances to the family pile on they expect, due to the babies' health and that once you are ready for visits you'll let them know.

Good luck- you don't need that pressure now. Rest, relax and enjoy your beautiful babies x

justilou1 · 19/01/2019 11:11

Selfish is code for you not doing what they want. if you were to explain that risking your babies to exposure to viruses, etc and stressing you out even more is selfish too, you know exactly what the response is going to be..... "Selfish!"
Do it your way! You've got this!
Enjoy bonding with your wee ones in your own house, your own way!

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 19/01/2019 11:12

DH and I like the party in a hall idea a lot.

OP posts:
TBDO · 19/01/2019 11:19

I think it’s a selfish person thing, not entirely due to culture! Is it extended family that wants to visit or someone like DH sister or brother? I

A compromise would be that close family (brother/sister/cousins) come for an hour to meet the babies (if they are all well) - your MIL comes too and does the hosting with DH - your DH makes it clear when time to leave.

You can also get DH to arrange a get together for wider family in 4 or 5 weeks - if people know they have a date then they won’t be hassling. Again, DH and MIL do the hosting.

Ask if they are habitually late, you tell them to arrive two hours earlier than you actually want them to arrive.

BettyDuMonde · 19/01/2019 11:25

Please, please get some post trauma counselling, does the hospital offer any (I get it via a hospital counsellor after my little girl was in PICU).

Not sure what to say re: the relatives but felt this was important to say.

Congratulations on becoming a mama, btw ❤️

Ethel36 · 19/01/2019 11:28

When I was in hospital after having my first, a lovely lady next to me had been there nearly 2 weeks. The head nurse kept telling her that it was time to go home. The lady explained that she didn't want to go home yet because in her culture she had to host family as soon as she got home! If I had to do that..I would stay longer in hospital too!

GabriellaMontez · 19/01/2019 11:31

I used to be married to someone from a different background. His family used their 'culture ' quite selectively to get what they wanted. They used to do it to each other too then slag each other off !

Your husband needs to protect you from this selfish extended family. Tell him its a no and you dont need to hear anymore of their demands. Why is he passing on their criticisms to you? Last thing you need right now.

MashedSpud · 19/01/2019 11:31

My exH is Asian and all I can say is I feel sorry for you. Your life is no longer your own.

LGFuad · 19/01/2019 11:33

Oh, OP, I empathise. We ended up having a ceremony at the Gurdwara for my husband’s extended family to meet the baby, and I put my foot down and only let it happen when I was ready.

Our baby has just turned one and the feelings I have from my in-laws behaving similarly when she was born have festered and we had a big blow up about her first birthday. I tried to explain to my sister-in-law why I had been so upset and she basically said ‘oh well in Indian families we want to go and see the baby so we will, regardless of how the mother feels’ Hmm. It has completely changed how I feel about his family - so I would sit your MiL down and have a conversation with her before it becomes irreparable.

averythinline · 19/01/2019 11:35

if one of your baby has only been home 2 days then no way can you 'host' in any shape or form having been through all of that......maybe get dh/mil to say as been so poorly once they've been home a month you'll start thinking about it ....dh/mil can just repeat ad infitiu- not well enough yet.....not well enough yet.... as you and your babes are not.....well covers lots of ground...
talk to your mil and see if she will gate keep ....
i work with families who often have a tricky time at the start and your instincts are absolutley spot on.... take what help you can manage with (dm/mil/dh) and everyone else can just wait - if you feel up to teh odd visit after a couple of weeks hurrah but if not 'not well enough'- we'll call you....take care of yourself, babaies and dh

CatnissEverdene · 19/01/2019 11:35

You need time with your babies to bond and get to know them. And you don't want babies exposed to loads of germs as people inevitably have at this time of year.

Culture or not, your babies wellbeing trumps all right now. And if your DH can't support you in that, shame on him. Time for your inner lioness to roar a bit here.

Cherries101 · 19/01/2019 11:36

@InlawIssuesAgain - you married an Indian man. Did you really do no research into his family and culture first? Stuff like this sticks especially considering you’re already an outsider. I have two cousins who married non-Indians. My 1st cousin married a non-Indian who did exactly what you did and as a result their kids aren’t even considered any more in family functions. This hurts her a lot. My 2nd cousin married a non-Indian woman who has welcomed my family with open arms blending traditions. She had PND, she had preclamsia but was willing to ask for support from the inlaws and willing to blend cultures — we’ve had 6 day ceremonies and christenings, head shavings etc. She learned how to cook Indian food and has her in laws come to stay for 6 months every year. This cousin’s kids are the first anyone ever remembers — they’re loved and accepted in ways my cousin’s kids aren’t.

Cherries101 · 19/01/2019 11:38

OP wouldn’t be hosting. Mil would be: that’s the Indian culture. In laws would cook, clean etc but just use the house as a venue as such.

SilverBirchTree · 19/01/2019 11:41

@InlawIssuesAgain Thanks I'm sorry you've had such a difficult birth and a scary start to motherhood. I highly recommend getting counseling now, even if you feel like you're coping. Even if you're doing great it can help to talk it through with an expert.

Your DH's extended family can fuck off for now. You should do what your instincts are telling you to do- which is stay in your nest holding you babies close. That is what is best for you, for them, for everyone.

Someone else will give more measured and eloquent advice on how to achieve that. But don't be bullied into accomodating anyone's wishes except your own. You are a new mum. You've had a shit time. You need to be listened to, respected and cared for right now.

Congratulations on your babies

mumsastudent · 19/01/2019 11:43

from my observation on mumsnet awkward family/in - laws are universal:)-if you have a dc with problems sure as eggs are eggs they know how you should be doing things and need lectures based on random internet posting/e "experts" . Just ask mil help in defending you & perhaps when you feel ready (note when you feel ready in several months maybe!) get her help to host family drop in (like summer time when you can get them in the garden!) or maybe ask her if she can host them at her home with you - they probably do want to give gifts/money.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/01/2019 11:43

So what you're basically saying, Cherries, is that the way in your family is "Do what we tell you or we'll cut you off" - is that it? Nice.

Inertia · 19/01/2019 11:47

Whoa- not sure that a message of "Do what your husband's family tell you or else your kids will be ostracised" is what the OP needs right now @Cherries 101 !

The babies have two parents, and given that they have been very seriously ill and that the mother is recovering from a traumatic birth, cultural niceties are a much lower priority than the health of the mother and children.

SaturdayNext · 19/01/2019 11:48

Your DH needs to make it clear to his relatives that it's extremely selfish of them to expect you to conform to their cultural expectations at a time when you are trying to recover from major trauma.

As for the idea that it "isn't fair" for you to upset them, have they thought about whether they are being fair to someone who has been through living hell? I must say, in your shoes I'd be thinking very carefully indeed about cutting the one who phoned to say you were selfish out of my life for a minimum of 6 months.

SaturdayNext · 19/01/2019 11:51

Cherries, it sounds very much as if your family's version of "blending cultures" is strictly one way: there's no indication that they are prepared to take on board the notion that, for instance, some people would be horrified at the very idea of being expected to have in-laws staying for six months every year.

Cherries101 · 19/01/2019 11:53

I’m not saying do as I tell you. Don’t misrepresent my words. I’m saying let her mil lead the event and OP can rest. I’m also saying negotiate to make this event smaller. My 2nd cousin’s wife doesn’t lie down and take shit but she does compromise. It’s why she’s so loved amongst the extended family. I’m the Indian here, I have experience of mixed marriages and how they family life can suffer, I have the experience of how to blend cultures. Most of the posters on this thread don’t.

Stinkytoe · 19/01/2019 11:55

Your babies have a lot of love in their lives, a lot of people want to love you and them.

planespotting · 19/01/2019 11:56

I’m a bit confused as 88 days is more than 12 weeks - how long have you been home?
12.5 weeks

Dollymixture22 · 19/01/2019 11:58

Echerries I do think your perspective is really helpful.

Can you give example of how your family has compromised on things - it might give a more balanced and sympathetic view. So far your posts have been a little one sided

Mousewithascarf · 19/01/2019 11:59

they do sound to be taking it personally but this wasn’t an average birth with mum and baby/babies coming home the same day. They can’t expect you to fall in with their wishes after you’ve finally got your babies home and are probably feeling disoriented, anxious and exhausted after months of trekking to hospital and the ups and downs of having tiny sick babies. You need time to recover mentally and physically and to take things slowly.

It’s ok saying people can visit if they’re well but often you have no sign that you’re about to go down with something till it actually starts. You can be infectious and not know. A house full of people around two tiny babies who have just left hospital isn’t safe.

Keep pointing out you will have everyone round when the paediatrician says it’s safe and when you feel up to it.

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