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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

CF and lifts. How to handle it.

286 replies

TheLostTargaryen · 18/01/2019 16:30

I'll try and keep this short. Obnoxiously rude kid and his equally rude siblings keep demanding lifts because we live on the adjacent street. The mum who is disabled (lifelong so has always known what the score is) has told said children that if I'm picking up my kids that they should get a lift with me because I'm going that way anyway. One club ends at 8pm 2 days a week. My oldest DS (13) attends and just before Christmas, rude kid started the hobby. I went to pick DS up one week and kid announced loudly, "You have to take me home. My mum said if I was to see you, you have to give us a lift!" - He's 11 if that's relevant.
I didn't know what to say. It's no huge effort for me to take these kids except that I find it so fucking cheeky. The mum had hinted about it to me days earlier in passing but I had shrugged and told her that my DS usually walks home most nights. The night I did go, I had to stay late to speak to the coach about something and the kid kept interrupting telling me, "You need to hurry up!". DS angrily said "If you're in a rush, you can always walk home!"

The other thing is that the kids are not well liked at all (the rudeness and bad behaviour means the other children merely tolerate but don't socialise with them) and my DS is red faced and mortified leaving his mates with the "weird" kids getting into our car. I've told DS to tell his smirking, piss taking mates to grow up but honestly, I can totally sympathise. As a child I would have thought the same.

I've knocked the expecting lifts home from school on the head (finding kid standing beside my car instead of walking home like he's supposed to) by acting dumb to him telling me "It's raining. I'm going to get so wet walking home!" Or "I need to be home quickly today but it'll take soooo long walking" by me replying, "it's lucky you have a hood on your coat isn't it?" or telling him he'd better walk quickly then.

I don't want to fall out with the disabled woman. I understand that she can't easily walk her dc to and from hobbies etc but why is it my bloody problem? Yes I'm going there anyway but I like the journey being just me and my DC. I feel for the woman, I do. Life must be difficult but it's starting to piss me off. I'm the type to go out of my way to do anyone a favour but when it's expected or demanded I back right off. I'll now be changing my routine (going to the shop after pick up instead of before) so I'll be able to diplomatically decline their kind offer of an unpaid chauffeur job.

I need to put my tough-bitch pants on and just say it don't I? But if I do I could upset a presumably already pretty isolated woman. This is really difficult. What's the best way to do this? Fake excuses until they stop expecting or saying it straight and possibly causing upset?

OP posts:
PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 18/01/2019 16:36

Just be honest with her.

“Sorry, that arrangement doesn’t work for us.”

It’s not a hate-crime not wanting to get into a restrictive routine where you take responsibility for someone else’s child’s travel arrangements.

I’d be more amiable to the suggestion if she had asked you in the first place, but she’s relying on you feeling awkward so you just do it.

Spockster · 18/01/2019 16:37

I would give the poor sods a lift, thank my lucky stars and bask in the feeling of goodwill. Maybe give a few lessons in manners and how they affect others on the journey. They will grow up, and soon will rather walk than get a lift with a neighbour.

BumbleBeee69 · 18/01/2019 16:37

Tell her to do one, worded better though lol. Flowers

YellowStickRoad · 18/01/2019 16:38

If the kids are rude and obnoxious I'd just tell them you can't take them as you aren't going straight home. That will save the mum getting upset.

Noshana · 18/01/2019 16:40

I would tell the child to his face after he acts so rudely that you will not give him a lift with that attitude.

If he wants a lift he will have to be polite, say please, and wait patiently until you’re ready to leave.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 18/01/2019 16:40

Cfuckery has no boundaries.
Sorry lads it's Shanks's pony tonight.
And walk off.

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 18/01/2019 16:42

I would tell the woman you are unable to give her children lifts as you can't guarantee you are coming straight home.

Repeat the same to the child, they are not your responsibility and why should your child have to share his time with you with a child he doesn't particularly like.

Ribbonsonabox · 18/01/2019 16:42

I dont think you should give them lifts because they are incredibly rude. These kids will become bullies of adults if they are giving what they want all the time when they are being aggressive and demanding. I feel sorry for their situation but I personally would not pander to their behaviour. It's nice of you to offer lifts when it's raining etc but like you as soon as it became an assumption and they started being rude I'd cut it dead.

knittedjest · 18/01/2019 16:42

I'm as blunt as it comes but tbh I would give em a lift if it was not out of my way at all. The way I like to think of it is it's a small kind act, which isn't even a kindness because I'm just driving home with an extra ass in an empty seat, that could mean the world to this mother or to these kids when they look back on their childhoods.

pictish · 18/01/2019 16:43

Um yeah the mum is cheeky.

But God forbid your kid been seen with the ‘weird kids’ eh? Even if only for a lift.
Thought that was mean. Sorry.

Whoknowswhocares · 18/01/2019 16:43

Being disabled doesn't give her a free pass to be a rude and entitled CF. if she'd asked and you'd agreed, that's absolutely fair enough.
She didn't, so just tell them no and tell them why.

DoraJar · 18/01/2019 16:45

What @Knittedjest said

GreenTulips · 18/01/2019 16:45

Sorry but this woman is making her children your problem.

If you don’t want to just keen saying it - sorry we aren’t going straight home, sorry we’re collecting someone else.

Keep doing it

abcdema · 18/01/2019 16:46

Maybe bring it up directly with her?

Ucangourownwoo · 18/01/2019 16:46

The mum who is disabled (lifelong so has always known what the score is) has told said children that if I'm picking up my kids that they should get a lift with me because I'm going that way anyway.

What does this mean please?

I think you need to stop talking to the kid and pop in to see her and have a chat about it all. I’d be minded to help when it suits you But for her to understand it’s a favour not an obligation on your part.

jollyoldsoul · 18/01/2019 16:46

I'd just keep ignoring the kids when they hint for lifts. It's also not your job to educate them about manners Hmm

Asdfghjklll · 18/01/2019 16:50

Can you put your child in the front seat and have the rear seats flat?! Sorry no space!

missnevermind · 18/01/2019 16:51

I’m disabled and don’t drive. I would be grateful if you offered me a lift. My kids are not disabled and are perfectly healthy and if at an age to get themselves there and back that’s what I would expect them to do.
If you were to offer I would shower you with thanks but if I caught them behaving like that I would not be pleased with them and be round to apologise and give you permission to tell them where to go.

Jennbot · 18/01/2019 16:52

I would tell the children they can walk until they learn some manners. When they are rude just say , '-and that's why you're not allowed in my car.'

TheLostTargaryen · 18/01/2019 16:54

Thanks for the replies. Just to address a few points. I too think that it's mean that my son doesn't want to be seen with the "weird kids" but that's what happens. Kids can be cruel and take the piss. That's a universal truth. That's also why I told my DS to tell his smirking mates to grow up. My son has never been rude enough to say anything in front of these kids but it does upset him.

The issue with saying I'm not going straight home is that my drive is visible to the mum's house and the kids would have to pass my house going home. They all know when I'm in or out. I'd feel shitter lying and being caught out.

OP posts:
YourEggnogIsBetterThanMine · 18/01/2019 16:55

It's the expectation that ruins it. Giving a lift to the well-mannered child of a disabled person if I'm going that way anyway? No problem. Rude child expecting a lift because their parent has told them to approach me? Piss off.

TheLostTargaryen · 18/01/2019 16:55

Exactly @YourEggnogIsBetterThanMine

OP posts:
Yulebealrite · 18/01/2019 16:57

I would give them a lift if it is raining or convenient to me but I'd teach them to mind their manners. I'd be blunt about it.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 18/01/2019 16:58

sorry, but I'm also with Knittedjest pictish and DoraJar - it doesn't have to be every times, and it can be on your terms (esp in terms of manners); but I don't see the harm in sometimes helping out, and I feel saddened by the amount of posters who are lining up to say "no way, never!"

And 'weird kids' is a horrid reason. Those kids must have pretty miserable lives.

Obviously, they're wrong to assume (again, not the fault of the children, it's their mum who's to blame), but once in a while can't be too terrible.

Holidayshopping · 18/01/2019 17:01

I wouldn’t take them and would happily explain why. If they were polite and pleasant, you probably wouldn’t mind!

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