CF and lifts. How to handle it.

[TheLostTargaryen]

I'll try and keep this short. Obnoxiously rude kid and his equally rude siblings keep demanding lifts because we live on the adjacent street. The mum who is disabled (lifelong so has always known what the score is) has told said children that if I'm picking up my kids that they should get a lift with me because I'm going that way anyway. One club ends at 8pm 2 days a week. My oldest DS (13) attends and just before Christmas, rude kid started the hobby. I went to pick DS up one week and kid announced loudly, "You have to take me home. My mum said if I was to see you, you have to give us a lift!" - He's 11 if that's relevant.
I didn't know what to say. It's no huge effort for me to take these kids except that I find it so fucking cheeky. The mum had hinted about it to me days earlier in passing but I had shrugged and told her that my DS usually walks home most nights. The night I did go, I had to stay late to speak to the coach about something and the kid kept interrupting telling me, "You need to hurry up!". DS angrily said "If you're in a rush, you can always walk home!"

The other thing is that the kids are not well liked at all (the rudeness and bad behaviour means the other children merely tolerate but don't socialise with them) and my DS is red faced and mortified leaving his mates with the "weird" kids getting into our car. I've told DS to tell his smirking, piss taking mates to grow up but honestly, I can totally sympathise. As a child I would have thought the same.

I've knocked the expecting lifts home from school on the head (finding kid standing beside my car instead of walking home like he's supposed to) by acting dumb to him telling me "It's raining. I'm going to get so wet walking home!" Or "I need to be home quickly today but it'll take soooo long walking" by me replying, "it's lucky you have a hood on your coat isn't it?" or telling him he'd better walk quickly then.

I don't want to fall out with the disabled woman. I understand that she can't easily walk her dc to and from hobbies etc but why is it my bloody problem? Yes I'm going there anyway but I like the journey being just me and my DC. I feel for the woman, I do. Life must be difficult but it's starting to piss me off. I'm the type to go out of my way to do anyone a favour but when it's expected or demanded I back right off. I'll now be changing my routine (going to the shop after pick up instead of before) so I'll be able to diplomatically decline their kind offer of an unpaid chauffeur job.

I need to put my tough-bitch pants on and just say it don't I? But if I do I could upset a presumably already pretty isolated woman. This is really difficult. What's the best way to do this? Fake excuses until they stop expecting or saying it straight and possibly causing upset?

The cheek of this is astounding. 11 is old enough to know better!

Next time, tell him that his Mother didn't ask and as he can't speak to you nicely, he is banned from your car.

Hi OP,I too would go and speak with the mum,be honest.clear the air.agree to what you are comfortable with.
Don't (I'm sure you wouldn't)give her dc label's,there could be a reason for those (unacceptable)behaviour outbursts.hopefully mum will put a stop to the bad attitude.

Does the woman have any idea how rude and badly behaved and obnoxious her children are? Because I think maybe you should really tell her. I don't see how she is unable to teach her children manners if she is able to speak. I think someone really needs to explain to her how bad a reputation her kids have. Perhaps from there, she could get help for them perhaps via the school.

I (and probably the OP) would have no problem if it had come as a polite message "Would you mind dropping ds home sometimes after X activity? Really appreciate it..."

It's the way it's been done.

However it doesn't necessarily come from the mum.
Dsis had a girl at school told her "my dad works with yours and my dad said to tell you that you have to give me a lift."
Df asked her dad who said something along the lines of: "She's on the bus because she was being so rude to me when I was taking her. Please do not give her a lift."

CF mother is turning her kids into CF, s

Send a text to her - ‘There appears to be some confusion about lifts from x activity. I don’t know if I’ll be coming straight home each week and sometimes (dc) walks, so I can’t help with lifts. Hope you get something sorted. Have a good weekend! x’

Also, don’t care if she can see your car in the driveway or not. You’ll have made it clear you can’t commit to helping, so what if you do happen to come straight home at times.

To the pp's who mentioned me walking to avoid lifts or asking why I was driving my kids from school, I'm a carer for my own disabled family member. I pick my kids up on the way home from there every day. I suppose I could set off earlier and drop my car off home and double back to the school but I simply don't want to. It's easier to just drive there.
The rude kids walk to the hobby. The older brother has been going for a while and hasn't expected lifts much because he has a friend there. The younger could walk home with his sibling or their mum could walk and get them like she does with their other weekly groups (same venue or another nearby one) where there's no one going who they can cadge a life from.

I wouldn't want the responsibility of taking someone else's children in my car if I didn't know them that well. Just tell her you don't want the responsibility she needs to make other arrangements

Those kids must have pretty miserable lives.

Why?

I am disabled. I actively try not to put on people and would always ask. in constrast to this woman however, I’m in the position of driving and having a car.

It sounds as if the children have to be pushy to get things they need/ want in life because they’re not getting it from their mum. You’re not seeing this from the children’s POV at all. Their mother is too ill or embarrassed or whatever else to things out properly for the, so they see left to fend for themselves.

It’s unfair children can’t participate in certain things because their parents are ill. There for the grace of god and all that. It’s also pretty low to refuse to take a 11 yo home in the dark at 8pm. Go and talk to the mum.

I'd never give a kid a lift without checking with the parent first anyway so that would have been my reply to the cheeky demand from the 11 yo and a lot of clubs wouldn't be comfortable without having this info from the parent
I have been in a few cf lift situations myself . It's the fact that being a taxi for your own kids is a bit of a ball ache without having to add extra passengers to the mix to those asking why it's such an issue

I think the kid is old enough to be told he is rude and until he sorts his manners there will be no lifts.

Your car, your rules. That means they are ready to get in the car when you want them, or that they wait politely and patiently for you if you have things to do like speaking to the coach. The FIRST time they play up, you say, I don’t appreciate your rudeness and I’m not giving you a lift, and don’t.

I'd just give them a lift. It doesn't take you out of your way and if anything were ever to happen to them on the way home you'd feel awful.

think you sound like a really mean person...you talk about her children being rude but your children are happy to refer to them as wierd kids... that’s not particularly nice is it?

Thanks. My kids haven't been rude to hers at all, but the fact remains that the children are unpopular because they are obnoxious and badly behaved. They do have friends but just not my DC and their friends. Their mother knows how they behave because they also speak to her like shit at home too. (Witnessed by me on the many, many times I end up at her house helping her out with one thing or another so no, I'm not 100% dick thank you). The problem is, the mother doesn't pull them up on their rudeness, even when it's directed at others. I do give the lifts when appropriate but when I am being told I have to? Why should I? Where does kindness end and taking the piss begin?

I would probably give the child a lift provided he asked politely, and didn't interrupt/moan if I was talking to someone, or otherwise not going quite as quickly as he thought I should. And I would explain that to him. I would feel uneasy knowing that an 11 year old was walking home alone in the dark at 8pm in January. I would probably feel less guilty come April!

I would tell the kid this is the last lift he is evet getting from me until his mother talks to me. So next week, no lift if no conversation has taken place. And then I stick to my guns.

I would also tell him he is rude and to mind his manners (but then that’s probably my extra blunt French side speaking )

As far as the bad manners go - just tell them! We lived in various countries when I was growing up and - though my parents had brought me up to be polite to UK standards - I was always getting things wrong in other countries. My friends' parents didn't hold back from telling me off, which was slightly mortifying but actually very useful, because I learnt not to piss people off.

If you decide to carry giving these boys any lifts, just tell them that you expect them to ask nicely and say thank you. What's the worse that can happen?

I don't know what you think you're teaching your kids by lying and refusing to help them but it's nothing good

I think she’s teaching them to stand up and say no, I don’t want to, it’s inconvenient, etc

We don’t have to jump every time someone tells you too.

I was in the exact same position as you with school lifts and the children next door. They would come running to my car after school for a lift home and it was never once discussed. I never even met their parents.
I said I wasn't going home and went on home anyway and didn't give one shit if they saw my car or not.

Maybe she doesn’t pull them up because she’s struggling. Life can be very hard when you’re disabled. Perhaps she has to pick her battles and this is one she’s decided against. You help a disabled relative. What help does she get?

Thing is, he's being rude because he's parroting his mum. No she shouldn't have told him what she did. No she shouldn't expect you to do it, but it's not his fault.

I'd probably do it as it wouldn't be out of my way. And his manners would soon improve!

Being disabled doesn’t mean she isn’t capable of being polite...

Whilst the kids and parents are spectacularly cheeky fuckers and I too woukd be seriously fucked off, I know a lot of 13 year olds, and none of the nice ones would take the piss out of or be embarrassed by 'weird kids'. I think it's more important to not justify that type of reaction from your son. That's really shallow that he is embarrassed by them. I think you need to be totally honest. Tell the mum you have been reluctant to give regular lifts because they have never asked and here has been several incidents where they have been rude. Leave it there then. She will either take a dislike to you and be defensive and tell them not to ask for lifts anymore, or she'll speak to them about being polite.

Lots Mummyoflittledragons. However, just because I care for my relative, I'm at a loss as to why that means I have to care for some random woman too?