CF and lifts. How to handle it.

[TheLostTargaryen]

I'll try and keep this short. Obnoxiously rude kid and his equally rude siblings keep demanding lifts because we live on the adjacent street. The mum who is disabled (lifelong so has always known what the score is) has told said children that if I'm picking up my kids that they should get a lift with me because I'm going that way anyway. One club ends at 8pm 2 days a week. My oldest DS (13) attends and just before Christmas, rude kid started the hobby. I went to pick DS up one week and kid announced loudly, "You have to take me home. My mum said if I was to see you, you have to give us a lift!" - He's 11 if that's relevant.
I didn't know what to say. It's no huge effort for me to take these kids except that I find it so fucking cheeky. The mum had hinted about it to me days earlier in passing but I had shrugged and told her that my DS usually walks home most nights. The night I did go, I had to stay late to speak to the coach about something and the kid kept interrupting telling me, "You need to hurry up!". DS angrily said "If you're in a rush, you can always walk home!"

The other thing is that the kids are not well liked at all (the rudeness and bad behaviour means the other children merely tolerate but don't socialise with them) and my DS is red faced and mortified leaving his mates with the "weird" kids getting into our car. I've told DS to tell his smirking, piss taking mates to grow up but honestly, I can totally sympathise. As a child I would have thought the same.

I've knocked the expecting lifts home from school on the head (finding kid standing beside my car instead of walking home like he's supposed to) by acting dumb to him telling me "It's raining. I'm going to get so wet walking home!" Or "I need to be home quickly today but it'll take soooo long walking" by me replying, "it's lucky you have a hood on your coat isn't it?" or telling him he'd better walk quickly then.

I don't want to fall out with the disabled woman. I understand that she can't easily walk her dc to and from hobbies etc but why is it my bloody problem? Yes I'm going there anyway but I like the journey being just me and my DC. I feel for the woman, I do. Life must be difficult but it's starting to piss me off. I'm the type to go out of my way to do anyone a favour but when it's expected or demanded I back right off. I'll now be changing my routine (going to the shop after pick up instead of before) so I'll be able to diplomatically decline their kind offer of an unpaid chauffeur job.

I need to put my tough-bitch pants on and just say it don't I? But if I do I could upset a presumably already pretty isolated woman. This is really difficult. What's the best way to do this? Fake excuses until they stop expecting or saying it straight and possibly causing upset?

''I would tell the child to his face after he acts so rudely that you will not give him a lift with that attitude.

If he wants a lift he will have to be polite, say please, and wait patiently until you’re ready to leave.''

THIS. I don't understand why you wouldn't be assertive and firmly demand manners of them-they are kids. Kids like this with 'bad home life'' will use this as an excuse in schools to misbehave and senior staff wll back it u as because their mum is disabled it is a license to do what ever they want.... I'd also have no bother telling their mum about the manners. Yes their situation is not fortunate but that should and never be an excuse for the unacceptable. I get tired with all that wave of thought that because children have problems at home they are unable to govern their behaviour-absolute nonsense. It happens with adults too- behave terribly and blame it on their childhood/parents/personal problems.... Utter shit.

In this situation, I would talk to the mother and tell her what you feel. They all sound like rude CFs, I woukd only give a lift at my convenience nit because her DS rudly demanded it. Really their behaviour woukd be putting me off. I have 2 kids with SN, I have had to push for services, there is noway I wou,d do what tge mum is doing. But if I was in position I woukd approach you face to face and ask nicely, offer to give you money. I woukd teach my kids to be polite and not rude, I certainly woukd not tell my 11 year old to ask you for lifts. You probably woukd have given lifts to tge boy if the mum had asked politely, and her kids were nit rude to you. Manners go a long way, even though my kids have sn, I still try my best to instil good manners in them.

To the pp's who mentioned me walking to avoid lifts or asking why I was driving my kids from school, I'm a carer for my own disabled family member. I pick my kids up on the way home from there every day.

It was quite obvious that you drive to school from work to pick your kids up - I'm amazed that someone needed that explaining to them.

I'd (in all honesty - completely grudgingly) give them lifts IF I was going straight home, but it would be with a curt, 'you can have a lift if you ask nicely and wait patiently - if you're not prepared to do either, you'd better start walking', lather, rinse, repeat.

The kid is 11 - regardless of how weird and how rude - I wouldn't want him walking home at 8pm plus at night in the dark. BUT I would tell him I expect him to have better manners.

Maybe she doesn’t pull them up because she’s struggling. Life can be very hard when you’re disabled.

How does being disabled mean you get your kids to demand things from people, instead of sounding people out, and asking them yourself?

It’s his mums problem if she’s letting him walk home in the dark!

I think I'd say that I could take them home on one day per week, say a Thursday. Tell the Mum that too.

But also tell her that if something comes up you will let her know and you won't be able to take them home.

So you are being kind but just once a week.

Would that work for you?

I would do it but lay the terms on the line to the children: I will drive you to and from however the first time you're rude: ie you interrupt me or talk back you will be walking back home-and follow through. If that doesn't work just inform the mother why you've dropped the taxi service

How does being disabled mean you get your kids to demand things from people, instead of sounding people out, and asking them yourself?

Exactly

How do the children get to the club? If you didn't give them a lift home, how would their mother expect them to get home?

I think it's rude of the mother to impose on you and expect you bring her children home. Yes, she is disabled but why should she expect someone else to have the responsibility of taking her children home?

It may be harsh but the mother knew her disability would impact on her children and she shouldn't expect 'special treatment' and lifts from other people. She has to work around her disability to accommodate her children without imposing on others.

However, just because I care for my relative, I'm at a loss as to why that means I have to care for some random woman too?

You are not, so just stop doing it. It was a mistake to cater to a demand like that in the first place. Drop the guilt. If you have her number just send her a message. If not, tell the kids. 'I am under no obligation to give you or anyone else a lift. Neither you nor your mother are my boss. So I'm not. You need to make your own way home and have a think about manners whilst you're at it. Goodbye.' And then leave. It's really that simple.

I wouldn’t want to give them a lift either. The rudeness mainly, but not just the rudeness, sometimes chatting to a child while driving gives you valuable time to talk and connect.
Also if you start doing this regularly then you will be expected to do it all the time, and will have to call the mother when you can’t , which is a lot of hassle and extra stress for a rude child who your own child dislikes. I wouldn’t take a child anyway without arranging it properly with a parent. I would say what a pp suggested, “ No, this hasn’t been arranged with your Mum ,I am not taking you” . Then if she asks you outright, say that it doesn’t work for you, and that her child was pretty rude to you about it.

I'd speak back to the children and tell them that being bad mannered and rude will not encourage people to want to be friendly and give them lifts.

And that perhaps if they were polite and asked nicely, saying please and thank you, that you might be more inclined to do them a favour.

Sorry if that makes me a bit cunty but I won't reward bad manners.

I'd go with the previous poster who suggested texting the mum and telling her that you can't be relied on so hope she gets sorted.

Just because the lady is disabled, does not mean manners go out the window and she can behave like a cf, asking her rude kids to ask you to give them lifts. That woukd really put my back up!

Pretty lost for words by the attitudes on this thread. What a nasty selfish bunch you all sound. Let’s hope you never have to rely on the kindness of others at ANY point in your lives. Its children we are talking about,who would benefit from a little kindness.

I sympathise with you, OP. But I was that rude, entitled child because I have rude, entitled, dysfunctional parents and I had no idea how to behave or how to make friends or how to speak to people because my parents were so bloody awful.

I would tell the mother she's being rude. And I would take the boy to one side, next time I see him, and tell him that he's been rude and explain to him how he should behave. Be kind. Make him realise you're trying to help. And the next time he asks for a lift if he's nice about it, you help him out.

It's not the OP's responsibility to take care of other people's kids whether that means giving lifts or making sure they get home ok.
Most of us help each other out with lifts now and then but no-one wants to be doing this all the time.
Why should OP's son have to put up with it too? If he's seen being matey with rough kids then it's going to affect him socially too.
YANBU.
Tell the mother you are unable to give lifts and ask her to tell her DC to stop pestering you and being rude.

Calm down Tooty - I bet most, if not all, posters on this thread routinely do kind, considerate things for friends, family and neighbours.

Just not for CFs who expect it without asking.

Just don't do something you don't want to do! You're not a slave to the lady and her kids. It's your life, your kid time and your car. Do what you like.
Tell her boys it's not convenient to give them a lift. Ignore the badgering and move along. Ignore her too. Is she a mate? Probably not- and giving lifts will not get her to be your friend. She'll suck you dry then move on to the next sap.
Seen it many, many times.

I think people here are being hard on the OP, the Mother is being staggeringly rude and entitled.

OP, go and see her and tell her that it is not convenient. Alternatively, tell her you are fine to give a lift but not when her son is being so rude and what would she propose to do about it

Talk to the club leader and explain the situation, as they shouldn't just be letting rude kid out of the club to go home with you. Not unless they have the proper permission, which they don't.

TBH, I think the fact that she's disabled isn't actually that relevant. She's teaching her DCs that they can demand favours & help from other people, & then be rude to them into the bargain. She's doing them no favours at all. I am a non-driving, disabled mum, FWIW. DH also doesn't drive (we can't afford to run a car) & we don't beg lifts, ever.

Its children we are talking about,who would benefit from a little kindness.

Actually they'd benefit far more from learning that being rude and demanding gets you no favours.

I WOULD take them home, and every time I took them home, they would be made to ask me politely or they're not getting in my car.

11 is very young to be walking home at 8pm in the dark. I wouldn't be comfortable leaving them to it, even if their mother doesn't seem to be bothered.