CF and lifts. How to handle it.

[TheLostTargaryen]

I'll try and keep this short. Obnoxiously rude kid and his equally rude siblings keep demanding lifts because we live on the adjacent street. The mum who is disabled (lifelong so has always known what the score is) has told said children that if I'm picking up my kids that they should get a lift with me because I'm going that way anyway. One club ends at 8pm 2 days a week. My oldest DS (13) attends and just before Christmas, rude kid started the hobby. I went to pick DS up one week and kid announced loudly, "You have to take me home. My mum said if I was to see you, you have to give us a lift!" - He's 11 if that's relevant.
I didn't know what to say. It's no huge effort for me to take these kids except that I find it so fucking cheeky. The mum had hinted about it to me days earlier in passing but I had shrugged and told her that my DS usually walks home most nights. The night I did go, I had to stay late to speak to the coach about something and the kid kept interrupting telling me, "You need to hurry up!". DS angrily said "If you're in a rush, you can always walk home!"

The other thing is that the kids are not well liked at all (the rudeness and bad behaviour means the other children merely tolerate but don't socialise with them) and my DS is red faced and mortified leaving his mates with the "weird" kids getting into our car. I've told DS to tell his smirking, piss taking mates to grow up but honestly, I can totally sympathise. As a child I would have thought the same.

I've knocked the expecting lifts home from school on the head (finding kid standing beside my car instead of walking home like he's supposed to) by acting dumb to him telling me "It's raining. I'm going to get so wet walking home!" Or "I need to be home quickly today but it'll take soooo long walking" by me replying, "it's lucky you have a hood on your coat isn't it?" or telling him he'd better walk quickly then.

I don't want to fall out with the disabled woman. I understand that she can't easily walk her dc to and from hobbies etc but why is it my bloody problem? Yes I'm going there anyway but I like the journey being just me and my DC. I feel for the woman, I do. Life must be difficult but it's starting to piss me off. I'm the type to go out of my way to do anyone a favour but when it's expected or demanded I back right off. I'll now be changing my routine (going to the shop after pick up instead of before) so I'll be able to diplomatically decline their kind offer of an unpaid chauffeur job.

I need to put my tough-bitch pants on and just say it don't I? But if I do I could upset a presumably already pretty isolated woman. This is really difficult. What's the best way to do this? Fake excuses until they stop expecting or saying it straight and possibly causing upset?

Tooty mum then should have good manners to approach op and ask politely if she coukd give her DS a lift to activity sometimes as she is finding it difficult. Maybe offer her petrol money or flowers, instead of being rude to op and expecting it. I bet if mum was polite, op would. If somebody is cf it does not make you want to do them favours.

I personally would give a lift to the kid at my convenience, he asks nicely. If he is rude to me in the car, he does not get a lift.

We were in a situation where we gave lifts to a child. We took her child in, she picked ours up, or vice versa, saving anyone the annoying double trip. The difference being that the other child was polite and friendly, and I very much hope that mine was the same.
It was also properly agreed and arranged in advance. This is just rude, cheeky, and exploiting the op, who has said that she does help the mother in other ways , and has a caring role for a relative. I think it is lovely to help out neighbours, but it is not lovely to take advantage of someone in this way.

I think a bit of sympathy wouldn't go amiss, obviously don't give them a lift if it doesn't suit you but I don't think it would hurt to give the occasional lift. Not all children are preppy and polite for many reasons including disadvantage.You could teach them a valuable lesson by asking them to say thank you etc.

I would expect mum to politeLy ask me, it is my right to decline if Iift is nit convenient. I wou,d only give kid a lift if they are polite to me, if not they would b taken home, but it would be the last time.

Maybe they are considered "weird" because they are rude and entitled and have pissed other kids off? I feel sorry for your son having to put up with being ridiculed by friends to accommodate a stranger's rude child. If the child is 11 and not disabled they are old enough to walk home, especially if they are accompanied by an older brother, so not alone.

They'll never learn to be polite if people always cave in to their demands. The mother is rude too and having a disability isn't an excuse to be rude and entitled.

There's an oft-repeated notion on MN that children are blameless in such scenarios, and it's never their fault if they're rude, but they're just a product of their upbringing.
As a teacher, we try to impress on our kids in school that they are responsible for their own behaviour and must "own" it. There's nothing wrong with feeding back to these children that you find them rude and you're not playing ball.

I'm disabled. And I struggle daily with parenting. But I try hard and give my kids the best I can. There's no way I would ever impose on someone else like this. For me to even ask someone really nicely, it would have to be for a pretty serious reason.

There is help out there which she could access. You're not her carer.

I would text her or go round, tell her you need to talk. Explain that you feel put upon because if her kids attitude towards you and that on top of that they're incredibly rude and you don't want that kind of influence round your children.

Or something to that effect.

If you weren't picking your son up, hers would make his own way home surely? Or would she be pushing this on someone else?

I love the way you're volunteered to give the kids a lift by people who don't own your car.... You're not Social Services.

Have you got car seats for all these kids? Then that's the perfect get out clause.

Speak to CF mum:

'No, it's a burden and impacts on my family time in the car with my kids. I have done more than my fair share as a good neighbour and your kids aren't even polite. It's not a small act of kindness it's part of childcare. You are ultimately responsible for your own children.'

If you weren't picking your son up, hers would make his own way home surely? Or would she be pushing this on someone else?

The brothers walk if I'm not there. It's not far, even in the dark. They have approached other parents before now though, some of which have actually travelled in the opposite direction just to drop them home because they were caught off guard,

It is a bit rich, other people volunteering your car, disability is not a get out clause for being a rude CF, and raising badly behaved kids, what an insult to those disabled parents who are raising well mannered and polite kids.

I don't know why people are giving you a hard time.

Don't do it. The boys would still go to the club if your son didn't, it's not like you and the other mum decided jointly to send all the boys together.
Their behaviour won't improve, it sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree. I don't think you need to make up excuses. Next time you see the boys, if they ask just say "no, that doesn't suit, that's not the arrangement" or whatever. Otherwise you're letting yourself be dictated to by rude people, and your own child will see this. It's not really a case of thinking "mum's being kind" it'll be " they're being rude to mum and she's letting them".

I'm with colditz on this one, I would take the kids home but set ground rules such as a polite 'please can you give us a lift' and a thank you afterwards. 3 strikes then all deals are off the table. If they dont ask politely then no is the answer. I they don't say thank you then you remind them the next time they ask and when you say no, not until they apologise.

Oh, for goodness sake, they are kids.

Just say “yes I”ll give you a lift if and when I am going, but you need to be polite to me please” and poimt out when they aren’t behaving nicely. It takes a village to raise a child and you can firmly but kindly deal with kids.

I would do this to be a good neighbour to a disabled Mum before getting all
Harrumphy and bosom hefting and pursed lips about an 11 year old.

I'd go and see the Mum and tell her I wasn't doing it anymore because I didn't want to and that her children were very rude and I felt intimidated.
I'd just tell her to tell them not to ask me again. She can book them a taxi.

Try reading this

The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*k: The bestselling book everyone is talking about (A No Fcks Given Guide) www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1784298468/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_tMIqCbTV46YE9?tag=mumsnetforum-21

'I can't give you a lift tonight because i haven't heard from your mum that she's happy for me to do so. Could you ask her to send me a text / give me a call if she would like me to give you a lift, so we can agree how to organise it?'

The arrangement should be between you and the mother, never mediated or organised by the child / children. And a straightforward 'While you are with me, I am afraid that you have to follow my rules. That includes being polite, otherwise unfortunately I will have to let your mum know that I can't give you lift any more.' to the child

I'd go and see the Mum and tell her I wasn't doing

Could you ask her to send me a text / give me a call if she would like me to give you a lift, so we can agree how to organise it?'

Why should OP have to go round/text/organize anything?

It’s the mother that should be doing this IF she wants lifts!!!

Poor kids.

My mother did that to me - she'd tell me I could go to something, I'd get excited - and then she'd tell me 'Now phone x and find out if she's going, because if she is, they'll have to take you' - I'd never been taught how to ask, was never allowed to use the phone otherwise (it was a big red thing that NEVER rang unless there was a DIRE EMERGENCY - the imminent death of each Grandparent, largely) and I had no idea how to deal with somebody's Mum, who had given me lifts initially, suddenly telling me I'll have to walk home in the dark at 8.30pm when I was 7 or if I called and asked 'is x going tonight?', trying to be polite, getting a snappy 'Don't you mean you want me to drive you?'

It's one thing to do it occasionally, it's another to do it all the time. If something happened to the kid while in your care the fingers would be pointed at you

They'll never learn to be polite if people always cave in to their demands

I agree.

I wonder what the mum would say if the kids were involved in a car accident in OP’s car in this cheeky and haphazard arrangement?! Probably say that it was never arranged and the OP shouldn’t have had them!?

The mum is still a parent, and should behave like one, instead of leaving it all to the kids, fine example she is setting. She should be organising a taxi to take them to the activities and one to collect them or asking op directly and politely if she is able to give any lifts to the kids, anything would be greatly appreciated.

MitziK how sad, poor you. I guess the kids behaviour, is a product of their poor upbringing, not because mother is disabled, but because she cannot parent properly.

I think these kids are rude because they are unhappy. It would be kind to give them a lift

Giving them a lift in these circumstances is just supporting a bad situation. It's not helping. You'll be doing it for years and years

'Give a man a fish....'

I would be unhappy giving kids a lift without the parent directly asking me, the mother should be communicating with op if she wants a lift, it is up to op to say yes or no. Yes they could well be unhappy, and also not parented well, as op describes that mum lets them get away with rude behaviour and does not discipline it.