CF and lifts. How to handle it.

[TheLostTargaryen]

I'll try and keep this short. Obnoxiously rude kid and his equally rude siblings keep demanding lifts because we live on the adjacent street. The mum who is disabled (lifelong so has always known what the score is) has told said children that if I'm picking up my kids that they should get a lift with me because I'm going that way anyway. One club ends at 8pm 2 days a week. My oldest DS (13) attends and just before Christmas, rude kid started the hobby. I went to pick DS up one week and kid announced loudly, "You have to take me home. My mum said if I was to see you, you have to give us a lift!" - He's 11 if that's relevant.
I didn't know what to say. It's no huge effort for me to take these kids except that I find it so fucking cheeky. The mum had hinted about it to me days earlier in passing but I had shrugged and told her that my DS usually walks home most nights. The night I did go, I had to stay late to speak to the coach about something and the kid kept interrupting telling me, "You need to hurry up!". DS angrily said "If you're in a rush, you can always walk home!"

The other thing is that the kids are not well liked at all (the rudeness and bad behaviour means the other children merely tolerate but don't socialise with them) and my DS is red faced and mortified leaving his mates with the "weird" kids getting into our car. I've told DS to tell his smirking, piss taking mates to grow up but honestly, I can totally sympathise. As a child I would have thought the same.

I've knocked the expecting lifts home from school on the head (finding kid standing beside my car instead of walking home like he's supposed to) by acting dumb to him telling me "It's raining. I'm going to get so wet walking home!" Or "I need to be home quickly today but it'll take soooo long walking" by me replying, "it's lucky you have a hood on your coat isn't it?" or telling him he'd better walk quickly then.

I don't want to fall out with the disabled woman. I understand that she can't easily walk her dc to and from hobbies etc but why is it my bloody problem? Yes I'm going there anyway but I like the journey being just me and my DC. I feel for the woman, I do. Life must be difficult but it's starting to piss me off. I'm the type to go out of my way to do anyone a favour but when it's expected or demanded I back right off. I'll now be changing my routine (going to the shop after pick up instead of before) so I'll be able to diplomatically decline their kind offer of an unpaid chauffeur job.

I need to put my tough-bitch pants on and just say it don't I? But if I do I could upset a presumably already pretty isolated woman. This is really difficult. What's the best way to do this? Fake excuses until they stop expecting or saying it straight and possibly causing upset?

Just need to clarify that me not giving them a lift isn't being cruel or anything. It doesn't make anyone think "aaaw those poor disadvantaged children"
I'm not stopping them doing any activity or making them trudge in the pitch black of night in deep snow, they'd just have to spend 10-15 minutes walking home like many of the other kids. They just prefer a lazy ride in anyone's car. There are plenty of people who walk to the clubs and back. It's an optional activity. It's the cheek and expectancy that I should drive them around like my own children that has caused me to say hell no, I'm having the piss taken.

I will still take them on occasion if I feel like it but I'm going to have to tell the kids that their rudeness isn't acceptable and if their mum gets pissed at me chastising them then that's her problem and one less problem for me.

I think these kids are rude because they are unhappy. It would be kind to give them a lift

Is everyone who is rude, unhappy? Children only, or adults too?

Should the OP drive all rude people around if they’re going in vaguely the same direction as her? In case they’re unhappy. Because that must be the OP’s problem.

No-one in their right miond thinks you're cruel. You are the default it seems for this badly managed child care. The buck does not stop with you.

You are not part of her Social Care package unless she has told Social Services that you are the designated driver..

How do the children get to the club?

OP - not sure why you are getting a hard time from some people. You've made it clear the kids are demanding, rude and obnoxious and make your son uncomfortable. That would be enough for me.

Take the easy way out and fill your back seat with two big boxes every night and say you have no room (or fold down seat back as a pp has said), or tell the mum you are uncomfortable with the responsibility of driving other people's children around - so no longer will do it.

Or do it the hard way and just say no to both mother and kids without explanation.

Stop driving and just walk to the clubs

Thanks for the suggestion but no, I don't want to walk.

Yet you call the weird kids lazy...

Did you talk to the mother?

My point is that I wasn't taught to know better, OP. I never wanted to offend anybody or have them think I was rude, but I suppose the chances are that they probably did. When I heard somebody else say 'thank you for the lift' for the first time, I realised it was something I should do (and went on to do it), but I'd never learned that 'My Mum says I have to ask you or I can't go' should have been said differently.

I became very aware - once I was told on the last time I ever went to an out of school activity that if I wanted to be driven anywhere, my mother would have to get a job and buy a car - that I didn't belong with the children whose parents had cars. (Or jobs/a spouse/a clean home). Yes, I still hoped for a lift when it was pissing down, but I didn't expect one. Because I was the poor kid with the shit parent - and I expect that my 'friends' were embarrassed by me, which is why they cut me off as soon as we went to secondary and they could deny ever knowing me.

I agree it isn't the OP's problem that there's a mother like that and she's perfectly reasonable to refuse lifts - but it's not necessarily the children's that they haven't immaculate manners, so it would be kinder to separate the two thoughts. Have a problem with the mother, not the children.

How did she expect them to get home if you weren't collecting your son? If she's happy for them to attend club without making any arrangement for her kids then you're under no obligation to ferry them home.

Yes, OP, I would talk to the kids too. Along the lines of 'if you would like a lift home you need to ask, politely. Otherwise no lift'.

And make sure you keep to it Every Time. I wouldn't have a problem taking them home when I could, AS LONG as they asked nicely. I too would not reward bad behaviour. They can fuck off if they are rude

A huge piss take
You owe these people absolutely nothing so it would be no all day long from me and I would advise the kids that we don’t associate with rude children
Remember-don’t reward bad behaviour. Applies to adults too.
Don’t even start thinking what if this what if that..none of it is your problem.

ivykaty the op has explained that she drives to the club from caring for a family member. Also she shouldn’t have to walk if she doesn’t want to simply to avoid giving the rude boy a lift !

I guess though, as there's been no contact from the mum, you don't actually know if she has told them to get a lift with you? Could be the kids chancing a lift? She might not even know.

You could try being late or erratic- detouring to the supermarket on the way home. Just often enough that they stop assuming you'll be there.

And definitely look them in the eye and say 'no, and if you want me to say yes in future you will need to be more polite'.

Ah just re read the op. Perhaps not then if she had hinted about it before

I would just say to their mum, "Look, your kids are expecting a lift every time, but you've never even asked. And they are rude, too - I don't want to give a lift to anyone who's rude. If it's pouring with rain then I'll give them a lift as long as they're polite, but otherwise they shouldn't ask."

I was a very rude kid. I was also a very neglected and deeply unhappy kid. Nobody taught me manners. When I met kids like I was I tend to try to teach them some nice manners in a kindly way. I could of course just lie to them or avoid them because they're considered weird by priveleged kids. But that wouldn't be very nice

I think you need to stop talking to the kid and pop in to see her and have a chat about it all.

This.

I was a very rude kid. I was also a very neglected and deeply unhappy kid. Nobody taught me manners. When I met kids like I was I tend to try to teach them some nice manners in a kindly way.

Double this. You can't do everything and you shouldn't be a mug, but 11 YOs are capable of understanding 'yes, but only if it's raining and only if you speak politely'.

Your child is polite because you've corrected him and taught him empathy hundreds of times- perhaps you could show him the right thing to do again?

It’s not your responsibility OP but please don’t buy into the schoolyard ‘weird kids’ thing. They deserve more from the adults they encounter and your DS could clearly benefit from being shown that even ‘weird kids’ need a lift home sometimes. Maybe an opportunity to understand that some people have it harder than others. Kids are a product of their environment usually. Rudeness included. It’s hard work teaching kids not to be rude so some kids just don’t get taught these things. It’s not their fault.

Crosspost with the above.

Auntiepatricia
I’d like to add to your comment about children being a product of their environment. It is unacceptable for an adult to single out a child in some way and / or call them weird. If a adult endorses their child calling another child weird, their child is also a product of their environment and being taught some very poor lessons.

I think it’s ok, when anyone is this rude or blunt to be as rude or blunt back. They clearly have a thick skin.

“My mum says you have give me a lift home”
“Does she now? Well it’s not your mums car is it?”

Sometimes the only way to make them understand why something is not acceptable is to tell them why.

I don't think anyone called the rude kids lazy for not walking. Just cheeky for expecting a lift without asking nicely.