CF and lifts. How to handle it.

[TheLostTargaryen]

I'll try and keep this short. Obnoxiously rude kid and his equally rude siblings keep demanding lifts because we live on the adjacent street. The mum who is disabled (lifelong so has always known what the score is) has told said children that if I'm picking up my kids that they should get a lift with me because I'm going that way anyway. One club ends at 8pm 2 days a week. My oldest DS (13) attends and just before Christmas, rude kid started the hobby. I went to pick DS up one week and kid announced loudly, "You have to take me home. My mum said if I was to see you, you have to give us a lift!" - He's 11 if that's relevant.
I didn't know what to say. It's no huge effort for me to take these kids except that I find it so fucking cheeky. The mum had hinted about it to me days earlier in passing but I had shrugged and told her that my DS usually walks home most nights. The night I did go, I had to stay late to speak to the coach about something and the kid kept interrupting telling me, "You need to hurry up!". DS angrily said "If you're in a rush, you can always walk home!"

The other thing is that the kids are not well liked at all (the rudeness and bad behaviour means the other children merely tolerate but don't socialise with them) and my DS is red faced and mortified leaving his mates with the "weird" kids getting into our car. I've told DS to tell his smirking, piss taking mates to grow up but honestly, I can totally sympathise. As a child I would have thought the same.

I've knocked the expecting lifts home from school on the head (finding kid standing beside my car instead of walking home like he's supposed to) by acting dumb to him telling me "It's raining. I'm going to get so wet walking home!" Or "I need to be home quickly today but it'll take soooo long walking" by me replying, "it's lucky you have a hood on your coat isn't it?" or telling him he'd better walk quickly then.

I don't want to fall out with the disabled woman. I understand that she can't easily walk her dc to and from hobbies etc but why is it my bloody problem? Yes I'm going there anyway but I like the journey being just me and my DC. I feel for the woman, I do. Life must be difficult but it's starting to piss me off. I'm the type to go out of my way to do anyone a favour but when it's expected or demanded I back right off. I'll now be changing my routine (going to the shop after pick up instead of before) so I'll be able to diplomatically decline their kind offer of an unpaid chauffeur job.

I need to put my tough-bitch pants on and just say it don't I? But if I do I could upset a presumably already pretty isolated woman. This is really difficult. What's the best way to do this? Fake excuses until they stop expecting or saying it straight and possibly causing upset?

I agree a conversation needs to happen between you and the mum. It sounds like she hasn't actually spoken to you at all, just left her kids to ask for lifts? That's not fair on you or them.

If it's near enough to walk, why not just walk? Then you won't have the car to give them a lift anyway.

I think you maybe need a word with mum. She maybe thought she had asked if you would give her child a lift home when she spoke to you.
Say I can give x a lift some of the time but not every time as I sometimes have errands to run. I just thought I would let you know so no misunderstandings.
I would then say to the kids if they ask yes you can have a lift but if they see you talking to the coach or talking to y please could they wait patiently until you are finished.
The poor kids don’t sound that bright or socially aware and by what you have said they probably don’t gave the best time st school if you are going straight home anyway I would honestly give them a lift.

my DS is red faced and mortified leaving his mates with the "weird" kids getting into our car. I've told DS to tell his smirking, piss taking mates to grow up but honestly, I can totally sympathise. As a child I would have thought the same.

Grow a spine and stand up for your kid! FFS. So what if you fall out with this woman, she's not your mate or even nice. She's a CF.

Keep it simple. 'I was never asked to provide you with lifts because my answer is NO. I will not give either of you lifts anymore anywhere because you're rude and demanding.' Or, if you have the woman's number, you just message her. 'Excuse me, but you didn't even bother to ask me to give your kids lifts. That is so rude and cheeky. My answer is NO. I will NOT provide lifts to your kids anymore.'

Then you just don't do it.

Yeah they are definitely CFs but I would probably give them a lift if I could. However I would be clear with the kids that I don't have to give them a lift, and would make them ask me politely everytime they wanted one.

"You have to take me home. My mum said if I was to see you, you have to give us a lift!"
'No actually I don't. Your mother hasn't asked me if it's convenient, and you're being very rude.' and walk away. Either he'll remember his manners (unlikely) or he'll tell his mother what you said and she can remember her manners.

"You have to take me home. My mum said if I was to see you, you have to give us a lift!"

What kind of a wet lettuce accommodates a demand like this from a kid? Just, really.

I'd take them and I'd have offered when she hinted. It's not taking you out your way at all and is clearly a short drive.

I don't know what you think you're teaching your kids by lying and refusing to help them but it's nothing good.

I too was wondering how far away the school was if you need to drive but the other kid is expected to walk the distance.

The mum shouldn’t send the kids to the club if she can’t arrange transport (how do,they get there?).

Also, the kids shouldn’t beg lifts of you.

Maybe, next time they ask, you should say that you can’t give them a lift as you haven’t arranged anything with their mum, and she may have arranged someone else to pick them up... . (Safeguarding etc).

Obviously, mum could get in contact with you requesting a lift. Maybe if they do, Then either accept, but lay down ground rules. Ie. No rudeness, if you have other plans, then you can’t take them (and will inform mum beforehand so she can make other arrangements), or refuse, as it doesn’t work for you.

From what I understand, it’s less the issue of giving lifts and more the attitude that comes with it (correct me if I’m wrong)

If I was you, I’d go round to the mums and tell her just how cheeky and entitled you’ve found her, and how whilst you don’t mind giving lifts, there is a certain standard of behaviour that you expect that her children are not adhering to, and see how she responds.

I would give the poor sods a lift, thank my lucky stars and bask in the feeling of goodwill. Maybe give a few lessons in manners and how they affect others on the journey. They will grow up, and soon will rather walk than get a lift with a neighbour.

^ This. But I think I would go and see the mum and make it very clear that you would have appreciated being asked. It may not have any impact on her future behaviour, but it might on her childrens'. Whilst it is not your fault their mother has no manners and has not brought her children up to be polite, they are just children and it's possible this one act of kindness and modelling good behaviour could make a real difference to them.

Thing is these kids have not been shown better. I would tell him he's being rude and because of that I don't want to give him a lift. If he asked with a please and a smile, and a thank you after, I'd oblige.

Like they say, it takes a village. Their mum is struggling, it's not your problem. But you could help this kid here. He probably genuinely has no idea how badly he's coming across.

"You have to take me home. My mum said if I was to see you, you have to give us a lift

And if you say please and show some manners I will.

It's easy to teach kids a lesson. In kindness and manners.

I would ignore any hints but if they straight up tell you you’re taking them I’d just say ‘can’t tonight, we’re going somewhere’ or shove some stuff in the spare seats and say you’ve got no space.
Once you’re out of the habit of doing it they’ll stop expecting. Very cheeky though.

DS has a friend that can be really pretty rude. I notice this is only when neither of his parents are around so I don't think he's been brought up to behave that way. After one particularly difficult incident, I have told the child straight he needs to remember his manners if he wants to be invited back. He might need the odd reminder but on the whole it has worked.

It depends if you really wouldn't mind so long as child was polite.

Poor kids. I think a bit of kindness would be nice.

I think I'd have a word with the mum, say I'm happy to give lifts at my convenience as long as the kids are polite.

My kids have lots of friends who are the weird kids though. And not so many who are the sniggering type.

You don't want to give an 11-year-old a lift home at 8 pm in the dark and rain in January, even though you are driving past their house? Even if the kid is annoying that is a new level of mean. I know you are under no obligation to pick them up but have some compassion.

Further to that, I wouldn't be giving children a life anywhere without hearing directly from the parent that they were happy with that "Your mum needs to speak to me about that, I don't know whether she'd be happy with you getting in my car".

a lift, obvs, not a life.

I understand the view that it would be a nice thing to do, but where will it stop? This sort of behaviour won't stop with a lift. You'll end up looking after them as well.

I really hate disability being used as an excuse for bad behaviour. I'm sure most of us would be happy to help occasionally, but this sort of CF behaviour doesn't encourage it.

Oh, yeah, the ol' 'bit of kindness' malarkey. These kids basically ordered her to give them a lift. All they'll do is take the piss. With their attitudes, it sounds like they are perfectly capable of holding their own walking home.

Going against the grain here, think you sound like a really mean person...you talk about her children being rude but your children are happy to refer to them as wierd kids... that’s not particularly nice is it?
I can never understand the fuss people on MN make about giving lifts to people.
Its hardly putting you out is it? And you know being kind and altruistic is a nice thing... something you might want to teach your children ( and yourself)

So the kids have a disabled mum, and the other kids call them weird, and you don’t want to give them a lift even though it wouldn’t put you out at all?

My god what a mess. The rudeness of this mum and kids puts a real dampener on things, and the entitlement. If mum had approached you and asked you nicely, and maybe given you something for petrol, I am sure that you would have willingly given them lifts from the activities. But she is a entitled CF who is teaching her kids to be rude CF. I would say no sorry I don't want to as you are rude. You are supposed to walk home etc. Her kids are not your responsibility. It is CF like her which gives us non car drivers a bad name. Just because she is disabled does not give her the right to be rude CF.