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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've refused CAMHS support. Will I get flagged up as a bad parent?

232 replies

Seline · 17/01/2019 14:27

For a quick background I've got one DS with additional needs 3 and DS and DD who were born at 26 weeks and had a long NICU stay.

My 3 year old is speech delayed and has problems with biting when he can't communicate, and throws objects when frustrated. I've asked for support for him and got an EP involved and 121 support at his nursery which helps.

Today I was offered early CAMHS support. Apparently they come into your home and discuss the family and how to support him. Apparently all the work is in your house. I absolutely hate home visits because one I'm an introvert and it feels intrusive, I am very socially awkward and feel anxious with people and two I have so many appointments for the twins as they have ongoing medical concerns.

I was already worried about HV appointments for this reason but they have been very understanding.

I declined the camhs explaining that I can't fit it in and want some normality at home after such a long hospitalization. They said that's fine and they'll just document it was offered

Am I going to be flagged as difficult for this? I have a huge fear of losing my children (dying/kidnapping/SS/Getting lost) because I was told several times they would die and it's left me quite worried.

OP posts:
Stuckforthefourthtime · 17/01/2019 14:33

It's actually very hard to have your children taken away - the bar is very very high, and you are clearly a caring mother with a lot on her plate.

However given this, is there any way you can see to accepting this support? As someone who has tried to access CAMHS help before, it really is very hard to get, and they don't offer it unless they think it can really help. You and your little boy deserve it, and they won't be judging you and your house at all. To put this in perspective, social workers will be going to houses of methadone users and consider it ok if the medication is stored appropriately - they will not be worried about mountains of unfolded laundry, or dishes on the sink, or signs that it was McDonalds for tea. And in return they will be able to provide and access more support for you and your DS.

If you really can't, then can you also consider getting support for your own mood and anxiety? You deserve to feel well too. Flowers

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 17/01/2019 14:36

I'd accept and ask if you can go to their office, it's better to be on their books than not because if you need them in the future they're nigh on impossible to access! I'm trying currently and we're now a year down the line, I've had one meeting and one questionnaire!
It's not a reflection on you, but I would accept any offer of help given. In the future they may say 'oh well you were offered this obviously and declined it...' as an excuse to not give you later help. Emphasis these days is on early intervention:)

Sirzy · 17/01/2019 14:36

So you asked for help because you knew your child needed it but then turned it down when offered? Confused

I would seriously reconsider that to be honest. I get you don’t like people in the house however (and I am also an introvert) sometimes you have to put getting the help for your children above your own dislike of things

Rainatnight · 17/01/2019 14:37

Um, I think the question is less whether you're going to be judged as difficult, and more why your DS has to go without support he needs as a result of your decision?

I'm very sorry to sound harsh because you doubtless have struggles, but I really am a bit taken aback that you turned it down. Was there a compromise like meeting at their offices instead?

Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 14:38

The reason I worry about it is I was treated for depression as a teenager due to some issues that have now been resolved. I had a horrible psychiatrist who lied to me sbout treatment and as a result my trust in professionals in this sort of field is a bit shaken. I'm also afraid they'll look at that and say I'm unstable even though I'm not currently treated for depression and am considered fine.

I don't feel able to accept it at all because I even hate friends in my own home and prefer to see them outside. I'm a very private person in real life.

Regarding this anxiety I was planning on monitoring it over the next few weeks as my thinking is as I get into a normal routine with the DCs being out of hospital, the anxiety will gradually reduce. If it doesn't then I will go to my GP as I know it's really common to have anxiety after preterm birth

OP posts:
Conseulabananahammock · 17/01/2019 14:39

Do you have any idea how many parents struggle to get the help youve been offered. I can't believe you are going to turn it down. Its not about you its about your child! Ive been waiting a year to get my son even acknowledged yet your going to turn away help!

OutPinked · 17/01/2019 14:40

It’s difficult to get CAMHS support so I would personally grit my teeth and accept it. I’m also not fond of inviting strangers into my home but if said stranger was going to help my child, I would allow it.

Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 14:40

No, my son doesn't go without support. Hmm He has 121 at nursery, speech therapy, and an educational psychologist. I declined one specific type of support that I am very uncomfortable with.

OP posts:
Rainatnight · 17/01/2019 14:41

Yes, clearly you've had lots of difficulties. But the thing about being a parent is that you've got to swallow them, and do what it takes to put your kid first.

Did you ask if you could meet somewhere other than your home?

Sirzy · 17/01/2019 14:42

One specific, important type of support. Not because it wouldn’t benefit him but because it doesn’t fit with you. It’s not about you its about him.

Turning down one support may also make it harder to get access to other things down the line.

I really do think you need to reconsider

Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 14:43

I did ask that and was told no, because that's what CAMHS for over 5 years old does and he is 3. I then thanked them, explained I had lots going on with my son's existing appointments and my other children's appointments, and that if my son didn't make any improvements after his speech therapy and 121 then I would ask to be referred back when he is 5.

OP posts:
BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 17/01/2019 14:47

Ask them if they would defer coming in. I appreciate different people have different situations, but myself and a friend of mine have needed camhs help for our kids and can't get it because it's overrun. Take it when you're offered it. Just ask if they can wait.

Parthenope · 17/01/2019 14:50

You should access this support regardless of whether it makes you uncomfortable. That is irrelevant to your child's needs, as is whether his siblings have a lot of medical appointments. Your issues shouldn't preclude help for your child.

Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 14:50

I was told it's now or never due to his age. It's really not the right time as the medical needs of all my children right now mean I need my home to be a safe haven for all of us and not another healthcare setting.

OP posts:
ErictheGuineaPig · 17/01/2019 14:50

Gosh, you have a lot on your plate. What about the kids' dad? Could he take on the cahms appts?

I can't imagine anyone would label you a bad parent when you are clearly engaged with getting him help but it does seem a shame to refuse this kind of support. The help in nursery is great, but somebody working with you on any issues that crop up at home when you try and deal with his behaviour would surely be beneficial?

Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 14:52

As his mother I'm in a better position to decide what support is suitable for my son than a group of strangers who don't know our personal circumstances. I just asked whether it would be flagged. Not whether camhs would be beneficial Confused

OP posts:
Handfootmouth · 17/01/2019 14:52

You are prioritising your feelings over your son's needs

Please accept the support so he has every possible chance to reach his full potential

Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 14:53

Eric My partner works full time so can't do the appointments as they are 9-5. It can only be me.

Thank you. Some people here seem to think I am! If they'd offered it at a less stressful time I would be able to deal with it however it's just too much right now.

OP posts:
Handfootmouth · 17/01/2019 14:53

And yes it will be flagged

Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 14:54

I'm balancing the needs of the family, including my other children's medical needs and my own mental health. Hmm

OP posts:
Rainatnight · 17/01/2019 14:54

Ok so it could be flagged. Is that what you want to hear? We're about to adopt a little boy whose birth mother refused all ante natal care and it was definitely held against her as neglect and inability to put her baby's needs before her own.

Sirzy · 17/01/2019 14:55

Actually the complexity of the family situation probably make ensuring your child has access to proper support via CAMHs even more important

That support being given at home again is often helpful for the child as it’s a normal environment where they are comfy

Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 14:56

I haven't refused all care and support though. My son has plenty of professionals involved and none have ever raised a concern about me and have always commented on my commitment to ensuring my son is supported appropriately.

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 17/01/2019 14:57

Your dh surely could take some parental leave to cover some appointments.

Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 14:57

Plus I'm in a position to pursue private care should I be unable to access support on the NHS. So it's hardly likely me saying that this isn't a good time will prevent my son accessing a service long term if he does still need it.

OP posts:
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