I've refused CAMHS support. Will I get flagged up as a bad parent?

[Seline]

For a quick background I've got one DS with additional needs 3 and DS and DD who were born at 26 weeks and had a long NICU stay.

My 3 year old is speech delayed and has problems with biting when he can't communicate, and throws objects when frustrated. I've asked for support for him and got an EP involved and 121 support at his nursery which helps.

Today I was offered early CAMHS support. Apparently they come into your home and discuss the family and how to support him. Apparently all the work is in your house. I absolutely hate home visits because one I'm an introvert and it feels intrusive, I am very socially awkward and feel anxious with people and two I have so many appointments for the twins as they have ongoing medical concerns.

I was already worried about HV appointments for this reason but they have been very understanding.

I declined the camhs explaining that I can't fit it in and want some normality at home after such a long hospitalization. They said that's fine and they'll just document it was offered

Am I going to be flagged as difficult for this? I have a huge fear of losing my children (dying/kidnapping/SS/Getting lost) because I was told several times they would die and it's left me quite worried.

But Seline children need their parents to model healthy social interaction for them or they will end up with the same issues. Not especially enjoying making small talk is fine (and indeed very common) but being literally unable to do it because you are anxious is crippling and actually massively removes options in life. I know this from experience and I imagine you know it too. These kinds of issues DO get passed down from parent to child. They just do.

By no means does this need to be a priority for you now, when you have so much on your plate, but if you can gradually see your way to seeking help in overcoming your own issues I really believe it will enormously improve your life, and your kids’ prospects.

Anyway, wishing you the best of luck with everything. Please don’t worry too much about CAMHS “flagging” you. I really don’t think this will cause problems given you are clearly looking after your children.

I don't have to talk to their parents with anything other than arranging times and days. I don't have to be friends with them.

No it isn't an issue. Why are extroverts so keen to pathologise introversion?

Function like what, exactly? Mother plays PlayStation instead of gossiping at school gates, how heinous.

Difficulty establishing relationships with professionals like this is a personality disorder sign.

Fucking nonsense.

The only people who seem to genuinely believe this are professionals who lack the skills to empathise, establish trust, and connect with others who are not identical to themselves.

X-post Tatiana ! Yes, it’s important to keep in mind that kids turn into teenagers and young adults, who could potentially then become a source of social anxiety, even if babies/toddlers aren’t.

Sloth My DH is more social than I am so it's not as if they only see me. I'm not unable to do it either, I "pass" as social quite well for short amounts of time. I just really don't like it.

I am by no means an extrovert! Absoutely not. But what you are describing is experiencing anxiety at social interaction, not just preferring to do other things. My life was much improved once I reduced my social anxiety. I still prefer to be alone, but I CAN spend time with others, and that’s so freeing.

From what you’re describing you don’t really have that choice.

X-post Seline

Okay, that is not what I was getting from your previous posts! Thanks for clarifying.

Oh no i can do it! I just really don't like it!

I like socialising with weird people. Space, superheroes, anime, time travel, preraphellite art, Tudor monarchs...all things I love talking about but unfortunately for me, most would rather talk about other stuff. My DH is a rare beast that bridges the gap between geeky weirdos and normal people.

So I can socialise, I just prefer to spend time alone unless the person shares my interests.

I understand you are an intovert and don't like people in your home. It would make you very uncomfortable. Completely understandable.

But if my child needed additional support and the way to help him would be sawing my own leg off, you can bet your ass I'd do it.

Suck it up.

No, I won't suck it up. He's my son and I have the final say in what I deem appropriate.

As a parent of two kids with SN, dd11 with ASd, leSrning difficulties, grab all the support you can get with both hands. Early intervention is so important, when you need CAHMS, you might not be able to access it, so better now if it is being offered to you. Can you see them, or see them at a friend or relatives house. I know it's a scsreyvtime, itcan be do overwhelming with the amount of appointmentsand intervention, that you all want it to stop and be s normal family without all this.

I just want one space, one, that's normal and that I feel safe in. That my children feel happy in

Oh no i can do it! I just really don't like it!

Well in that case you can let CAMHS assess your son.

I wouldn’t prioritise a dislike over a child’s wellbeing.

Then atrange to see them at their site, or at friends or relatives house, insteaf of an outright no.

What is it about having other adults in your who are there to help you and your son that makes it abnormal and unsafe?

I'm not prioritising anything over his well-being. He doesn't need this particular type of support.

I have anxiety about it if it's in my home.

Like what? I don't think the authorities will be concerned about me when there's child abusers and crack addicts around.

There are lots of levels of intervention and MH concerns which impact on your children will be one of them.

Can you imagine if a parent you’d never really interacted with invited your child around? Would you just pack your kid off with a person you didn’t know, to a house you’d never seen? Of course you wouldn’t. You’d do what every other parent does and agree to come with them for a play date. Sit and have a coffee with the Mum, check out the house and see it’s safe. If you can’t cope with that, your children won’t be able to have friends around. And your kids are going to grow up and you will find awkward monosyllabic teens in your kitchen and one day they’ll be bringing home boyfriends and girlfriends you’ll need to talk to.

Your anxiety because of your children’s difficult start is totally understandable. But you still need to deal with it. Otherwise being overly risk averse and overprotective can have a negative effect on your children (I’m the child of an anxious person, and believe me, it does, not least because you pass your anxiety on).

Lots of parents have MH problems. Those who are willing to confront them and, if not overcome them, at least try and minimise the effects on their children through treatment and counselling, rarely run into serious problems with the authorities because of their difficulties.

Those who deny them, who don’t engage with treatment for them, who don’t confront the potential for negative effects on their children and take steps to minimise them - well they do frequently run into problems.

I suffer very badly from depression and actually had to ask SS for support a few years ago. And that’s what I got. Mainly some extra childcare and advocation with the NHS to make sure I was able to access the right services. They knew I wanted to access help and sort it out, so it was only ever support to get through a difficult time. It was never a matter of ‘these children’s needs aren’t being met and we need to intervene for their safety. If they’d come into contact with me and I had said ‘No, I don’t think it’s a problem I’m too depressed to go out and too anxious to talk to anybody. I’m not doing anything about it’, well then it definitely would have changed into a situation where I was being looked at as a parent who wasn’t concerned my children’s needs weren’t being met and it would have been more serious.

Major anxiety really is something you have responsibility to seek treatment for if you are a parent.

The invasion of privacy. I find people exhausting and I don't want to feel like that in my own home. I'm entitled to have somewhere that's my private family space.

I think that if you are feeling overwhelmed by the amount of input at the time, explaining this was a really reasonable thing to do.

I wonder, however, if you would consider postponing the treatment from CAMHS until an easier time for you? The experience you had sounds awful but I don't think that it reflects any of the CAMHS practitioners I have encountered.

To asnwer your question - Working within the NHS, this response from a parent would raise a red flag for me, but would not make me significantly concerned on its own.

Oh for Christ's sake. I'm not overly protective or overly risk averse. Me not wanting to socialise isn't a mental health problem and it doesn't make me a bad parent.

Maybe if more parents were like me instead we'd have more people interested in things other than love island and drinking into oblivion. Hey at least they're social!

I'm not depressed and I'm not too anxious to go out. I go out all the time. I take my son out all the time. I just don't like making friends with people and spending my time socialising and having people in my own private space. For fuck sake

Personally as someone with mental health issues and severe anxiety I can fundamentally state you will not lose your children. So please do not worry about that.

But no will say, if you are offered cahms support grab it with both hands not many parents are as lucky. They will not judge you on your mental health history. They are there to give you and help you and your son.

As for your anxiety, I hate medication and am supposed to take proparanol for my anxiety. I prefer Valerian, I find it helps me a lot more and I tend to sleep better. I also keep a bottle of rescue remedy in my bag for when out and about in case of an attack.

Also - I think that it's reasonable that you would like the treatment to take place outside of your home and I think it's likely to be something they can offer.

I'm not prioritising anything over his well-being. He doesn't need this particular type of support.

Unless you’re a specialist how can you possibly know? You’re prioritising a personal distaste over assessment and support for your son.

Tatiana Because I know my child, I know what he responds to and what he doesn't. I know a lot about ADHD which is what they suspect the problem is as multiple people in my family have it and I've researched it extensively and taken courses myself in understanding and approaching it. I know how he reacts when I'm not 100%, which I won't be if I accept this.

Why are you now attacking us op? You asked if we thought you were being unreasonable and most people have told you that you are.

I just don't like making friends with people and spending my time socialising and having people in my own private space. For fuck sake

How are your personal feelings more important than your child's therapy?