I've refused CAMHS support. Will I get flagged up as a bad parent?

[Seline]

For a quick background I've got one DS with additional needs 3 and DS and DD who were born at 26 weeks and had a long NICU stay.

My 3 year old is speech delayed and has problems with biting when he can't communicate, and throws objects when frustrated. I've asked for support for him and got an EP involved and 121 support at his nursery which helps.

Today I was offered early CAMHS support. Apparently they come into your home and discuss the family and how to support him. Apparently all the work is in your house. I absolutely hate home visits because one I'm an introvert and it feels intrusive, I am very socially awkward and feel anxious with people and two I have so many appointments for the twins as they have ongoing medical concerns.

I was already worried about HV appointments for this reason but they have been very understanding.

I declined the camhs explaining that I can't fit it in and want some normality at home after such a long hospitalization. They said that's fine and they'll just document it was offered

Am I going to be flagged as difficult for this? I have a huge fear of losing my children (dying/kidnapping/SS/Getting lost) because I was told several times they would die and it's left me quite worried.

Did you ask if it could be done outside the home before you declined? I understand you wanting to keep it away from your home but I think you have made an unwise decision.

People fight for a long time to get CAMHS support for their children and it's not just as easy as saying you'll ask again when he's 5. Being able to do things privately isn't always the answer either as a private diagnosis may not be accepted - we were advised against it and told to wait for CAMHS.

You need to put your child first and get him the help he needs.

OP, what was the purpose of the referral to CAMHS? Was it for an ASD assessment? The reason I ask is that there is a huge problem nationally with availability of Neurodevelopmental CAMHS services. There simply aren't enough clinicians to meet the rising demand and the estimated waiting time for an ASD/ADHD assessment has now reached 2 years in many areas. So if you, or any of the professionals already involved suspect that your DS has ASD or ADHD then it would be wise to accept the referral and get on the right CAMHS pathway asap.

CAMHS support is like gold dust. In many areas there's a waiting list of well over a year just to be assessed, let alone to get support, and the situation is getting worse. I really wouldn't rely on being able to access it easily when your child is 5. I don't really see how two or three home visits would prevent your children from having a childhood?

I think the problem is your perception that this would make your home into "another venue where they're measured and compared and assessed" or that it would medicalise it. In the home, that really isn't how it would work. It would be a matter of someone coming in for a chat and observing and playing with your children in their home environment, so it really wouldn't be intrusive; it would be just like an aunt or a family friend coming in.

I know you may way that you don't even like relatives and friends coming into your home, but that in itself is a bit of an issue if you are going to bring your child up in an environment where they never see people like this at home.

Don't you think you can see a way through at least to giving this one try, and putting your child's best interests ahead of your discomfort?

I'm actually really surprised you have turned down the help offered to your son. In your heart of hearts do you really think you are balancing everyone's needs, or do you think you are meeting your own need to respond to your anxiety?

I think having other appointments is a red herring, the CAMHS appointments would be able to work around them.

It is sad that you feel that having healthcare professionals in your house will make it unsafe. The dc won't feel that way unless you convey it.

It will be better for your ds to get help early imo. It sounds like you need help too.

What a load of bollocks scaremongering and needless scolding on here! Some CAMHS are shit. Ours certainly is. They're used to working with kids who in care, have CPOs, parents in prison/drug use/etc. Our DS was diagnosed HFA via paediatrics, thankfully not CAMHS. We had the same experience Chocolatecoffeeaddict had with our CAMHS after a bereavement. I wouldn't touch them with a 10-foot barge pole now! They were very aggressive and accusatory and condescending. It felt like an interrogation.

I'd rather go into debt and go private than use our CAMHS. I also withdrew my child and no, there's no 'flagging' or 'marks' or query about you having a personality disorder, ffs!

YANBU. Personally, we're saving money in case DS needs support later on and going private rather than dealing with CAMHS.

Is it really helpful or kind to give OP a hard time and a load of guilt? She's clearly engaging with a range of professionals, she's not refusing all support, just the one that doesn't fit with her needs at the moment.

I'm not you and i don't know you... but I would bite their hand off if CAMHS offered me home visits. They're not coming to judge your home, they're coming to work with your child where he is (I assume) most comfortable and therefore responsive, and it is more convenient for you not having to travel or find childcare for your other DCs.
My DC is suicidal. GP referred to CAMHS in August. Now January, we are still waiting for a date for his assessment appointment, where they'll decide whether to treat him or not....
Try and find a way to get your child the help they need.

What a load of bollocks scaremongering and needless scolding on here! Some CAMHS are shit. Ours certainly is.

Please don't scaremonger the OP about CAMHS, she's already got enough to worry about. Yes CAHMS varies in different areas but she isn't turning it down because her CAMHS are shit. In fact they're being very good offering early intervention and even doing it at home. She's turning it down because in her judgment it doesn't fit her family's best needs right now. And her CAMHS have been reasonable about that and respected her decision. So they haven't done anything shit at all.

but on the other hand as a carer myself I completely understand that your first priority has to be keeping yourself well enough to support all your children, because if you go under it will impact on all of you.

Thank you for understanding this. I really think making me very stressed while my children have been unwell isn't ideal.

at the poster who said I should see a counsellor because I'm an introvert lol. Introversion isn't a crime or a mental illness. It's just a different way of recharging. Why do extroverts not get this.

And no, I'm not "overly anxious". I have anxiety around a very specific thing.

Thank you to the people who actually understood the post and responded in kind

I'm an introvert. It wouldn't stop me getting help for my child if she needs it. It makes it harder sometimes, definitely. But I wouldn't allow it - or anxiety - to impact her, and if it ever did I'd be seeking help as a priority.

He does get help. I declined one specific thing that I don't think is suitable. Or do parents not have the right to decide what suits their children any more?

Op, I have a micro preemie, who is now almost 20. DS was oxygen dependent when he came home - until he was 3, so we had community nurse home visits 3 times a week, (sometimes daily depending on his oxygen needs) as well as the 5 different Consultants in 3 different hospitals, in 3 different counties along with Physio, OT, Speech Therapy, Dietician, Health Visitor, etc etc etc.... so I “know” what you mean with the never ending merry go round of professionals.

It’s like living in a different world with its own language. I had one professional describe me as “clinical” because I listed every diagnosis DS has & in short hand & long hand. I.e CLD, GDD etc. I talked Lung function vs Lung capacity I know which ventilation he’d had when, dates of all the major incidents. I was a walking medical file, & shocked when they described me as clinical, it was just the language I’d spoken for the previous 3 years, so I can understand why you might think someone will see you as “a difficult parent” but given that your working with every other professional involved in your lives, they really shouldn’t.
When DS was about the same age as your DS, he was globally developmentally delayed, non verbal & literally thought he could fly, he needed constant supervision to keep him safe, he too was under 5 when CAMH was suggested, (along with Ritalin) we didnt take up the offer of either. For some things its ok to say, we don’t need that right now.

Who suggested a referral to CAMHs to you? What are you looking for from them?

I know pp have mentioned CAMH assessing for autism but all our referrals for various assessments & support came via the Community Paediatrican. So it might be worth asking for a referral to a Community Paed if you don’t already have one - it was ours that assessed DS as Globally delayed & referred for a global assessment at GOS, & opened up Autism support Services. Education for statements & special needs schooling, and has followed him all the way through school.

Do you have any support for yourself? You may find that there are parent groups locally, we did one for parents of children with complex needs, run via the children’s ward, autism support - which was a play group for children with complex needs.

You asked if you were being unreasonable. The majority of people have told you that you are unreasonable to not get the support for your child. Now you are replying that you're not unreasonable. Why bother asking us if you already think you're reasonable?

I would have accepted it. It's hard to get an appointment with Cahms. People are seen on a priority basis, your son obviously needs help. You're just going to have to deal with your anxieties, you have to out your child's needs first, if you don't they might not see your child again. And if you apply for an EHCP for your child or he needs extra help in nursery, then it will bee noted that you were offered an appointment and turned it down.

OP you asked if you would be flagged as a bad parent. The answer is no, but it will be flagged that you refused help. That could well count against you if/when you ask for similar help in the future.

And CAMHS is not social services.
You are being extreme.y unreasonable. I'm quite worried about your child. Does he have Speech and Language support?

I declined one specific thing that I don't think is suitable.

But you said you declined it because it made you uncomfortable. That doesn't make it unsuitable.

It was me who mentioned counselling- for your anxiety. Because I have anxiety caused by very similar circumstances.

Don’t let the anxiety win and create problems for your family.

Usually when a child has been referred to CAMHS its because all other resources have been exhausted. Its designed to help you and to benefit your child. I would suggest accepting the help- this isn't a decision that is made lightly

I pressed send before I finished

Only serious cases get successfully referred to CAMHS. There must be seriously delayed in your child's development and they must have some very serious concerns. Accept the help for your childs sake

They are not going to judge you, they are there to help your child ultimately and have their best interests at heart via helping you too

OP. I think you should ask for this to be moved to SEN

I work in CAMHS.
Unless there were serious safeguarding concerns there would be no flagging of your choice not to accept a service for your DC.

3 years old is very young indeed to be referred to CAMHS; you say 'early' CAMHS; was it actually Early Help that was offered? In my locality Community Paediatrics would be the first port of call for your DC. You don't give alot of detail but 'biting' when finding it difficult to communicate his needs doesn't signify a mental illness in a 3 year old, it says to me that he doesn't yet have the skills to articulate his feelings, but I'm commenting without bigger picture stuff, so there may be other things going on.

In any case, ignore all the judgements, amateur quacks and half truths about CAMHS and what declining a service 'signifies' about you having a personality disorder.

Some people have not read what OP has written, her child does have SALT.

CAHMs for us were a total waste of time, every 6 months I would take my dd’s Out of school to attend our appointment, often no one even spoke to more child or engaged with them, they would ask me a few questions and then say “see you in 6 months”, after a while they decided to discharge both my dd’s. We had better support from OT but only for one of the dc’s, they were totally useless with the other one and just upset her every time we went.

I understand how you feel..I'm an introvert too and I don't always like having people in my house..particularly people in some authority over me..however I'm also a mum of a boy with Aspergers who received very little help until he was much older (16/17)..so if they are offering you help please DO take it..it's not anywhere near as easy to come by as you might imagine, and it could really impact your little ones quality of life in a very positive way in years to come.