I've refused CAMHS support. Will I get flagged up as a bad parent?

[Seline]

For a quick background I've got one DS with additional needs 3 and DS and DD who were born at 26 weeks and had a long NICU stay.

My 3 year old is speech delayed and has problems with biting when he can't communicate, and throws objects when frustrated. I've asked for support for him and got an EP involved and 121 support at his nursery which helps.

Today I was offered early CAMHS support. Apparently they come into your home and discuss the family and how to support him. Apparently all the work is in your house. I absolutely hate home visits because one I'm an introvert and it feels intrusive, I am very socially awkward and feel anxious with people and two I have so many appointments for the twins as they have ongoing medical concerns.

I was already worried about HV appointments for this reason but they have been very understanding.

I declined the camhs explaining that I can't fit it in and want some normality at home after such a long hospitalization. They said that's fine and they'll just document it was offered

Am I going to be flagged as difficult for this? I have a huge fear of losing my children (dying/kidnapping/SS/Getting lost) because I was told several times they would die and it's left me quite worried.

Winging thank you. It's a combination of it not being right for him or me currently. I don't want his house medicalised and I don't think I can deal with extra appointments when I've already got so many.

I must say the actual SW who have replied do seem lovely.

The only mental health issues I have is anxiety due to my children nearly dying which is a fairly normal response.

I need to add that I feel the same about my home. I am autistic and have depression and anxiety, yet I manage to suck it up for home visits for my ds1.

slightly different but we were referred to SS for early help (I am guessing this is slightly different to cahms early help) The social worker spoke to us on the phone and when I listed all the health professionals involved with our child they said that they felt yet another professional coming to the home would be too much for our child so they would only come out for us if we really felt they could offer something we needed but their feeling was it wasn't right at this point in time. So even social services can say 'this isn't helpful at this point in time'
Its just a shame camhs cant be more flexible /accessible for you such as meeting at nursery.

grasspigeons also helpful to know. Thank you for that!

That sounds like a very hard decision to make, Seline

It can be very hard to get any meaningful CAMHS support , often it is impossible to get any at all it is so very overstretched. Many people fight tooth and nail for it. I can see why some poster are somewhat aghast at you choice to turn it down, especially when you have been told it is a now or never deal!

But all else you have in place for him, all the other stuff you have going on and your own issues seem to make your choice the right one for you!

Maybe stay off AIBU for this one

Wow, it sounds like a very challenging time for you, no wonder these appointments feel overwhelming. Yes it tends to be very difficult to get a CAMHS assessment for children, often having to wait years, but on the other hand as a carer myself I completely understand that your first priority has to be keeping yourself well enough to support all your children, because if you go under it will impact on all of you.

DH and I both have mental health problems with formal services supporting us and have found a huge ammount of positive support from these sources. Im currently 28+2 and I've never felt any worries about DD being taken away from us, because of our mental health, although I have experienced discrimination and negative comments from a couple of professionals at our GP surgery, this has been the exception rather than the rule.

I keep being told by the midwife and perinatal MH professionals that babies do better with well Mums, and the best thing that I can do for DD is to prioritise my own mental health.

Will your hatred of having people in your home impact playdates when your DS wants to have friends round?

I understand that you can feel overwhelmed by so many people being involved with your children but will CAMHS be helping your DS in a different way from other health professionals?

Am I going to be flagged as difficult for this?

Nope. They've said it's fine. What you could also do is to write them a letter, thanking them for offering you and DS support and, explaining some of what you've said here about why you find it difficult to access their support right now. And even asking if you could visit them instead.

Because you never know your luck - they might even offer help in a way that meets your needs better, if you tell them what your needs are. (Well we can dream!)

I've also refused some therapy sessions for DS when they weren't practical for us and they assured me that this wouldn't decrease DS's chance of being offered the same sessions again, at a later date. Different services may vary on this.

I was treated for depression as a teenager due to some issues that have now been resolved.

I don't know if it's any comfort but I've had more therapy than you can shake a stick at, as a teen and as an adult. When DS had his first interview with the clinical psych for an ASC assessment the psych started asking about family background, I started telling him, and he airily waved a hand and said "ah yes, potty family syndrome". I laughed and agreed. I didn't even need to carry on. And DS got his diagnosis and nothing was "blamed" on me. Every now and again the psych did ask how I was coping and checked that I wasn't in a bout of unmanaged depression, but that was fine. The clinical psych was also very approving that I was seeing a counsellor myself while DS was being diagnosed. I'm not being dismissive about your fears but what I mean is that the professionals do see these things regularly and they - well, at least some of them - do understand.

And I'm really sorry about your bad experience in the past. Of course that will shake your trust in the profession, and if you are already anxious that would only make things worse!

One thing that strikes me is that you do sound quite anxious, and even if the anxiety does reduce temporarily, it might be good to get some long-term help for it, because it sounds as if you have long-term social anxiety issues which aren't just to do with the prem birth. And it also sounds as if your own anxieties might be interfering with your ability to access help for your DS, at least on this occasion.

And the more open you can be about what's bothering you - by which I mean, not saying "nasty professionals intruding into my home" but saying "I'm anxious and my family have a lot of additional needs which I'm working flat-out to manage and I'd really like a different kind of help" - the more likely you are to get the right help.

Wishing you and your children the very best

As another poster mentioned, please remember that this help is for your child, not you. I have had dealings with CAMHS on three separate occasions for DS1: three different case workers came to my house. They were all very pleasant (although only two of them were good at their job!) and I actually had another two different case workers come once to pick up some paperwork. All lovely. I discharged my DS from the 1st case worker as I felt we'd gone as far as we could with her (she was a bit flakey and I too have anxiety: her flakiness was actually making me very agitated). We re-engaged a few years later, and the 2nd caseworker was amazing. Unfortunately she left after a few months, but her replacement was great, too. I found it important to have their input in order to get further with other help - it's always good to have someone in your corner, backing you up. If you are really feeling anxious about it, then ring and try and speak to the person you will be dealing with - tell them your concerns and maybe you will be more at ease about them coming to see you. There is no harm in meeting with them - if you feel they cannot help your DS, then you can discharge him at any time.

I absolutely hate home visits because one I'm an introvert and it feels intrusive, I am very socially awkward and feel anxious with people

I would personally want to work on this for the sake of your children. Social anxiety, introversion is very difficult to deal with in a parent. A friend of mine had a mother like this and it was very hard for her.

I also wouldn’t personally turn down CAMHS help offered to my home. They may be able to offer things that other services haven’t.

“The only mental health issues I have is anxiety due to my children nearly dying which is a fairly normal response.”

Absolutely agree.

Although do look after yourself and if you feel it’s getting out of hand and preventing you enjoying your family then do seek help. You’ve had a rough time x

Why post if you're so sure you're so right and amazing?

Seline you've clearly got a shitload if interventions going on and it must be exhausting

I turned down a CAMHS referral, explained why and what I would be doing to address the particular issue and it was fine.

There's way too much pressure for 'early intervention', and our children, however delayed, need time to just be children, not 'worked' all the time and seen as a problem to be solved. There's also very little evidence base for the 'early interventions' typically on offer.

Difficulty establishing relationships with professionals like this is a personality disorder sign

FFS

“The only mental health issues I have is anxiety due to my children nearly dying which is a fairly normal response.”

That’s not entirely true. You were treated for depression as a teenager and as an adult you have social anxiety to the point that it prevents your child receiving care in your home.

This anxiety is not simply about the experience of having had sick babies. That happens to many people.

Op when my dd was nearly 5 we had a very close, very shock loss.
My mh/ anxiety suffered as did dd's.
She ended up with home play therapy. I dreaded the woman coming into the house each time. The first appointment I was stressed and flustered and wanted the prefect. I felt antious and uncomfortable.
By week 6 she would come in help me pick up some toys have a cup of tea and get to work.
The unknown is awful but after the initial visit it was fine.
You could maybe arrange the first one and work up to it. And if it's not sutable then delay it.
But the help dd got was fantastic and I am so glad i forced myself to be uncomfortable.

I am not judging though I know how hard it is. I have people in my own environment

*hate sorry

You may well find in the future that your child needs support and you won't get it. The older they get, the harder it is to access CAMHS. If they think he needs this level of support, then they foresee serious problems down the line if he doesn't get it. If you accept this now, you may nip all sorts of serious problems in the bud before they get entrenched. A violent disturbed teenager is a far more difficult problem to sort than a troubled three-year-old. They can't assess what kind of help he needs without seeing him in the home environment. Please see how important this is.

I withdrew my child from Cahms. I found them very intrusive and felt they were looking for things that weren't there. My daughter who was 4 at the time, we think has ASD and was worried about her behaviour, so was referred to Cahms. They interrogated me as to whether my daughter was wanted and wanted to film us together, then analyse how we can improve out relationship. I never felt I had a problem with our relationship so I told them no.
It is voluntary, so you do not have to go. I once spoke to a worked for Cahms, (not in a professional setting) and she agreed they go about it the wrong way and the majority of parents withdraw their child. Not sure how true this is, but I can understand why.

Are you getting help for your anxiety?

I have anxiety and ptsd triggered by ds being so ill. I self referred for a course of counselling a couple of years back and it was the best thing I could have done for both me and dh.

What happens when your children start wanting to have friends over to play? You should make sorting out this anxiety a priority as it's already impacting your children. And I say that as someone who has been through something similar.

No-one can flag you as difficult, you have been offered an appt, you have declined it due to your family circumstances at this time, it's fine. If you chose to decline all appointments and interventions, then that would be a different matter. Even then, there would need to be concerns about your children's welfare for something to happen. In that case contact may be made with SS or the GP, but you cannot be "flagged" on any system for this.

I would add, however, do be cautious about going down the private route (which you have mentioned would be an option for you). If you do this, and your DS is diagnosed with a particular condition, it can sometimes be difficult to get the NHS & the LA to recognise this.

I've had to accept people in my home when I didn't want it.long boring story ,but basically every week 2 people troop throughout my home and check on my child..I hated it ..I could of refused ,but would my child of got the help get needed if I had..said no ...? so I put him first..it's what you do as a parent.

You need to get help for your anxiety. Having children with additional needs creates stress and it probably won't reduce as they get older and you find you have to fight for everything.