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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've refused CAMHS support. Will I get flagged up as a bad parent?

232 replies

Seline · 17/01/2019 14:27

For a quick background I've got one DS with additional needs 3 and DS and DD who were born at 26 weeks and had a long NICU stay.

My 3 year old is speech delayed and has problems with biting when he can't communicate, and throws objects when frustrated. I've asked for support for him and got an EP involved and 121 support at his nursery which helps.

Today I was offered early CAMHS support. Apparently they come into your home and discuss the family and how to support him. Apparently all the work is in your house. I absolutely hate home visits because one I'm an introvert and it feels intrusive, I am very socially awkward and feel anxious with people and two I have so many appointments for the twins as they have ongoing medical concerns.

I was already worried about HV appointments for this reason but they have been very understanding.

I declined the camhs explaining that I can't fit it in and want some normality at home after such a long hospitalization. They said that's fine and they'll just document it was offered

Am I going to be flagged as difficult for this? I have a huge fear of losing my children (dying/kidnapping/SS/Getting lost) because I was told several times they would die and it's left me quite worried.

OP posts:
donajimena · 17/01/2019 15:00

Oh dear. You clearly have a lot going on but I think you have made a huge mistake. If you are so confident this is the right decision why did you post?

MeetJoeTurquoise · 17/01/2019 15:02

Take the support offered. We've been waiting months to see CAMHS and my mental health is taking a battering. However from previous experience with them and my son, it can open doors for other support that you can't otherwise access.

Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 15:02

My decision isn't what I'm questioning. It's whether I'll get a red flag against my name as non co-operative or difficult. The person who offered it to me said she'd recommend it but it is completely optional and she doesn't want me to feel pressured and understands with everything that's going on why I might not want it.

OP posts:
LIZS · 17/01/2019 15:04

Would suggest you ask them to make an initial visit after which you can review any suggested action plan. Is there one room you could allow for it. You may find it helpful to have one twin occupied while you can spend time with the other one to one,

Missingstreetlife · 17/01/2019 15:05

She said it's fine

rainbowbash · 17/01/2019 15:06

I get that he gets support in nursery but don't you think they might have given you help with certain challenging aspects of home life?

I have a child with complex needs and think you have been incredibly unreasonable.

MeetJoeTurquoise · 17/01/2019 15:06

My son was speech delayed at three, aggressive because he could t communicate. He was diagnosed autistic by CAMHS. I'm not saying your dc is ASD but it may be helpful having him observed in his home environment.

Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 15:07

I would be completely open to this if it occurred in a hospital or healthcare setting. It's the making my home, my sanctuary and my children's sanctuary, into another venue where they're measured and compared and assessed that's the problem. I want this to be a refuge for them, not another place where unpleasant things occur. They all have medical needs and they all seem to hate them, I don't want that in their home.

On a personal level I have panic attacks around strangers and don't want to feel uneasy in my own home.

OP posts:
Xmastummyhasgonebig · 17/01/2019 15:07

I'm a social worker. It's absolutely fine to decline it, it sounds like you already have so much to deal with. I totally understand wanting to keep your house as a safe haven, please don't worry you will not be judged by services for this.

Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 15:09

Xmastummyhasgonebig thank you so much for answering. I understand why I might seem stupid to people who have been after this support but I desperately need my family and myself to have a place where we can just be a family and not patients.

OP posts:
potatoscone · 17/01/2019 15:13

YABU.

Being an introvert I do understand, but there is a point where your child's welfare should overtake.

Lovemusic33 · 17/01/2019 15:13

OP, I kind of understand, I got totally fed up with people coming to the house and me going to appointments, both my dd’s we’re going through diagnosis, physio and OT at the same time, then there was portage (great service but another home visit) as well as trying to sort out support at school and nursery (more visits), it does get stressful and you feel like your life is no longer your own. I got to the point where I had to refuse some appointments as it was summer holidays and we were spending more time at the hospital than we were out having fun, my dd hated OT and Physio and it was stressing both dd’s out. We have yet again been referred back to physio and I have refused it.

It’s not easy Sad

I am grateful that we have had lots of help and I have taken most of it but there were times I just wanted to shout “no more!”.

rainbowbash · 17/01/2019 15:13

It's the making my home, my sanctuary and my children's sanctuary, into another venue where they're measured and compared and assessed that's the problem

that is not how I experienced home visits. At. All.

Littlemust · 17/01/2019 15:14

Difficulty establishing relationships with professionals like this is a personality disorder sign. If your son's behaviour doesn't improve and he doesn't receive an all encompassing diagnosis, your decision to not engage will absolutely be used against you.

MycatsaPirate · 17/01/2019 15:15

I'm mum to a DD with ASD and I suffer badly with anxiety, however I still battled hard for 7 years to get the diagnosis and support she needs.

As others have said, this support is not offered readily for most people. The reason they want to come to your home is to observe your son in the place he feels most comfortable and have an informal chat about how things are with him. They are not intrusive or looking to make you feel threatened, they are there to assess and see what sort of help he needs.

My DD had assessments at home as well as being seen at hospital. She was much more relaxed at home and more engaged with the lady from SALT who made things into a game with her.

Perhaps have a chat with your husband and see if he would be able to get time off to be at home while an assessment takes place.

Unfortunately you may struggle to get another opportunity like this.

Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 15:16

Lovemusic I'm glad someone understands. Our lives have been consumed by hospitals and professionals and tests for so long now, and I don't want any of my children to not have a childhood.

I haven't refused all support for him, I've got some very good support in place for him and I'd like to see if it helps him before accepting something that will medicalise the only safe area we have.

OP posts:
Buscake · 17/01/2019 15:18

Camhs probably won’t accept a referral again when he is 5, because you turned down intervention when he was 3. It shows that you don’t engage with services, and are unlikely to stick with the care plan. Please listen to other posters and reconsider.

Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 15:18

Difficulty establishing relationships with professionals like this is a personality disorder sign. If your son's behaviour doesn't improve and he doesn't receive an all encompassing diagnosis, your decision to not engage will absolutely be used against you.

How? And I don't have difficulty with professionals. My son's health visitor, dietician, pediatrician, nursery workers and speech therapists have never had any concerns about me and I have never had any problems with them.

OP posts:
incywincybitofa · 17/01/2019 15:19

Your son has entered a stream of support its almost like a checklist. It is a step on a pathway
You have declined one step of the support but I assume are still accepting the other steps offered. So UNLESS there is more reason to be concerned about your son then nothing more should happen.
If they were concerned they might speak to your GP or HV who will most likely say all is fine with the family
There is so much more you have to do than turn something down to loose your child(ren) i say that as an adopter!
You simply aren't in a position to engage with family therapy.
Camhs is very hard to access for a lot of things but some streams of service provision are easier to access than others. I waited months for my son to see CAMHs but it was for something totally different a friend waited weeks for something fairly similar to what you are describing you aren't turning doen high level input with your son suffering unnecessarily you are are turning down sometimes where they may well come in and tell you to carry on as you are.

Sirzy · 17/01/2019 15:19

It being in the home is actually a good way to unmedicalise it. At three they would simply see it as someone coming into the house to play with them!

We are under 16 different medical teams. I get it’s shit. I still think that long term this refusal may create more problems than it solves

Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 15:19

It shows that you don’t engage with services, and are unlikely to stick with the care plan. Please listen to other posters and reconsider.

It shows I have lots of medical appointments going on and that it's the wrong time, like I told them. It's not as if I just said no without any explanation.

OP posts:
Wingingitwell · 17/01/2019 15:20

I’m a mental health social worker and I have done children’s services.

Only you can decide if the help will work for you, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot and that your child has support in place. It is important that you decide whether this support is right for your child on the basis of their needs not yours. If it’s about you not wanting people in your house then that’s easily resolved, I’m sure they’d be happy to see you at your local children’s centre. But if it’s about the support not seeming right for you child then you don’t have to accept, as you say there is already input and the value of quality family time is not to be underestimated.

I think sometimes professionals throw every service they can think of at a family with the best of intentions but it’s important to get the right balance. Perhaps it will be worth considering again once the EP and ST have completed their input.

There is no such thing as a “red flag” or “bad mark”, I don’t know where you think this would exist but there’s a lot of scaremongering about social services. If they have told you they don’t want you to feel pressured and then that is the truth. It really is.

It’s not easy, this parenting lark, all the best with it x

MiceSqueakCatsMeow · 17/01/2019 15:21

You're bonkers. We got rejected from CAMHS because ds1 doesn't 'fit into their pathways '. I'd love to get some support for him. It's also really selfish of you to deny your child the help he needs because you don't like people in your house. Make time.

Original poster
Seline · 17/01/2019 15:21

incy thank you. I don't know why people think I'm turning down all support and not engaging with professionals. The entire problem is we have many professionals involved and this would be too much

OP posts:
Slothslothsloth · 17/01/2019 15:23

OP you sound like you have serious mental health concerns of your own that you need to deal with —are you getting help for them?