I've refused CAMHS support. Will I get flagged up as a bad parent?

[Seline]

For a quick background I've got one DS with additional needs 3 and DS and DD who were born at 26 weeks and had a long NICU stay.

My 3 year old is speech delayed and has problems with biting when he can't communicate, and throws objects when frustrated. I've asked for support for him and got an EP involved and 121 support at his nursery which helps.

Today I was offered early CAMHS support. Apparently they come into your home and discuss the family and how to support him. Apparently all the work is in your house. I absolutely hate home visits because one I'm an introvert and it feels intrusive, I am very socially awkward and feel anxious with people and two I have so many appointments for the twins as they have ongoing medical concerns.

I was already worried about HV appointments for this reason but they have been very understanding.

I declined the camhs explaining that I can't fit it in and want some normality at home after such a long hospitalization. They said that's fine and they'll just document it was offered

Am I going to be flagged as difficult for this? I have a huge fear of losing my children (dying/kidnapping/SS/Getting lost) because I was told several times they would die and it's left me quite worried.

This thread makes me dispair! OP you are not being unreasonable. Your anxiety is totally understandable after what you have been through. You absolutly have the right to turn down the offer of CAHMS. Your personality is not disorded. I suggest you step away from AIBU. There are a lot of people happy to post utter bolllocks to a stranger on the internet. Note too most of the reponses form social workers have been posted in support to reassure you. Take care of yourself as you are clearly already doing that for your children.

For the record my 4 year old nearly died as a baby. And my 2 year old has been close several times and no doubt there will be many more close calls in the future. This makes me all the more determined no matter how uncomfortable it makes me to get all the help my 2 year old needs. I am willing to be put in front of whatever professionals i have to be to ensure he gets thr help he needs. We are struggling to get appointments for anything and he is pretty severly autistic. I wouldnt turn down anything that was offered my way. That help you're saying no to is being waited on by other kids for month on end

I’d read some of the thread, saw you’re getting a bit jumped on.

I have a child we high needs, I have been selective with support. After careful though I disengaged completely with the child development team (very long story, but I considered it a lot).

No flags were raised despite needs. I still see the team at other appointments and have no funniness or issue, they can see I know my child. As we are known to SLt, CAMHS, epilepsy team, dietician, audiology, asd clinic, specialist nursing and probably someone else I’ve forgotten they know she’s neither an unseen child nor are we in family breakdown. So not red flags raised. Don’t stress (ha ha ha... right?)

People don’t always understand how wearing it is constantly having support and appointments and it’s a cause of stress in itself with kids with high needs. Sometimes you need to step back and regroup to get sanity.

Camhs are excellent and so many people have to wait months to get appointments. If they are offering I'd bite their hand off. It's hard to get a referral I'd try and Make it work your son will benefit so much from their input.

Also regarding CAMHS, it varies in areas. Some they offer parenting classes, not just high needs. We’ve had various referrals to them (asd support parents groups, LD assessment..) that aren’t high needs MH help as stuff. I’m sometimes strung out and bloody awkward and they are not phased. They’ve seen it all and certainlydont run around with unneeded safeguarding on top of their workload

My child isn't "seriously delayed" nor are there serious concerns. I've been told (after I raised the query myself) they think he may have early signs of ADHD (theres family history of it) and he has delayed speech due to having glue ear for a while. Nothing else.

It’s also important to consider how YOU feel about support, you are the key supporter of your child. You know them. There’s things we can work with, and things that don’t work for us. I was offered loads of basically ‘let’s talk it out in a group stuff’. I REALLY hate that. Instead of comfort it caused anxiety and more stress. Silly to go to if it makes me a weaker parent

Note too most of the reponses form social workers have been posted in support to reassure you. Take care of yourself as you are clearly already doing that for your children.
I noticed this too.

Thank you. My children are everything to me and I would never do anything I believed to be harmful to them.

People don’t always understand how wearing it is constantly having support and appointments and it’s a cause of stress in itself with kids with high needs. Sometimes you need to step back and regroup to get sanity.*
Thank you I agree completely.

I think you have to put the child’s needs before your own. It’s hard sometimes but has to be done.

I don't think he'd benefit from a frazzled mum who's stressed about multiple appointments nor from his home being another place he has assessments.

Yes it does raise a fed flag when professional help is offered and refused.

I've known a couple of families turn down CAMHs because they were worried about them 'digging' into their family life and finding things out about the family that they wanted kept quiet.

If you’re in a position where you can afford private care, I definitely think you should access it for your anxiety.

You are saying a few things which long term, if not dealt with, could mean in the future you do present concerns to the authorities. Things that would be noticed when your kids are in school for sure.

If you try and deal with it now, privately, you can find someone you like by shopping around.

I would not accept it either. Camhs support is not always excellent and I think many people have no idea how unsupportive some of these services can be. It is also very intrusive to have people in your house essentially assessing your parenting and looking for reasons why your child is having problems with their behaviour when the main reason is that they have a disability! Take the support that YOU feel will be helpful and decline things that are going to cause you additional stress that will not make life easier.

You know your kid, OP. We don't.
Nobody in CAMHS will judge you for declining a CAMHS appointment if now isn't the right time. You can go back later if you need it; the Govt is transforming CAMHS across the UK over the next 5 years and depending where you live your CAMHS may already be part of the transformation and if not, it will be.

You are saying a few things which long term, if not dealt with, could mean in the future you do present concerns to the authorities. Things that would be noticed when your kids are in school for sure.

Like what? I don't think the authorities will be concerned about me when there's child abusers and crack addicts around.

I was traumatised by my dd hospitslation but she was 1.5 years old and therefore had a v v different experience, as far as she was concerned she played in the play room as met lots of lovey new people. a visitor coming to your home who plays and engages with your child is going to be fun for him, your child will not view it the same way as you do.
Whilst I simpathise with your anxieties NOBODY likes visitors like that in their home we just have to get over it and put the children’s needs above your own in this case

I don’t think the CAMHS support will necessarily be make or break for your son if you have access to other forms of support already and are ready to get him assessed, privately if necessarily, when he’s slightly older. If there’s a chance he has ASD though (and it sounds like there is?) it would be best for him if this can be confirmed before he starts school.

Regarding the thing about your social anxiety not allowing people in the house - I’m concerned you don’t see this as a bigger problem. It will certainly become one as your children age. I was unable to have friends in my house for another reason (volatile home situation) and it was just miserable on top of all the other stuff. If you truly want your children to see your home as a “sanctuary”, I recommend getting the help you need in order to allow them to lead social lives there.

I can also see this seriously affecting your ability to do things like attend or throw parties for them, or really take part in any group event. I’m not judging you; social anxiety is hard, and I’ve been there. But if this will cause your kids to miss out, you need to be honest with yourself about that, even if addressing the issue is scary.

Btw I’m sure you are doing your best. Your situation sounds like a massive amount for anyone to deal with.

Regarding the thing about your social anxiety not allowing people in the house - I’m concerned you don’t see this as a bigger problem. It will certainly become one as your children age. I was unable to have friends in my house for another reason (volatile home situation) and it was just miserable on top of all the other stuff. If you truly want your children to see your home as a “sanctuary”, I recommend getting the help you need in order to allow them to lead social lives there.

I don't "not let anyone in", I'm fine with kids friends as I'm not expected to make small talk with the child. What I'm not fine with is adults dropping in for coffee or parent chats or friends having a natter. I don't really enjoy socialising, I'd rather read a book.

I can also see this seriously affecting your ability to do things like attend or throw parties for them, or really take part in any group event. I’m not judging you; social anxiety is hard, and I’ve been there. But if this will cause your kids to miss out, you need to be honest with yourself about that, even if addressing the issue is scary.

I attend parties I just don't talk to many of the parents. Wouldn't throw one in my house but don't have an issue hiring a venue.

I never had or went to parties as a child or teenager they didn't interest me. I spent my birthdays visiting museums or the cinema! The idea that all kids need or want parties isn't true.

I don't think it's a crime to be happily asocial

Yes it will be a flag, refusing help and support for a child should always be a flag.

You need to resolve your own issues so that they don't have to be refused anything else. A close friend grew up with a parent with anxiety issues and she is still dealing with the effects of those well into adulthood.

I would be more concerned that you could be faltering the chance to get a diagnosis for him as early as possible. CAMHS do not get involved because children are biting. You mentioned just now they suspect he may have ADHD. In that case I would definitely engage with them, it can be very hard to actually get help when you need it.

OP you won't be 'flagged' as you are clearly engaging with services that benefit your son. I think some posters are more than likely shocked because they are desperate for the support you declined.

However, I think you should really take some time to be honest about your own MH. My DD had almost died on so many occasions I've lost count in her first couple of years (she was christened in hospital as they said she only had hours left). It took me a long time to come to terms with the experience and not cry when explaining to anyone what had happened. I also know what it's like to have lots of appointments with health professionals - again I also had this - it's very difficult to describe what it's like without having gone through it.

I may be completely wrong but your posts come across as your highly anxious. Im sure you know that any health professional in your home will just play and observe your child - it's nothing like being in a medical setting. But it sounds as if your anxiety may be building it up to be a horrible, intrusive experience. Like I said I may be wrong.

for you, it's really tough getting over the experience of having your children almost die and then managing lots of appointment.

Thing is you won't have cams in your house every day or even weekly.

They may not take action but it will be noted that you refused help which won't look good.

Dilly I am anxious but that's because these events are very new. Over time it'll ease.

I'm sorry you went through that.

I don't "not let anyone in", I'm fine with kids friends as I'm not expected to make small talk with the child. What I'm not fine with is adults dropping in for coffee or parent chats or friends having a natter.

But you will as they get older. And you will have to talk to your children’s friends parents.

I agree with a PP that it’s a concern you don’t see this as bigger issue.

It’s very very hard for children to have parents who function like this. Some introvert, socially anxious parents can have extrovert children, but very often children pick up on their parents’ cues and behaviour and continue the painful pattern of social anxiety.