I've refused CAMHS support. Will I get flagged up as a bad parent?

[Seline]

For a quick background I've got one DS with additional needs 3 and DS and DD who were born at 26 weeks and had a long NICU stay.

My 3 year old is speech delayed and has problems with biting when he can't communicate, and throws objects when frustrated. I've asked for support for him and got an EP involved and 121 support at his nursery which helps.

Today I was offered early CAMHS support. Apparently they come into your home and discuss the family and how to support him. Apparently all the work is in your house. I absolutely hate home visits because one I'm an introvert and it feels intrusive, I am very socially awkward and feel anxious with people and two I have so many appointments for the twins as they have ongoing medical concerns.

I was already worried about HV appointments for this reason but they have been very understanding.

I declined the camhs explaining that I can't fit it in and want some normality at home after such a long hospitalization. They said that's fine and they'll just document it was offered

Am I going to be flagged as difficult for this? I have a huge fear of losing my children (dying/kidnapping/SS/Getting lost) because I was told several times they would die and it's left me quite worried.

It's both. I don't think he needs it anyway as his behaviour is getting better as his speech improves. They offered it to me without even seeing him purely on the basis of me saying he bites.

Sorry, hit enter too soon!

However, if it really is the case that you declined it because it was unsuitable and other medical appointments are a priority then of course YANBU. You just need to be very clear in your mind that that's the case. I say this with kindness, not cruelty. You obviously have a lot on your plate and you're handling it well. Just don't neglect your own mental health as that can impact on your children too.

Well, there you are then. If you don't think he needs it because the problem is resolving itself, than of course that's fine. The added bonus of not having to have the home appointment is neither here nor there.

They offered it to me without even seeing him purely on the basis of me saying he bites.

It can't be purely on that basis. Many three year olds bite. That may be the only reason why you asked them for help but it wont be the only reason why they offered it.

I am not saying you are wrong to decide you are under too much stress to accept CAMHS' offer just now. You are doing your best in a very difficult situation. But this is a key time for your DS. He will be starting school soon? If he potentially has an ASC then the school may need CAMHS input even if the nursery don't, and your DS might have a long wait if he goes into the over-fives service. Sigh. Sometimes there are just no easy answers!

Kleinzeit he's already being assessed and I asked for extra support with him biting as he seemed unhappy at the moment because I was in hospital. They told me it's a new service in the area and because it's new it's really useful

When people say it wont be flagged I dont actually think thats true.

Not the same but I had a malicious referal made about me to SS, They did the standard “can we contact school, gp etc” I said yes, anyway case was closed with zero concerns, yet a few weeks later when I took my son to the gp it was on the system that I was “under social services” despite case being closed so I believe they do flag things and I wouldnt expect a SW to admit it on this thread.
I dont actually think yabu though op, Im pretty certain I have ASD (have 2 children with it) and I hate people in my house, I would struggle with it, luckily mine have never needed it.

I'm glad other people with ASD have said they hate it as well because a few earlier posters seemed to think I was just a horrible person.

No its definitely not just you, I keep people at the door unless theres no choice. I rarely have people round mainly just my sister.

When my son started school they wanted to do a home visit, luckily I managed to avoid it but apparently I was unreasonable for that! People should realise everyone is different.

I only really have my mum and dad round to mine. My mum is almost certainly on the spectrum too so there's no pressure to be social or have to worry about saying the wrong thing. I meet friends out the house, that way when it gets too much I can just make an excuse and go home. It's much harder to chuck someone out when you've had enough!

It's a combination of it not being right for him or me currently.

No. CAMHS support is right for him. But it is inconvenient for you.

I'm with peachgreen here - you've said that
You want their home to be a sanctuary
You want to have a pillow fort
You will neglect your other babies
You will be too anxious
You can pay anyway
And only now you say he doesn't need it. is that really true or what you want to be true? All the other reasons are about you and not him.
At my work I see mums who go hungry for weeks to get their child a school trip, or who have to beg the authority for help for a year before getting a referral, so it is a concerning that your anxiety is so strong it overwhelms your desire to help your son when is assistance is offered.

I have an SEN (autism) son who is 3 also.

I also HATE people being in my home and have never had friends over. BUT I have had to have multiple people visiting and observing my son and they usually only stay for an hour, I have anxiety about it all day and the days leading up but it’s fine and it’s necessary.

If you deny CAHMS involvement now it may be harder to invoke them in the future and to be honest any and ALL suport is relevant. Although I’m surprised they haven’t referred you onto your local child development centre instead of CAHMs which is for older children.

Did you ask them if they could do it elsewhere?

CAHMS are notoriously difficult to get help from and I know MANY parents who have been begging for years and they’ve gotten nowhere so I would accept the help as it’s a rare offer I believe

No it isn't right for him Tippexy. I know my son better than online strangers.

Stuck it's both. He improves as his speech improves, his biting is from frustration. It would be concerning if I refused all help. I don't. I refused one specific thing that I don't think will be useful for him or me.

I did ask and was told no it had to be at home if I wanted the support. I asked what the support was and they said they'd assess him at home, visit him and take it from there. Which sounds very vague to me.

I have had HV hone visit, pre school home visit, Inclusion suport service homie visit and I will also have an educational psychologist come and visit in the next few months.. and I feel the same as you do but as a parent it’s my job to make sure I get the most support available even though it made me very uncomfortable. They are professionals and won’t linger

I have an EP who will most likely visit and I'm fine with that as he will benefit from their involvement and I understand exactly what's going on, what the purpose is, what the aim is and what we will get out of it.

This doesn't tick those boxes.

Did you ask CAHMs what the visits would involve? I’m sure they would give you information as to what the visits would entail, when and how often. There’s no reason they would turn up without willingly explaining over the phone of via email what’s going on

OP please don't start Vaping if you have never smoked . I think you need to start some sort of hobby that you can complete at home while the DC are in bed. I have always fancied getting a potters wheel and throwing clay or painting, but I am hopeless at drawing, is there something you fancy doing ?

PregnantSea - Vaping has been shown to be a lot less harmful than smoking . Where is you evidence for 'Popcorn Lung' . Cancer research released a comprehensive investigation into smoking v vaping

www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/causes-of-cancer/smoking-and-cancer/are-e-cigarettes-harmful

& The British Heart Foundation -
www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/news/behind-the-headlines/e-cigarettes-rcp-report.

I would be interested in your evidence ?

Whoops wrong post ...damn phone

If you are turning down much needed support for a child with difficulties due to your own mental health, prioritizing your own needs over your child’s and are unable to balance accommodating his needs with those of your other children who also require specialist attention I would say you are struggling to cope. This is the kind of thing (refusal to engage with professionals, namely CAMHS) that SS to look at.

Rainbow I'm not struggling to cope at all. In fact I'm very calm and enjoying having my children despite the extensive medical needs. However there are only so many hours in the day and I can't be in two places at once.

I'm not "not engaging" though, am I? I have a health visitor, dietician, pediatrician, and speech therapist involved who are all very happy with how my son is doing. Refusing one particular thing that I feel is not right for him or our family isn't "not engaging

OP I responded earlier on this thread.

But I just wanted to say if I was you I would hide this thread now. You wanted to know if you would get flagged for declining the support. Professionals have answered that you wouldn't - I personally would take that as your answer.

Enjoy your day with your babies, rather than having to repeatedly explain that you are engaged with lots of other services. Unless of course you do feel this discussion generally is helpful for you.

I didn’t say I know your son?

I do know that nationally, CAMHS thresholds for involvement are so high that for your son to be accepted for support means that he must really need it.

You must be honest with yourself; the fact you don’t want them involved stems from your own historical issues, not from your son’s needs, which have been clinically assessed and determined as requiring support.

I don't think you are a horrible person at all. And if your DS is already "in the system" and in the process of being diagnosed then it's not unreasonable to decide that this particular help isn't best for your family right now. It's a complex judgment call.

I did ask and was told no it had to be at home if I wanted the support. I asked what the support was and they said they'd assess him at home, visit him and take it from there. Which sounds very vague to me.

Hm. You may not know what the benefit would be, and they may not be able to tell you at this stage what the benefit would be, but that is not the same as there being no likely benefit. They haven't met your DS yet. They don't know yet what he'd benefit from. But they might come up with some good things that you haven't thought of, or didn't know existed. Less obviously, especially if they are a new service they probably don't know yet exactly what they have to offer. They might be putting together a list of kids and preparing something to help kids on that list, exactly what depends on which kids they get and what their needs are, and your DS and his specific needs could be on that list. If it's a new service your DS is likely to get the best of it. Still, I can see why this might not be a good time.

This is the kind of thing (refusal to engage with professionals, namely CAMHS) that SS to look at.

Well, social services know about it and they're OK with it, Seline said so. The social worker isn't seeing it as refusal to engage. They know she has a lot on her plate.