To have called him out in a spectacularly rude way..

[KittyVonCatsworth]

I know I need to manage my emotions and subsequent actions / behaviour better. I try, I really do bite my tongue but even holding it in I've just got one of those easy to read faces. Even when I'm trying to look nonplussed, people can obviously tell ( my manager commented about it just recently). However, I was just instantly triggered today and if I don't learn new techniques I'm never going to be one of those leaders that I aspire to be.

Today, a member of the team who I've had issues with answers the office phone and was quite abrupt with them. Another member of the team asked who it was after he finished the call and he replied 'just some tart from EDF'. It instantly got my heckles up and I said 'when I thought I couldn't dislike you any more than I do, you call women tarts you repulsive old cunt'. I then went a bit further with a character assassination. In my head and in my heart this is what I felt and IWBU, but I really want to know how others maintain a breezy, professional demeanour. I think eventually my tongue will be my downfall.

Please don't suggest I should apologise to him though, he's going in 2 weeks and his feelings aren't that important to me as he has the self awareness of a stick (which I also mentioned) so it would make no difference.

How do people manage their thoughts not manifesting into words and actions? This isn't necessary about the context of this example so I'm not looking for flaming or congratulations, just techniques if you have them.

wrong to call him a cunt in my opinion.

bite your tongue i think is the answer op.
count to ten, under your breath.
be pleasant, you will go further

Did this really happen? Do you really have no filter?

I just don’t say all of the things I think out loud-it’s quite simple really.

What you said was far worse than what he said. I’d be surprised if someone doesn’t put in a complaint about you.

Well I start with just icy looks and don't swear in the office

I can't believe you used the word cunt in the office!

Sounds like you just called a spade a spade. Or a cunt a cunt

So it would be ok for someone to talk to you like this at work??

There are ways of reprimanding / telling someone off you know that arent as offensive and abusive.

My goodness! I would be facing disciplinary action for doing that in my work place.

You need to learn to count to ten or something because you absolutely cannot speak like this to colleagues. You are paid to behave professionally at work, which includes during interactions with coworkers.

I hope you're not his manager because that would open up a whole load of other issues for you.

It may be you that's going in 2 weeks! If some one called me a cunt in the work place I'd make it my mission to get rid of them.

I know Horace, I can't explain it other than the word and sentence was so quickly constructed in my head then even quicker out of my mouth. I instantly knew I lost my point when I used the word.

I have thick skin, not easily offended.
HR would be aware of that conversation had you addressed me in that way.

If you want to be management, you may need a personality transplant along the way

Surely you could point out to him that he was being unprofessional and sexist in a slightly more professional manner?

Even if you don't care what he thinks, what about your other colleagues who were in the room?

Honestly what you did was unacceptably unprofessional and you should be expecting misconduct action to be taken against you by your manager.

If you were one of my team members you would have been suspended on the spot and invited to a formal hearing.

Wow!

Wow! If you'd have said that in my office you'd be being taken through disciplinary measures, regardless of whether he's leaving the organisation soon or not.

You're absolutely right: if you can't learn to master yourself your ability to be a leader will be seriously curtailed, if indeed anyone is willing to take the risk to give you a chance in the first place.

Time to learn to bite your tongue (literally if necessary!), and if you can't trust yourself to prevent your outburst then remove yourself from the situation by going on a tea-run, or a loo break or something.

Good luck!!

That’s way beyond any acceptable behaviour! I’d be expecting to lose my job if I spoke to a colleague like that.

It's simple really. You "manage" those you like, and those you dont. You are not required to like all those who work for you. You are, however, required (by virtue of your position ) to be polite to them. You were not. You are a bad manager.

HTH

when I thought I couldn't dislike you any more than I do, you call women tarts you repulsive old cunt'

I can't believe you actually said this in a work setting. He was unprofessional but you were appalling. If you said that in my workplace, a complaint would be made. To be honest, I think you need to apologise to those who heard you say it as much as to him.

And you are right. Your tongue will get you into a lot of trouble some day.

People control themselves. That is what they do. They think something but don't say it because they understand what is appropriate and then control themselves. If you genuinely can't do this, then you need to get some therapy/counselling which will teach you how to manage your thoughts and control your behaviour.

Really? How hard can it be to just not say anything?

Dirty looks are one thing, what you said is another league entirely. You don't even seem to think it's a problem - only because other people might think badly of you. No, you will never be anything aspirational if you can't react appropriately. Whether or not you like someone.

Never mind calling him a cunt, why is his sexism not ok but your ageism is?

Appropriate response would have been to speak to him privately and tell him what the problem was, directly, without swearing or personal insults. Or reported to HR. But you know that, it's not rocket science.

“Triggered” makes my teeth itch.

You can’t behave like that at work OP. You lowered yourself well below his low level.

Inexcusable. I'd have reported both of you to HR. You're in the wrong job if you are that incapable of being even moderately professional. How embarrassing.

You lost any moral high ground you might otherwise have had by responding to his misogynist word with.... a misogynist word.

**Honestly what you did was unacceptably unprofessional and you should be expecting misconduct action to be taken against you by your manager.

If you were one of my team members you would have been suspended on the spot and invited to a formal hearing.**

^This

Oh Gods. That thought bubble became a speech bubble. Um, you're in the poo.

Listen, I know all this. I'm not so socially inept that I don't know that it's not the right way to deal with it. Thankfully there were just 2 others (one of them not English speaking) that were in the office at the time.