To have called him out in a spectacularly rude way..

[KittyVonCatsworth]

I know I need to manage my emotions and subsequent actions / behaviour better. I try, I really do bite my tongue but even holding it in I've just got one of those easy to read faces. Even when I'm trying to look nonplussed, people can obviously tell ( my manager commented about it just recently). However, I was just instantly triggered today and if I don't learn new techniques I'm never going to be one of those leaders that I aspire to be.

Today, a member of the team who I've had issues with answers the office phone and was quite abrupt with them. Another member of the team asked who it was after he finished the call and he replied 'just some tart from EDF'. It instantly got my heckles up and I said 'when I thought I couldn't dislike you any more than I do, you call women tarts you repulsive old cunt'. I then went a bit further with a character assassination. In my head and in my heart this is what I felt and IWBU, but I really want to know how others maintain a breezy, professional demeanour. I think eventually my tongue will be my downfall.

Please don't suggest I should apologise to him though, he's going in 2 weeks and his feelings aren't that important to me as he has the self awareness of a stick (which I also mentioned) so it would make no difference.

How do people manage their thoughts not manifesting into words and actions? This isn't necessary about the context of this example so I'm not looking for flaming or congratulations, just techniques if you have them.

What are your bosses like OP? How do they behave? I think you need your own moral compass too. At one point I opened a can of worms because the outgoing manager ‘led’ by letting bullying and bad behaviour slid, some of the team (who once set straight, were fantastic) had sort of been lulled into an odd reality where such behaviour was ok.

I’d use this as a wake up call and as a bit of a reality check for all sorts of reasons. Have a look around you take stock of the company, is it a good place for you to be working.

I’ve imagined this scenario in my workplace and in my position as we quite often get sales calls from recruitment agencies blah blah.

If someone said the word tart in a sentence I have no idea how that would provoke that sort of reaction. There’s one particular woman that I dislike but even if she used a triggering word to me, I wouldn’t ever call her a c word or go down the quite vile path you did with her. You’d be instantly suspended for that sort of vitriol at my workplace, and quite rightly.

It’s very obvious you have issues with residual anger and reigning that anger in. It’s more concerning why you don’t feel you need to apologise? That to me makes me think that you feel your actions are justified when they are not on any level whatsoever. How did he know the word tart is triggering to you? Quite frankly, you’ll never be management material right now as you can’t reign it in enough. Get a Thomas or Insights profiling done on yourself as we do with all our staff, it’ll say exactly that you’re experiencing problems that you’re taking out on work colleagues and a lot of build up anger.

It's not the reaction I would have had - BUT if my manager (female, very senior, has battled through years of sexism in a male dominated environment and has skin thicker than old boots) had heard one of her workers refer to a woman as a 'tart', her reaction would have been exactly the same! I doubt you'll have to face disciplinary, OP as he'd get himself hauled over the coals in the process. Why he thought using the word 'tart' was ok is beyond me. I'm actually glad you challenged him (if a little ott on the ferociousness )

Places where i have worked you'd lose your job over this.

Best hope no one reported you.

he's going in 2 weeks and his feelings aren't that important to me as he has the self awareness of a stick

Oh the irony and it is irrelevant whether he is leavinh ir not.

I think you were right to call him out but wrong to stoop to personal insults.

However - I imagine if you said something befitting of one standing on the moral high ground, he would have probably made a joke and belittled you. I suspect this is why you said what you said as you know it would be more likely to stop him in his tracks nd thus was a very effective way of reproaching him for his behaviour.

'when I thought I couldn't dislike you any more than I do, you call women tarts you repulsive old cunt'.

Gosh. Misconduct, possibly gross and dismissal.

That is probably the most offensive language anyone could use.

You would be sacked for gross misconduct in any job I've ever had for speaking to someone like that. I would also get rid of you in my company for it too. He'd probably be sent to HR and put on a warning, you'd be gone.

In a previous life I worked in a service industry (nhs) where I had to deal with all manner of nasty people.

Sometimes I really really wanted to say something similar to what you said, but I would have lost my job. I mentioned to a colleague who always rushed to pacify dangerous situations. “How do you say so calm?” She said she would look at the twat in question, in her head she would say what she wanted, but she’d smile and say what they wanted to hear.

So next time someone riles you, look them in the eye, smile, say ok and think to yourself fuck off you cock.

I hope it works for you, you know you can’t carry on like this.

You sound totally unhinged and I'm trying to figure out why you feel so proud of yourself. Ego I guess. What he said was not acceptable but what you said was totally inappropriate. I assume you will be facing disciplinary action.

In places I have worked, you'd be hauled into a manager's office tomorrow and given a written disciplinary warning.

Maybe the fear of losing your job without a reference would make you remember you are in a work environment and it is totally unacceptable to talk like that to anyone especially when in a 'leadership' role.

Channel Rational Adult. Everytime you're about to open your mouth think Rational Adult. Do you know, or know of, someone who always says the right thing? Make them the model for your Rational Adult, practise RA as much as you can, use them every time - even when you don't need to - and try to find your own RA within yourself.

Thankfully there were just 2 others (one of them not English speaking) that were in the office at the time.

You need to apologise to him and the 2 others present.
For the person who doesn't speak English they learn by listening to others so yes you do need to apologise so they don't go around calling people cunts.

I have no problem with swearing, in a previous job people said cunt all the time.
In my next job people were horrified when people said shit.

With regard to what you do, imagine there are small children listening, or someone you know would be offended, and moderate your language.
Imagine you're being recorded, anything, but you really shouldn't speak to people like that at work.

Oh come on. This didn’t actually happen.

Basically then you aspire to be a leader, but this is not leadership behaviour. Leadership behaviour would be:

• if you are this person's manager, you appropriately and in private address their behaviour, and inappropriate language.
• if you are not this person's manager, you call them out calmly. (e.g. I don't believe you intended to say that), and report appropriately as inappropriate workplace language.

using bad language at work gives the impression you are not in control. if you are a leader you must stay in control of yourself.

I'm shocked that it would even be acceptable to call a member of staff the c- word without major repercussions.
Totally unacceptable, regardless of the circumstances, not only for the person on the receiving end, but others within earshot.

You are far from management material. In fact so far from it, I don't think you could learn any techniques that would help. You do sound slightly proud of it. You could have made a point in several other controlled ways. You should absolutely apologise, regardless of what you think of him, you can't speak to someone like that in a professional environment. You show a complete lack of self-awareness in not doing so. Also he may be leaving in 2 weeks but you don't know when or where you may meet him again; if you both work in the same industry.

He spoke disrespectfully of a customer or client or colleague. It is not OK to call a woman a "tart."

You could have called him out on that: "Please don't refer to women as tarts: it's offensive." Icily polite.

That would have been reasonable. But I utterly understand why you called him a cunt. He sounds like a total arse.

However, you might have to face the music. But if you are required to apologise to him, he should be required to apologise as well, for his misogynistic hate-speech. Calling women "tarts" is creating a hostile working environment.

I hope you are able to make this point, calmly and strongly.

Good luck!

The OP is either a troll or an obnoxious unprofessional cunt

@ATowelAndAPotato thank you x

(a cunt though, not a triggering tart)

What he said was sexist and unacceptable, however your response was so far over the line that his comments pale into insignificance! And the irony of calling someone a cunt for having referred to a woman as a tart!

You deserve to be fired - immediately, for gross misconduct.

You are a bully. Your workplace is unreasonable if they don’t sack you. I would put money on it that you only ever explode like this with those you consider subordinates. C’mon op take responsibility.

This has to be a wind up... The word 'tart' is immensely triggering yet it's fine to call someone 'an old cunt' in the workplace? Alright Nathan Barley.

Let's hope he didn't seek revenge by reporting you for unprofessional and inappropriate verbal abuse in the middle of the office. Gross misconduct in our office.

@Stefoscope - not just an 'old cunt' but a 'repulsive old cunt'