To have called him out in a spectacularly rude way..

[KittyVonCatsworth]

I know I need to manage my emotions and subsequent actions / behaviour better. I try, I really do bite my tongue but even holding it in I've just got one of those easy to read faces. Even when I'm trying to look nonplussed, people can obviously tell ( my manager commented about it just recently). However, I was just instantly triggered today and if I don't learn new techniques I'm never going to be one of those leaders that I aspire to be.

Today, a member of the team who I've had issues with answers the office phone and was quite abrupt with them. Another member of the team asked who it was after he finished the call and he replied 'just some tart from EDF'. It instantly got my heckles up and I said 'when I thought I couldn't dislike you any more than I do, you call women tarts you repulsive old cunt'. I then went a bit further with a character assassination. In my head and in my heart this is what I felt and IWBU, but I really want to know how others maintain a breezy, professional demeanour. I think eventually my tongue will be my downfall.

Please don't suggest I should apologise to him though, he's going in 2 weeks and his feelings aren't that important to me as he has the self awareness of a stick (which I also mentioned) so it would make no difference.

How do people manage their thoughts not manifesting into words and actions? This isn't necessary about the context of this example so I'm not looking for flaming or congratulations, just techniques if you have them.

@ingesw thank you, have any of your folks given techniques on how they do this? I truly know I need to rectify this.

"I then went a bit further with a character assassination."

Please elaborate on this. I would love to know how you go further after already calling someone a repulsive old cunt.

Sorry, no help, am I

Would you have said the same if he had been your manager?

If the answer is no, it also demonstrates that you can control what comes out of your mouth.

You are a bully.

Not sure why calling someone a cunt in response to being called s tart for no reason whatsoever is the worse offence here. He doesn’t deserve an apology and women do not deserve to be spoken about like that. He is s cunt.

What was the reaction in the workplace? If it was taken in jest (don't know how that would even be possible but maybe you're all super casual) then maybe, on this occasion, you'll get away with it.

The thing with the workplace is that even though it's probably what they deserve, as a pp said, you called a spade a spade, it's just not acceptable to say it. They deserve it, they need a taste of their own medicine, they need brought down a peg or 2... it doesn't matter; you cannot speak to them like that.

You need to go away and learn some powerful, but professional, phrases which say the same thing but in an acceptable way. Then you need to practice and practice. And you also need to remember that if you need to have words with someone, you do it privately. If you're not senior to them, then you don't do it at all.

Top tip to become a better leader? Always apologise if you are wrong ! I am a manager and have 30 people under me in different departments. Do i like all of them? No. Do i lose my rag occasionally? Of course! (Although I would never call anyone a cunt in that manner) but i always apologise if I am out of line because sometimes in life it's not whether you make a mistake it's how you rectify it. In my company that would be classed as gross misconduct. Apologising doesn't make you weak!!

You need to have a translate button in your mind
You think: “366xtybvjj sweaty whatever”

You say: that’s not an appropriate way to speak about someone. Kindly do not use that sexist language in our office”

The outcome is that x person has been very clearly got the message but you don’t look unhinged!

You are the manager you should be acting like one.

I would be surprised if he didn't complain and follow it up (even after leaving)

I also wouldn't work for a firm that allowed someone to get away with being abusive to staff and assassinating their character.

Thanks for the tips on anger management, I have done some reading in the past on this because I am one of a vast proportion of people that bury resentment and when it manifests itself, it does spectacularly.

And for those who think I'm proud, I'm not. RTFT!

I would absolutely have called someone out for saying that. I do so frequently.

I would absolutely not have used that kind of language. There are much better ways of getting that point across. I would expect a disciplinary if I had done it your way.

I am also blessed/cursed with an easy to read face. It has never been a problem to me, and your face isn’t the problem here.

I'm not sure why every is focusing on the word cunt. I suspect if he felt anything he was more offended by being called old and infinitely more upset at being called repulsive. "Cunt" is just a swear word, anyone who uses the word "tart" is unlikely to be upset by a swear word.

In many places of work you would be heavily disciplined for this and rightly so.

What else did you say?

I did this largely after years of on the job experience (including severely fucking up on more than one occasion...never called anyone a cunt as I recal though...). Loads of training courses and being taken under the wing of some amazing bosses. That’s the biggest tip, look for the teachers and mentors and listen. Look for the good leaders and ask them for their help.

The C word is never acceptable under any circumstances.

If your behaviour is reported you should expect disciplinary measures which as your manager has already spoken to you about your behaviour may lead to dismissal.

The person who could report you for your behaviour is not just the person you aimed it at, it could also include anyone who heard the exchange or anyone who was told about it can express concern.

I find that your attitude that you don’t need need to apologise as you don’t like the person and they’re leaving in two weeks is appalling, neither by the way is a decent excuse.

If you want to try to do something constructive and show proactive behaviour you need to apologise to the individual directly (even if they don’t care) and to your team.

This type of behaviour even if not directed at a person can be offensive to others and be seen as bullying.

The counting to ten technique may work however you may want to start by simply getting up and leaving the area, if you have a coffee area etc go get a drink when you feel yourself getting annoyed. By the time you get back to your desk you hopefully will have calmed down.

If someone else’s behaviour is genuinely upsetting/annoying you, you should raise it with your own line manager.

Good grief, he was wrong and obnoxious but you were even worse. You sound like you have no control over yourself whatsoever. I bet you have a reputation among your colleagues of being that woman in the office who is spiky, difficult and over-emotional. I think you should consider some NLP or something.

Or work alone.

I am also shocked at your casual ageism. Do you always label older people in this way? You do know it is against the law.

Wtf??

Even if this wasn’t aimed at me I would be making complaints against you, I would feel incredibly uncomfortable working with someone who acted like this, or in an environment where addressing someone like that is acceptable.

Why are people so unbelievably confrontational sometimes? It makes me want to dig a big hole and hide away from all of you.

Well what you've achieved is to reinforce his obviously low opinion of women. How's he going to treat female colleagues/managers now?

What have you tried so far to learn to manage your emotions? Try reading this as a start.

You sound worse than him. If I heard you speak to someone like that I would be reporting you. I hope your company sees sense and gives you your P45.

I’ve read the thread. You blew your top, called someone an old cunt, apparently went further than that, and think you don’t need to apologise because not too many people overheard and one of them doesn’t speak English. Who do you think you are?

Op you've made my day. 

Op,

I’m in management, as has been said, you lead by example. You show the behaviour you want in others by behaving how you want your team to behave.
If you shout and swear they will see that as acceptable.
If you are calm and don’t react without thinking they will do likewise.

Always be professional

You are making excuses for your actions. Do you think the person you spoke to in such a manner is similarly making excuses for their actions?

Do you think that actually indicates a genuine awareness of the non-acceptability of your behaviour? I get that you're feeling defensive, people are piling on you. But what you did and said was NOT OKAY. . .

You really can't swear at people, especially at work.

You called someone a cunt because they were sexist? This is a joke, right?