To have called him out in a spectacularly rude way..

[KittyVonCatsworth]

I know I need to manage my emotions and subsequent actions / behaviour better. I try, I really do bite my tongue but even holding it in I've just got one of those easy to read faces. Even when I'm trying to look nonplussed, people can obviously tell ( my manager commented about it just recently). However, I was just instantly triggered today and if I don't learn new techniques I'm never going to be one of those leaders that I aspire to be.

Today, a member of the team who I've had issues with answers the office phone and was quite abrupt with them. Another member of the team asked who it was after he finished the call and he replied 'just some tart from EDF'. It instantly got my heckles up and I said 'when I thought I couldn't dislike you any more than I do, you call women tarts you repulsive old cunt'. I then went a bit further with a character assassination. In my head and in my heart this is what I felt and IWBU, but I really want to know how others maintain a breezy, professional demeanour. I think eventually my tongue will be my downfall.

Please don't suggest I should apologise to him though, he's going in 2 weeks and his feelings aren't that important to me as he has the self awareness of a stick (which I also mentioned) so it would make no difference.

How do people manage their thoughts not manifesting into words and actions? This isn't necessary about the context of this example so I'm not looking for flaming or congratulations, just techniques if you have them.

Regardless of his behaviour, how have you got away with this?

I keep imagining if I’d said that to a colleague and my Manager knew I wanted to go into management, I’d be straight off the leadership courses that’s for sure. I’d have shown I’m too immature for it and don’t have the skills required to be a manager. The sensible thing to do would be to address it calmly and ask why he thought necessary to make that comment - myself if someone said that I’d have taken it as a joke on his part, tart isn’t he most derogatory word out there and it didn’t sound like it was meant with any malice. Your reaction is so far out of proportion to his comment it’s unreal.

In my office you'd be straight to HR. Not acceptable OP.

Op, you take the feminism card by standing up for women being called 'tarts' and then use the 'cunt' word which is the most offensive word of all relating to women. Bit hypocritical.

Sorry op but your behaviour was totally unjustfied, what you did was ten time worse than what he did and was totally unacceptable. This is not a playground, you are a professional adult in a professional work environment and this was totally unacceptable.

I've always found non sweary, non shouty insults far more cutting.
You could just aim for sarcasm if the clever words fail you in the moment. Practise on the dog

Ye gads, I'd have lost my job for that! No condemnation/congratulations here, I have exactly the same face. I've done a fair few character assassinations, some to my shame in my younger years after a few scoops

But with my age has come wisdom and whilst that has given me the freedom to not give a shiny what folk think, it's also increase my "pick my battles" stance.

A phrase that's helped me is "If in doubt say nowt". Cheesy but it's made me pause and think "Can I really be arsed with the aggravation this might make?" Generally it's a "no" but even if it's a "yes" it gives me juusst enough pause to word it less....forthrightly?

Not good but I think she must have learnt her lesson ..

@KittyVonCatsworth it sounds like you have serious impulse control problems. I would really recommend counselling. It's not normal for a person over age 19-21ish to have so little impulse control - developmentally, your brain is meant to have grasped the skill of filtering communication by the time you're in your 20s.

Have you had other mental health difficulties? Mood problems, depression? Poor decision making? Do you make and lose friends often?

I normally say hashtag everyday sexism accompanied by either a knowing smile or hard stare.

If he called a woman a tart then he hates the lot of us enough to have you up for what’s you called him.
If you actually did, you might find yourself in far hotter water then him.

He used repulsive, misogynistic language. And then so did you. You sound dreadful.

OP I find it very hard to deal with my own anger so will be looking at the tips from others here.
OP you need to apologise to the person and colleagues. This could still come back to bite you, even if has not already been reported.

The person who doesn’t speak English will be learning it. As you all communicate in English they may use it to someone else at work. When questioned they could say they know it is a bad word but not that bad, because OP used in the office.

Gosh, so much judgement on this thread.
Not one of us is perfect, but we can aim to be better.
I am in no way condoning how you spoke, Kitty, but as a former chronic temper-loser, I sympathise.

If you genuinely genuinely want to learn to change, then you can, and will.

We teach people how to treat us....if you had wanted to make your point, there is a cool-headed and calm way to address him. Making it clear that his language is not acceptable to you and that you have zero tolerance for it. And, if you are a leader in the office, this means that you set the tone, not only for him, but all of the other staff members present and those who get to hear about it on the grapevine.

Practice addressing aggravating situations outside of work- start being assertive with the person who shoves you on the tube; or calmly ignore the person who annoys you in the supermarket.
Imagine that the person who is driving 10mph under the speed limit is doing so, as their eyes are streaming due to a bad cold.
Etc etc etc

Step 1 though, is to take him aside tomorrow, apologise for your language in no uncertain terms, making the point that you have let yourself down in using language like that. You apologise to him for you.
You can make the point that you were triggered by his language, but it's an explanation not an excuse.

How do people manage their thoughts not manifesting into words and actions?

erm because I'm an adult and I know when to keep my mouth shut in work. Cannot believe you called him that and if you worked for me I'd fire you. If you do manage to keep your job just don't voice every opinion that comes into your head

You’re using the word nonplussed incorrectly

You lost your moral highground and sank even lower than him. If you wanted to confront him a 'Why would you say that? What do you mean by calling her a tart? What do you mean X, why would you say that?' Would have been fine, calling him out on what he said, asking him to explain, making it clear he needed to put forward an apology or look like a twat, wouldn't do that again. As it is now you made yourself look bad and probably gave him ammunition towards these 'tart' women whilst losing your colleagues' support.

I think it's quite funny, but then I only work with a male boss and male colleague do we're effin jeffin and cunting all day.

We do rein it in for customers though

I totally get what you mean by triggered, this has happened to me in a professional sort of setting
the words just leapt out of my mouth, it was very alarming
I think the person that I 'unloaded' onto reminded me too much of my mother and it just came out
I instantly regretted it and that I had made myself look like an out-of-control nutter
I used a very mild exploitative, I would never use the c word or the f-word in a setting like that

What you are showing this person is that you are not in control of yourself and it will be very easy for him to get revenge on You by triggering you into doing something that makes you look very bad

Ok ok, I've spoken to my OH about this and he said I'm also BU, so despite the concerns that I'm going to lose my job (I'm not), I fully accept that I shouldn't definitely not have called him an old cunt'. Apparently calling women 'tarts' is still a thing.

I don't have anger issues, regardless what people think I just got het up about a woman who he spoke to for less than 2 minutes and classified as a tart, which in essence means a WOMAN of promiscuous nature. I personally would have felt less offended if he came off the phone and referred to THEM as a cunt, as the insult is gender neutral. I'm just reacting to the term, be it tart, slag or slut that are so directed at women. Yep, agree I shouldn't have called him a cunt.

Terrible behaviour op...i mean you. Never lower yourself and call someone that again

I’ve always had a temper, and I’ve struggled to contain it. But I’ve recognised that being quick to temper isn’t reasonable, and I’ve worked hard on giving time to think before responding rashly.

You’re a grown up and a professional. It’s down to you to regulate your behaviour. Either that or risk losing your job/relationships/friendships. If today’s outburst doesn’t cost you your job, you might want to consider yourself very lucky.

Short answer; stop and think before you react. Every time.

?

Kitty, dude.... do you know what a cunt actually is?

It’s as about as directed at women as it gets.

And that’s the ridiculousness of this whole thing. If you’d called him a shitstain or a wanker or bastard or whatevs, you might just about have got away with it.

@Jux thanks for the direction, there a good article here www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-human-experience/201306/six-aspects-being-adult%3famp on it particularly point 4 being active rather than aggressive that I can relate to. Thank you x

Ay, for sure, tart is was more sexist than cunt