To have called him out in a spectacularly rude way..

[KittyVonCatsworth]

I know I need to manage my emotions and subsequent actions / behaviour better. I try, I really do bite my tongue but even holding it in I've just got one of those easy to read faces. Even when I'm trying to look nonplussed, people can obviously tell ( my manager commented about it just recently). However, I was just instantly triggered today and if I don't learn new techniques I'm never going to be one of those leaders that I aspire to be.

Today, a member of the team who I've had issues with answers the office phone and was quite abrupt with them. Another member of the team asked who it was after he finished the call and he replied 'just some tart from EDF'. It instantly got my heckles up and I said 'when I thought I couldn't dislike you any more than I do, you call women tarts you repulsive old cunt'. I then went a bit further with a character assassination. In my head and in my heart this is what I felt and IWBU, but I really want to know how others maintain a breezy, professional demeanour. I think eventually my tongue will be my downfall.

Please don't suggest I should apologise to him though, he's going in 2 weeks and his feelings aren't that important to me as he has the self awareness of a stick (which I also mentioned) so it would make no difference.

How do people manage their thoughts not manifesting into words and actions? This isn't necessary about the context of this example so I'm not looking for flaming or congratulations, just techniques if you have them.

How on earth have you managed to even hold down a job?

You sound as awful as him

OP, filter or not, you certainly gave the 'cunt' a dose of his own medicine. Lol.
I would have been a bit shocked but definitely amused hearing your response.
And, no, definitely do not apologise to him.
But, yes, sadly, you have to watch what you say. Think before you speak.

Triggered?
Don’t be ridiculous
You (if any of this even vaguely happened) were foul mouthed and obnoxious
Don’t belittle and demean the word triggered for those who are genuinely “triggered”
And good luck hanging onto your job if this is how you behave

I think you need some serious anger management courses. These will help you manage your word vomits.
I say stuff like that all the time in my head but on the outside I'm smiling like a loon. I probably look like I'm about to draw a machete out of my M&S knickers and come at you but I swallow the word vom down.

@shaggedthruahedgebackwards that's probably the best advice so far, can you tell me the actual dialogue on initiating that conversation please? I can maybe memorise it and use it by substituting the context!

Thanks to all, it reinforces that I need some techniques on managing my emotions better. And thank you for the concern about my job in itself, I'm fairly confident despite today that it's ok x

Totally out of order. You weren't triggered, you were riled. I do think you should apologise, that was unprofessionalism at its height.

Why do you think you don’t need to apologise? Just because he’s going in two weeks?

You say you know you have a problem but you clearly don’t want to take responsibility for your actions. Changing this would be a good place to start with managing your conduct.

Your behaviour was rude and unprofessional. You could have dealt with this in so many ways and you chose the worst. Echo those who say your manager should discipline you for this.

You actually sound quite proud of your unprofessional and abusive behavior. You shouldn't be.

He was rude, but you were worse.

I'm shocked you weren't hauled Infront of the manager after saying that, a lot of people would lose their job over it!

If I heard a colleague speak like that to another member of staff I'd complaint.

You'll be lucky if you don't get your P45.

So, to answer your question, and after years of managing some really unpleasant people (who did really unpleasant things to some lovely juniors)...you learn to think before you speak, every single time, it becomes a habit that never leaves you once you have it. With every word that you do speak you are thinking the very best to say that will give you the professional outcome that you require, at no point do you swear, insult or be unprofessional because at that point anything you say is pointless and you have lost an opportunity to solve the problem or move forward.

If you want to be a leader then you need to do just that, lead. Be who you want you team to be.

@hobnobsaremyfave I used the word triggered clearly what triggered MY reaction so please don't assume the word 'tart' didn't trigger a reaction in me please. If you'd like further details, please ask. Everyone, despite what the context is or subject, has a trigger reaction.

If I was your manager you'd be out the door so fast your feet don't touch the floor. You owe him an apology, regardless of how long he's going to be around. You sound like a horrendous person to have to work with.

Ouch, he was out of order absolutely but you escalated it. If I called one of my colleagues a cunt I would be holding my p45. Agree with others you need to look into anger management techniques, count to 10, remove yourself from the situation that sort of thing. It’s ok to say to someone ‘it’s not ok to talk about women like that’ but you need to have calmed down, be level headed and calm to get it across.

It’s no wonder he felt he could use offensive language if that’s how you respond to stuff.

I imagine you’re usually quite informal and/or sweary in the workplace? As the manager you set the tone.

Everyone doesn’t shout “cunt!” when they hear “tart.”

You are not management material.

Op of COURSE you have to apologise. Bloody hell. PP is right, you sound proud of yourself. Horrible behaviour.

If you were where I worked you'd be on a disciplinary if not dismissed for gross misconduct. His phrase was unacceptable but yours was much worse and very unprofessional.

You sound very angry in that exchange. Perhaps anger management? Cbt might help give you strategies to work with.
Personally I think you should apologise to the man. As a manager you have to behave professionally.

Frankly if you were my employee I’d be giving you your P45

You were incredibly rude, undisciplined, abusive and completely and utterly unprofessional, it’s not your job to chastise colleagues, never mind in front of a audience!

Just vile

Wow...You shouldn't have called him a c*. I used to work with a lady with no filter. She would explode at least twice a week into a foul mouthed tirade. We were professionals so it was embarrassing. I used to walk away every time it happened, but felt sorry for anyone caught on the end of her tirade. Think you need to enroll on an anger management course and take up meditation.

Listen, I know all this. I'm not so socially inept that I don't know that it's not the right way to deal with it. Thankfully there were just 2 others (one of them not English speaking) that were in the office at the time

And? So what?
You absolutely need to apologise! Why do you think you don't? You are so far out of line.
You should expect him to report you, as for a manager, you will not get far if you cant even apologise when you’re wrong.
He may have been in the wrong but you have completely overshadowed him

I think, if you're having difficulty, or an inability, to manage yourself, your own emotions and behaviours in a professional situation, you should be questioning within yourself whether you should be put in the situation, or others should be put in the situation, of you managing others. It does sound like you have some personal development work to be getting on with.