To have called him out in a spectacularly rude way..

[KittyVonCatsworth]

I know I need to manage my emotions and subsequent actions / behaviour better. I try, I really do bite my tongue but even holding it in I've just got one of those easy to read faces. Even when I'm trying to look nonplussed, people can obviously tell ( my manager commented about it just recently). However, I was just instantly triggered today and if I don't learn new techniques I'm never going to be one of those leaders that I aspire to be.

Today, a member of the team who I've had issues with answers the office phone and was quite abrupt with them. Another member of the team asked who it was after he finished the call and he replied 'just some tart from EDF'. It instantly got my heckles up and I said 'when I thought I couldn't dislike you any more than I do, you call women tarts you repulsive old cunt'. I then went a bit further with a character assassination. In my head and in my heart this is what I felt and IWBU, but I really want to know how others maintain a breezy, professional demeanour. I think eventually my tongue will be my downfall.

Please don't suggest I should apologise to him though, he's going in 2 weeks and his feelings aren't that important to me as he has the self awareness of a stick (which I also mentioned) so it would make no difference.

How do people manage their thoughts not manifesting into words and actions? This isn't necessary about the context of this example so I'm not looking for flaming or congratulations, just techniques if you have them.

Despicable behaviour from you. You’ll be exceptionally lucky if you don’t face disciplinary action off this (you most certainly should).

You will (thankfully) never be management if you can’t control yourself and I doubt you’ll even have a job in a few months time the way you’re going.

Firing offense in my company but suspect If you've said that kind of thing before you'd be long gone before it ever gets to that stage.. Have you no self control.?

Jeezo OP. You dont use words like that at work (or preferably at all)! If you are in the manager position even more so - you dont go behaving like that. Dear God

Don’t be surprised if you are reported and face disciplinary for this!!

I can't stand the 'c' word ever, but I also think when you swear and name call when trying to put your point across, it just makes you look worse than the other person imo. You'd be better to think first and if you must put someone down, do it politely and firmly and make them look a fool, not yourself

I cannot believe you chose the word ‘spectacular’ to describe your behaviour. You are clearly, at least in part, quite pleased with yourself. Like SilverDoe I would want to complain if I had witnessed this. I would not want to work with you, for you or even near you.
It’s so inappropriate. I do not accept that someone in a managerial role has so little maturity and so little self-control that they feel they need to learn ‘techniques’ to cope so that they don’t get ‘triggered’ and shout cunt in the office.
Grow up. Be responsible for yourself. You seem to expect others to be able to curb their sexist instincts around you. Curb your own unprofessional instincts like the other adults do.

Oh my dear god. So. Much. Mockery. Fighting. To. Get. Out.

Sigh... I'm going to be constructive instead.

How do people manage their thoughts not manifesting into words and actions?

I am a dick. Over many years I've managed to be much less of a dick and there really is only one answer: you need to care about the effect your words have on others; you need to stop making excuses (don't tolerate fools gladly, just saying how I feel... etc) and learn empathy.

He will be hurt by this. However unpleasant referring to someone as a tart is- he is a human being that you treated like shit. He wasn't cruel, he didn't hurt someone directly- you did. You need to slow down your response to conflict and not speak until you have really thought through what you actually want to say. Empathy takes a lot of practice.

Please don't suggest I should apologise to him though, he's going in 2 weeks and his feelings aren't that important to me as he has the self awareness of a stick

Apologise to him, or stay as you are. You can't have both. His flaws are not the issue, you need to care how he feels if YOU want to be a decent human being.

Totally unprofessional BUT bloody hilarious!

Outside of the workplace and it would be accepted.

Instead of responding with an opinion, perhaps try and respond with a question such as
“Do you feel that comment is appropriate?”.
Maybe that would have caused him some shame. It may be a useful technique for the future.

I’ve read all the OP’s updates but not PPs so apologies if this is a repeat.

The very fact that you think you don’t need to give him an apology because he’s leaving anyway, and because you think you were justified in calling him a cunt because (in your opinion) he is, speaks volumes.

If you can’t even bring yourself to apologise for your appalling behaviour then you can’t progress with fixing the initial flash of anger.

The guy is clearly a misogynist idiot so your apology doesn’t have to excuse his behaviour, it needs to address yours.

Focusing on how you could have handled that better...

1. don’t speak
2. write down what happened/what he said, and the impact of his behaviour/language on you/others
3. go for a cup of tea/coffe/fag/wee/walk round the block, call your mgr/hr for advice, helpful phrases, etc.
4. arrange to speak to him in private as soon as practicable
5. explain what you witnessed, and the impact it had,
6. clearly explain what you expect to happen moving forward; could be apology, change in behaviour, etc, and what the consequences would be if he does not comply
7. follow up with summary in email
8. breathe!

Anger management classes.

100% right @Namechangearoo. OP clearly feels justified, so it's clear she's either just boasting or asking for underhand ways to get off with being a workplace bully.

The word cunt was thrown around as much as hello in my old office. It was a sales office and full of 'banter' and I used to always wonder what would happen if they hired someone who is against that word, as in general people either see it as any other swear word and don't care or they see it as extremely inappropriate and should never be spoken. I never did find out as I left before anyone ever raised an issue with it - but I have learnt to be cautious where you say it. Whether you see it as any other swear word (I do too) a large amount of people don't. It's a strange one in that sense.

@ingesw has it. If you want to lead, it's never ever ok to do this. Not once. No matter what triggers you.

As to how to approach it, you take him aside and tell him calmly that what you heard concerned you and you found it offensive. Say his use of the word tart was unacceptable and you don't expect to hear him using such disrespectful language again. Tell him what will happen (refer to procedures) if there is a reoccurrence.

Once you've dropped the c bomb you've pretty much lost any moral high ground or professional credibility I'm afraid.

! Obviously not a word to use in a professional context but the sexist pig deserved it - it would have triggered me too. Meanwhile going forward, my trick is to take a deep breath, get into character and construct a professional response even if it means there is a delay. Practice until you do it effortlessly. Good luck.

You learn how to call them out without stooping to their level.
Calling him a cunt makes you equally as bad.
I can see why you were so mad though, he needed pulling up.

I try being PA or saying a witty comeback (not always forthcoming)

I think those thoughts but I don't say them out loud.

What is stopping you biting your tongue? You've got to do it.

I do get cross and do have to get it off my chest. I moan to DH & selected, trusted colleagues, go for walks to cool off, write stroppy emails which I don't send. You've got to find your way of dealing with it, otherwise you won't have a job at all, let alone a leadership position.

Will it help to know how intimidated others will be by this behaviour? I would hate to work in an environment where someone was exploding like that on a semi regular basis. It would be a nightmare. A sexist pig on one side and someone with a hair trigger temper on the other. I'd be stressed as hell and you'd be directly contributing to that. You may feel he deserves to have it with both barrels but your colleagues shouldn't have to be intimidated by your behaviour.

You have a choice, a split second choice when you’re triggered by something and if in that split second you can’t control your output, maybe try mindfulness?

Others maintain a breezy, professional demeanour by choosing their words carefully.
The word cunt is a vulgar term used to describe female genitalia so really you lowered yourself to his level, actually you went lower than his level. Calling someone an 'old cunt' is just as offensive as calling women 'tarts.' You have embarrassed yourself and if you have female colleagues you might have raised up a few more 'heckles.'

Read the chimp reaction by Steve peters - it may help you. I'm using it as a basis for some training we're about to deliver.

I think you need to quickly get yourself to the GP to get referred for anger management before you lose your job. Sometimes people who can't control their anger have anxiety based issues so you may need anti-anxiety meds if this is the case. If you do get disciplined which I'd be surprised if you didn't then you could at least say you have taken steps to deal with it.

Obviously you were right to call him out over it just not the way you did it.

You will never make a good manager. You need to be able to put your brain into gear BEFORE you speak. You were incredibly inappropriate.

Holy shit, I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to say this to somebody in my office, so props to you for living my dream! But realistically, I don't say it because I'd be sacked on the spot if I did. Of course you were unreasonable.

Wow

Sorry OP but I am with most of the PPs here
You lost any high ground when you called him what you did .