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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have called him out in a spectacularly rude way..

421 replies

KittyVonCatsworth · 16/01/2019 19:29

I know I need to manage my emotions and subsequent actions / behaviour better. I try, I really do bite my tongue but even holding it in I've just got one of those easy to read faces. Even when I'm trying to look nonplussed, people can obviously tell ( my manager commented about it just recently). However, I was just instantly triggered today and if I don't learn new techniques I'm never going to be one of those leaders that I aspire to be.

Today, a member of the team who I've had issues with answers the office phone and was quite abrupt with them. Another member of the team asked who it was after he finished the call and he replied 'just some tart from EDF'. It instantly got my heckles up and I said 'when I thought I couldn't dislike you any more than I do, you call women tarts you repulsive old cunt'. I then went a bit further with a character assassination. In my head and in my heart this is what I felt and IWBU, but I really want to know how others maintain a breezy, professional demeanour. I think eventually my tongue will be my downfall.

Please don't suggest I should apologise to him though, he's going in 2 weeks and his feelings aren't that important to me as he has the self awareness of a stick (which I also mentioned) so it would make no difference.

How do people manage their thoughts not manifesting into words and actions? This isn't necessary about the context of this example so I'm not looking for flaming or congratulations, just techniques if you have them.

OP posts:
lmusic87 · 18/01/2019 09:50

Oh my god!

itsonlysubterfuge · 18/01/2019 10:34

Your like one of those parents that hits their kid for hitting or starts screaming at them to stop screaming...

storm11111 · 18/01/2019 11:15

Hahahahahaha whilst he was offensive you responded x 100.

An appropriate response would have been 'Gareth it is not appropriate to use that kind of misogynistic terminology in the workplace. I'll be passing this on to HR and suggest you refrain in the meantime.

Bluntness100 · 18/01/2019 11:33

Shatnerswig, prob the same man, and the op has issues with him, or she's issues with many people.

Either way, really unpleasant behaviour.

ShatnersWig · 18/01/2019 11:34

How does someone get to the age of 42 or 43 (which the OP is) and realise they now need to learn techniques so they don't call office colleague cunts and then character assassinate them?

Bluntness100 · 18/01/2019 11:37

It's a conundrum indeed. 😳

icannotremember · 18/01/2019 11:45

It's work. If you can't do breezily professional, uou just bite down until your jaw fucking aches, think all manner of dreadful things, and keep your mouth shut until you can trust yourself not to say the dreadful things.

A technique I have started to use on MN when I feel the urge to fire off an aggressively angry response to a poster who I think has been a complete twat is to let myself write it but then delete before I press 'post'. In some ways I use that at work too- draft an email explaining exactly what I think of someone and then delete the content before I send. Another thing I do is be really, really nice and smiley and friendly and warm to people who dislike me and have annoyed me, because then I avoid doing or saying anything that can get me into trouble, but I also have the pleasure (yes, I know, immature and pathetic etc etc etc) of knowing I have pissed them off in a way they cannot actually complain about.

guildTheLilly · 18/01/2019 12:03

I would have had you sacked (via HR) asap.

For what it's worth. I'm in a position where it would have happened.

Chocolateislife88 · 18/01/2019 12:14

Yeah responding like that is definitely going to get you in trouble, especially in a professional environment! It sounds like you want to change your responses though. I'd highly recommend mindfulness and meditation the Headspace app or the Calm app are really good.

thaegumathteth · 18/01/2019 13:32

Here’s some techniques

  1. Be an adult and remind yourself of that.
  2. Apologise when you’re an abusive bully and remember you don’t get to decide how your actions have impacted someone else.
  3. Don’t use ageist language and assume that’s ok whilst complaining about sexist language.
  4. Stop assuming you’re better than anyone else because that’s the over rising problem.
1forAll74 · 18/01/2019 13:50

Awful behaviour from you, do you have anger issues .if so, work on them now.

Betterthanbrave · 18/01/2019 13:52

If you really don't care for a person, you wouldn't let them bother you enough to insult them. Do you think he cares that you don't like him OP? Then why waste your time ripping into him? Makes no sense.

lenalove · 18/01/2019 13:55

I simply cannot fathom how anyone, at literally any firm, would not be called up for gross misconduct after this Shock

hellhavenofury · 18/01/2019 14:18

My advice - give up stay in a non management level. If you actually act like that in a professional environment you really should not be in anyway 'management' and managing others. Irrelevant of how many books you read and how many people on here give you tips on how to change your personality - you cant.

Calling anyone the C word says alot about you not them.

If any of my employees spoke like that that they would have a P45 and NO CHANCE in getting higher on the ladder.

BrilliantDarling · 18/01/2019 14:46

C (see) U (you) N (next) T (tuesday)

an indirect way to call someone a cunt Grin

UnderHerEye · 18/01/2019 14:50

I want to know what job the OP has where she knows she can never be fired- sign me up!

OP it’s a pity you responded to the man the way you did- a well worded professional response could have made him rethink his use of the word ‘tart’, as it is you are as bad as him, and have no doubt made yourself look completely unprofessional at work.

(Also how you don’t understand that cunt as a swear word is the most misogynistic of them all I’m not sure)

Bluntness100 · 18/01/2019 14:53

I simply cannot fathom how anyone, at literally any firm, would not be called up for gross misconduct after this

It's clearly a shit firm run by unprofessional people. The man called the lady a tart, the op called him a repulsive old cunt, the md didn't give a shit.

Classy place. Classy people.

icannotremember · 18/01/2019 15:09

I simply cannot fathom how anyone, at literally any firm, would not be called up for gross misconduct after this

That just illustrates how limited your concept of the world of work is though. There are many workplaces where this would not be the enormous problem most of us recognise it as.

ForestFrank · 18/01/2019 16:15

OP I think I get what you're asking, you know you did wrong but are asking for advice so as not to repeat this sort of incident. I'm usually as meek and mild as they come but when I bite I bite (verbally only fortunately) and I've suffered in the past as a result. I've found the best way of responding in such situations is to remove myself away from the person who's upset me. Walk away without a word said as I know the risk of not doing so.
I can then think rationally about my reply.
However in some cases I also know that any attempt to re-engage when I have calmed down may still result in a negative response from me, in those situations I choose to let it go and walk away as an outburst from me will harm me more.
Hope this helps. Btw...he does sound like a 'repulsive old c@#t'....you just can't (as in cannot!) tell him that. Good luck Smile

NicolaStart · 18/01/2019 17:11

I would find it hard to hold my tongue in response to what he said.

I wouldn’t ‘hold my tongue ‘ I would say “I don’t think it is professional to insult our customers / contacts, and your language was sexist”

That isn’t even Manager level behaviour, it is basic employee behaviour.

winkywonky · 18/01/2019 17:50

I am not overly offended by the word cunt and where I live being a ‘good cunt’ is one of the highest compliments. I don’t see people’s outrage about it! It’s a word! I had a manager who had outbursts and I tell you she was my favourite. Honest, to the point and fought tooth and nail for her staff. Always knew where you stood with her - unlike the snidey bastard I have now who goes off to whisper with other staff. There is no back story here so I think everyone is seeing the ‘C’ word as they like to call it (incase they burst into flames). Maybe he is a prize bellend who also swears a lot. I would be far more displeased if you had called me moist Grin

GerardButlersBird · 18/01/2019 19:14

Do you have Tourette’s? I hope so for your sake.

I think a number of people per week are obnoxious cunts but don’t actually SAY so. It’s called being a grown up.

Are you sure you’re not just boasting about your alleged terminology and “brave” response? Hmm

BowStreetStunner · 18/01/2019 19:55

I can not believe you still have a job I would be gone if I spoke like that at work!

I understand your need to respond to his comment which was vile and inappropriate I would have been furious to hear someone refer to a woman as "some tart" and would definitely respond and let him know how inappropriate his comment was and that it would not be tolerated even report him. I can imagine if you are the type of person who reacts like this because it is your nature that it is hard to control but you must or it will damage your career and personal relationships try thinking about that consider the consequences before you speak.

Aridane · 18/01/2019 20:08

That isn’t even Manager level behaviour, it is basic employee behaviour

or basic human being behaviour Smile

JustHereForThePooStories · 18/01/2019 20:16

Can people stop saying this is gross misconduct? OP was vile, should face disciplinary, but this would never be accepted as gross misconduct if it went to tribunal.